Knowledge of my dead parent's long-term affair is incredibly painful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

An affair actually has a lot to do with how much you love your children. If you love your children, you’re not selfish and do things that can hurt them deeply, which include addiction, abuse, and affairs.

The reality is this parent cared more about themselves than they did anybody else in the family, including the children.

Yeah, can someone please think of adult children!

It's not about you. Not everything in this world is about you.

Newsflash: not everything is about you either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

An affair actually has a lot to do with how much you love your children. If you love your children, you’re not selfish and do things that can hurt them deeply, which include addiction, abuse, and affairs.

The reality is this parent cared more about themselves than they did anybody else in the family, including the children.

Yeah, can someone please think of adult children!

It's not about you. Not everything in this world is about you.

Touched a nerve, eh?

Exactly, there are some cheaters on here trying to gaslight OP. It's so natural for them to lie and gaslight.

It's pathetic.

No. We are giving tough love so that OP doesn't wallow in her own pain to the detriment of her long-term mental health.

The only person OP is hurting right now is herself.

Once you understand this, you can learn to manage your suffering so that it has an end point.

This is true for any betrayal, any trauma. The perps have long-since decamped. The victim, or third party witness, or whoever stays with lingering feelings, must do the work to become functional again.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry.
I am sure of one thing: your deceased parent really loved you and your other parent. Their love just wasn’t the conventional sort.
It’s a societal norm to be exclusive but let’s remember it all stems from basically not wanting to share inheritance. Norms change all the time. Who knows, one day we all might live in communes and share the love and resources? Maybe your parent is just ahead of our times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

An affair actually has a lot to do with how much you love your children. If you love your children, you’re not selfish and do things that can hurt them deeply, which include addiction, abuse, and affairs.

The reality is this parent cared more about themselves than they did anybody else in the family, including the children.

Yeah, can someone please think of adult children!

It's not about you. Not everything in this world is about you.

Touched a nerve, eh?

Exactly, there are some cheaters on here trying to gaslight OP. It's so natural for them to lie and gaslight.

It's pathetic.

No. We are giving tough love so that OP doesn't wallow in her own pain to the detriment of her long-term mental health.

The only person OP is hurting right now is herself.

Once you understand this, you can learn to manage your suffering so that it has an end point.

This is true for any betrayal, any trauma. The perps have long-since decamped. The victim, or third party witness, or whoever stays with lingering feelings, must do the work to become functional again.

Nobody is wallowing in pain, OP literally just found out. What you want is for OP to stuff her feelings. There is no honor in never feeling feelings and calling a spade a spade.

OP is right, her parent was not who they pretended to be and they had so little honor that they let the bean spill post death, that is cowardice.

OP has the knowledge, will work through the feelings in a way that will help them grow instead of just pretending it never happened and moving on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

An affair actually has a lot to do with how much you love your children. If you love your children, you’re not selfish and do things that can hurt them deeply, which include addiction, abuse, and affairs.

The reality is this parent cared more about themselves than they did anybody else in the family, including the children.

Yeah, can someone please think of adult children!

It's not about you. Not everything in this world is about you.

Touched a nerve, eh?

Exactly, there are some cheaters on here trying to gaslight OP. It's so natural for them to lie and gaslight.

It's pathetic.

No. We are giving tough love so that OP doesn't wallow in her own pain to the detriment of her long-term mental health.

The only person OP is hurting right now is herself.

Once you understand this, you can learn to manage your suffering so that it has an end point.

This is true for any betrayal, any trauma. The perps have long-since decamped. The victim, or third party witness, or whoever stays with lingering feelings, must do the work to become functional again.

Nobody is wallowing in pain, OP literally just found out. What you want is for OP to stuff her feelings. There is no honor in never feeling feelings and calling a spade a spade.

OP is right, her parent was not who they pretended to be and they had so little honor that they let the bean spill post death, that is cowardice.

OP has the knowledge, will work through the feelings in a way that will help them grow instead of just pretending it never happened and moving on.

? None of this has anything to do with "honor" or "cowardice". OP is not owed information about someone else's romantic entanglements, unless it's her spouse's.

You're weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider that maybe having the affair fulfilled something that wasn't being fulfilled within the marriage, and having the affair allowed the marriage to be as good as it was.

Way to blame the other spouse. I could never, ever see it that way. NP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wonder if you like to think of yourself as a "kind" person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

An affair actually has a lot to do with how much you love your children. If you love your children, you’re not selfish and do things that can hurt them deeply, which include addiction, abuse, and affairs.

The reality is this parent cared more about themselves than they did anybody else in the family, including the children.

Yeah, can someone please think of adult children!

It's not about you. Not everything in this world is about you.

Touched a nerve, eh?

Exactly, there are some cheaters on here trying to gaslight OP. It's so natural for them to lie and gaslight.

It's pathetic.

No. We are giving tough love so that OP doesn't wallow in her own pain to the detriment of her long-term mental health.

The only person OP is hurting right now is herself.

Once you understand this, you can learn to manage your suffering so that it has an end point.

This is true for any betrayal, any trauma. The perps have long-since decamped. The victim, or third party witness, or whoever stays with lingering feelings, must do the work to become functional again.

Nobody is wallowing in pain, OP literally just found out. What you want is for OP to stuff her feelings. There is no honor in never feeling feelings and calling a spade a spade.

OP is right, her parent was not who they pretended to be and they had so little honor that they let the bean spill post death, that is cowardice.

OP has the knowledge, will work through the feelings in a way that will help them grow instead of just pretending it never happened and moving on.

? None of this has anything to do with "honor" or "cowardice". OP is not owed information about someone else's romantic entanglements, unless it's her spouse's.

You're weird.

OP has the right to know when somebody lies to them. I get it, you are a cheater, and you want to believe your actions do not have consequences. But they do. I'm sorry that your deviant world views have led you to live a life in hiding and full of lies.

People with honor are truthful and only cowards do leave their children, no matter their age, left to find out about their horrible secrets once they have passed... whether it's financial, romantic, or legal.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm the betrayed spouse and my DH had a multiyear affair that I'm terrified my kids will find out about someday in their adult lives. Maybe take solace that in the fact that your non-cheating parents presumably loved you so much that they stayed despite immense pain to keep their family in tact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

An affair actually has a lot to do with how much you love your children. If you love your children, you’re not selfish and do things that can hurt them deeply, which include addiction, abuse, and affairs.

The reality is this parent cared more about themselves than they did anybody else in the family, including the children.

Yeah, can someone please think of adult children!

It's not about you. Not everything in this world is about you.

Touched a nerve, eh?

Exactly, there are some cheaters on here trying to gaslight OP. It's so natural for them to lie and gaslight.

It's pathetic.

No. We are giving tough love so that OP doesn't wallow in her own pain to the detriment of her long-term mental health.

The only person OP is hurting right now is herself.

Once you understand this, you can learn to manage your suffering so that it has an end point.

This is true for any betrayal, any trauma. The perps have long-since decamped. The victim, or third party witness, or whoever stays with lingering feelings, must do the work to become functional again.

Nobody is wallowing in pain, OP literally just found out. What you want is for OP to stuff her feelings. There is no honor in never feeling feelings and calling a spade a spade.

OP is right, her parent was not who they pretended to be and they had so little honor that they let the bean spill post death, that is cowardice.

OP has the knowledge, will work through the feelings in a way that will help them grow instead of just pretending it never happened and moving on.

? None of this has anything to do with "honor" or "cowardice". OP is not owed information about someone else's romantic entanglements, unless it's her spouse's.

You're weird.

OP has the right to know when somebody lies to them. I get it, you are a cheater, and you want to believe your actions do not have consequences. But they do. I'm sorry that your deviant world views have led you to live a life in hiding and full of lies.

People with honor are truthful and only cowards do leave their children, no matter their age, left to find out about their horrible secrets once they have passed... whether it's financial, romantic, or legal.

This is OP.

To be fair to my dead parent (DP), I'm sure they never meant for me to discover the truth. I discovered the affair after my living parent (LP) asked me to go through some of my DP's correspondence for a certain time period and I found a bunch of raunchy/flirty notes that spanned years. I was beyond shocked. And my anger and confusion are distorting the grieving process.

I think my LP knows about only a small portion of the affair and doesn't realize that it went on for years. But I don't know for sure what my LP knows. And I haven't brought up the topic because I don't want to be intrusive or, even worse, reveal something that would seriously emotionally harm my LP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

An affair actually has a lot to do with how much you love your children. If you love your children, you’re not selfish and do things that can hurt them deeply, which include addiction, abuse, and affairs.

The reality is this parent cared more about themselves than they did anybody else in the family, including the children.

Yeah, can someone please think of adult children!

It's not about you. Not everything in this world is about you.

Touched a nerve, eh?

Exactly, there are some cheaters on here trying to gaslight OP. It's so natural for them to lie and gaslight.

It's pathetic.

No. We are giving tough love so that OP doesn't wallow in her own pain to the detriment of her long-term mental health.

The only person OP is hurting right now is herself.

Once you understand this, you can learn to manage your suffering so that it has an end point.

This is true for any betrayal, any trauma. The perps have long-since decamped. The victim, or third party witness, or whoever stays with lingering feelings, must do the work to become functional again.

Nobody is wallowing in pain, OP literally just found out. What you want is for OP to stuff her feelings. There is no honor in never feeling feelings and calling a spade a spade.

OP is right, her parent was not who they pretended to be and they had so little honor that they let the bean spill post death, that is cowardice.

OP has the knowledge, will work through the feelings in a way that will help them grow instead of just pretending it never happened and moving on.

? None of this has anything to do with "honor" or "cowardice". OP is not owed information about someone else's romantic entanglements, unless it's her spouse's.

You're weird.

OP has the right to know when somebody lies to them. I get it, you are a cheater, and you want to believe your actions do not have consequences. But they do. I'm sorry that your deviant world views have led you to live a life in hiding and full of lies.

People with honor are truthful and only cowards do leave their children, no matter their age, left to find out about their horrible secrets once they have passed... whether it's financial, romantic, or legal.

This is OP.

To be fair to my dead parent (DP), I'm sure they never meant for me to discover the truth. I discovered the affair after my living parent (LP) asked me to go through some of my DP's correspondence for a certain time period and I found a bunch of raunchy/flirty notes that spanned years. I was beyond shocked. And my anger and confusion are distorting the grieving process.

I think my LP knows about only a small portion of the affair and doesn't realize that it went on for years. But I don't know for sure what my LP knows. And I haven't brought up the topic because I don't want to be intrusive or, even worse, reveal something that would seriously emotionally harm my LP.

Of course they never expected you to find out, yet they carelessly left evidence that you clearly (or the LP) would find upon their death. That's the thing about being selfish you just don't consider the consequences, or you do and don't care.

Of course you need to talk to a therapist about this but keeping your DP's secret could be a very dangerous move and also repeating your DP's way of dealing with things that hurt others. You might want to break that pattern, IDK a therapist can help you with that. Keeping secrets can be corrosive to your soul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

An affair actually has a lot to do with how much you love your children. If you love your children, you’re not selfish and do things that can hurt them deeply, which include addiction, abuse, and affairs.

The reality is this parent cared more about themselves than they did anybody else in the family, including the children.

Yeah, can someone please think of adult children!

It's not about you. Not everything in this world is about you.

Touched a nerve, eh?

Exactly, there are some cheaters on here trying to gaslight OP. It's so natural for them to lie and gaslight.

It's pathetic.

No. We are giving tough love so that OP doesn't wallow in her own pain to the detriment of her long-term mental health.

The only person OP is hurting right now is herself.

Once you understand this, you can learn to manage your suffering so that it has an end point.

This is true for any betrayal, any trauma. The perps have long-since decamped. The victim, or third party witness, or whoever stays with lingering feelings, must do the work to become functional again.

Nobody is wallowing in pain, OP literally just found out. What you want is for OP to stuff her feelings. There is no honor in never feeling feelings and calling a spade a spade.

OP is right, her parent was not who they pretended to be and they had so little honor that they let the bean spill post death, that is cowardice.

OP has the knowledge, will work through the feelings in a way that will help them grow instead of just pretending it never happened and moving on.

? None of this has anything to do with "honor" or "cowardice". OP is not owed information about someone else's romantic entanglements, unless it's her spouse's.

You're weird.

OP has the right to know when somebody lies to them. I get it, you are a cheater, and you want to believe your actions do not have consequences. But they do. I'm sorry that your deviant world views have led you to live a life in hiding and full of lies.

People with honor are truthful and only cowards do leave their children, no matter their age, left to find out about their horrible secrets once they have passed... whether it's financial, romantic, or legal.

This is OP.

To be fair to my dead parent (DP), I'm sure they never meant for me to discover the truth. I discovered the affair after my living parent (LP) asked me to go through some of my DP's correspondence for a certain time period and I found a bunch of raunchy/flirty notes that spanned years. I was beyond shocked. And my anger and confusion are distorting the grieving process.

I think my LP knows about only a small portion of the affair and doesn't realize that it went on for years. But I don't know for sure what my LP knows. And I haven't brought up the topic because I don't want to be intrusive or, even worse, reveal something that would seriously emotionally harm my LP.

I think you need to reconcile the bolded parts above. Do you think someone is trying not be discovered when they hold onto hard copies of AP’s love letters?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you feel pain, OP.

However it's hard for me to relate to the degree of agonizing that goes on in certain posters' minds regarding cheating/affairs/APs. Some people don't believe in monogamy, and try to live lives that don't hurt others too much while still living something that is closer to their beliefs. Some people don't mind their partners' affairs too much, given the rest of the package deal, so to speak. There are so many things in life that can hurt a marriage - I would put physical abuse, financial duress and physical and mental health disorders on that list.

But my parent having a long-term affair? No, I wouldn't be bothered for a second. That's my parents' business, not mine. I will not judge or lose sleep over it.

Being lied to for years on end is certainly a huge trauma.

For some people. Others process it in a healthier way. And a lot of people suspect, and choose to let it go. I agree with the poster saying that possibly the marriage was as good as it was because of the long-term off-side, not despite it.

That's a generalization that is not even true.

Both my FIL and my father cheated on their wives. My mother now has dementia and is reliving what he did to her. It's awful watching her go through it because I was not even alive when it happened. She had very few choices in her life. A lot of the women in the older generations did not have means to divorce and be financially capable of taking care of themselves or their kids. They stuck around because they had few other choices.

I am not sure about my MIL, but I know that it completely devastated her. She had a double mastectomy and then he cheated. I guess her not having an br3asts meant there was something lacking in her marriage. He ended up with dementia, and he too started reliving his affair. It was painful for her to relive that again.

So, you cheaters can make excuses to justify your cheating a$$ but there is always trauma and devastation you leave in your cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

Agree. Their love and their bad behavior and lies are different things. It's not like they could love only one person at a time. People lie to people they love every day. Be mad at the liar, but no need to question the love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry for you. This sounds like something that a therapist might be able to help you untangle. There are so many points of pain and questioning. is your living parent willing to talk about it?

I have never had an affair and I am not condoning them, but I would not question their love for you or, frankly, their spouse. I know an affair would crush me but I can also understand it wouldn't necessarily mean that my husband doesn't love me, as weird as that may sound. Also, I understand that it would crush my children, but I don't think it would say anything about my husband's love for them. Definitely talk to a disinterested third party about this and be able to unload and get some advice on how to handle. I'm so sorry for your loss and your discovery.