Knowledge of my dead parent's long-term affair is incredibly painful

[Anonymous]

After my parent died, I discovered their long-term affair and I'm questioning so much. I thought my parents had an unusually happy and satisfying marriage. They both certainly behaved that way -- in words and deeds -- in front of me, the rest of the family and friends. Was my deceased parent acting the whole time? Wouldn't one need to be nuts to be living a double life and to lie so convincingly over a long time period?

My deceased parent lied so much: lied to the AP about big and little things and lied to my still-living parent. I know that my still-living parent found out about the affair, but didn't realize that it went on for many years.

I thought that I had been very close to my deceased parent. But given the volume of their lies, how do I know that they actually loved me? Is someone who tells so many lies and lives a double life actually capable of love? And did my deceased parent love my still-living parent? At least once a week, my deceased parent would talk to me about how much they loved my still-living parent. Was that all a lie?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for you. This sounds like something that a therapist might be able to help you untangle. There are so many points of pain and questioning. is your living parent willing to talk about it?

[Anonymous]

Same situation but we found out years ago and my mom divorced my dad but still terrible drama and he cheated on every girlfriend too.. cleaning up the estate has no been fun.

[Anonymous]

I understand how shattering finding out this news can be for you, OP. I get why you're questioning everything right now.

Obviously, I don't know you or your parents, but I will say that it's possible for someone to have had an affair (even a long-term affair), and still love their spouse. I am not justifying the behavior whatsoever; I can imagine the betrayal felt by the spouse who was cheated on. However, relationships are not so black and white. It's possible that your deceased parent made some terrible decisions, and hurt your living parent, but still loved that person, and you.

[Anonymous]

Consider that maybe having the affair fulfilled something that wasn't being fulfilled within the marriage, and having the affair allowed the marriage to be as good as it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider that maybe having the affair fulfilled something that wasn't being fulfilled within the marriage, and having the affair allowed the marriage to be as good as it was.

No. I think OP has to accept that her parent was deeply flawed and likely a clinical narcissist. That doesn’t mean that everything was false - just that they had a disordered personality.

[Anonymous]

One of my siblings is the result of my father’s decades long affair. At some point, we learn to not be tormented by the terrible choices our parents make.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you feel pain, OP.

However it's hard for me to relate to the degree of agonizing that goes on in certain posters' minds regarding cheating/affairs/APs. Some people don't believe in monogamy, and try to live lives that don't hurt others too much while still living something that is closer to their beliefs. Some people don't mind their partners' affairs too much, given the rest of the package deal, so to speak. There are so many things in life that can hurt a marriage - I would put physical abuse, financial duress and physical and mental health disorders on that list.

But my parent having a long-term affair? No, I wouldn't be bothered for a second. That's my parents' business, not mine. I will not judge or lose sleep over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you feel pain, OP.

However it's hard for me to relate to the degree of agonizing that goes on in certain posters' minds regarding cheating/affairs/APs. Some people don't believe in monogamy, and try to live lives that don't hurt others too much while still living something that is closer to their beliefs. Some people don't mind their partners' affairs too much, given the rest of the package deal, so to speak. There are so many things in life that can hurt a marriage - I would put physical abuse, financial duress and physical and mental health disorders on that list.

But my parent having a long-term affair? No, I wouldn't be bothered for a second. That's my parents' business, not mine. I will not judge or lose sleep over it.

Being lied to for years on end is certainly a huge trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you feel pain, OP.

However it's hard for me to relate to the degree of agonizing that goes on in certain posters' minds regarding cheating/affairs/APs. Some people don't believe in monogamy, and try to live lives that don't hurt others too much while still living something that is closer to their beliefs. Some people don't mind their partners' affairs too much, given the rest of the package deal, so to speak. There are so many things in life that can hurt a marriage - I would put physical abuse, financial duress and physical and mental health disorders on that list.

But my parent having a long-term affair? No, I wouldn't be bothered for a second. That's my parents' business, not mine. I will not judge or lose sleep over it.

Being lied to for years on end is certainly a huge trauma.

For some people. Others process it in a healthier way. And a lot of people suspect, and choose to let it go. I agree with the poster saying that possibly the marriage was as good as it was because of the long-term off-side, not despite it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you feel pain, OP.

However it's hard for me to relate to the degree of agonizing that goes on in certain posters' minds regarding cheating/affairs/APs. Some people don't believe in monogamy, and try to live lives that don't hurt others too much while still living something that is closer to their beliefs. Some people don't mind their partners' affairs too much, given the rest of the package deal, so to speak. There are so many things in life that can hurt a marriage - I would put physical abuse, financial duress and physical and mental health disorders on that list.

But my parent having a long-term affair? No, I wouldn't be bothered for a second. That's my parents' business, not mine. I will not judge or lose sleep over it.

Being lied to for years on end is certainly a huge trauma.

For some people. Others process it in a healthier way. And a lot of people suspect, and choose to let it go. I agree with the poster saying that possibly the marriage was as good as it was because of the long-term off-side, not despite it.

Thanks cheater. The consequences of cheating are in fact that you deeply hurt your loved ones. No amount of Esther Perel talk can change that. And not all cheating is the same. Discreet affairs just for sex is one thing. But sounds like OP’s parent had an entire double life with lies to all parties. That is indeed a lot to handle.

[Anonymous]

Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After my parent died, I discovered their long-term affair and I'm questioning so much. I thought my parents had an unusually happy and satisfying marriage. They both certainly behaved that way -- in words and deeds -- in front of me, the rest of the family and friends. Was my deceased parent acting the whole time? Wouldn't one need to be nuts to be living a double life and to lie so convincingly over a long time period?

My deceased parent lied so much: lied to the AP about big and little things and lied to my still-living parent. I know that my still-living parent found out about the affair, but didn't realize that it went on for many years.

I thought that I had been very close to my deceased parent. But given the volume of their lies, how do I know that they actually loved me? Is someone who tells so many lies and lives a double life actually capable of love? And did my deceased parent love my still-living parent? At least once a week, my deceased parent would talk to me about how much they loved my still-living parent. Was that all a lie?

Can you for God's sake at least use correct pronouns? What do you hope to gain by concealing whether it was your mother or father was the cheater?