Reply to Knowledge of my dead parent's long-term affair is incredibly painful

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm sorry for you. [b]This sounds like something that a therapist might be able to help you untangle.[/b] There are so many points of pain and questioning. is your living parent willing to talk about it?[/quote]

I have never had an affair and I am not condoning them, but I would not question their love for you or, frankly, their spouse. I know an affair would crush me but I can also understand it wouldn't necessarily mean that my husband doesn't love me, as weird as that may sound. Also, I understand that it would crush my children, but I don't think it would say anything about my husband's love for them. Definitely talk to a disinterested third party about this and be able to unload and get some advice on how to handle. I'm so sorry for your loss and your discovery. [/quote]

So you think your husband can do things that "crush your children" when he is fully aware his actions "crush his children" and that someone who makes decision to not crush their children have the same capacity for love.

No. I know it's a hard pill to swallow but the reality is that person had a lower capacity to love another and that is fine, that is who they are. But pretending they are something they are not doesn't really help. It is a step above a dad who just leaves and starts a new family elsewhere never to return, but it's not as high as a dad who is loving and faithful to his family.

But, yes, a therapist who specializes in mourning has dealt with many family secrets and the hurt it causes. They will help you navigate the relationship you had with the person you thought was your father vs. the person he actually was.

This does not mean there was not good stuff. Also, you can't just harbor a secret like this, you will need to discuss with a therapist the correct person with whom you share this secret and depending on the situation you may keep the card close to the chest but if you fear other will find out and be angry if they know you knew then you might not. [/quote]

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