Knowledge of my dead parent's long-term affair is incredibly painful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your parents affair have to do with how much they loved you? Are all of your mistakes a reflection of the kind of parent you are?

https://marripedia.org/effect_of_divorce_on_children_s_future_relationships#:~:text=Children%20who%20have%20experienced%20parental,with%20children%20of%20intact%20families.&text=Children%20of%20divorce%20also%20have,mitigated%20by%20their%20parents'%20remarriage.

I could go on and on. Just put your kids before your d*ck ok?

Marripedia? lololol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

An affair actually has a lot to do with how much you love your children. If you love your children, you’re not selfish and do things that can hurt them deeply, which include addiction, abuse, and affairs.

The reality is this parent cared more about themselves than they did anybody else in the family, including the children.

Yeah, can someone please think of adult children!

It's not about you. Not everything in this world is about you.

Touched a nerve, eh?

Exactly, there are some cheaters on here trying to gaslight OP. It's so natural for them to lie and gaslight.

It's pathetic.

No. We are giving tough love so that OP doesn't wallow in her own pain to the detriment of her long-term mental health.

The only person OP is hurting right now is herself.

Once you understand this, you can learn to manage your suffering so that it has an end point.

This is true for any betrayal, any trauma. The perps have long-since decamped. The victim, or third party witness, or whoever stays with lingering feelings, must do the work to become functional again.

Nobody is wallowing in pain, OP literally just found out. What you want is for OP to stuff her feelings. There is no honor in never feeling feelings and calling a spade a spade.

OP is right, her parent was not who they pretended to be and they had so little honor that they let the bean spill post death, that is cowardice.

OP has the knowledge, will work through the feelings in a way that will help them grow instead of just pretending it never happened and moving on.

? None of this has anything to do with "honor" or "cowardice". OP is not owed information about someone else's romantic entanglements, unless it's her spouse's.

You're weird.

OP has the right to know when somebody lies to them. I get it, you are a cheater, and you want to believe your actions do not have consequences. But they do. I'm sorry that your deviant world views have led you to live a life in hiding and full of lies.

People with honor are truthful and only cowards do leave their children, no matter their age, left to find out about their horrible secrets once they have passed... whether it's financial, romantic, or legal.

This is OP.

To be fair to my dead parent (DP), I'm sure they never meant for me to discover the truth. I discovered the affair after my living parent (LP) asked me to go through some of my DP's correspondence for a certain time period and I found a bunch of raunchy/flirty notes that spanned years. I was beyond shocked. And my anger and confusion are distorting the grieving process.

I think my LP knows about only a small portion of the affair and doesn't realize that it went on for years. But I don't know for sure what my LP knows. And I haven't brought up the topic because I don't want to be intrusive or, even worse, reveal something that would seriously emotionally harm my LP.

I think you need to reconcile the bolded parts above. Do you think someone is trying not be discovered when they hold onto hard copies of AP’s love letters?

I posted earlier that where is the anger for the LP? If the LP knew, why did LP ask OP to go through the stuff. Could it be because LP would know what was there? (I wouldn't ever ask my kids to go through DH's stuff when he died -- that's weird. I'm also into protecting my kids, and not burdening them while they're grieving.) Also, that means that LP lied as well, but there's not a lot of anger there.

OP here.

Without getting into too much detail, my LP asked me to review certain of my DP's business files. While reviewing the business files, I came across the AP correspondence. I'm certain my LP did not expect the AP correspondence to be mixed in with the business files. I have zero anger toward my LP, who is completely blameless in this situation and I believe was in the dark about the affair's longevity.

My LP is not burdening me at all to ask for help. We are there for each other and I'm happy to do as much as I can during this difficult time.

OP, I had an affair. I am a parent. Here is my understanding about it:

1. I never stopped loving my kids or my spouse. It was my own unhealthy way to cope with marriage problems I should have dealt with directly.

2. I did love AP and my spouse at the same time. It’s weird but I do think you can love two people in that way at the same time.

3. Nothing else about our family life was a “lie.” Everything that happened actually happened.

1. Yes you did, life is not a feeling it’s an action. People who hit their kids and spouse say they love them too, you are no different.

2. Not at the same time. When you were with your AP you were hurting your children and spouse. What you did was not love, if you loved your AP you would move mountains for them not use them to sooth your broken soul

3. No , when you said you were at X you were not you were with AP. You could’ve used that time for therapy, or some other activity that would make your family life better.. but you didn’t you lied to your family and you lied to yourself. You are not who you pretend to be.

How is this helpful to OP? I get it, you hate “cheaters,” (probably because you were cheated on and are lashing out) but OP is trying to reconcile the parent she knew and loves with these actions. People are not just their worst transgressions and I’m glad my spouse didn’t have your attitude and was able to forgive and love me. OP’s parent may have been an unrepentant narcissist but may also just have been a person who made a mistake for whatever reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

An affair actually has a lot to do with how much you love your children. If you love your children, you’re not selfish and do things that can hurt them deeply, which include addiction, abuse, and affairs.

The reality is this parent cared more about themselves than they did anybody else in the family, including the children.

Yeah, can someone please think of adult children!

It's not about you. Not everything in this world is about you.

Touched a nerve, eh?

Exactly, there are some cheaters on here trying to gaslight OP. It's so natural for them to lie and gaslight.

It's pathetic.

No. We are giving tough love so that OP doesn't wallow in her own pain to the detriment of her long-term mental health.

The only person OP is hurting right now is herself.

Once you understand this, you can learn to manage your suffering so that it has an end point.

This is true for any betrayal, any trauma. The perps have long-since decamped. The victim, or third party witness, or whoever stays with lingering feelings, must do the work to become functional again.

Nobody is wallowing in pain, OP literally just found out. What you want is for OP to stuff her feelings. There is no honor in never feeling feelings and calling a spade a spade.

OP is right, her parent was not who they pretended to be and they had so little honor that they let the bean spill post death, that is cowardice.

OP has the knowledge, will work through the feelings in a way that will help them grow instead of just pretending it never happened and moving on.

? None of this has anything to do with "honor" or "cowardice". OP is not owed information about someone else's romantic entanglements, unless it's her spouse's.

You're weird.

OP has the right to know when somebody lies to them. I get it, you are a cheater, and you want to believe your actions do not have consequences. But they do. I'm sorry that your deviant world views have led you to live a life in hiding and full of lies.

People with honor are truthful and only cowards do leave their children, no matter their age, left to find out about their horrible secrets once they have passed... whether it's financial, romantic, or legal.

Sorry you've been dumped. Apparently it did quite a number on you.

Nope. Just a balanced and healthy human. Sorry you are a cheater and don’t know how real love works. Knowingly hurting others and calling it live is a disordered way of thinking and emotional abuse but only serious and deep therapy can help you stop hurting others in your life,

Keep dreaming. Balanced and healthy humans don't obsess about others' private lives and appoint themselves the ultimate moral arbiters. Neither do they feel an urge to "diagnose" strangers on the internet.

Keep dreaming. Cheaters love to compartmentalize and gaslight people for their own benefit. OP is shocked and needs to understand that her feelings are valid and her DP's actions are not what good moral people do and she needs to work through those very valid feelings with a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

An affair actually has a lot to do with how much you love your children. If you love your children, you’re not selfish and do things that can hurt them deeply, which include addiction, abuse, and affairs.

The reality is this parent cared more about themselves than they did anybody else in the family, including the children.

Yeah, can someone please think of adult children!

It's not about you. Not everything in this world is about you.

Touched a nerve, eh?

Exactly, there are some cheaters on here trying to gaslight OP. It's so natural for them to lie and gaslight.

It's pathetic.

No. We are giving tough love so that OP doesn't wallow in her own pain to the detriment of her long-term mental health.

The only person OP is hurting right now is herself.

Once you understand this, you can learn to manage your suffering so that it has an end point.

This is true for any betrayal, any trauma. The perps have long-since decamped. The victim, or third party witness, or whoever stays with lingering feelings, must do the work to become functional again.

Nobody is wallowing in pain, OP literally just found out. What you want is for OP to stuff her feelings. There is no honor in never feeling feelings and calling a spade a spade.

OP is right, her parent was not who they pretended to be and they had so little honor that they let the bean spill post death, that is cowardice.

OP has the knowledge, will work through the feelings in a way that will help them grow instead of just pretending it never happened and moving on.

? None of this has anything to do with "honor" or "cowardice". OP is not owed information about someone else's romantic entanglements, unless it's her spouse's.

You're weird.

OP has the right to know when somebody lies to them. I get it, you are a cheater, and you want to believe your actions do not have consequences. But they do. I'm sorry that your deviant world views have led you to live a life in hiding and full of lies.

People with honor are truthful and only cowards do leave their children, no matter their age, left to find out about their horrible secrets once they have passed... whether it's financial, romantic, or legal.

This is OP.

To be fair to my dead parent (DP), I'm sure they never meant for me to discover the truth. I discovered the affair after my living parent (LP) asked me to go through some of my DP's correspondence for a certain time period and I found a bunch of raunchy/flirty notes that spanned years. I was beyond shocked. And my anger and confusion are distorting the grieving process.

I think my LP knows about only a small portion of the affair and doesn't realize that it went on for years. But I don't know for sure what my LP knows. And I haven't brought up the topic because I don't want to be intrusive or, even worse, reveal something that would seriously emotionally harm my LP.

I think you need to reconcile the bolded parts above. Do you think someone is trying not be discovered when they hold onto hard copies of AP’s love letters?

I posted earlier that where is the anger for the LP? If the LP knew, why did LP ask OP to go through the stuff. Could it be because LP would know what was there? (I wouldn't ever ask my kids to go through DH's stuff when he died -- that's weird. I'm also into protecting my kids, and not burdening them while they're grieving.) Also, that means that LP lied as well, but there's not a lot of anger there.

OP here.

Without getting into too much detail, my LP asked me to review certain of my DP's business files. While reviewing the business files, I came across the AP correspondence. I'm certain my LP did not expect the AP correspondence to be mixed in with the business files. I have zero anger toward my LP, who is completely blameless in this situation and I believe was in the dark about the affair's longevity.

My LP is not burdening me at all to ask for help. We are there for each other and I'm happy to do as much as I can during this difficult time.

OP, I had an affair. I am a parent. Here is my understanding about it:

1. I never stopped loving my kids or my spouse. It was my own unhealthy way to cope with marriage problems I should have dealt with directly.

2. I did love AP and my spouse at the same time. It’s weird but I do think you can love two people in that way at the same time.

3. Nothing else about our family life was a “lie.” Everything that happened actually happened.

1. Yes you did, life is not a feeling it’s an action. People who hit their kids and spouse say they love them too, you are no different.

2. Not at the same time. When you were with your AP you were hurting your children and spouse. What you did was not love, if you loved your AP you would move mountains for them not use them to sooth your broken soul

3. No , when you said you were at X you were not you were with AP. You could’ve used that time for therapy, or some other activity that would make your family life better.. but you didn’t you lied to your family and you lied to yourself. You are not who you pretend to be.

How is this helpful to OP? I get it, you hate “cheaters,” (probably because you were cheated on and are lashing out) but OP is trying to reconcile the parent she knew and loves with these actions. People are not just their worst transgressions and I’m glad my spouse didn’t have your attitude and was able to forgive and love me. OP’s parent may have been an unrepentant narcissist but may also just have been a person who made a mistake for whatever reason.

I understand, since you are a cheater, the deep need to put all those behaviors in a box and pretend they are not a part of who you are, but they are. I never said her DP is his worst transgression but they are not the person OP thought they are. That is a valid feeling and making her feel like her feeling are invalid is gaslighting. How is gaslighting her helping her. Perhaps you are not done with therapy for your own behavior and don't understand that yet.

I do not hate cheaters I love quite a few. I have many friends that have blown up their lives due to cheating, addiction and abuse. I don't say hey alcoholic, it's fine let's get a drink, your kids will understand if you go on another bender.

When my best friend was cheating I got her help, I didn't just say...oh well that doesn't define you.

OP has feelings about her DP who is someone that she doesn't recognize, and you are trying to invalidate her feeling because you are a cheater, and you hope that your children would just overlook all your toxic traits. That is not healthy, healthy adults face these facts head on, admit their faults and work on them to become a better person. OP was robbed of that opportunity because her selfish DP is gone and she can't build a relationship with the person her parent really is. She now needs to do that difficult work without her parent here.

There is a whole "branch" of therapy that deals with mourning a death and discovering family secrets after a death. It's not healthy to just say "oh well" my feeling are immature I just need to suck it up. That's terribly unhealthy and actually repeating the pattern of her DP.

I doubt your H would forgive you if he knew you were still cheating.

I'm sorry that terrible things in your life led you to a life of cheating and I hope and pray that you didn't just receive forgiveness, but that you did the hard work to understand the root cause to your destructive behavior. Your H loves you not a fake persona of who you are. OP was never given that opportunity.

[Anonymous]

^^^^ "cheater", "abuse", "transgression", "invalidate", "toxic", "therapy", "pattern", "destructive", "root cause", "persona"

nutcase red flags.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^^ "cheater", "abuse", "transgression", "invalidate", "toxic", "therapy", "pattern", "destructive", "root cause", "persona"

nutcase red flags.

Those words would not cut like a knife if you dealt with your internal conflict and stopped seeking validation externally.

[Anonymous]

MYOBedroom

[Anonymous]

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised but the pile-on of OP is pretty outrageous and does not at all reflect what normal people would say. OP I hope you work with a therapist to come to some peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you feel pain, OP.

However it's hard for me to relate to the degree of agonizing that goes on in certain posters' minds regarding cheating/affairs/APs. Some people don't believe in monogamy, and try to live lives that don't hurt others too much while still living something that is closer to their beliefs. Some people don't mind their partners' affairs too much, given the rest of the package deal, so to speak. There are so many things in life that can hurt a marriage - I would put physical abuse, financial duress and physical and mental health disorders on that list.

But my parent having a long-term affair? No, I wouldn't be bothered for a second. That's my parents' business, not mine. I will not judge or lose sleep over it.

Being lied to for years on end is certainly a huge trauma.

For some people. Others process it in a healthier way. And a lot of people suspect, and choose to let it go. I agree with the poster saying that possibly the marriage was as good as it was because of the long-term off-side, not despite it.

NP. I wouldn’t say your way is healthier. Denial is as toxic as accepting the existence of trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I shouldn’t be surprised but the pile-on of OP is pretty outrageous and does not at all reflect what normal people would say. OP I hope you work with a therapist to come to some peace.

+1 I think it would be difficult to find out that your parent was a cheater, whether they have passed on or not, especially if you had an idealized view of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:pp back to say...of course your parent loved you. This wouldn't change. Grieve, but stay focused.

Wrong. True love does not involve doing things that hurt the person you love.

FFS you're over the top. Besides, you're really $hitty to tell the OP her parent didn't love her when s/he can't tell her.

My marital actions have no bearing on my love for my kids. Neither do my husband's. My parents got divorced, does that mean they don't love me?

Besides, you and OP have a thought that causes your feeling. If my parent cheated I wouldn't blink an eye. So, it's not the action, it's the thought that causes your suffering. Fix your toxic thoughts.

I believe you when you say the bolded. However from this post and what I believe are your others you betray a distanced familial relationship that I would not want to experience. I certainly believe you wouldn’t care if your parents cheated or your spouse. That is indeed clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I shouldn’t be surprised but the pile-on of OP is pretty outrageous and does not at all reflect what normal people would say. OP I hope you work with a therapist to come to some peace.

+1 I think it would be difficult to find out that your parent was a cheater, whether they have passed on or not, especially if you had an idealized view of them.

And especially if like OP you are now in the position of having to protect your living parent from information about the affair (and had to see the information yourself).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

An affair actually has a lot to do with how much you love your children. If you love your children, you’re not selfish and do things that can hurt them deeply, which include addiction, abuse, and affairs.

The reality is this parent cared more about themselves than they did anybody else in the family, including the children.

Yeah, can someone please think of adult children!

It's not about you. Not everything in this world is about you.

Touched a nerve, eh?

Exactly, there are some cheaters on here trying to gaslight OP. It's so natural for them to lie and gaslight.

It's pathetic.

No. We are giving tough love so that OP doesn't wallow in her own pain to the detriment of her long-term mental health.

The only person OP is hurting right now is herself.

Once you understand this, you can learn to manage your suffering so that it has an end point.

This is true for any betrayal, any trauma. The perps have long-since decamped. The victim, or third party witness, or whoever stays with lingering feelings, must do the work to become functional again.

Nobody is wallowing in pain, OP literally just found out. What you want is for OP to stuff her feelings. There is no honor in never feeling feelings and calling a spade a spade.

OP is right, her parent was not who they pretended to be and they had so little honor that they let the bean spill post death, that is cowardice.

OP has the knowledge, will work through the feelings in a way that will help them grow instead of just pretending it never happened and moving on.

? None of this has anything to do with "honor" or "cowardice". OP is not owed information about someone else's romantic entanglements, unless it's her spouse's.

You're weird.

OP has the right to know when somebody lies to them. I get it, you are a cheater, and you want to believe your actions do not have consequences. But they do. I'm sorry that your deviant world views have led you to live a life in hiding and full of lies.

People with honor are truthful and only cowards do leave their children, no matter their age, left to find out about their horrible secrets once they have passed... whether it's financial, romantic, or legal.

This is OP.

To be fair to my dead parent (DP), I'm sure they never meant for me to discover the truth. I discovered the affair after my living parent (LP) asked me to go through some of my DP's correspondence for a certain time period and I found a bunch of raunchy/flirty notes that spanned years. I was beyond shocked. And my anger and confusion are distorting the grieving process.

I think my LP knows about only a small portion of the affair and doesn't realize that it went on for years. But I don't know for sure what my LP knows. And I haven't brought up the topic because I don't want to be intrusive or, even worse, reveal something that would seriously emotionally harm my LP.

I think you need to reconcile the bolded parts above. Do you think someone is trying not be discovered when they hold onto hard copies of AP’s love letters?

I posted earlier that where is the anger for the LP? If the LP knew, why did LP ask OP to go through the stuff. Could it be because LP would know what was there? (I wouldn't ever ask my kids to go through DH's stuff when he died -- that's weird. I'm also into protecting my kids, and not burdening them while they're grieving.) Also, that means that LP lied as well, but there's not a lot of anger there.

OP here.

Without getting into too much detail, my LP asked me to review certain of my DP's business files. While reviewing the business files, I came across the AP correspondence. I'm certain my LP did not expect the AP correspondence to be mixed in with the business files. I have zero anger toward my LP, who is completely blameless in this situation and I believe was in the dark about the affair's longevity.

My LP is not burdening me at all to ask for help. We are there for each other and I'm happy to do as much as I can during this difficult time.

OP, I had an affair. I am a parent. Here is my understanding about it:

1. I never stopped loving my kids or my spouse. It was my own unhealthy way to cope with marriage problems I should have dealt with directly.

2. I did love AP and my spouse at the same time. It’s weird but I do think you can love two people in that way at the same time.

3. Nothing else about our family life was a “lie.” Everything that happened actually happened.

1. Yes you did, life is not a feeling it’s an action. People who hit their kids and spouse say they love them too, you are no different.

2. Not at the same time. When you were with your AP you were hurting your children and spouse. What you did was not love, if you loved your AP you would move mountains for them not use them to sooth your broken soul

3. No , when you said you were at X you were not you were with AP. You could’ve used that time for therapy, or some other activity that would make your family life better.. but you didn’t you lied to your family and you lied to yourself. You are not who you pretend to be.

How is this helpful to OP? I get it, you hate “cheaters,” (probably because you were cheated on and are lashing out) but OP is trying to reconcile the parent she knew and loves with these actions. People are not just their worst transgressions and I’m glad my spouse didn’t have your attitude and was able to forgive and love me. OP’s parent may have been an unrepentant narcissist but may also just have been a person who made a mistake for whatever reason.

I understand, since you are a cheater, the deep need to put all those behaviors in a box and pretend they are not a part of who you are, but they are. I never said her DP is his worst transgression but they are not the person OP thought they are. That is a valid feeling and making her feel like her feeling are invalid is gaslighting. How is gaslighting her helping her. Perhaps you are not done with therapy for your own behavior and don't understand that yet.

I do not hate cheaters I love quite a few. I have many friends that have blown up their lives due to cheating, addiction and abuse. I don't say hey alcoholic, it's fine let's get a drink, your kids will understand if you go on another bender.

When my best friend was cheating I got her help, I didn't just say...oh well that doesn't define you.

OP has feelings about her DP who is someone that she doesn't recognize, and you are trying to invalidate her feeling because you are a cheater, and you hope that your children would just overlook all your toxic traits. That is not healthy, healthy adults face these facts head on, admit their faults and work on them to become a better person. OP was robbed of that opportunity because her selfish DP is gone and she can't build a relationship with the person her parent really is. She now needs to do that difficult work without her parent here.

There is a whole "branch" of therapy that deals with mourning a death and discovering family secrets after a death. It's not healthy to just say "oh well" my feeling are immature I just need to suck it up. That's terribly unhealthy and actually repeating the pattern of her DP.

I doubt your H would forgive you if he knew you were still cheating.

I'm sorry that terrible things in your life led you to a life of cheating and I hope and pray that you didn't just receive forgiveness, but that you did the hard work to understand the root cause to your destructive behavior. Your H loves you not a fake persona of who you are. OP was never given that opportunity.

You might very well take the prize for the most judgemental DCUM poster ever. That’s saying a lot! Congratulations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Etc me guess you were always a bit smug about having the perfect family and parents with the perfect relationship.
And now you have to be an adult and realize perfect doesn't exist.
Time to grow the hell up.
This really doesn't concern you at all.
Yet you've decided to make it your personal tragedy that suggests a degree of narcissism and inappropriate levels of codependency.

I wouldn't have been so harsh, but this is true. There's enough emoting and hand-wringing about posters' own betrayals by their spouses that seem completely over the top on this board, but feeling that way about parental affairs? This isn't the end of the world. Your surviving parent may have been fine with it. There might have been reasons for this situation. You can start hating your deceased parent's guts now, but I think you should accept that you will never know the full picture, and therefore cannot judge.

+1

And affair has nothing to do with parent’s love for you. Your reaction is over the top.

An affair actually has a lot to do with how much you love your children. If you love your children, you’re not selfish and do things that can hurt them deeply, which include addiction, abuse, and affairs.

The reality is this parent cared more about themselves than they did anybody else in the family, including the children.

Yeah, can someone please think of adult children!

It's not about you. Not everything in this world is about you.

Touched a nerve, eh?

Exactly, there are some cheaters on here trying to gaslight OP. It's so natural for them to lie and gaslight.

It's pathetic.

I’m not sure all the posters trying to gaslight and attack OP are cheaters. Some of them, probably yes, because they have a narcissistic need to believe that nobody is hurt by their actions.

But I actually think most of the posters attacking OP are the same group of DCUM posters who attack anyone who shows they have a close family. DCUM has a group of posters who have familial relationships that are very distanced and lonely-sounding. They interact with each other as if their family members were as important to them as the mailman. They are pleasant to each other and they nod in passing in the morning as they go to the kitchen to breakfast. They may eat dinner together, as they do with a work colleague. But they aren’t close, and while they don’t have the self-awareness to understand why, they do dimly understand that they are missing something.

This group attacks any posters on DCUM who show signs of having a close familial relationship. It is of course perfectly normal in a close family to go what OP is going through. But to the attackers, this is a sign of what they don’t have, the depth of relationship they never had with their parents. So they attack.

It’s the same group of people who attack posters who say they miss their kids at college, or who attack posters who miss siblings who move across the country. The pattern is similar: someone posts something heartfelt and these posters descend on the thread to gaslight them OP. OP should ignore them, but the fact her thread attracted them is a sign to OP that she is right to be upset. Her response is that of a normal person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you feel pain, OP.

However it's hard for me to relate to the degree of agonizing that goes on in certain posters' minds regarding cheating/affairs/APs. Some people don't believe in monogamy, and try to live lives that don't hurt others too much while still living something that is closer to their beliefs. Some people don't mind their partners' affairs too much, given the rest of the package deal, so to speak. There are so many things in life that can hurt a marriage - I would put physical abuse, financial duress and physical and mental health disorders on that list.

But my parent having a long-term affair? No, I wouldn't be bothered for a second. That's my parents' business, not mine. I will not judge or lose sleep over it.

Being lied to for years on end is certainly a huge trauma.

For some people. Others process it in a healthier way. And a lot of people suspect, and choose to let it go. I agree with the poster saying that possibly the marriage was as good as it was because of the long-term off-side, not despite it.

That's a generalization that is not even true.

Both my FIL and my father cheated on their wives. My mother now has dementia and is reliving what he did to her. It's awful watching her go through it because I was not even alive when it happened. She had very few choices in her life. A lot of the women in the older generations did not have means to divorce and be financially capable of taking care of themselves or their kids. They stuck around because they had few other choices.

I am not sure about my MIL, but I know that it completely devastated her. She had a double mastectomy and then he cheated. I guess her not having an br3asts meant there was something lacking in her marriage. He ended up with dementia, and he too started reliving his affair. It was painful for her to relive that again.

So, you cheaters can make excuses to justify your cheating a$$ but there is always trauma and devastation you leave in your cheating.

We had to deal with the consequences of my FILs long-term affair when he had dementia as well, complicated by the fact that the AP (who became his second wife) noped out when he started to get signs of dementia and started having an affair herself while he was declining. It was awful.