"Your not the boss of me" "Make me"- How to respond to 14yo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lose your phone and your computer and all electronics and everything that gives pleasure for long enough to know that you are, in fact, the boss of him.

Don't cave in. Make it hurt.

This works for me.

Me too. Works very well. For all 3 of mine.

That said, some of these kids seem to have bigger issues. I could how this strategy would not be effective. My friend has a DS this age with a lot of issues and he would physically refuse (like laugh and not hand over the phone, refuse to go to school etc) and nothing short of physically dragging him out the door or pinning him down and taking the phone would work. Which she does not do. A lot of these kids have issues far beyond the normal teenagers stuff most of us are dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Phone works in our house too. Our kids have a pretty good life with allowance, occasional Starbucks runs etc, rides to friends, expensive activities. They are good kids and therefore we are pretty lenient with them now due to mutual trust. But they know what the expectations are and that crossing certain lines would be TEOTWATKI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an argumentative kid like that. I say things back like - we can have a roommate situation whenever you want. That means you need to be responsible for 1/4 of the upkeep and expenses of the house including the mortgage and food. As roommates, we need to split up house responsibilities and have common rules for living together. Are your ready for that or will you be finding your own place?

Be careful with this one. There are actually plenty of groups who will help your kid “escape” from this terrible how life situation. And by the time he realizes how good he had it, you’ll have a whole new set of issues to contend with and it may be too late.

I’d go with “I’m not going to make you. I’m going to give you a choice to do what I’ve asked or not. If you do it, then I’d appreciate it and you’ll get to keep your phone service that your dad and I have generously paid for you to have. If you don’t, you’ll lose the phone entirely. It’s your choice.”
But either way, I’d remove phone privileges orngaming privileges for at least 48 hours for using that tantrum-toddler language and tone with me. It isn’t necessary and you don’t need to tolerate that.
Just don’t lose your cool, OP.
Keep you voice firm and low and unemotional. Let him be the overreactor here.

I see your point. This works on my hot headed son. I’m not worried about him actually leaving because it’s more about him spouting off his mouth in a quick moment than him really thinking “you aren’t the boss of me.” If you have a kid who legitimately could run away, this wouldn’t be the line to use.

[Anonymous]

A child that immature (I haven’t heard statements like that since my kids were toddlers!) is not mature enough to have access to a phone, period. Who knows the type of trouble he can get into. I would permanently confiscate the phone, and heavily restrict other internet usage. Also don’t allow unsupervised time out with friends. Basically treat him like the toddler he is (emotionally) before he gets into real trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How should I respond when my 14yo who loves to pick fights with me says "Your, not the boss of me" or "Make me" when I tell him something? Looking for more productive ways than my usual - do it or lose your phone.....

“I brought you into this world, I can take you OUT of it.”

Bill Cosby may be a lecherous felon but that was a great line.

So you propose killing your kid? How else wouls you " take you out of it"

[Anonymous]

Complete parenting failure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How should I respond when my 14yo who loves to pick fights with me says "Your, not the boss of me" or "Make me" when I tell him something? Looking for more productive ways than my usual - do it or lose your phone.....

“I brought you into this world, I can take you OUT of it.”

Bill Cosby may be a lecherous felon but that was a great line.

So you propose killing your kid? How else wouls you " take you out of it"

The statement isn’t intended to be conveyed literally. It’s a silly response to a dumb challenge.

[Anonymous]

I’d set expectations for behavior in a neutral moment. So Larlo, you’re getting older so I want to review the house rules with you and see if you have anything to add. Go over each rule and set a consequence for not following it. Remember pick your battles and make sure these are things you can follow through on every single time.

Personally I’d ignore the isolated you’re not the boss of me, or random smart asz comment, but would expect him to still be getting the homework out in your example. If he’s constantly arguing leave the room or send him outside or something. Don’t get into an arguing match with a teenager. Revisit this later and add it to the house rules if you must and discuss consequences for excessive arguing or flat out disrespect.

Use less language and less arguing when he’s already upset and refer him back to the house expectations and consequences. If he doesn’t follow the rules, point to the consequence and follow through. Consistently. Don’t argue about it. Talk about it later if you need to.

Praise him when he does well, can’t stress that enough. So often we focus on what they aren’t doing and forget to tell them when they’re doing good. Use the moments he’s doing well to build that trust and give him a little more responsibility. Wow you’ve done so well this week, would you like to invite a friend to a movie this weekend or would you like to cook a special dinner with me or you can have an extra hour of screen time this weekend because you’ve really been showing your maturity.

If all else fails you can always take off the bedroom door or set up a tent for him in the backyard😜

[Anonymous]

Let me tell you what our parent trainer for ADHD boys said:

He wants a fight. That doesn’t mean you have to give him one.

[Anonymous]

One thing our son's psychologist said was to keep the interaction short. As a pp said, he wants a fight; don't give him one.

Kid: You aren't the boss of me!!
Parent: (internally rolling your eyes, likely) "I'm going to let you try that again"
Kid: *angry glare, silently challenging you*
Parent: "you've made your choice. We'll discuss it later". WALK AWAY.

At this point it isn't about the homework. It likely won't be completed.

You need clear consequences spelled out. List them somewhere your child can see them.

What is the consequence for being defiant? Enact that. Calmly explain that the consequence is for his defiance. Then let it go and start over the next day.

[Anonymous]

I have an ADHD kid like that. No advice, just sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes the parents need to look at themselves, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His father needs to beat his @ss.

dp.. I'm the mom, and I have no problem with doing so.

What's your plan for preventing your kid from beating yours? Also remember that you can face legal consequences that he won't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I never try to be your boss. I'm your parent. If I were your boss you would've been fired already."

"I don't have to try to make you. I tell you the expectation and the natural consequence if you don't meet it."

+1

Provide him with food, shelter, clothing, an education, and love.

Beyond that, anything he wants is a privilege that he must earn through participating in family life including chores and showing respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Complete parenting failure.

I can't comment on OP, but ADHD parenting can be next level. You'd be surprised what some parents have to deal with. Most parents - maybe you too - would be completely out of their depth.