Love DH but he’s low sex drive…considering a business trip affair

[Anonymous]

Your husband may or may not be fine if comes out sometime in the future. But think about how your kids will see you once they are in the know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

I would go to a sex therapist first.

The thing is OP, you have two bad options here. One is not having the kind of sex you want and need. The other is hurting your very loving husband and in so doing not holding up your values.

Is there a third option? I think so. Getting someone to mediate the conversation wil help. Getting a therapist to help you clarify your goals. You feel as if you aren’t getting what you need. Maybe the connection to your husband is going though a dry spell?

I love this idea but it’s a non-starter with DH.

No, you don't want to "rock the boat" by being honest with him about how you really feel about the lack of sex in the relationship.

If you were honest with him about how this makes you want to stray, and the only way forward together to resolve it with integrity is counseling, he would have to consider things.

You want everything. You want your marriage to be "good" i.e. continue with the superficially non-conflictual companionship and camaraderie. You also want to take a lover on the side. I think you understand that by wanting this, you are avoiding the fact that you have to choose and both options are bad. Your other option is to level with him and go to counseling to figure this out together. But YOU don't want to put the ultimatum and be honest, because that would mean the end of what you value in your relationship. I.e. a situation that doesn't require much out of you.

[Anonymous]

OP, does your conscience prick you at all about potentially blowing up someone else’s family? Doing this your own doesn’t seem to be a deterrent, but the other guy has a wife and kids. Frankly, it sounds like you want the endorphin rush and are rewriting history a bit to justify it. What concrete actions have you taken with respect to your DH yo address your issues - or did this become a bigger issue when you met someone else who turned you on? I don’t see how the “once or twice a year” with the other guy would make your life so much better that it’s worth what you are risking (your marriage, your self-respect, your kids’ respect, your family life, etc.) but do your own risk calculation. Seems like if it’s only once or twice a year it’s really just about the excitement and self-gratification, not really a substitute for a low sex marriage. Be honest with yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad cheated on my mom 28 years into marriage. They divorced and I lost so much respect for my dad. I've kept him at arms length at best and totally gone no contact with him for periods up to 5 months at worst. I also severely limit his contact with my kids. I frankly think he's a coward.

My xDh cheated on a business trip and the person turned bunny boiler immediately. She reached out to me and told me everything, we divorced, we lost half of our time with our kids, put the entire family (extended included) through hell, obliterated our finances, kids are in therapy, friends chose sides, a lot of his best friends ghosted him, he left his job and had to get 2 jobs, he lost our dog in the process, he lost himself and his self worth.

Look how much you've lost by having such an unnuanced, black-and-white view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

You should have started with "Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me..."

[Anonymous]

Offer husband first dibs. If he declines, tell him you're going to get it yourself.

[Anonymous]

I mean, can’t you just take care of yourself? Jeez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, does your conscience prick you at all about potentially blowing up someone else’s family? Doing this your own doesn’t seem to be a deterrent, but the other guy has a wife and kids. Frankly, it sounds like you want the endorphin rush and are rewriting history a bit to justify it. What concrete actions have you taken with respect to your DH yo address your issues - or did this become a bigger issue when you met someone else who turned you on? I don’t see how the “once or twice a year” with the other guy would make your life so much better that it’s worth what you are risking (your marriage, your self-respect, your kids’ respect, your family life, etc.) but do your own risk calculation. Seems like if it’s only once or twice a year it’s really just about the excitement and self-gratification, not really a substitute for a low sex marriage. Be honest with yourself.

+1,000

This is the most intelligent post on the thread, OP.

For your sake, for your marriage's sake, for your own self-respect later -- please re-read the post above and think hard about what PP asks you in it. Can you be as brutally honest with yourself, about your own real motivations and lack of communication with DH, as you need to be? Can you step back from what PP rightly identifies as the endorphin rush of Mr. Take-Me-Now's attention, and objectively see the larger picture of potentially blowing up your kids' lives, your marriage, etc., before you proceed? (And BTW, even if you are empty nesters, yes, your adult kids' lives would be affected more than you can realize right now, in case "empty nest" was one of your justifications to yourself.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

I have an asexual DH. No sex for 18 years. Therefore, I consider my sex life my business, and definitely not his. YMMV, especially if sex with your DH is rare as opposed to nonexistent.

Another wife with a husband who hasn't wanted sex in about eight years - how does that work in practice?

So strange. I have never been with a man (no matter how long we were together--husband 25 years) who wouldn't do it daily. They are ready 'to go' anytime.

I’m a male in my 50s. I don’t want it every day. I think your DH is the exception rather than the rule if he’s middle aged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

I have an asexual DH. No sex for 18 years. Therefore, I consider my sex life my business, and definitely not his. YMMV, especially if sex with your DH is rare as opposed to nonexistent.

Another wife with a husband who hasn't wanted sex in about eight years - how does that work in practice?

So strange. I have never been with a man (no matter how long we were together--husband 25 years) who wouldn't do it daily. They are ready 'to go' anytime.

I’m a male in my 50s. I don’t want it every day. I think your DH is the exception rather than the rule if he’s middle aged.

+1. Same age. 1-2 times a week is what my wife and I aim for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

I have an asexual DH. No sex for 18 years. Therefore, I consider my sex life my business, and definitely not his. YMMV, especially if sex with your DH is rare as opposed to nonexistent.

Another wife with a husband who hasn't wanted sex in about eight years - how does that work in practice?

So strange. I have never been with a man (no matter how long we were together--husband 25 years) who wouldn't do it daily. They are ready 'to go' anytime.

I’m a male in my 50s. I don’t want it every day. I think your DH is the exception rather than the rule if he’s middle aged.

+1 56 yo male.

Though it depends. I would never turn it down if my wife initiated and did most of the work. But that literally never happens. Thus I'm a +1. Not interested in doing all the work every day.

[Anonymous]

I’d tell your husband about your encounter and how close you came to doing it given you have no sex life at home. See how he responds. At least that will get a dialogue going around the problem and that you want to work with him on a solution. Where the conversation then goes is wide open but at least it’s on the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

I have an asexual DH. No sex for 18 years. Therefore, I consider my sex life my business, and definitely not his. YMMV, especially if sex with your DH is rare as opposed to nonexistent.

Another wife with a husband who hasn't wanted sex in about eight years - how does that work in practice?

So strange. I have never been with a man (no matter how long we were together--husband 25 years) who wouldn't do it daily. They are ready 'to go' anytime.

I’m a male in my 50s. I don’t want it every day. I think your DH is the exception rather than the rule if he’s middle aged.

Male in my late 40s. I agree with this. I think a lot of people who say that they could do it every day, or even X times per day, really either (a) mean simply that they could do it, and not that they are going nuts wanting it, and/or (b) don't know that to be true because they are in a much less frequent situation.

[Anonymous]

I’m sure it’s not about the sex at all, it’s about something new and exciting. I’d bet the OP’s husband no longer kisses her passionately and doesn’t notice when she gets a haircut or dresses up. And coworker is attentive and interested and actually SEES her. And the more attention she gets from him the more boring and ungrateful her husband seems. Ask me how I know. And ask me about my divorce and the aftermath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

I have an asexual DH. No sex for 18 years. Therefore, I consider my sex life my business, and definitely not his. YMMV, especially if sex with your DH is rare as opposed to nonexistent.

Another wife with a husband who hasn't wanted sex in about eight years - how does that work in practice?

So strange. I have never been with a man (no matter how long we were together--husband 25 years) who wouldn't do it daily. They are ready 'to go' anytime.

I’m a male in my 50s. I don’t want it every day. I think your DH is the exception rather than the rule if he’s middle aged.

There’s quite a range. I have a bit of the same issue as OP. I desire it daily. My significant other will do it a few times a week, and I can tell they get off, but it’s not necessary for them. They could be fine with weekly or less. So we are making it work by them meeting my needs. Unfair? Perhaps. But what’s really the option?

So the so-called ethical non monogomy does come up as an idea. Thing is, what’s the right way? A casual fling that means nothing but a rush? Ok, but it’s not genuine or intimate. Might as well look at porn. A more detailed and ongoing relations? Meh. Not really looking for the intertwined life. Put my so on some drugs to increase libido? Nope.

No good option. I feel OP’s pain.