Love DH but he’s low sex drive…considering a business trip affair

[Anonymous]

Oh please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

I would go to a sex therapist first.

The thing is OP, you have two bad options here. One is not having the kind of sex you want and need. The other is hurting your very loving husband and in so doing not holding up your values.

Is there a third option? I think so. Getting someone to mediate the conversation wil help. Getting a therapist to help you clarify your goals. You feel as if you aren’t getting what you need. Maybe the connection to your husband is going though a dry spell?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP.

If you went through with this, how would DH react if he found out?

Is there a way you could train him, or condition him, to be more open to you doing this, without outright saying it? Maybe, over time, you could make him see it more your way, and at least be open to a “don’t ask don’t tell” situation?

That’s an interesting idea, thank you. I think something blunt like “how about an open marriage” would be too scary and get rejected - that’s actually one talk we have never had. But maybe easing into it. I would (clearly) be OK with a DADT, although as another recent thread notes, you run the risk of one of the 4+ participants getting too emotionally involved.

Sorry and to your first question - he’d be terribly sad and hurt, hence why I’m trying to think through all the angles.

Maybe there are lots of angles, but two things seem clear to me.
1. It’s cognitive dissonance to think you can do something you know would hurt your husband and yet do it anyway, repeatedly and intentionally - especially something that is pulse-quickening for you. I don’t recommend trying to hold this in your head and your heart.
2. Other posters have mentioned trying to work through this or mediate or something. Seems like good advice. The critical thing is that to get what you want, you’re going to have to step out of your comfort zone and confront this *with* your DH. If you’re so committed to him and he’s so committed to you, you’ll work through it. Yes, it will make him sad. But if he loves you and you’re happy that will help. Just make it clear that it’s not about finding love or an emotional connection somewhere else. You’ll always come back to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP.

If you went through with this, how would DH react if he found out?

Is there a way you could train him, or condition him, to be more open to you doing this, without outright saying it? Maybe, over time, you could make him see it more your way, and at least be open to a “don’t ask don’t tell” situation?

That’s an interesting idea, thank you. I think something blunt like “how about an open marriage” would be too scary and get rejected - that’s actually one talk we have never had. But maybe easing into it. I would (clearly) be OK with a DADT, although as another recent thread notes, you run the risk of one of the 4+ participants getting too emotionally involved.

Maybe a way to introduce the topic might be to first ask what would be his thoughts about a 3-way ? Over time, bring it up on several occasions. Segway that into maybe fantasy-play about how a 3 way woukd play out; get him accustomed to the fantasy idea of you being with another man. Replay the fantasy. Perhaps you could reach a place where you’d both begin to approach a DADT compromise, on occasion, where he feels he wouldn’t be hurt by something he didn’t know.

[Anonymous]

Lots of posts advising you to do the upstanding thing... But here in the real world, I advise you to go for it. Especially given the setup here. This would happen out of town, a couple times a year; you don't work with him. It's pretty ideal.

But -- BUT -- you have to commit to no contact with this guy in between travel. If you think you might get addicted to feeling desired, and then start texting, flirting, sending pics, then it becomes like 98% sure that it will end very badly, most likely your DH finding out. Not worth it in that case. But if you just want a sweaty passionate exciting couple of hours, go for it.

[Anonymous]

Give him an ultimatum. Either get a full physical and hormonal checkup plus see a sex therapist, or agree to an open relationship. If you think this will backfire and cause him to ask for a divorce, suggest it in a softer way.

[Anonymous]

I was in your shoes, and I went for it, and it’s been great.

Keep in mind, the views on this site around cheating are pretty extreme.

The truth is that 60% of long term relationships face infidelity, so it’s not rare.

I don’t want to blow my whole life up, but my DH stopped wanting sex 3 years into our marriage when we were both in our 30s. I tried ALL the things. The post above about “get him a full work up” always pisses me off. I don’t have control over another adult, and even if he figured out what was wrong, he has to follow up to fix it (get testosterone or antidepressants, etc.). My DH has zero tenacity or initiative so even if I could get him to the initial appointment, there is a 0% chance of him following through.

Do what you have to do to stay married if that’s what you want. I feel not even one microscopic particle of guilt about what I’m doing. ZERO. And I will never be caught

[Anonymous]

So you are 50-mid 50s. 60 isn’t far off. You want to risk everything good in your life now and end up shriveled up and alone and wrinkly crepey skin still looking for strange D then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

Re-read the bold and wake the f@“$k up! Don’t be an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you are 50-mid 50s. 60 isn’t far off. You want to risk everything good in your life now and end up shriveled up and alone and wrinkly crepey skin still looking for strange D then.

That's the fate for most women anyway, since they tend to outlive male partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in your shoes, and I went for it, and it’s been great.

Keep in mind, the views on this site around cheating are pretty extreme.

The truth is that 60% of long term relationships face infidelity, so it’s not rare.

I don’t want to blow my whole life up, but my DH stopped wanting sex 3 years into our marriage when we were both in our 30s. I tried ALL the things. The post above about “get him a full work up” always pisses me off. I don’t have control over another adult, and even if he figured out what was wrong, he has to follow up to fix it (get testosterone or antidepressants, etc.). My DH has zero tenacity or initiative so even if I could get him to the initial appointment, there is a 0% chance of him following through.

Do what you have to do to stay married if that’s what you want. I feel not even one microscopic particle of guilt about what I’m doing. ZERO. And I will never be caught

I wrote the post above yours. My advice was not really about the checkup, but rather issuing an ultimatum such as if no progress is made within 6 months, the marriage is automatically considered open in a DADT way. Does that work better?

I agree with you that there seems to be a lot of asexual people replying above.

[Anonymous]

Why not tell him you recently found yourself toying with this idea and that it really scared you and felt like a wake up call that you need to work through this imbalance together.

If I was your adult child and found out you did this under these circumstances, I would never speak with you again. Just so you can consider including that in potential fallout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in your shoes, and I went for it, and it’s been great.

Keep in mind, the views on this site around cheating are pretty extreme.

The truth is that 60% of long term relationships face infidelity, so it’s not rare.

I don’t want to blow my whole life up, but my DH stopped wanting sex 3 years into our marriage when we were both in our 30s. I tried ALL the things. The post above about “get him a full work up” always pisses me off. I don’t have control over another adult, and even if he figured out what was wrong, he has to follow up to fix it (get testosterone or antidepressants, etc.). My DH has zero tenacity or initiative so even if I could get him to the initial appointment, there is a 0% chance of him following through.

Do what you have to do to stay married if that’s what you want. I feel not even one microscopic particle of guilt about what I’m doing. ZERO. And I will never be caught

I agree with you that there seems to be a lot of asexual people replying above.

I’m one of the PPs advising caution, but that’s because of the risk OP would be taking. I’m hardly asexual, and while my spouse and I haven’t always been at the same libido (mine seems to be a lot higher right now) and I’d be very tempted just like OP, I do think that being thoughtful about this makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So other than "trying to initiate" have you done nothing at all to:

Discuss this with him and ask him why he's not interested? And not take "I don't feel like it" as his final answer? "I try to initiate" is not a discussion, OP.

Get him a detailed medical checkup including testing his testosterone levels, blood sugar, thyroid etc. etc.? (Thyroid issues, pretty common as we age, can affect libido as it did in my own DH). Same goes for a depression screening. What is his job situation? What stresses is he under? Are your out-of-the-nest kids in college with tuition bills that worry him but not you? Do you know or care if there might be other factors at play, or are you just hornIy and when he says no, you start thinking about dreamy men on European business trips?

Address what it is in your marriage that is so obviously NOT "excellent"? If you cannot approach your own spouse to say you have a problem and want to work it out as a team, your marriage isn't excellent and you're fooling yourself. Leaping to cheating to "get your needs met" yet still pretending you nobly want to keep the marriage is bulls**t, OP.

Yeah, I'm being hard on you. Bleating about your great marriage, saying you want the marriage, but then preening yourself on your attractiveness and your easy opportunities to cheat -- you need to step back and see yourself the way you really are. You don't care enough about your DH to even wonder if he might have a medical issue, or be under stresses you haven't bothered to explore, or anything else. If you love him you will care about all of him, and whether he's in trouble that is showing up as lack of libido. But nope, you're all about you.

Well, first of all ouch. Maybe I deserve some of that but I think not all.
The issue is he really does not like to talk about feelings, never has. I have tried to discuss. And he staunchly maintains that he doesn’t lack desire. We’re talking about a change over the years from maybe once a week to twice a month to monthly, now more like every couple of months.
You say, “get him a detailed medical checkup.” He sees nothing wrong - I’ve suggested, but he’s not a dog I can take to the vet. Work is the same for us both as it’s been for ages - not a major stressor - we’re doing fine financially and tuition not a worry. We discuss work quite a lot, so I’d know.
Finally, it would not be a leap should I choose to do it. I’m really trying to think it through very carefully. I’ve never been unfaithful, never sought out other options. Just have been tempted in a way I have never been. And, didn’t mean to bleat or preen. Just trying to give context.

I think you should divorce and be done with it. It's nor fair to either party to be in this situation

[Anonymous]

OP why not ask him about it?

I don’t see anything wrong with people having affairs but it seems like something the spouse should know about.