Love DH but he’s low sex drive…considering a business trip affair

[Anonymous]

Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I have lots of questions.

Have you ever talked to DH about his lack of desire for you?
Have you ever discussed opening the marriage?
If you cheated on your DH and he found out, how would he react?
Are you ready to end the marriage if things go sour?
Is the other man married or single?
Is it someone you actually have to work with?
Do you think you can do something like this without getting emotionally entangled with the other man?

I was in your position, at a younger age, and this is what I had to consider. I did not go through with it although I am very attractive and the other man was very enthusiastic about me. Things with DH are better. It actually kind of revved him up a bit when he knew another man wanted me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

I have an asexual DH. No sex for 18 years. Therefore, I consider my sex life my business, and definitely not his. YMMV, especially if sex with your DH is rare as opposed to nonexistent.

[Anonymous]

So other than "trying to initiate" have you done nothing at all to:

Discuss this with him and ask him why he's not interested? And not take "I don't feel like it" as his final answer? "I try to initiate" is not a discussion, OP.

Get him a detailed medical checkup including testing his testosterone levels, blood sugar, thyroid etc. etc.? (Thyroid issues, pretty common as we age, can affect libido as it did in my own DH). Same goes for a depression screening. What is his job situation? What stresses is he under? Are your out-of-the-nest kids in college with tuition bills that worry him but not you? Do you know or care if there might be other factors at play, or are you just hornIy and when he says no, you start thinking about dreamy men on European business trips?

Address what it is in your marriage that is so obviously NOT "excellent"? If you cannot approach your own spouse to say you have a problem and want to work it out as a team, your marriage isn't excellent and you're fooling yourself. Leaping to cheating to "get your needs met" yet still pretending you nobly want to keep the marriage is bulls**t, OP.

Yeah, I'm being hard on you. Bleating about your great marriage, saying you want the marriage, but then preening yourself on your attractiveness and your easy opportunities to cheat -- you need to step back and see yourself the way you really are. You don't care enough about your DH to even wonder if he might have a medical issue, or be under stresses you haven't bothered to explore, or anything else. If you love him you will care about all of him, and whether he's in trouble that is showing up as lack of libido. But nope, you're all about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have lots of questions.

Have you ever talked to DH about his lack of desire for you? Yes. He’s not a big talker, though - makes him uncomfortable. Not a guy who’s going to therapy, either. Just not his thing.
Have you ever discussed opening the marriage? No. Think he’d freak out.
If you cheated on your DH and he found out, how would he react? Would be incredibly sad - hence have never considered it prior to now and only thinking about it now in this very specific context.
Are you ready to end the marriage if things go sour? No
Is the other man married or single? Married, living separately but does not want divorce (religious country…)
Is it someone you actually have to work with? No.
Do you think you can do something like this without getting emotionally entangled with the other man? Yes.

I was in your position, at a younger age, and this is what I had to consider. I did not go through with it although I am very attractive and the other man was very enthusiastic about me. Things with DH are better. It actually kind of revved him up a bit when he knew another man wanted me. Thank you so much for sharing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

I have an asexual DH. No sex for 18 years. Therefore, I consider my sex life my business, and definitely not his. YMMV, especially if sex with your DH is rare as opposed to nonexistent.

.

That’s a very good point. Rare is not non-existent, and I think the problem is that it’s enough for him but not for me… he never really has been high libido but it never really seemed like a big deal.

Sounds like you’re making your arrangement work!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So other than "trying to initiate" have you done nothing at all to:

Discuss this with him and ask him why he's not interested? And not take "I don't feel like it" as his final answer? "I try to initiate" is not a discussion, OP.

Get him a detailed medical checkup including testing his testosterone levels, blood sugar, thyroid etc. etc.? (Thyroid issues, pretty common as we age, can affect libido as it did in my own DH). Same goes for a depression screening. What is his job situation? What stresses is he under? Are your out-of-the-nest kids in college with tuition bills that worry him but not you? Do you know or care if there might be other factors at play, or are you just hornIy and when he says no, you start thinking about dreamy men on European business trips?

Address what it is in your marriage that is so obviously NOT "excellent"? If you cannot approach your own spouse to say you have a problem and want to work it out as a team, your marriage isn't excellent and you're fooling yourself. Leaping to cheating to "get your needs met" yet still pretending you nobly want to keep the marriage is bulls**t, OP.

Yeah, I'm being hard on you. Bleating about your great marriage, saying you want the marriage, but then preening yourself on your attractiveness and your easy opportunities to cheat -- you need to step back and see yourself the way you really are. You don't care enough about your DH to even wonder if he might have a medical issue, or be under stresses you haven't bothered to explore, or anything else. If you love him you will care about all of him, and whether he's in trouble that is showing up as lack of libido. But nope, you're all about you.

Well, first of all ouch. Maybe I deserve some of that but I think not all.
The issue is he really does not like to talk about feelings, never has. I have tried to discuss. And he staunchly maintains that he doesn’t lack desire. We’re talking about a change over the years from maybe once a week to twice a month to monthly, now more like every couple of months.
You say, “get him a detailed medical checkup.” He sees nothing wrong - I’ve suggested, but he’s not a dog I can take to the vet. Work is the same for us both as it’s been for ages - not a major stressor - we’re doing fine financially and tuition not a worry. We discuss work quite a lot, so I’d know.
Finally, it would not be a leap should I choose to do it. I’m really trying to think it through very carefully. I’ve never been unfaithful, never sought out other options. Just have been tempted in a way I have never been. And, didn’t mean to bleat or preen. Just trying to give context.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP.

If you went through with this, how would DH react if he found out?

Is there a way you could train him, or condition him, to be more open to you doing this, without outright saying it? Maybe, over time, you could make him see it more your way, and at least be open to a “don’t ask don’t tell” situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP.

If you went through with this, how would DH react if he found out?

Is there a way you could train him, or condition him, to be more open to you doing this, without outright saying it? Maybe, over time, you could make him see it more your way, and at least be open to a “don’t ask don’t tell” situation?

That’s an interesting idea, thank you. I think something blunt like “how about an open marriage” would be too scary and get rejected - that’s actually one talk we have never had. But maybe easing into it. I would (clearly) be OK with a DADT, although as another recent thread notes, you run the risk of one of the 4+ participants getting too emotionally involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP.

If you went through with this, how would DH react if he found out?

Is there a way you could train him, or condition him, to be more open to you doing this, without outright saying it? Maybe, over time, you could make him see it more your way, and at least be open to a “don’t ask don’t tell” situation?

That’s an interesting idea, thank you. I think something blunt like “how about an open marriage” would be too scary and get rejected - that’s actually one talk we have never had. But maybe easing into it. I would (clearly) be OK with a DADT, although as another recent thread notes, you run the risk of one of the 4+ participants getting too emotionally involved.

Sorry and to your first question - he’d be terribly sad and hurt, hence why I’m trying to think through all the angles.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, what happens if you go the dadt route and he starts wants to start sleeping with other people and turns out that he's keeping busier that you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, what happens if you go the dadt route and he starts wants to start sleeping with other people and turns out that he's keeping busier that you.

Well, there’s that!! Guess it would serve me right! Wish it could be simple, like a far-off occasional partner for each of us, leaving the current good home life (not bleating!) unaffected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have lots of questions.

Have you ever talked to DH about his lack of desire for you? Yes. He’s not a big talker, though - makes him uncomfortable. Not a guy who’s going to therapy, either. Just not his thing.
Have you ever discussed opening the marriage? No. Think he’d freak out.
If you cheated on your DH and he found out, how would he react? Would be incredibly sad - hence have never considered it prior to now and only thinking about it now in this very specific context.
Are you ready to end the marriage if things go sour? No
Is the other man married or single? Married, living separately but does not want divorce (religious country…)
Is it someone you actually have to work with? No.
Do you think you can do something like this without getting emotionally entangled with the other man? Yes.

I was in your position, at a younger age, and this is what I had to consider. I did not go through with it although I am very attractive and the other man was very enthusiastic about me. Things with DH are better. It actually kind of revved him up a bit when he knew another man wanted me. Thank you so much for sharing!

I don’t think you can do something like have an affair unless you are prepared for all of the potential consequences, including ending the marriage. You say this would really hurt your husband and you care about that so I don’t recommend it.

Also if you are looking for a partner try to find someone single. Don’t get mixed up in someone else’s marriage, it’s trashy.

You might be surprised, my husband grew up in a very conservative culture and told me if I had to have sex with another man to get it was fine with him. It turned him on which I didn’t expect. And I didn’t have to lie. In the end I didn’t go through with anything.

I think you should force the issue of therapy and couples counseling. If you truly have a good marriage then your husband will try it for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So other than "trying to initiate" have you done nothing at all to:

Discuss this with him and ask him why he's not interested? And not take "I don't feel like it" as his final answer? "I try to initiate" is not a discussion, OP.

Get him a detailed medical checkup including testing his testosterone levels, blood sugar, thyroid etc. etc.? (Thyroid issues, pretty common as we age, can affect libido as it did in my own DH). Same goes for a depression screening. What is his job situation? What stresses is he under? Are your out-of-the-nest kids in college with tuition bills that worry him but not you? Do you know or care if there might be other factors at play, or are you just hornIy and when he says no, you start thinking about dreamy men on European business trips?

Address what it is in your marriage that is so obviously NOT "excellent"? If you cannot approach your own spouse to say you have a problem and want to work it out as a team, your marriage isn't excellent and you're fooling yourself. Leaping to cheating to "get your needs met" yet still pretending you nobly want to keep the marriage is bulls**t, OP.

Yeah, I'm being hard on you. Bleating about your great marriage, saying you want the marriage, but then preening yourself on your attractiveness and your easy opportunities to cheat -- you need to step back and see yourself the way you really are. You don't care enough about your DH to even wonder if he might have a medical issue, or be under stresses you haven't bothered to explore, or anything else. If you love him you will care about all of him, and whether he's in trouble that is showing up as lack of libido. But nope, you're all about you.

Off topic, but I feel like I recognize you from your other posts. I imagine you as someone with a lot of anger. That you direct outward to prevent yourself from feeling sad or lonely. I am fascinated by how much energy you spend telling strangers off. I wonder what this is feeding for you. I wonder if your judgmental behavior has alienated other people from you. I respect your strong personality but I also feel a little scared by how sure you are that you’re right. I wonder if you realize that what you see is a projection of your own wishes and fears.

[Anonymous]

Don’t risk bringing him disease when he has not consented to a non monogamous relationship. Talk to him OP.