Love DH but he’s low sex drive…considering a business trip affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think the bigger issue is that you are married to an alcoholic. He may be fairly high functioning at this point, but it is unlikely that he will stay that way.

I think this may be what you are trying to avoid facing, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

I would ask God to relieve me of the sex demon determined to ruin my marriage and I'd quit acting like a trashy ho but that's me. You go ahead and let your wandering vagina get you divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

I would ask God to relieve me of the sex demon determined to ruin my marriage and I'd quit acting like a trashy ho but that's me. You go ahead and let your wandering vagina get you divorced.

http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/church-chat/n9565

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad cheated on my mom 28 years into marriage. They divorced and I lost so much respect for my dad. I've kept him at arms length at best and totally gone no contact with him for periods up to 5 months at worst. I also severely limit his contact with my kids. I frankly think he's a coward.

My xDh cheated on a business trip and the person turned bunny boiler immediately. She reached out to me and told me everything, we divorced, we lost half of our time with our kids, put the entire family (extended included) through hell, obliterated our finances, kids are in therapy, friends chose sides, a lot of his best friends ghosted him, he left his job and had to get 2 jobs, he lost our dog in the process, he lost himself and his self worth.

Counterpoint: My dad cheated on my mom after approximately the same length of marriage. They stayed together and even though I hated my dad for several months, I got over it. Their marriage was miserable anyway. Both of my parents see my kids very often and have a great relationship with their grandkids. I don't have a huge amount of respect for either of them for various reasons, but they're good grandparents. I'm a woman too.

[Anonymous]

So the so-called ethical non monogomy does come up as an idea. Thing is, what’s the right way?

There generally isn’t one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

I have an asexual DH. No sex for 18 years. Therefore, I consider my sex life my business, and definitely not his. YMMV, especially if sex with your DH is rare as opposed to nonexistent.

Another wife with a husband who hasn't wanted sex in about eight years - how does that work in practice?

So strange. I have never been with a man (no matter how long we were together--husband 25 years) who wouldn't do it daily. They are ready 'to go' anytime.

I’m a male in my 50s. I don’t want it every day. I think your DH is the exception rather than the rule if he’s middle aged.

Male in my late 40s. I agree with this. I think a lot of people who say that they could do it every day, or even X times per day, really either (a) mean simply that they could do it, and not that they are going nuts wanting it, and/or (b) don't know that to be true because they are in a much less frequent situation.

Guy in mid-50s. I attempt 4x a week to get to 1-2x a week. If my success rate drops I’d absolutely be at an every-day cadence from her point of view even if I’m happy with the 1-2x.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

I have an asexual DH. No sex for 18 years. Therefore, I consider my sex life my business, and definitely not his. YMMV, especially if sex with your DH is rare as opposed to nonexistent.

Another wife with a husband who hasn't wanted sex in about eight years - how does that work in practice?

I am floored.

These men need to do their duty. A healthy marriage includes regular sex. Eight years??!?

And we all vowed “through sickness and good health; for better or worse.” It doesn’t matter about how your wife has aged; weight; childbirth - men should always WANT sex, but if not, they just need to man-up and be husbands, including doing their job in the bedroom.

Interesting perspective. Does this also hold true if you reverse the genders?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t risk bringing him disease when he has not consented to a non monogamous relationship. Talk to him OP.

How is it possible? Married people often have no sex.

I am not OP but wife falls asleep at 9 pm every night good luck ever having sex with her. She gained 50 pounds since marriage and snores. And usually complains 99 percent of her awake time. I would take some on the side and not feel guilty

[Anonymous]

I mean I don't really understand the issue. You've been married for 25 years, your kids have launched, you have no financial troubles. You are fond of each other but have no interest in sex. Well dear no one person can fulfill every wish you have. You're a prime candidate for a very civilized arrangement where your marriage (social standing, friendship, financial ties, camaraderie etc.) is protected but you have a bit of fun when the itch needs to be scratched. I'm not American so perhaps I see it differently. I would consider it only a mild irritation if my husband had a diversion. I would certainly not hesitate to help myself to something fun if the circumstances were right.

I mean come on. You are well past the point where you can legitimately say, my sex life is my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I am floored.

These men need to do their duty. A healthy marriage includes regular sex. Eight years??!?

And we all vowed “through sickness and good health; for better or worse.” It doesn’t matter about how your wife has aged; weight; childbirth - men should always WANT sex, but if not, they just need to man-up and be husbands, including doing their job in the bedroom.

No one has yet figured out how to command an unwilling penis, or how to transform a low-libido person into a high-libido one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t risk bringing him disease when he has not consented to a non monogamous relationship. Talk to him OP.

How is it possible? Married people often have no sex.

I am not OP but wife falls asleep at 9 pm every night good luck ever having sex with her. She gained 50 pounds since marriage and snores. And usually complains 99 percent of her awake time. I would take some on the side and not feel guilty

Excessive sleep.
Weight gain.
Snoring.

All, individually but certainly as a set, can indicate serious underlying health issues. But you've never stopped and thought: "This person I loved enough to marry has changed in ways that could mean she is sick, and I should help her seek medical advice"? Nope, you only hear the complaints and think about sex you're not getting. When someone undergoes negative changes, it's your cue to act like a spouse who gives a s**t about the human you supposedly care about AS a human, and see that there might be a bigger picture than just your own woe-is-me, she's not hot! problem. But like so many people, you'd rather shrug and just go bang a new model.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

Have one. he likely won't care. Most men of the 2020s aren't really into sex anymore, sex drives are diminishing in men. It's the '20s a new world...

Interesting perspective. Though most of the men on this thread seem pretty into it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

I would go to a sex therapist first.

The thing is OP, you have two bad options here. One is not having the kind of sex you want and need. The other is hurting your very loving husband and in so doing not holding up your values.

Is there a third option? I think so. Getting someone to mediate the conversation wil help. Getting a therapist to help you clarify your goals. You feel as if you aren’t getting what you need. Maybe the connection to your husband is going though a dry spell?

I love this idea but it’s a non-starter with DH.

No, you don't want to "rock the boat" by being honest with him about how you really feel about the lack of sex in the relationship.

If you were honest with him about how this makes you want to stray, and the only way forward together to resolve it with integrity is counseling, he would have to consider things.

You want everything. You want your marriage to be "good" i.e. continue with the superficially non-conflictual companionship and camaraderie. You also want to take a lover on the side. I think you understand that by wanting this, you are avoiding the fact that you have to choose and both options are bad. Your other option is to level with him and go to counseling to figure this out together. But YOU don't want to put the ultimatum and be honest, because that would mean the end of what you value in your relationship. I.e. a situation that doesn't require much out of you.

Again, in the same way I can’t insist he see a doctor, I can’t insist he join me for counseling or therapy. I have tried! Hard to say which he doesn’t want to do more. But I see your point - you see it as a choice that must be made, work on it or leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, does your conscience prick you at all about potentially blowing up someone else’s family? Doing this your own doesn’t seem to be a deterrent, but the other guy has a wife and kids. Frankly, it sounds like you want the endorphin rush and are rewriting history a bit to justify it. What concrete actions have you taken with respect to your DH yo address your issues - or did this become a bigger issue when you met someone else who turned you on? I don’t see how the “once or twice a year” with the other guy would make your life so much better that it’s worth what you are risking (your marriage, your self-respect, your kids’ respect, your family life, etc.) but do your own risk calculation. Seems like if it’s only once or twice a year it’s really just about the excitement and self-gratification, not really a substitute for a low sex marriage. Be honest with yourself.

So Mr Take-me-now does not have a family in that sense - he’s a bit older, one grown child and a wife living in another country. He could be lying of course but his view is that it’s a civilized arrangement for two people who don’t want to be together but don’t want to divorce for religious reasons. And yes, I think you’re right - it would be excitement and self indulgence once in a while. I don’t want to leave the marriage, not at all. But as I keep telling PPs, I also don’t think it’s possible to change the situation as DH is perfectly content with our life as it is (and yes, I have asked). Some people, I think it’s fair to say, simply are lower sex drive and probably aging can make it lower still.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

You should have started with "Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me..."

LOL!! Yeah, but unlike Penthouse this forum isn’t supposed to get explicit! - OP