Love DH but he’s low sex drive…considering a business trip affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

I have an asexual DH. No sex for 18 years. Therefore, I consider my sex life my business, and definitely not his. YMMV, especially if sex with your DH is rare as opposed to nonexistent.

Another wife with a husband who hasn't wanted sex in about eight years - how does that work in practice?

I am floored.

These men need to do their duty. A healthy marriage includes regular sex. Eight years??!?

And we all vowed “through sickness and good health; for better or worse.” It doesn’t matter about how your wife has aged; weight; childbirth - men should always WANT sex, but if not, they just need to man-up and be husbands, including doing their job in the bedroom.

I'm a 47-year-old man and I agree. The only "duty" that I have is to get her in the mood that I'm in already.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think the bigger issue is that you are married to an alcoholic. He may be fairly high functioning at this point, but it is unlikely that he will stay that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

I have an asexual DH. No sex for 18 years. Therefore, I consider my sex life my business, and definitely not his. YMMV, especially if sex with your DH is rare as opposed to nonexistent.

Another wife with a husband who hasn't wanted sex in about eight years - how does that work in practice?

So strange. I have never been with a man (no matter how long we were together--husband 25 years) who wouldn't do it daily. They are ready 'to go' anytime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

I have an asexual DH. No sex for 18 years. Therefore, I consider my sex life my business, and definitely not his. YMMV, especially if sex with your DH is rare as opposed to nonexistent.

Another wife with a husband who hasn't wanted sex in about eight years - how does that work in practice?

I am floored.

These men need to do their duty. A healthy marriage includes regular sex. Eight years??!?

And we all vowed “through sickness and good health; for better or worse.” It doesn’t matter about how your wife has aged; weight; childbirth - men should always WANT sex, but if not, they just need to man-up and be husbands, including doing their job in the bedroom.

I'm a 47-year-old man and I agree. The only "duty" that I have is to get her in the mood that I'm in already.

Well that's great - and I guess now you know it's not a universal experience. Shocking!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of posts advising you to do the upstanding thing... But here in the real world, I advise you to go for it. Especially given the setup here. This would happen out of town, a couple times a year; you don't work with him. It's pretty ideal.

But -- BUT -- you have to commit to no contact with this guy in between travel. If you think you might get addicted to feeling desired, and then start texting, flirting, sending pics, then it becomes like 98% sure that it will end very badly, most likely your DH finding out. Not worth it in that case. But if you just want a sweaty passionate exciting couple of hours, go for it.

OP here. Thank you. Unsurprisingly, I was hoping to hear this side of the issue as well. I am sobered by your reference to no contact between travel though. I guess end-to-end encryption is not the be-all and end-all. Probably more to the point it would foster more emotional entanglement…!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would your kids think when they found out about the cheating?

Really would want to avoid that! It does seem to be on a lot of folks’ minds here though - to me, the possibility of being found out given the limited nature of the contact (and that it would be out of the country), seems pretty slim. But maybe I am being naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

I would go to a sex therapist first.

The thing is OP, you have two bad options here. One is not having the kind of sex you want and need. The other is hurting your very loving husband and in so doing not holding up your values.

Is there a third option? I think so. Getting someone to mediate the conversation wil help. Getting a therapist to help you clarify your goals. You feel as if you aren’t getting what you need. Maybe the connection to your husband is going though a dry spell?

I love this idea but it’s a non-starter with DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have an excellent marriage if you aren’t having sex. Sex is incredibly important in a marriage.

Well once in a while is not never. And it’s good when it happens. But DH is 6yrs older, and for him that seems to be enough…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

Allow him to knock the dust off that p@$$y!

LMAO (from OP). Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, wondering if it’s just the sex you crave or more intimacy in general. If the latter, schedule intimacy once a week. It doesn’t need to lead to sex, so if DH is dealing with ED issues you can just have time where you’re touching, make it more about pleasure and less about the end destination. Add some toys, mix it up

This is a really good point and excellent suggestion. Hadn’t thought of toys - ok, freely admitting we’ve always been on the conservative end of the spectrum - but now I’m interested!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad cheated on my mom 28 years into marriage. They divorced and I lost so much respect for my dad. I've kept him at arms length at best and totally gone no contact with him for periods up to 5 months at worst. I also severely limit his contact with my kids. I frankly think he's a coward.

My xDh cheated on a business trip and the person turned bunny boiler immediately. She reached out to me and told me everything, we divorced, we lost half of our time with our kids, put the entire family (extended included) through hell, obliterated our finances, kids are in therapy, friends chose sides, a lot of his best friends ghosted him, he left his job and had to get 2 jobs, he lost our dog in the process, he lost himself and his self worth.

OMG! I hadn’t thought about the bunny boiler element. I wouldn’t think Mr X would go there, as it would blow him up as well. But you’re right to raise the risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you be ok if he’s already cheating on you?

Oh dear. Not out of the realm of possibility, and could I suppose explain the lower interest at home. Just seems so unlikely!
I think I would be OK provided I could do the same in a DADT kind of way…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think the bigger issue is that you are married to an alcoholic. He may be fairly high functioning at this point, but it is unlikely that he will stay that way.

Well, yes. That is a bigger issue and another one that is too emotionally fraught to tackle (ie DH simply doesn’t acknowledge). But super high functioning, indeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

I have an asexual DH. No sex for 18 years. Therefore, I consider my sex life my business, and definitely not his. YMMV, especially if sex with your DH is rare as opposed to nonexistent.

Another wife with a husband who hasn't wanted sex in about eight years - how does that work in practice?

So strange. I have never been with a man (no matter how long we were together--husband 25 years) who wouldn't do it daily. They are ready 'to go' anytime.

Dang! Had that with men in 20s/30s but you’re exceptionally lucky from my POV to have that at 25 years in…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Excellent 25-year marriage, great kids, all left the nest. DH has never been super high libido but now just not that into it, drinks a fair bit in the evenings which I think that saps desire as well. Best of husbands in all other respects. I’ve tried hard to keep in shape, pay attention to grooming etc. I do try to initiate but it’s rarely successful. Am moderately, conventionally pretty so do get some asks, especially in Mediterranean countries where guys seem more open about their interest but have never acted on it. Traveling more now on business, and recently met someone at a work dinner (!) who has me incredibly stirred up, I mean - it was super hard for me to turn down the charming and subtle pass, when what I really wanted to say was OMG put your hands on me! Love DH and want to stay in the marriage, but he’s not going to change at this point. Am sorely tempted. Would be a once-or-twice a year deal at most. WWYD?

Have one. he likely won't care. Most men of the 2020s aren't really into sex anymore, sex drives are diminishing in men. It's the '20s a new world...