WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Blended family blunder. My brother remarried to a woman with children. His own children do not accept his new family, his ex chose to stay out of it. Holidays are coming, our parents always gather kids and grandkids at Thanksgiving. His kids said "we are not coming if Dad's new family are there". We don't feel one way or the other about his new wife or her kids but it is all around awkward.

WWYD? Do we tell him "dear brother, please come but do not bring your wife and stepkids"? We do, however, want to see our nieces and nephew.

This is between your parents and your brother.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people seem to be siding with the new wife and family. I agree with others who say there is more to the story that the adult kids maintain such a strong opinion about the new wife. However, I also think that OPs parents cannot exclude their son and his new family if they don’t have issues with him. So they can issue the invite to all, be clear to everyone about who may or may not be coming, then people can make their choices. If the adult children opt not to come for dinner, hopefully they can arrange a separate time to visit with their grandparents and OP.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is "right", but:

If the gathering is you, your children, your parents and your nieces and nephews - the new wife and her children aren't really of the same "family". They can gather with her family, also the family of the step kids.

I think when you break apart a family you have to prepare for such things. So I guess I'd rather have the nieces and nephews present, than the brother + new wife + new fam.

The grandparents are hosting their kids (including the dad in this story) and their grandkids (the college boys in this story). You can’t really think they’re going to say their son isn’t welcome because he got divorced 5 years ago and his college aged kids don’t want his new wife there. Merry Christmas?

I think you could actually. Or host them separately. But new wife+children don't need to crash the rest of the family gathering.

What I wouldn't agree with is saying brother/son can come, but you must leave your wife+new kids at home. So I think do a big gathering with the rest of the family, and then they can come over another time.

A wife and kids aren’t “crashing the family gathering.” I married a man as a single mom: if his family excluded me based on the notion that we’re not *really* family I would be heartbroken and reconsider my marriage. That is not at all normal.

This is where my close friend is at right now. She married someone who had been previously married - they met over 5 years after the divorce. The mom of her husband's adult kids has been cohabitating with her boyfriend for many years. Still, the older kids have shunned her, and as a result, so his the rest of his family, to a lesser degree. She told me she feels like a mistress that can't be a part of his family even though they have young children together. She's been in a lot of therapy to try to deal and she's finally getting divorced over it. She is a ghost of the person I knew before all of this, and I hope after she's through the worst of it, my once vibrant, bubbly, happy friend comes back.

Why on earth did she marry into this situation?

Did you ever think maybe they do have their reasons? If the entire family is shunning her, there might be more going on. I know it's hard to imagine that about your friend, but sometimes there are things you don't know about.

OP says they met five years after the divorce. Not every second wife is an affair partner . You can’t pretzel your way into assuming she is. (NP)

No, OP said the "painful" divorce was 5 years ago, not that they met 5 years after the divorce. She hasn't yet stated if new wife was an affair partner who broke up their family after (presumably) 20+ years.

You’re right, I was mixing up OP with a different poster who posted about her friend.

[Anonymous]

Nope - OP should not invite her brother and his family. She can let him know that of course he is welcome but she can’t host his new family at this time, she understands he will need to spend it with his wife and her/their (can’t tell if they are step or young kids) kids.

Here’s why …the drama between the dumped original kids and the do over kids is always a mess. DH’s father and his siblings all had divorces and second families. There is one expansive set of original cousins and one expansive set of do over cousins. As an observer its pretty clear that the originals are still hurt years later getting dumped by one parent and then seeing them dote on the do over kids.

Step kids are even weirder. The original kids are seeing their dad’s time and resources go to some other women’s kids.

Holidays are stressful enough don’t invite the clown car over and not expect a circus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope - OP should not invite her brother and his family. She can let him know that of course he is welcome but she can’t host his new family at this time, she understands he will need to spend it with his wife and her/their (can’t tell if they are step or young kids) kids.

Here’s why …the drama between the dumped original kids and the do over kids is always a mess. DH’s father and his siblings all had divorces and second families. There is one expansive set of original cousins and one expansive set of do over cousins. As an observer its pretty clear that the originals are still hurt years later getting dumped by one parent and then seeing them dote on the do over kids.

Step kids are even weirder. The original kids are seeing their dad’s time and resources go to some other women’s kids.

Holidays are stressful enough don’t invite the clown car over and not expect a circus.

Sounds like your husbands family is a total
Mess. Even thinking about kids as “dumped kids” and “do over kids” is pretty hurtful. If divorced adults act like adults, no kids should be referred to as “dumped kids”. Because kids don’t get dumped in a divorce, under normal circumstances!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope - OP should not invite her brother and his family. She can let him know that of course he is welcome but she can’t host his new family at this time, she understands he will need to spend it with his wife and her/their (can’t tell if they are step or young kids) kids.

Here’s why …the drama between the dumped original kids and the do over kids is always a mess. DH’s father and his siblings all had divorces and second families. There is one expansive set of original cousins and one expansive set of do over cousins. As an observer its pretty clear that the originals are still hurt years later getting dumped by one parent and then seeing them dote on the do over kids.

Step kids are even weirder. The original kids are seeing their dad’s time and resources go to some other women’s kids.

Holidays are stressful enough don’t invite the clown car over and not expect a circus.

The "clown" is her brother. I want to see where you're coming from, but I simply can't imagine inviting my brother's kids and not my brother to a family event, short of finding out my brother abused them. But, I actually love my brother.

[Anonymous]

Kids need to grow up. They can make their own decision about whether to attend or not but of course brother, wife and step kids get invited.

(Although this sounds like your parent’s event so you should stay out of it.)

[Anonymous]

I don't get involved in family feuds. (It might be different if there's something criminal going on.)

If I were your parents, I'd invite everyone and let each individual decide whether or not to come. They can always visit separately if the adult children don't attend (though honestly in some families it's challenging to guarantee attendance of young adults regardless of whether they're feuding with someone).

[Anonymous]

You consult the ex-SIL on the matter.

[Anonymous]

Invite everybody. Presumably the kids also will get an invite from their mom / mom's side of the family and can opt to go there instead, if they don't want to be with their dad's new family?

I think it's completely unreasonable to cater to these adult children by telling their father that he can't bring his wife to Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the step-kids won't come. One thing that sucks about being an ACOD is the pressure to spend your holidays with people you aren't actually related to and don't care about. Everyone knows if the married couple split up, they'd never see each other again. Divorced people shouldn't expect everyone else to cater to them like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope - OP should not invite her brother and his family. She can let him know that of course he is welcome but she can’t host his new family at this time, she understands he will need to spend it with his wife and her/their (can’t tell if they are step or young kids) kids.

Here’s why …the drama between the dumped original kids and the do over kids is always a mess. DH’s father and his siblings all had divorces and second families. There is one expansive set of original cousins and one expansive set of do over cousins. As an observer its pretty clear that the originals are still hurt years later getting dumped by one parent and then seeing them dote on the do over kids.

Step kids are even weirder. The original kids are seeing their dad’s time and resources go to some other women’s kids.

Holidays are stressful enough don’t invite the clown car over and not expect a circus.

The "clown" is her brother. I want to see where you're coming from, but I simply can't imagine inviting my brother's kids and not my brother to a family event, short of finding out my brother abused them. But, I actually love my brother.

It's nice for you that you get to feel that way. But I'm a person who does this, and I do it because my brother can't get through even a half-day holiday gathering without getting drunk and ornery. Maybe consider there are lots of reasons people do things differently than you. Enjoy your nice functional family, but don't judge those of us who aren't so fortunate. We have our reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At those ages I would invite them to spend time with you during vacations/school breaks/holidays. Encourage your kids to reach out to their cousins independent of you.

Oh my kids are good cousins to them, they all hang out. There's a cousins chat, that's how we all found out "If Dad is coming with SD, count us out". We (myself and 2 other siblings) also visit/ed them in college, sent care packages.

Well, it sounds like they're just planning not to attend. If they haven't actually asked your family to formally disinvite anyone, they haven't done anything wrong. They just don't want to come, and they have the right to do that.

Don't read people's chats if you don't want to know these kinds of things.

[Anonymous]

I would invite everyone. I would let nephews know that you understand if they do not want to come and would be happy to see them at another time...but you are not excluding anyone.

[Anonymous]

Invite everyone and let the adult kids figure themselves out.

My parents are divorced and both are re-coupled. We were pretty mean to the new partners who came on the scene about 5 years later. I was 18/19/20 age range during that time. I didn't want MORE parents involved in the mess, and having someone new always hanging around when I just wanted to see my mom or dad. Thankfully, my parents got it and would balance time with just us, and then time with the new partners/new step-siblings. It took awhile to find a good balance. What we had going for us was that while we might have had some feelings about it, we all wanted to make it work. Those first few holidays that involved weirdo step-siblings were annoying to me. But I would spend time with my mom or dad outside of that, so I learned to deal.

In the long run it made me more flexible about what I wanted out of the holidays. Now I don't blink an eye when some wayward family member of some step-person shows up. I do know how to avoid sitting next to them at a big table though .

I don't know what your brother has done to try to fix this, but he needs to work on it. #1: spending lots of time with his kids WITHOUT the new family. And then slowly adding in time with the new family, at non-holiday/important times. Allow lots of grace, lots of room, and tell him to apply lots of love, while not being a complete doormat. Step-mom needs to calm down and stop sending kissing b*tt to try to win them over. See them as young adults, not your children.