That awkward moment when you realize you don't qualify as family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is sad, OP. Your MIL is thoughtless and unkind but more importantly short-sighted. I would take a nice long break from this woman. If she asks why, I would remind her that per her own view, you aren’t family and therefore aren’t going to be attending all the family gatherings, buying her gifts, cards, or coordinating get togethers. Natural consequences. But I’m petty like that. When you have children, I would 100% prioritize my own family over her, since she’s now not family. Let the chips fall where they may.

DP. I agree with everything you say EXCEPT your characterization of this course of action as petty. IMO natural consequences are never petty. OP isn’t trying to pull a gotcha or throw anything in MIL’s face or twist her words. It’s not a game - MIL told OP how she feels, and that’s on her. Plus, quite frankly, I think this also falls into one of those “can’t unring a bell” incidents. It wasn’t a faux pas or a foot in the mouth. OP plainly told DIL that she is NOT her family. So yes, OP should forget MIL and prioritize her own family. Not to be petty, but just in deference to reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That was rude, she was wrong, I understand why you are upset.

Also, if she's been a good MIL and you have had a good relationship up until now, for five years, do you really think all that should be out the window because of pie?

You might make a mistake one day, think about that.

The point is that that was all a lie. It was not actually a good relationship, OP just thought it was.

[Anonymous]

I'm not a cook but I have noticed some cooks are recipe nazis. They really seem to get some kind of self esteem from hoarding them. So in this case I think it actually IS about the recipe and the rules around which she shares them.

Having said that, DH is her naturally born son, correct- not adopted? Is there a reason he can't ask for the damn recipe if it's that sh!t-hot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet your DH has confided in her that he plans to divorce you soon. And he is “furious” that she almost spilled the beans…

WTF!! My DH and I have a great marriage why would you think this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not a cook but I have noticed some cooks are recipe nazis. They really seem to get some kind of self esteem from hoarding them. So in this case I think it actually IS about the recipe and the rules around which she shares them.

Having said that, DH is her naturally born son, correct- not adopted? Is there a reason he can't ask for the damn recipe if it's that sh!t-hot?

Right! But she said it's family only. A DIL should qualify as family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s just pie! Who cares.

Please you can't be this dense. It's deeper than just pie. It's about my mil clearly doesn't view me as family.

Ok say it is just pie than my MIL's relationship with me is less important than "just pie" so doesn't that just prove my point in that I'm correct in being hurt.

OP, I think you're letting your hurt over this whole family-not-family thing cloud your judgement. You complained that MIL views you as "less than" or "second tier" family. Is that not, simply, logical? You are by definition both less than and second tier compared to people she birthed and direct descendants. I'm not a mother and even I can see that nothing can trump the feeling a mother has for her children. You being second to them is simply biology.

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. You being less important than her direct family doesn't make you not important. This all-or-nothing attitude isn't the way to go.

Her behavior about the pie is ridiculous, but you're reaction to it is not proportional.

But even less than a niece who she didn't birth and doesn't spend time with or see nearly as often? This isn't like she is sharing strictly with her children this is every female family member from the sounds of it but me because I'm just a "married in." I thought she viewed me as family being we have our own relationship in terms of texts and phone calls we hangout together individually for shopping and lunches. So I'm close enough for all that and to attend family gatherings that only she, her spouse, and children (not her nieces) attend but I can't have access to a damn recipe?

I disagree she said it's a family recipe and she didn't wanna give it to me ergo I'm not family. Which shows the great relationship we had wasn't all that great otherwise she wouldn't be putting a recipe above my feelings as a human and as her DIL. She has to know given our relationship that would be hurtful.

So since she said I'm not family aren't I allowed to proceed accordingly? Not attend family functions or text/call her individually, or hangout with her individually?

Life is short shouldn't I spend time with people who value me at least more than a damn recipe? I'm gonna focus my energy towards those who don't say hurtful things to me. Like I mentioned up thread MIL exposed her true feelings towards me. I'm simply her son's wife not family so I can proceed accordingly. It allows more open space on my social calendar for my side of the family, my friends, me time, and time for other things I want to do.

If she asks my husband where I am he can say oh she was under the impression this is a family event and you said it yourself mom she isn't family. Or even better yet you told her only blood family matters so she figured she would graciously give you that time alone with your blood family and she is spending time with her blood family.

[Anonymous]

I'm a PP who had urged a forgiving stance. You're getting more hysterical with each reply. Step away from the internet for your own sanity.

[Anonymous]

Trolly troll troll

[Anonymous]

Just stop, OP. You're being really immature and acting completely unstable.

[Anonymous]

A very dramatic troll attempt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s just pie! Who cares.

Please you can't be this dense. It's deeper than just pie. It's about my mil clearly doesn't view me as family.

Ok say it is just pie than my MIL's relationship with me is less important than "just pie" so doesn't that just prove my point in that I'm correct in being hurt.

OP, I think you're letting your hurt over this whole family-not-family thing cloud your judgement. You complained that MIL views you as "less than" or "second tier" family. Is that not, simply, logical? You are by definition both less than and second tier compared to people she birthed and direct descendants. I'm not a mother and even I can see that nothing can trump the feeling a mother has for her children. You being second to them is simply biology.

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. You being less important than her direct family doesn't make you not important. This all-or-nothing attitude isn't the way to go.

Her behavior about the pie is ridiculous, but you're reaction to it is not proportional.

I also wanted to add this narrative that you have created that being blood or a direct descendant automatically should mean more than any other relationship in the world is simply false. It should be about the personal relationship you have with that person not how much DNA you share with someone.

I know my MIL is certainly closer to me and spends more time talking and with me than her nieces. She barely mentions them. Her nieces aren't the ones at the intimate family gatherings that we have, her nieces aren't gonna help her son with her eldercare, her nieces won't possibly be the mother to her grandchildren one day, her nieces didn't send her a mother's day gift. I have been to every freaking small family gathering they had, I was in the front row with the immediate family when my MIL's mother passed away. No I'm not blood or a direct descendant but I was there through the things that truly matter blood or not. Technically a cousin or any other distant relative is blood does that mean that even her relatives she hasn't seen in years should automatically be placed higher or seen as more important than me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just stop, OP. You're being really immature and acting completely unstable.

And boarding a pie recipe isn't immature? How am I being immature and completely unstable? A lot of PPs agree with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just stop, OP. You're being really immature and acting completely unstable.

And boarding a pie recipe isn't immature? How am I being immature and completely unstable? A lot of PPs agree with me.

hoarding*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just stop, OP. You're being really immature and acting completely unstable.

And boarding a pie recipe isn't immature? How am I being immature and completely unstable? A lot of PPs agree with me.

Those other PPs are you, sock puppeting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a PP who had urged a forgiving stance. You're getting more hysterical with each reply. Step away from the internet for your own sanity.

I'm very hurt and I'm only getting hystericl because people are attacking me