That awkward moment when you realize you don't qualify as family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update here: I decided to take the advice that a lot of PPs gave and I reached out and texted my MIL and said, "hey there has been something weighing on my mind for the past few days now that you said regarding the family recipe I asked for and I wanted to address it with you since I figured being up front and honest with you is the best approach, would you prefer we discuss it over the phone, text, or in person?" My mil got back to me within less than 5 minutes and said in person will work because she has an idea what this is about. Which I feel even shittier about because if she has an idea why I want to talk to her why did she not follow up with me or address my response on the phone? We are going to meet next Saturday for lunch.

Why do you assume that's negative? It sounds like she is eager to talk and repair the relationship. Now whether what she says satisfies you is up to you. And honestly it sounds like no matter what she says, you will twist it to justify your decision to keep her at arms-length forever. I get that you are deeply hurt but you are very unforgiving, OP. What are you going to do some day when you make a mistake and someone holds it against you forever? You seem extremely rigid, unable to see anything except in the light you paint it.

No one's perfect. This is life. It's messy. You've referred to kids - I don't know anyone who has kids who at some point during the baby or toddler phase didn't get stressed or sleep-deprived and exchange words with their spouse they regretted later. You have to be able to reassess it, accept that the other person didn't mean it the way you took it, and move on. Heck, my own grandmother initially refused to attend her youngest son's wedding and, I am sure, said hurtful things to him and his fiancee. She came around, attended the wedding, admitted she was wrong. Had a close relationship with son and wife for the next 50 years. Said more than once how grateful she was that son's wife saw past the initial pettiness and gave her another chance.

Now if MIL says next week "yeah, sorry OP, I love you but you will never be family to me and you are nothing more than an incubuator of my future grandchildren" then ok, she sucks. Even then, hurt is real but still not worth blowing up relationships over. These people who just "let their spouse" do all communication regarding grandkids and are always at a polite remove tend not to have very close, warm families. And that's fine if you are ok with it, but if you are envisioning one of those families where 40 people get together for every holiday and truly enjoy each other's company, this is not the way to do it.

It goes both ways. If the MIL intends to regard OP simply as a vessel then any attempts at forcing a closer relationship will only result in superficiality.

Exactly this. Once it became perfectly clear that my ILs have no interest in me as a person and only expected me to give them grandchildren to carry on THEIR family traditions, I dropped all efforts entirely. They made their position toward me clear, and I will not be chasing after people who do not want to know me and do not want to connect with me. Guess who my children are closer to?

+1

Bravo. So true.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL makes this pie every year on Thanksgiving and I asked if I could have the recipe because it's delicious. She told me that it's nothing personal but that it's a family recipe. I have been married to my husband for 5 years and we dated for 3 years before that. I'm not family? I know she has shared it with her niece before.

I have a personal relationship with my mil. We text quite often, we have gone shopping and I came over for meals individually. at least I felt like I did and I thought a DIL qualifies as family but because we don't have shared blood means I'm not family? I would get it if she shared it with no one else at all but that isn't the case. It's her saying all these other people are family because we have shared DNA but because you don't you aren't as important to me and don't count. I feel like I'm seen as "less than" by my MIL or like a 2nd tier family member.

It's not like we don't get along or like we don't have any sort of personal relationship. We have shopped together, I'm always there for intimate family gatherings, I could be the mother of her grandchild one day. Last time I checked being invited to something labeled a family gathering would qualify one as family.

I guess in my MIL's eyes keeping a recipe a secret is more important and sacred than the feelings and relationship of an actual human being. You would think I asked for the cure to cancer or the answer to world peace or something.

I'm so unbelievably hurt and shocked. This doesn't match the friendship and relationship I thought we had. The only thing I managed to be able to get out after I started to tear up was, "I thought me being your DIL and married to your son qualified me as family." And I quickly made an excuse to get off the phone.

This was last week and I haven't texted/called my mil since.

We usually see her in person 2x a month give or take. I just feel like I see our relationship in a whole new light and her as a person differently now.

It's not about a damn recipe at this point it's so much more it's about how she views me. Apparently the recipe is more important than our relationship.

My DH is furious with his mom however I told him to carry on whatever relationship he wants to have with his mom but I'm staying away for a little while until I can address my feelings with your mom in a calm and rational matter. I told him this is my issue with your mom it's not about him or his battle to fight. I don't want it to effect their relationship he said it won't.

Moving forward how should I address my hurt and gutted feelings to my MIL.

I think this is probably that she wants to be the one that makes this pie for her son. She doesn't want you to totally replace her, and she wants to have something that only she can do for him? I think its always a little bit of a push-pull with mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws, and it sounds like this may be due to her insecurities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL makes this pie every year on Thanksgiving and I asked if I could have the recipe because it's delicious. She told me that it's nothing personal but that it's a family recipe. I have been married to my husband for 5 years and we dated for 3 years before that. I'm not family? I know she has shared it with her niece before.

I have a personal relationship with my mil. We text quite often, we have gone shopping and I came over for meals individually. at least I felt like I did and I thought a DIL qualifies as family but because we don't have shared blood means I'm not family? I would get it if she shared it with no one else at all but that isn't the case. It's her saying all these other people are family because we have shared DNA but because you don't you aren't as important to me and don't count. I feel like I'm seen as "less than" by my MIL or like a 2nd tier family member.

It's not like we don't get along or like we don't have any sort of personal relationship. We have shopped together, I'm always there for intimate family gatherings, I could be the mother of her grandchild one day. Last time I checked being invited to something labeled a family gathering would qualify one as family.

I guess in my MIL's eyes keeping a recipe a secret is more important and sacred than the feelings and relationship of an actual human being. You would think I asked for the cure to cancer or the answer to world peace or something.

I'm so unbelievably hurt and shocked. This doesn't match the friendship and relationship I thought we had. The only thing I managed to be able to get out after I started to tear up was, "I thought me being your DIL and married to your son qualified me as family." And I quickly made an excuse to get off the phone.

This was last week and I haven't texted/called my mil since.

We usually see her in person 2x a month give or take. I just feel like I see our relationship in a whole new light and her as a person differently now.

It's not about a damn recipe at this point it's so much more it's about how she views me. Apparently the recipe is more important than our relationship.

My DH is furious with his mom however I told him to carry on whatever relationship he wants to have with his mom but I'm staying away for a little while until I can address my feelings with your mom in a calm and rational matter. I told him this is my issue with your mom it's not about him or his battle to fight. I don't want it to effect their relationship he said it won't.

Moving forward how should I address my hurt and gutted feelings to my MIL.

I think this is probably that she wants to be the one that makes this pie for her son. She doesn't want you to totally replace her, and she wants to have something that only she can do for him? I think its always a little bit of a push-pull with mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws, and it sounds like this may be due to her insecurities.

You would actually have a point if MIL hadn’t already given the recipe to other female family members. If a cousin or a sister or an aunt could just as easily bring the pie to a family event or serve it at her table, why not OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL makes this pie every year on Thanksgiving and I asked if I could have the recipe because it's delicious. She told me that it's nothing personal but that it's a family recipe. I have been married to my husband for 5 years and we dated for 3 years before that. I'm not family? I know she has shared it with her niece before.

I have a personal relationship with my mil. We text quite often, we have gone shopping and I came over for meals individually. at least I felt like I did and I thought a DIL qualifies as family but because we don't have shared blood means I'm not family? I would get it if she shared it with no one else at all but that isn't the case. It's her saying all these other people are family because we have shared DNA but because you don't you aren't as important to me and don't count. I feel like I'm seen as "less than" by my MIL or like a 2nd tier family member.

It's not like we don't get along or like we don't have any sort of personal relationship. We have shopped together, I'm always there for intimate family gatherings, I could be the mother of her grandchild one day. Last time I checked being invited to something labeled a family gathering would qualify one as family.

I guess in my MIL's eyes keeping a recipe a secret is more important and sacred than the feelings and relationship of an actual human being. You would think I asked for the cure to cancer or the answer to world peace or something.

I'm so unbelievably hurt and shocked. This doesn't match the friendship and relationship I thought we had. The only thing I managed to be able to get out after I started to tear up was, "I thought me being your DIL and married to your son qualified me as family." And I quickly made an excuse to get off the phone.

This was last week and I haven't texted/called my mil since.

We usually see her in person 2x a month give or take. I just feel like I see our relationship in a whole new light and her as a person differently now.

It's not about a damn recipe at this point it's so much more it's about how she views me. Apparently the recipe is more important than our relationship.

My DH is furious with his mom however I told him to carry on whatever relationship he wants to have with his mom but I'm staying away for a little while until I can address my feelings with your mom in a calm and rational matter. I told him this is my issue with your mom it's not about him or his battle to fight. I don't want it to effect their relationship he said it won't.

Moving forward how should I address my hurt and gutted feelings to my MIL.

I think this is probably that she wants to be the one that makes this pie for her son. She doesn't want you to totally replace her, and she wants to have something that only she can do for him? I think its always a little bit of a push-pull with mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws, and it sounds like this may be due to her insecurities.

Low probability. Plus no reason to be rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL makes this pie every year on Thanksgiving and I asked if I could have the recipe because it's delicious. She told me that it's nothing personal but that it's a family recipe. I have been married to my husband for 5 years and we dated for 3 years before that. I'm not family? I know she has shared it with her niece before.

I have a personal relationship with my mil. We text quite often, we have gone shopping and I came over for meals individually. at least I felt like I did and I thought a DIL qualifies as family but because we don't have shared blood means I'm not family? I would get it if she shared it with no one else at all but that isn't the case. It's her saying all these other people are family because we have shared DNA but because you don't you aren't as important to me and don't count. I feel like I'm seen as "less than" by my MIL or like a 2nd tier family member.

It's not like we don't get along or like we don't have any sort of personal relationship. We have shopped together, I'm always there for intimate family gatherings, I could be the mother of her grandchild one day. Last time I checked being invited to something labeled a family gathering would qualify one as family.

I guess in my MIL's eyes keeping a recipe a secret is more important and sacred than the feelings and relationship of an actual human being. You would think I asked for the cure to cancer or the answer to world peace or something.

I'm so unbelievably hurt and shocked. This doesn't match the friendship and relationship I thought we had. The only thing I managed to be able to get out after I started to tear up was, "I thought me being your DIL and married to your son qualified me as family." And I quickly made an excuse to get off the phone.

This was last week and I haven't texted/called my mil since.

We usually see her in person 2x a month give or take. I just feel like I see our relationship in a whole new light and her as a person differently now.

It's not about a damn recipe at this point it's so much more it's about how she views me. Apparently the recipe is more important than our relationship.

My DH is furious with his mom however I told him to carry on whatever relationship he wants to have with his mom but I'm staying away for a little while until I can address my feelings with your mom in a calm and rational matter. I told him this is my issue with your mom it's not about him or his battle to fight. I don't want it to effect their relationship he said it won't.

Moving forward how should I address my hurt and gutted feelings to my MIL.

I think this is probably that she wants to be the one that makes this pie for her son. She doesn't want you to totally replace her, and she wants to have something that only she can do for him? I think its always a little bit of a push-pull with mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws, and it sounds like this may be due to her insecurities.

OP here. Yes I would absolutely agree with you if my MIL didn't give it to any female family members because then it fails to be just something special only she can do for her son if his aunts/cousin can make it for him as well.

Because if it's something that just a mother wants to do for her son wouldn't this apply all the way around and not just to his wife?

To me the rule has to apply all the way around and not to certain people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be ready for her to deny her original comments entirely and paint you as a a silly loon.

In which case OP can laugh and say, so glad we are in agreement, are all family and will share recipes! what books are you currently reading?!?

This. I predict that mother-in-law will gaslight OP. "You must've misunderstood me" "I didn't say that" or she'll focus on the recipe and not the larger implication of what her not sharing it was telling you. And when she's backed into a corner and her rude, unloving behavior is pointed out rather than apologize, I think you could probably count on her to bad mouth you to the rest of the family, talking about how thin skinned and entitled you are. The fact that MIL knew something up and has never reached out, is all that I would need to know. She's one of those women from a previous generation who just wants to pretend everything's OK and ignore unpleasantness.

The OP described her relationship with her MIL in very positive terms that have been going on for five years before this family pie recipe debacle. They had been getting along fine. Why would you then assume so much negative behavior from the MIL? Some of you folks are really projecting your own situations and anger in this topic.

I'm basing my response not on my own life (I loved my dearly departed MIL very much) but on the fact that OP said what she she said on the first phone call and MIL didn't respond or follow-up. And then when OP got up the courage to address this face to face and called MIL to schedule it MIL intimated that she thought something was up. She said that and was fine with prolonging the discussion several more days. If I were the MIL I would want to get it sorted asap. This woman is avoidant. If I thought I had hurt someone I really cared about I wouldn't remain silent, and when confronted, I wouldn't let it continue to fester for more days. Nah. This MIL is not nice.

+1. She’ll probably gaslight OP and act surprised that OP was and is still offended. MIL is not acting in good faith and is a mean girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL makes this pie every year on Thanksgiving and I asked if I could have the recipe because it's delicious. She told me that it's nothing personal but that it's a family recipe. I have been married to my husband for 5 years and we dated for 3 years before that. I'm not family? I know she has shared it with her niece before.

I have a personal relationship with my mil. We text quite often, we have gone shopping and I came over for meals individually. at least I felt like I did and I thought a DIL qualifies as family but because we don't have shared blood means I'm not family? I would get it if she shared it with no one else at all but that isn't the case. It's her saying all these other people are family because we have shared DNA but because you don't you aren't as important to me and don't count. I feel like I'm seen as "less than" by my MIL or like a 2nd tier family member.

It's not like we don't get along or like we don't have any sort of personal relationship. We have shopped together, I'm always there for intimate family gatherings, I could be the mother of her grandchild one day. Last time I checked being invited to something labeled a family gathering would qualify one as family.

I guess in my MIL's eyes keeping a recipe a secret is more important and sacred than the feelings and relationship of an actual human being. You would think I asked for the cure to cancer or the answer to world peace or something.

I'm so unbelievably hurt and shocked. This doesn't match the friendship and relationship I thought we had. The only thing I managed to be able to get out after I started to tear up was, "I thought me being your DIL and married to your son qualified me as family." And I quickly made an excuse to get off the phone.

This was last week and I haven't texted/called my mil since.

We usually see her in person 2x a month give or take. I just feel like I see our relationship in a whole new light and her as a person differently now.

It's not about a damn recipe at this point it's so much more it's about how she views me. Apparently the recipe is more important than our relationship.

My DH is furious with his mom however I told him to carry on whatever relationship he wants to have with his mom but I'm staying away for a little while until I can address my feelings with your mom in a calm and rational matter. I told him this is my issue with your mom it's not about him or his battle to fight. I don't want it to effect their relationship he said it won't.

Moving forward how should I address my hurt and gutted feelings to my MIL.

I think this is probably that she wants to be the one that makes this pie for her son. She doesn't want you to totally replace her, and she wants to have something that only she can do for him? I think its always a little bit of a push-pull with mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws, and it sounds like this may be due to her insecurities.

OP here. Yes I would absolutely agree with you if my MIL didn't give it to any female family members because then it fails to be just something special only she can do for her son if his aunts/cousin can make it for him as well.

Because if it's something that just a mother wants to do for her son wouldn't this apply all the way around and not just to his wife?

To me the rule has to apply all the way around and not to certain people.

Agree.
You need to let your husband handle this however he needs to handle. Please do not tell him how to respond. I personally think he needs to read her the riot act and correct her blatant misunderstanding about who exactly is family.
Definitely pull back from interacting with her. She doesn’t get the benefit of your company while intentionally excluding you.

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP I feel I need to clarify something. My mil shared the recipe with other female relatives so clearly the reason can't be she wants to be the only one to make it for her son because these other relatives have the recipe so they can just as well make it for him.

If my mil said I rather not give the recipe to anyone because it's something I enjoy making for my son I would totally understand.

But it's that I'm not worthy of the recipe I'm below every other female relative. I'm beneath everyone. That's the issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be ready for her to deny her original comments entirely and paint you as a a silly loon.

In which case OP can laugh and say, so glad we are in agreement, are all family and will share recipes! what books are you currently reading?!?

This. I predict that mother-in-law will gaslight OP. "You must've misunderstood me" "I didn't say that" or she'll focus on the recipe and not the larger implication of what her not sharing it was telling you. And when she's backed into a corner and her rude, unloving behavior is pointed out rather than apologize, I think you could probably count on her to bad mouth you to the rest of the family, talking about how thin skinned and entitled you are. The fact that MIL knew something up and has never reached out, is all that I would need to know. She's one of those women from a previous generation who just wants to pretend everything's OK and ignore unpleasantness.

The OP described her relationship with her MIL in very positive terms that have been going on for five years before this family pie recipe debacle. They had been getting along fine. Why would you then assume so much negative behavior from the MIL? Some of you folks are really projecting your own situations and anger in this topic.

I'm basing my response not on my own life (I loved my dearly departed MIL very much) but on the fact that OP said what she she said on the first phone call and MIL didn't respond or follow-up. And then when OP got up the courage to address this face to face and called MIL to schedule it MIL intimated that she thought something was up. She said that and was fine with prolonging the discussion several more days. If I were the MIL I would want to get it sorted asap. This woman is avoidant. If I thought I had hurt someone I really cared about I wouldn't remain silent, and when confronted, I wouldn't let it continue to fester for more days. Nah. This MIL is not nice.

Agree. If I catch wind that someone is upset with me or something I’d want to clear it up asap on the phone. Not delay that for a week and play dumb.
Now if they were a jerk and manipulator then I wouldn’t give them a stage for their lying performance whatsoeverZ

[Anonymous]

I’m a new mother in law and this breaks my heart. I treated my DIL as my daughter from the moment I knew my son loved her . I’ve done the sans for her sister that she is very close to as we spent a lot of time all together.

I just don’t understand people I guess. In my home (and heart), it’s the more the merrier .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP I feel I need to clarify something. My mil shared the recipe with other female relatives so clearly the reason can't be she wants to be the only one to make it for her son because these other relatives have the recipe so they can just as well make it for him.

If my mil said I rather not give the recipe to anyone because it's something I enjoy making for my son I would totally understand.

But it's that I'm not worthy of the recipe I'm below every other female relative. I'm beneath everyone. That's the issue

Hey dimwit, your DH’s cousins are not likely to make pie for him. You are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP I feel I need to clarify something. My mil shared the recipe with other female relatives so clearly the reason can't be she wants to be the only one to make it for her son because these other relatives have the recipe so they can just as well make it for him.

If my mil said I rather not give the recipe to anyone because it's something I enjoy making for my son I would totally understand.

But it's that I'm not worthy of the recipe I'm below every other female relative. I'm beneath everyone. That's the issue

Hey dimwit, your DH’s cousins are not likely to make pie for him. You are.

No need for name calling first of all. Some people's reasoning was also that she didn't want me to make it during family functions as well but she literally gave the recipe to other family members (I don't wanna hear but blooooood either) who could just as easily make it as well. So that logic goes out the window.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP I feel I need to clarify something. My mil shared the recipe with other female relatives so clearly the reason can't be she wants to be the only one to make it for her son because these other relatives have the recipe so they can just as well make it for him.

If my mil said I rather not give the recipe to anyone because it's something I enjoy making for my son I would totally understand.

But it's that I'm not worthy of the recipe I'm below every other female relative. I'm beneath everyone. That's the issue

Hey dimwit, your DH’s cousins are not likely to make pie for him. You are.

Nasty MIL alert!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP I feel I need to clarify something. My mil shared the recipe with other female relatives so clearly the reason can't be she wants to be the only one to make it for her son because these other relatives have the recipe so they can just as well make it for him.

If my mil said I rather not give the recipe to anyone because it's something I enjoy making for my son I would totally understand.

But it's that I'm not worthy of the recipe I'm below every other female relative. I'm beneath everyone. That's the issue

Hey dimwit, your DH’s cousins are not likely to make pie for him. You are.

Nasty MIL alert!

Right because none of the DILs here are ever nasty except for about 90% of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP I feel I need to clarify something. My mil shared the recipe with other female relatives so clearly the reason can't be she wants to be the only one to make it for her son because these other relatives have the recipe so they can just as well make it for him.

If my mil said I rather not give the recipe to anyone because it's something I enjoy making for my son I would totally understand.

But it's that I'm not worthy of the recipe I'm below every other female relative. I'm beneath everyone. That's the issue

Hey dimwit, your DH’s cousins are not likely to make pie for him. You are.

Nasty MIL alert!

Right because none of the DILs here are ever nasty except for about 90% of them.

What do they do nasty? They aren't the ones who alienate their DILs from the family and call them not family.