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That awkward moment when you realize you don't qualify as family
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Anonymous
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My MIL makes this pie every year on Thanksgiving and I asked if I could have the recipe because it's delicious. She told me that it's nothing personal but that it's a family recipe. I have been married to my husband for 5 years and we dated for 3 years before that. I'm not family? I know she has shared it with her niece before.
I have a personal relationship with my mil. We text quite often, we have gone shopping and I came over for meals individually. at least I felt like I did and I thought a DIL qualifies as family but because we don't have shared blood means I'm not family? I would get it if she shared it with no one else at all but that isn't the case. It's her saying all these other people are family because we have shared DNA but because you don't you aren't as important to me and don't count. I feel like I'm seen as "less than" by my MIL or like a 2nd tier family member. It's not like we don't get along or like we don't have any sort of personal relationship. We have shopped together, I'm always there for intimate family gatherings, I could be the mother of her grandchild one day. Last time I checked being invited to something labeled a family gathering would qualify one as family. I guess in my MIL's eyes keeping a recipe a secret is more important and sacred than the feelings and relationship of an actual human being. You would think I asked for the cure to cancer or the answer to world peace or something. I'm so unbelievably hurt and shocked. This doesn't match the friendship and relationship I thought we had. The only thing I managed to be able to get out after I started to tear up was, "I thought me being your DIL and married to your son qualified me as family." And I quickly made an excuse to get off the phone. This was last week and I haven't texted/called my mil since. We usually see her in person 2x a month give or take. I just feel like I see our relationship in a whole new light and her as a person differently now. It's not about a damn recipe at this point it's so much more it's about how she views me. Apparently the recipe is more important than our relationship. My DH is furious with his mom however I told him to carry on whatever relationship he wants to have with his mom but I'm staying away for a little while until I can address my feelings with your mom in a calm and rational matter. I told him this is my issue with your mom it's not about him or his battle to fight. I don't want it to effect their relationship he said it won't. Moving forward how should I address my hurt and gutted feelings to my MIL. |
Anonymous
| This isn't the first time you've posted about this, right? |
Anonymous
It definitely is the first time I posted about this. Unless another poster had the same issue before. It honestly wouldn't surprise me. But I swear I never posted about this before. |
Anonymous
Crazy, there was another poster around Thanksgiving last year that posted a very similar issue. Its so bizarre in my opinion that she would hold a silly recipe so tight chested and make you feel excluded. I mean, for what? |
Anonymous
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She’s a b, now you know. No more texting, no more shopping or get togethers alone. At family events be polite & cordial, just like you would treat any of his distant relatives.
Don’t feel bad, it’s not you or anything you did wrong. She would like you to be an acquaintance, so be it. |
Anonymous
Just wait a few years. Maybe she'll give it to her grandchild!  Or have your DH ask for it. He's a blood relation.
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Anonymous
. Oh trust me I definitely agree. Moving forward I am only going to see her at family events with other people. I will not call/text individually or hangout alone with her. It isn't about the recipe at all it's about how she very clearly views me and that's not family. I view it like any other relationship where you clearly view the relationship in a much closer way than the other person does. It just really stings because I viewed this particular person as a close family member. Someone who was important and close to me. Guess that's over now. |
Anonymous
| You were expecting way too much out of this relationship. Now you've learned that. It's good information to have going forward. Do you have kids? If not, be glad you learned this before kids. |
Anonymous
| This is a very dramatic post. Why do you care what she thinks about you? And stop acting like a martyr with your DH. He should absolutely have your back by expressing his anger towards his mother and not engaging until she apologizes. |
Anonymous
Watch all of a sudden I'll be "family" again when it comes time for me to give her access to my children. Almost like the incubator all of a sudden I'll matter again. My husband doesn't cook so he isn't interested in having it. |
Anonymous
I don't mean to sound dramatic but I feel hurt by someone I valued as a close family member. Just like any other relationship where you think your relationship is closer than it really is and you find out that person doesn't view you in the same light. I disagree that my husband shouldn't engage with his mother until she apologizes. This is my battle with her not his. It's still his mother. He supports me not engaging with her and that's all that matters is that he isn't pushing me to engage with her. But it would be incredibly controlling of me to tell my husband not to engage with his own mother unless we had kids and she did or threatened to do something to one of our kids that put them in harms way or something to that extreme. |
Anonymous
I was only expecting it because that's what my MIL demonstrated to me based on her actions in the past that I was close family. You're right though it is good information to have moving forward which is why I'm not going over to her place or texting or calling her individually or hanging out individually with her. I am going to focus on all the other meaningful relationships in my life. It still stings and hurts a lot though. |
Anonymous
Also wanted to add at the moment no we don't have kids. |
Anonymous
| You can commiserate with the DIL on another thread whose MIL is an over-the-top gift giver only to her son and not DIL because she doesn't love her DIL. |
Anonymous
| Damn girl just google your own pir recipe. Share your trial bakes with your MIL. Maybe you two will find your own family recipe together and get married |