That awkward moment when you realize you don't qualify as family

[Anonymous]

You should have kids soon just so you can deny your MIL access to them. Tell her various holidays and events are just for “immediate family.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a very dramatic post. Why do you care what she thinks about you? And stop acting like a martyr with your DH. He should absolutely have your back by expressing his anger towards his mother and not engaging until she apologizes.

Wait a minute - this is a woman who enjoyed what she thought was a close, supportive, mutual relationship with her MIL. Her MIL’s refusal to share a “family” recipe with her DIL is garbage behavior. It’s hurtful. If the OP didn’t care, she’d be criticized for being cold.

OP, I also had a warmer relationship with my MIL that cooled when I observed her repeatedly ignoring our kids. They’re not anywhere on her priority list, which is her right, but I’m not bending over backwards for her. This stuff sucks.

An entire wonderful relationship is destroyed because MIL has a weird quirk about not giving recipes to anyone other than female blood relatives? It is very hurtful, but surely not worth forgoing all future IL events as OP is now threatening to do?

Sounds like some posters here are triggered by the prospect of actions having consequences. Rather than call OP dramatic and overly sensitive, maybe concentrating on being nicer to your own DIL…

Yup exactly! Negative behavior has consequences. I'm not calling her up to curse her out, I didn't yell at her, I didn't chew her out. I'm just choosing to listen to her words that I'm not family and adjust my actions accordingly.

[Anonymous]

It’s just pie! Who cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s just pie! Who cares.

Please you can't be this dense. It's deeper than just pie. It's about my mil clearly doesn't view me as family.

Ok say it is just pie than my MIL's relationship with me is less important than "just pie" so doesn't that just prove my point in that I'm correct in being hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was rude, she was wrong, I understand why you are upset.

Also, if she's been a good MIL and you have had a good relationship up until now, for five years, do you really think all that should be out the window because of pie?

You might make a mistake one day, think about that.

Of course I might make a mistake I'm not above that but the difference is what I would do about my mistake I would apologize and do everything in my power to correct my mistake. Not stand by my mistake which is what my MIL still not calling or texting to be like, "I'm so sorry about my rude and hurtful response to you asking for the recipe the other day. You have been a wonderful addition to my family and I would be honored to share the recipe with you."

But my not doing so that shows she is still in agreement with her actions and feels she is in the right.

Have you or your husband told her what you are upset about? If yes, then I agree with you. If no, then she doesn't know what she did wrong. I know that sounds hard to believe and possibly impossible to forgive but I know a whole lot of older people and they are not always as sharp and empathetic as you think your MIL ought to be. I mean, I'm getting the impression that you no longer think of her as family either as a result of this one thing. So apparently between the two of you the feeling that someone is your family can be very fleeting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s just pie! Who cares.

Please you can't be this dense. It's deeper than just pie. It's about my mil clearly doesn't view me as family.

Ok say it is just pie than my MIL's relationship with me is less important than "just pie" so doesn't that just prove my point in that I'm correct in being hurt.

This must have just happened. I haven’t seen anyone fire back so many responses to posters (excepting trolls). It’s clear you are very angry. I’m sorry. I hope you can talk it out with her someday.

[Anonymous]

OP I think she was rude. Because it seems like she said it with intention by starting it off with “ it’s nothing personal but..” you are married to her son. I’m wondering have there been any other weird or competitive vibes from her before ?
But that being said— she will be in your life for a long time. if she one day (soon) were to ask you why you haven’t spoken to her or if something is wrong, you may want to consider telling her the truth about how her words made you feel.

[Anonymous]

People who hoard recipes are nuts anyway. The internet exists, we can find it.

I’m sorry OP. I’d be hurt too. What a callous thing to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a very dramatic post. Why do you care what she thinks about you? And stop acting like a martyr with your DH. He should absolutely have your back by expressing his anger towards his mother and not engaging until she apologizes.

Wait a minute - this is a woman who enjoyed what she thought was a close, supportive, mutual relationship with her MIL. Her MIL’s refusal to share a “family” recipe with her DIL is garbage behavior. It’s hurtful. If the OP didn’t care, she’d be criticized for being cold.

OP, I also had a warmer relationship with my MIL that cooled when I observed her repeatedly ignoring our kids. They’re not anywhere on her priority list, which is her right, but I’m not bending over backwards for her. This stuff sucks.

An entire wonderful relationship is destroyed because MIL has a weird quirk about not giving recipes to anyone other than female blood relatives? It is very hurtful, but surely not worth forgoing all future IL events as OP is now threatening to do?

Sounds like some posters here are triggered by the prospect of actions having consequences. Rather than call OP dramatic and overly sensitive, maybe concentrating on being nicer to your own DIL…

Yup exactly! Negative behavior has consequences. I'm not calling her up to curse her out, I didn't yell at her, I didn't chew her out. I'm just choosing to listen to her words that I'm not family and adjust my actions accordingly.

OP, my gut tells me that MIL will conveniently forget she ever let this slip out - especially after the arrival of a child. Perhaps you should affirm it with her now - "MIL, I'm so sorry you can't share your family's recipe for XX pie. In lieu of that, I'm sending in a tart from my family's recipe book for this holiday." Be utterly polite. Like that post about the Japanese being so polite that it is used as a wall between them and outsiders.
If no response from her, you can henceforth proceed with laying down your boundaries. Again, diplomacy and politeness!
Don't think of it as retaliatory. It is the best way of setting realistic expectations for yourself in this long parallel road you will have with her.

[Anonymous]

That is so incredibly hurtful. I’m sorry. Have you told your husband? Just wondering what his reply is.

[Anonymous]

This is sad, OP. Your MIL is thoughtless and unkind but more importantly short-sighted. I would take a nice long break from this woman. If she asks why, I would remind her that per her own view, you aren’t family and therefore aren’t going to be attending all the family gatherings, buying her gifts, cards, or coordinating get togethers. Natural consequences. But I’m petty like that. When you have children, I would 100% prioritize my own family over her, since she’s now not family. Let the chips fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

I know you are hurt and I understand why.

You may consider, once you've calmed down, talking to MIL and explaining why you felt hurt. Your husband could also do this, in a non-confrontational manner. (I say this bc you said he was "furious")

The best path forward is one of understanding and forgiveness. Give MIL a chance to understand why your comment hurt (that it's not the pie but that you considered her to be family). If she apologizes, then try to accept it. If she digs in, then you can proceed with keeping her at arms length.

Just a thought from another DIL who loves her MIL dearly (in spite of some random annoying comments)

[Anonymous]

I bet your DH has confided in her that he plans to divorce you soon. And he is “furious” that she almost spilled the beans…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s just pie! Who cares.

Please you can't be this dense. It's deeper than just pie. It's about my mil clearly doesn't view me as family.

Ok say it is just pie than my MIL's relationship with me is less important than "just pie" so doesn't that just prove my point in that I'm correct in being hurt.

OP, I think you're letting your hurt over this whole family-not-family thing cloud your judgement. You complained that MIL views you as "less than" or "second tier" family. Is that not, simply, logical? You are by definition both less than and second tier compared to people she birthed and direct descendants. I'm not a mother and even I can see that nothing can trump the feeling a mother has for her children. You being second to them is simply biology.

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. You being less important than her direct family doesn't make you not important. This all-or-nothing attitude isn't the way to go.

Her behavior about the pie is ridiculous, but you're reaction to it is not proportional.

[Anonymous]

OP, I stopped reading the crazy responses. People must be drinking and in a mood.

I would be hurt too.

Hopefully DH has your back. And if it comes up to him hopefully he will simply say, Mom, you told her only family gets the recipe. So basically you told my wife she isn't family.