That awkward moment when you realize you don't qualify as family

[Anonymous]

That sucks Op. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP I feel I need to clarify something. My mil shared the recipe with other female relatives so clearly the reason can't be she wants to be the only one to make it for her son because these other relatives have the recipe so they can just as well make it for him.

If my mil said I rather not give the recipe to anyone because it's something I enjoy making for my son I would totally understand.

But it's that I'm not worthy of the recipe I'm below every other female relative. I'm beneath everyone. That's the issue

Hey dimwit, your DH’s cousins are not likely to make pie for him. You are.

Nasty MIL alert!

Right because none of the DILs here are ever nasty except for about 90% of them.

What do they do nasty? They aren't the ones who alienate their DILs from the family and call them not family.

You are in some serious denial! Read any MIL thread and you will see how nasty the DILs can be. However, since you are most likely a DIL yourself it's possible you are too narrowly focused to see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP I feel I need to clarify something. My mil shared the recipe with other female relatives so clearly the reason can't be she wants to be the only one to make it for her son because these other relatives have the recipe so they can just as well make it for him.

If my mil said I rather not give the recipe to anyone because it's something I enjoy making for my son I would totally understand.

But it's that I'm not worthy of the recipe I'm below every other female relative. I'm beneath everyone. That's the issue

Hey dimwit, your DH’s cousins are not likely to make pie for him. You are.

Nasty MIL alert!

Right because none of the DILs here are ever nasty except for about 90% of them.

What do they do nasty? They aren't the ones who alienate their DILs from the family and call them not family.

You are in some serious denial! Read any MIL thread and you will see how nasty the DILs can be. However, since you are most likely a DIL yourself it's possible you are too narrowly focused to see it.

NP. Oh please, I’ve seen plenty of times where a DIL OP who didn’t, say, call her MIL on Mother’s Day or send flowers to DIL on Mother’s Day was raked over the coals for not “treating MIL like family.” Same as the debates over whether DIL is horrible for wanting her own mother in the delivery room but not MIL, or feeling comfortable nursing in front of her parents but not her ILs. Come on. It cuts both ways, and I’ve seen it. If you say otherwise you are either lying or you only click on MIL threads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MILs take note- treat your DILs like family or you won't be spending time with your grandchildren in the future.

OP lies in wait years to tell MIL “I’m sorry, I don’t feel comfortable leaving my kids with you. I only leave them with family.” Or “sorry, no invite for you, MIL, this holiday is just for my family.” My suggestion instead, take deep breath and move on with information you know now in way that creates least drama and least tension for OP and DH—them both to decide (do not think OP should shut DH out of that decision).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MILs take note- treat your DILs like family or you won't be spending time with your grandchildren in the future.

OP lies in wait years to tell MIL “I’m sorry, I don’t feel comfortable leaving my kids with you. I only leave them with family.” Or “sorry, no invite for you, MIL, this holiday is just for my family.” My suggestion instead, take deep breath and move on with information you know now in way that creates least drama and least tension for OP and DH—them both to decide (do not think OP should shut DH out of that decision).

Welp, fair’s fair. If MIL wanted to be treated like OP’s family, she shouldn’t have made it clear that she doesn’t consider OP to be family. That’s all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update here: I decided to take the advice that a lot of PPs gave and I reached out and texted my MIL and said, "hey there has been something weighing on my mind for the past few days now that you said regarding the family recipe I asked for and I wanted to address it with you since I figured being up front and honest with you is the best approach, would you prefer we discuss it over the phone, text, or in person?" My mil got back to me within less than 5 minutes and said in person will work because she has an idea what this is about. Which I feel even shittier about because if she has an idea why I want to talk to her why did she not follow up with me or address my response on the phone? We are going to meet next Saturday for lunch.

Sorry you are feeling badly about this development, I hope you can find it within yourself to show your MIL some grace even if you believe she has shown you none.

Thank you so much! How much grace I give depends on her response to my hurt feelings. That will say it all about her as a person and how she really feels towards me.

I only read the first and last page but want to say: think about the long game.

What if one day you have a kid or two? They get to the age where they are thinking more about family relationships and ask you "how come we don't spend a lot of time with Grandma?"

What will you say? "Well, before you were born we used to be close, but then one day she didn't give me a pie recipe." ?

I know your feelings now are valid, but can you see in hindsight how ridiculous it would be to let a rift form now? Proceed with caution, but if you otherwise had a good relationship, you might have to learn to shrug off this slight as something she it's irrational about but you can't change.

-NP who regrets not trying harder to have a better relationship with my own MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update here: I decided to take the advice that a lot of PPs gave and I reached out and texted my MIL and said, "hey there has been something weighing on my mind for the past few days now that you said regarding the family recipe I asked for and I wanted to address it with you since I figured being up front and honest with you is the best approach, would you prefer we discuss it over the phone, text, or in person?" My mil got back to me within less than 5 minutes and said in person will work because she has an idea what this is about. Which I feel even shittier about because if she has an idea why I want to talk to her why did she not follow up with me or address my response on the phone? We are going to meet next Saturday for lunch.

Sorry you are feeling badly about this development, I hope you can find it within yourself to show your MIL some grace even if you believe she has shown you none.

Thank you so much! How much grace I give depends on her response to my hurt feelings. That will say it all about her as a person and how she really feels towards me.

I only read the first and last page but want to say: think about the long game.

What if one day you have a kid or two? They get to the age where they are thinking more about family relationships and ask you "how come we don't spend a lot of time with Grandma?"

What will you say? "Well, before you were born we used to be close, but then one day she didn't give me a pie recipe." ?

I know your feelings now are valid, but can you see in hindsight how ridiculous it would be to let a rift form now? Proceed with caution, but if you otherwise had a good relationship, you might have to learn to shrug off this slight as something she it's irrational about but you can't change.

-NP who regrets not trying harder to have a better relationship with my own MIL

Um, if it comes to that, it’s because of DH, MIL’s son, not because of OP (the DIL).

If I had a rift with DH’s parents that wasn’t about something major—like verbal or physical abuse or racism—and I chose to distance myself from ILs, DH would still facilitate visits and outings. ILs live five hours away, but if he wanted to take the kids to grandma’s house, off he goes and have fun. Or if he wanted to go to their annual beach family reunion and I did I not want to go, off he goes and have fun.

Do you get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update here: I decided to take the advice that a lot of PPs gave and I reached out and texted my MIL and said, "hey there has been something weighing on my mind for the past few days now that you said regarding the family recipe I asked for and I wanted to address it with you since I figured being up front and honest with you is the best approach, would you prefer we discuss it over the phone, text, or in person?" My mil got back to me within less than 5 minutes and said in person will work because she has an idea what this is about. Which I feel even shittier about because if she has an idea why I want to talk to her why did she not follow up with me or address my response on the phone? We are going to meet next Saturday for lunch.

Sorry you are feeling badly about this development, I hope you can find it within yourself to show your MIL some grace even if you believe she has shown you none.

In

Thank you so much! How much grace I give depends on her response to my hurt feelings. That will say it all about her as a person and how she really feels towards me.

I only read the first and last page but want to say: think about the long game.

What if one day you have a kid or two? They get to the age where they are thinking more about family relationships and ask you "how come we don't spend a lot of time with Grandma?"

What will you say? "Well, before you were born we used to be close, but then one day she didn't give me a pie recipe." ?

I know your feelings now are valid, but can you see in hindsight how ridiculous it would be to let a rift form now? Proceed with caution, but if you otherwise had a good relationship, you might have to learn to shrug off this slight as something she it's irrational about but you can't change.

-NP who regrets not trying harder to have a better relationship with my own MIL

I n my case this was just the beginning of worse behavior. Once we had kids with stressful births it all became worse. Mil’s mom knitted baby blankets for our children and mil refused to give them to us. Her mom made crocheted Christmas ornaments for all the girls but mil refused to give me the box great grandmother had made to me. It only got worse for me and I was the dil she liked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP I feel I need to clarify something. My mil shared the recipe with other female relatives so clearly the reason can't be she wants to be the only one to make it for her son because these other relatives have the recipe so they can just as well make it for him.

If my mil said I rather not give the recipe to anyone because it's something I enjoy making for my son I would totally understand.

But it's that I'm not worthy of the recipe I'm below every other female relative. I'm beneath everyone. That's the issue

Hey dimwit, your DH’s cousins are not likely to make pie for him. You are.

Nasty MIL alert!

Right because none of the DILs here are ever nasty except for about 90% of them.

What do they do nasty? They aren't the ones who alienate their DILs from the family and call them not family.

You are in some serious denial! Read any MIL thread and you will see how nasty the DILs can be. However, since you are most likely a DIL yourself it's possible you are too narrowly focused to see it.

Hi Crazy Mil Lady? Still no help hobbies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP I feel I need to clarify something. My mil shared the recipe with other female relatives so clearly the reason can't be she wants to be the only one to make it for her son because these other relatives have the recipe so they can just as well make it for him.

If my mil said I rather not give the recipe to anyone because it's something I enjoy making for my son I would totally understand.

But it's that I'm not worthy of the recipe I'm below every other female relative. I'm beneath everyone. That's the issue

Hey dimwit, your DH’s cousins are not likely to make pie for him. You are.

You are clearly uneducated and classless. Go back to your trailer.

[Anonymous]

NP. Why does anyone have to make a pie “for” DH? If my husband wants to make recipes from his family cookbook, off he goes to the kitchen. He makes his own pie crust, even.

I cook and bake what I want to make 99% of the time. He likes a certain cake for his birthday which I make for him, but he prefers my recipe to his family recipe. (It’s just a modified Ina recipe, so it’s not “mine,” I should say.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update here: I decided to take the advice that a lot of PPs gave and I reached out and texted my MIL and said, "hey there has been something weighing on my mind for the past few days now that you said regarding the family recipe I asked for and I wanted to address it with you since I figured being up front and honest with you is the best approach, would you prefer we discuss it over the phone, text, or in person?" My mil got back to me within less than 5 minutes and said in person will work because she has an idea what this is about. Which I feel even shittier about because if she has an idea why I want to talk to her why did she not follow up with me or address my response on the phone? We are going to meet next Saturday for lunch.

Sorry you are feeling badly about this development, I hope you can find it within yourself to show your MIL some grace even if you believe she has shown you none.

Thank you so much! How much grace I give depends on her response to my hurt feelings. That will say it all about her as a person and how she really feels towards me.

I only read the first and last page but want to say: think about the long game.

What if one day you have a kid or two? They get to the age where they are thinking more about family relationships and ask you "how come we don't spend a lot of time with Grandma?"

What will you say? "Well, before you were born we used to be close, but then one day she didn't give me a pie recipe." ?

I know your feelings now are valid, but can you see in hindsight how ridiculous it would be to let a rift form now? Proceed with caution, but if you otherwise had a good relationship, you might have to learn to shrug off this slight as something she it's irrational about but you can't change.

-NP who regrets not trying harder to have a better relationship with my own MIL

Way to miss the point on purpose. You’re being intentionally obtuse here, and OP even clarified this was NOT about the recipe.

No, the answer would be “Well, one day grandma made it Crystal clear to me that I wasn’t family.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP I feel I need to clarify something. My mil shared the recipe with other female relatives so clearly the reason can't be she wants to be the only one to make it for her son because these other relatives have the recipe so they can just as well make it for him.

If my mil said I rather not give the recipe to anyone because it's something I enjoy making for my son I would totally understand.

But it's that I'm not worthy of the recipe I'm below every other female relative. I'm beneath everyone. That's the issue

Hey dimwit, your DH’s cousins are not likely to make pie for him. You are.

Nasty MIL alert!

Right because none of the DILs here are ever nasty except for about 90% of them.

What do they do nasty? They aren't the ones who alienate their DILs from the family and call them not family.

You are in some serious denial! Read any MIL thread and you will see how nasty the DILs can be. However, since you are most likely a DIL yourself it's possible you are too narrowly focused to see it.

Hi Crazy Mil Lady? Still no help hobbies?

What is a help hobby?

I am not a MIL although I have been one and I have also been a DIL. You seem inclined to stereotype people and get your jollies out of labeling people rather than actually contributing something.

[jsteele]

It runs out that this poster is a troll.