That awkward moment when you realize you don't qualify as family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Damn girl just google your own pir recipe. Share your trial bakes with your MIL. Maybe you two will find your own family recipe together and get married

It's deeper now than a recipe it's that my mil views this recipe as more important than our relationship and my feelings.

I am going to adjust my relationship with her accordingly moving forward now. Because remember I'm not family so it shouldn't matter, right?

I hope you’re only venting. This is ridiculous. So she’s a little crazy. Don’t let this create a huge rift that will affect your DH and children (it will). Be the bigger person.

More ridiculous than my MIL not sharing a pie recipe? Why am I told to push down my hurt feelings in favor of my husband? Seems like you are more worried about how this effects him than me the actual person who just realized a family member told them flat out they aren't family. Someone they considered themselves close to. That takes time to digest. My pride and my ego and my feelings were hurt.

I never planned on telling my husband to not engage with his mother but if he chooses not to on his own that's on him. His mother would be the cause of that by being extremely hurtful and rude to me not me. If there is a riff between him and his mother that's 100% because of her actions.

Someone who is non family shouldn't have to attend family things. Me not being family was my MIL's words not mine? I am being the bigger person by not calling her out on her rude behavior which I easily could have done. I will be civil and polite when I see her in person but nothing more than that.

[Anonymous]

A special message just for OP from The Eagles:

https://youtu.be/iZnp10Y4Ng8?si=Wwfn1YCDCvhXNKXy

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, Op. You do not deserve that treatment. Geez!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a very dramatic post. Why do you care what she thinks about you? And stop acting like a martyr with your DH. He should absolutely have your back by expressing his anger towards his mother and not engaging until she apologizes.

Wait a minute - this is a woman who enjoyed what she thought was a close, supportive, mutual relationship with her MIL. Her MIL’s refusal to share a “family” recipe with her DIL is garbage behavior. It’s hurtful. If the OP didn’t care, she’d be criticized for being cold.

OP, I also had a warmer relationship with my MIL that cooled when I observed her repeatedly ignoring our kids. They’re not anywhere on her priority list, which is her right, but I’m not bending over backwards for her. This stuff sucks.

An entire wonderful relationship is destroyed because MIL has a weird quirk about not giving recipes to anyone other than female blood relatives? It is very hurtful, but surely not worth forgoing all future IL events as OP is now threatening to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s a b, now you know. No more texting, no more shopping or get togethers alone. At family events be polite & cordial, just like you would treat any of his distant relatives.
Don’t feel bad, it’s not you or anything you did wrong. She would like you to be an acquaintance, so be it.

+1

She is awful OP- now you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? A lot of MILs don’t consider you family until you’ve had a grandkid.

Super rude.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a very dramatic post. Why do you care what she thinks about you? And stop acting like a martyr with your DH. He should absolutely have your back by expressing his anger towards his mother and not engaging until she apologizes.

Wait a minute - this is a woman who enjoyed what she thought was a close, supportive, mutual relationship with her MIL. Her MIL’s refusal to share a “family” recipe with her DIL is garbage behavior. It’s hurtful. If the OP didn’t care, she’d be criticized for being cold.

OP, I also had a warmer relationship with my MIL that cooled when I observed her repeatedly ignoring our kids. They’re not anywhere on her priority list, which is her right, but I’m not bending over backwards for her. This stuff sucks.

An entire wonderful relationship is destroyed because MIL has a weird quirk about not giving recipes to anyone other than female blood relatives? It is very hurtful, but surely not worth forgoing all future IL events as OP is now threatening to do?

But that entire wonderful relationship wasn't really wonderful was it if a recipe means more to her than the feelings of her DIL? It's saying I'm not on the level of blood family, I'm 2nd tier, "less than." PP is right that shit is hurtful. I thought attending intimate family gatherings qualifies one as family. There is a reason even close friends don't get invited to those because it's labeled FAMILY only. So according to MIL her words I'm not family so why shouldn't I behave accordingly? It lets me off the hook for everything labeled a family function. Which frees up my calendar a lot and allows me more time for my side of the family, my friends, me time, and other things I wanna do.

Why would I spend time with people who consider me "second tier" or "less than" when I can spend time with ppl who truly care about my feelings more than a recipe and who put energy into our relationship?

Life is too short to waste time on people who show you who they are and what they think of you.

[Anonymous]

I'd have said "Oh ok, well when Jeremy and I have kids you can give it to them - I'll be patient!"

That was rude and hurtful.

If she really has a thing about only sharing it with "family" she should have told you she doesn't use a recipe or something.

What does your DH say? He's family - will she give it to him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were expecting way too much out of this relationship. Now you've learned that. It's good information to have going forward. Do you have kids? If not, be glad you learned this before kids.

I'm this PP and I stand by my above comment. However, you're acting really immature about this on this thread in responding dramatically to every single comment, threatening escalating action up to and including cutting off potential future grandchildren, rescinding all holiday visits, etc. This is not the hill to die on. File this experience, factor what you've learned into future interactions, accept that you're not going to be your MIL's BFF or stand-in daughter, and go from there. Don't blow up everything over a silly recipe and MIL power move. That might even be what she wants. It's a long game.

[Anonymous]

That was rude, she was wrong, I understand why you are upset.

Also, if she's been a good MIL and you have had a good relationship up until now, for five years, do you really think all that should be out the window because of pie?

You might make a mistake one day, think about that.

[Anonymous]

MIL is an @ss. So sorry, op. Perfectly fine to keep some distance and see how things go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd have said "Oh ok, well when Jeremy and I have kids you can give it to them - I'll be patient!"

That was rude and hurtful.

If she really has a thing about only sharing it with "family" she should have told you she doesn't use a recipe or something.

What does your DH say? He's family - will she give it to him?

I'm sure she will because she birthed him so he should make the cut. I was gonna have him ask for it but now my pride and ego is in the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a very dramatic post. Why do you care what she thinks about you? And stop acting like a martyr with your DH. He should absolutely have your back by expressing his anger towards his mother and not engaging until she apologizes.

Wait a minute - this is a woman who enjoyed what she thought was a close, supportive, mutual relationship with her MIL. Her MIL’s refusal to share a “family” recipe with her DIL is garbage behavior. It’s hurtful. If the OP didn’t care, she’d be criticized for being cold.

OP, I also had a warmer relationship with my MIL that cooled when I observed her repeatedly ignoring our kids. They’re not anywhere on her priority list, which is her right, but I’m not bending over backwards for her. This stuff sucks.

An entire wonderful relationship is destroyed because MIL has a weird quirk about not giving recipes to anyone other than female blood relatives? It is very hurtful, but surely not worth forgoing all future IL events as OP is now threatening to do?

Sounds like some posters here are triggered by the prospect of actions having consequences. Rather than call OP dramatic and overly sensitive, maybe concentrating on being nicer to your own DIL…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That was rude, she was wrong, I understand why you are upset.

Also, if she's been a good MIL and you have had a good relationship up until now, for five years, do you really think all that should be out the window because of pie?

You might make a mistake one day, think about that.

Of course I might make a mistake I'm not above that but the difference is what I would do about my mistake I would apologize and do everything in my power to correct my mistake. Not stand by my mistake which is what my MIL still not calling or texting to be like, "I'm so sorry about my rude and hurtful response to you asking for the recipe the other day. You have been a wonderful addition to my family and I would be honored to share the recipe with you."

But my not doing so that shows she is still in agreement with her actions and feels she is in the right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That was rude, she was wrong, I understand why you are upset.

Also, if she's been a good MIL and you have had a good relationship up until now, for five years, do you really think all that should be out the window because of pie?

You might make a mistake one day, think about that.

Not OP but… are you really this obtuse? IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PIE.