Parents- nix these behaviors in your kids before they go to college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent, I’ve been giving feedback to my kids on their emails to teachers and other adults since middle school. Fully recognize my privilege but I think OP’s post is directed to the parents of privilege on DCUM. I agree more grace and education are needed for kids without those skills and that professors should provide that where needed (it’s crucial to social mobility!). But if you’re a parent on here and able, I agree you should be helping your middle or high schooler recognize where their tone isn’t appropriate in an email, where they are putting a burden on the teacher (or future boss!) to answer something easily found elsewhere, etc. It’s an important lifelong skill. And some kids will need more help with it than others.

+1

We made our kids contact adults for themselves starting in MS via phone or email. They hated doing it, but it's important for kids to learn to 1. advocate for themselves and 2. know how to speak respectfully to another adult, and not like they are their friends (as in.. "yo".).

My DC is a freshman in college now, and I have read their emails to adults, and it is respectful. At times, I've had to help them rewrite the email to make it more clear, and explain to them why that email that they wrote was not clear.

These are learned skills, believe it or not, like budgeting. I get emails at work that are not clear, and it drives me crazy.

As for the "read the syllabus", ITA.. I get that at work, too, and sometimes, I'm guilty of it. And yea, it's laziness, or "I don't have time (or want) to read through it; can you give me the summary". This one person I used to work with was the absolute worst. He was fired because he was just lazy. That was a symptom of his laziness. When my kids would ask me something about some subject I would make them google it, and then we'd discuss. When they were younger, and they'd ask me how to spell something, I'd ask them, "How do you think it's spelled"? They'd have to first try to figure it out, and then I'd help them.

Funny story: DC was working at a tutoring place when a little kid asked DC how to spell some word. DC said, "How do you think you spell it?", and DC realized my words were coming out of their mouths and laughed.

I recently saw some article that stated that Americans are less likely than a lot of other countries to value good manners. We value hard work and independence, but not manners.

Unfortunately, technology moves fast. My kid interned for a tech company and they communicate via slack and through some dischord channels and very little email.

If you didn't know it was a company and looked at the screen, you might think it was teenagers speaking to each other through a combination of words and emojis.

PP here.. I actually work for a tech company.

We use a chat feature a lot, too, and yea, those are more casual, with the "yo's" and "bros". That's fine; I use it, too.

But you would not write such an email to your manager or wider audience. I cringe when I see those types of emails, though it is rare. Upper management is made up of mostly genxers and older millennials.

[Anonymous]

I know someone who thinks their kid will figure out all this stuff on their own once it matters to them. They'll shower daily when they meet someone they want to impress. (Kid walks around the house with greasy hair and stinky after soccer practice while they do homework and eat dinner with the family.) They'll learn to use good table manners when they've been invited to meet their boyfriend's family instead of chewing with their mouth open and picking up food with their hands. I feel bad for the kids of parents like this. If they lived in a low-income area people would assume their parents were out all night and neglecting them. But wealthy white parents can get away with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:dear college professor,

why did you go into education if you are not willing to do the job of educating people?

you sound like the kind of professor that nobody says take their class, they are awesome.

signed most people

Profs are subject matter experts, not etiquette or communication educators.

+1

-1

If you want a pure SME role, don’t go into education at any level. Professors often wear many hats, one of which is teaching. If it’s *that* odious, find a different use of your subject matter expertise.

This is utterly ridiculous. You're probably one of those people who think kindergarten teachers should wipe kids' butts. Sorry, no. Some things need to be taught by parents. If your children are rude and feral that's on you, not anyone else.

Nope! But I am someone with a PhD who chose a less common career path than most in my field, specifically because I knew how I did and did not want to use my degree. I have zero sympathy for professors who choose academia and then whine about teaching responsibilities.

Moreover, how are these brilliant SMEs going to communicate their precious knowledge if they can’t, you know, communicate and teach? Telepathy? I don’t disagree at all that kids to learn independence and life skills. My elementary schoolers do their own laundry. That doesn’t give a professor the right to be a glassbowl to their students.

Sigh. The professors signed up to teach organic chemistry, or linguistics, or French literature, not how to write an email.

[Anonymous]

WHAT IS WITH THE EARBUDS?!? I don't understand why kids wear one all the time. Are they listening to music all day? Even when they're trying to talk to someone?

Between this and another thread about how often kids are on their phones, I feel like we need to teach kids how to function without their hand on their phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent, I’ve been giving feedback to my kids on their emails to teachers and other adults since middle school. Fully recognize my privilege but I think OP’s post is directed to the parents of privilege on DCUM. I agree more grace and education are needed for kids without those skills and that professors should provide that where needed (it’s crucial to social mobility!). But if you’re a parent on here and able, I agree you should be helping your middle or high schooler recognize where their tone isn’t appropriate in an email, where they are putting a burden on the teacher (or future boss!) to answer something easily found elsewhere, etc. It’s an important lifelong skill. And some kids will need more help with it than others.

+1

We made our kids contact adults for themselves starting in MS via phone or email. They hated doing it, but it's important for kids to learn to 1. advocate for themselves and 2. know how to speak respectfully to another adult, and not like they are their friends (as in.. "yo".).

My DC is a freshman in college now, and I have read their emails to adults, and it is respectful. At times, I've had to help them rewrite the email to make it more clear, and explain to them why that email that they wrote was not clear.

These are learned skills, believe it or not, like budgeting. I get emails at work that are not clear, and it drives me crazy.

As for the "read the syllabus", ITA.. I get that at work, too, and sometimes, I'm guilty of it. And yea, it's laziness, or "I don't have time (or want) to read through it; can you give me the summary". This one person I used to work with was the absolute worst. He was fired because he was just lazy. That was a symptom of his laziness. When my kids would ask me something about some subject I would make them google it, and then we'd discuss. When they were younger, and they'd ask me how to spell something, I'd ask them, "How do you think it's spelled"? They'd have to first try to figure it out, and then I'd help them.

Funny story: DC was working at a tutoring place when a little kid asked DC how to spell some word. DC said, "How do you think you spell it?", and DC realized my words were coming out of their mouths and laughed.

I recently saw some article that stated that Americans are less likely than a lot of other countries to value good manners. We value hard work and independence, but not manners.

Unfortunately, technology moves fast. My kid interned for a tech company and they communicate via slack and through some dischord channels and very little email.

If you didn't know it was a company and looked at the screen, you might think it was teenagers speaking to each other through a combination of words and emojis.

PP here.. I actually work for a tech company.

We use a chat feature a lot, too, and yea, those are more casual, with the "yo's" and "bros". That's fine; I use it, too.

But you would not write such an email to your manager or wider audience. I cringe when I see those types of emails, though it is rare. Upper management is made up of mostly genxers and older millennials.

I hear you. His company is a start-up with only about 25 people and the CEO is like 30 and often part of these chats. My kid has had to interact with outside customers, so knows how to act differently with that segment (although some of the contacts are young and are part of these chats).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:dear college professor,

why did you go into education if you are not willing to do the job of educating people?

you sound like the kind of professor that nobody says take their class, they are awesome.

signed most people

Most professors are researchers, but most pure research positions are based at universities and thus come with a requirement to teach (and hiring for these positions is done on the basis of research accomplishments, not teaching skill). We're not trained to teach, and many of us would honestly prefer to find pure research positions, but the current system is set up such that we have to do both. If you want your kid to have professors who are primarily educators, send them to a SLAC or non-R1 institution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:dear college professor,

why did you go into education if you are not willing to do the job of educating people?

you sound like the kind of professor that nobody says take their class, they are awesome.

signed most people

Dear Nitwit,

It is not the job of professors to teach kids to work hard, be respectful, write proper emails, bathe, do laundry, and show up on time. That's the job of parents, many of whom are failing.

Signed,

Not the OP

the nitwit- me has two in college having a great time and doing just fine. college teachers are just like government workers protected in their jobs and think they are above everyone.

i'm sure the op has some shortcomings in life and isn't so perfect.
+1 That ^PP is a nitwit and probably thinks the adults (professors and admins) at the college are supposed to takeover as their kid's parent.

Dear nitwit,

It sounds like your kid is not ready to go away to college.

Signed,

Parent of college and HS aged kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Prof,

I have been working on these and other skills for years with my ADHD/ASD kid.

He will mess up, despite being explicitly taught these things. He's in contact with the disability office and has already asked you for his extended time.

He had high stats and is an academic, intellectual person, which is why your place of employment accepted him. Sorry, but he's always going to be an absent-minded professor type, and his brain is somewhere in the vicinity of Pluto most of the time.

And you know who it hurts most? Not you. HIM. He is destined to go through life with ADHD and ASD and all his social quirks. You've only got to suffer him for your class. He has to suffer himself for life.

Best regards,

Mom.

Oh FFS stop using their disabilities like a crutch. The professor is right and if your poor addled ADHD kids you have probably hovered over and made excuses for and bulldozed a path for over the years can’t meet basic expectations, you failed them.

Would you say that to someone in a wheelchair? Obviously you have no clue about how hard it is to have a kid with Autism/ADD and in my case epilopsy. So glad you have it figured out that you blame the mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:College professor year. I've been a professor for 24 years and every year it's worse! Parents please try to nix these behaviors in your HS kids before they go to college AND teach them a few basic life skills. I promise spending some time on these will ensure your kid has a better experience in college and in life.

Behaviors to nix:
1. Asking a question instead of looking at the syllabus or, frankly, using google. I can't tell you how many times a lazy kid will ask me something in class that is on the syllabus, and/or I've said repeatedly in class, and/or has nothing to do with the class that they could easily figure out on their own. It all comes down to pure LAZINESS.

2. Give your kid consequences for bad behavior like being disrespectful, being late, talking during class, getting up and stomping out of the classroom, anything like that. These kids today are clearly being raised without consequence.

3. Have your kid practice sending you and email, with you being the professor. Make sure they know how to properly address the person. Make sure they know how to type full sentences and make their question clear.

I routinely get emails like this:

Yo, whats on the test and do I need to read the textbook please let me know right away.

Notice that they 1) don't identify what class they are referring to, they don't really have a question I can answer, and they clearly didn't spend much time thinking about or writing the email. I usually just ignore this or send a quick reply to refer to the syllabus.

4) Do NOT, and I mean do NOT, tell them that if they have an issue with a professor that they should call you (the parent) and let you (the parent) contact the professor. I don't care who you are, there's this law called FERPA which means I can't discuss your kid's academic record unless they are present and have given permission to do so. Furthermore, I like to treat your kid as an adult and you probably should too.

I could go on but I won't.

Now for essential life skills:

A. For god's sakes teach them how to do laundry and have basic pride in their personal cleanliness. I can't tell you how many times some kid walks into my office stinking to high heaven and wearing clothes that look like they haven't been washed for weeks. Now I would normally think perhaps they struggle financially but when they whip out their iphone 14 or 15 and talk to with me airpods in, it makes me think they probably can afford to do laundry. They just don't and/or they don't know how.

B. How to set an alarm clock. Every quarter some kid misses an exam because they slept in and then they get mad when I won't let them take a makeup exam.

C. Same thing with how to use a calendar and write down important dates.

D. Finally, tell them to take out their airpods and put their phone down when speaking to someone. It's really disrespectful when a kid comes to my office and won't even lift their head up from their phone.

Public school kids. Would not happen with most private school kids, sorry.

So not true. Private school kids are probably used to the maid washing their clothes.

[Anonymous]

Most of what OP described are learned skills.

No matter what format, your kid needs to be able to write a clear message.

And do their own laundry. They won't magically be able to do it when they go to college.

And understand what's is expected of them, and read instructions.

I left academe 10 years ago and my former colleagues have remarked that I got out just in time.

Just had the awful experience of firing a staff member who lied on his resume because otherwise, he explained, he "wouldn't have received an offer". After hiring we found out he only did internships with his parents' friends, and was apparently coddled through undergrad AND grad school. Couldn't communicate, couldn't do the work, and expected a raise.

He probably did have ASD, but that really isn't a problem in our work environment, lots of people have ASD. He just couldn't perform in a very basic manner, like keeping track of his work assignments and reading instructions. It blew my mind.

At some point your kids have to learn these basic skills or else a white collar career of any type is not for them, which is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Prof,

I have been working on these and other skills for years with my ADHD/ASD kid.

He will mess up, despite being explicitly taught these things. He's in contact with the disability office and has already asked you for his extended time.

He had high stats and is an academic, intellectual person, which is why your place of employment accepted him. Sorry, but he's always going to be an absent-minded professor type, and his brain is somewhere in the vicinity of Pluto most of the time.

And you know who it hurts most? Not you. HIM. He is destined to go through life with ADHD and ASD and all his social quirks. You've only got to suffer him for your class. He has to suffer himself for life.

Best regards,

Mom.

Oh FFS stop using their disabilities like a crutch. The professor is right and if your poor addled ADHD kids you have probably hovered over and made excuses for and bulldozed a path for over the years can’t meet basic expectations, you failed them.

dp.. obviously, people with ADHD have a harder time, but seriously, you cannot keep using this crutch into the workplace. Your boss won't care that you miss deadlines, and your coworkers won't care if you have adhd when you smell so badly no one wants to be in the conference room with you.

I often wonder what the plan is for all these SNs college grads. Do you steer them into becoming a CPA or actuary or computer programmer, etc. where they perhaps don't have to interact much with clients/customers? I mean the descriptions seem to indicate they have real problems functioning in the world.

A lot of them become academics actually. Please stop wondering about our children since it has no impact on you.

Huh...the SNs kids that have trouble functioning in college become academics. Strange why the various parents seem to claim OP is targeting them.

If that's true, then SN parents can definitely offer the OP the grace they deserve.

Tbh, the OP does sound like they are SN, and SN parents should be more kind. We are working together here.

[Anonymous]

The number of parents I get who reach out to contact me increases each semester.

I had a parent this semester reach out to introduce herself Male Student's Mom. She also let me know that I should feel free to text her if her son is missing class or assignments.

The others in my department had a good laugh over that one!

In 20 years of being a professor, I can think of exactly one time in which it was appropriate for the parent to contact me: the student was in an accident during fall break and in a coma. The parents had no idea what to do so they emailed all their child's professors and the dean of their child's program. Did they ask for anything? No. It was purely information in a FYI, see that this reaches the appropriate channels situation. The student made a full recovery and came back for fall semester the following year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of what OP described are learned skills.

No matter what format, your kid needs to be able to write a clear message.

And do their own laundry. They won't magically be able to do it when they go to college.

And understand what's is expected of them, and read instructions.

I left academe 10 years ago and my former colleagues have remarked that I got out just in time.

Just had the awful experience of firing a staff member who lied on his resume because otherwise, he explained, he "wouldn't have received an offer". After hiring we found out he only did internships with his parents' friends, and was apparently coddled through undergrad AND grad school. Couldn't communicate, couldn't do the work, and expected a raise.

He probably did have ASD, but that really isn't a problem in our work environment, lots of people have ASD. He just couldn't perform in a very basic manner, like keeping track of his work assignments and reading instructions. It blew my mind.

At some point your kids have to learn these basic skills or else a white collar career of any type is not for them, which is fine.

Love that line.

[Anonymous]

Haha, OP. I am a college professor and laugh about this stuff all the time. I love teaching and the students but their naive self-confidence astounds me. How often do they walk into my office hours a couple days before a term paper is due and exclaim, "I have NO CLUE what to write my paper on." One time, in such a situation, after I had talked to a student for an hour, she thanked me for a "great talk" and asked if I could email her the notes from our meeting! Don't they know I am in charge of grading them?!

It really is stunning. I still love them, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Prof,

I have been working on these and other skills for years with my ADHD/ASD kid.

He will mess up, despite being explicitly taught these things. He's in contact with the disability office and has already asked you for his extended time.

He had high stats and is an academic, intellectual person, which is why your place of employment accepted him. Sorry, but he's always going to be an absent-minded professor type, and his brain is somewhere in the vicinity of Pluto most of the time.

And you know who it hurts most? Not you. HIM. He is destined to go through life with ADHD and ASD and all his social quirks. You've only got to suffer him for your class. He has to suffer himself for life.

Best regards,

Mom.

Oh FFS stop using their disabilities like a crutch. The professor is right and if your poor addled ADHD kids you have probably hovered over and made excuses for and bulldozed a path for over the years can’t meet basic expectations, you failed them.

Not PP, but you obviously do not have a neuro-divergent kid, which is probably a good thing given your attitude.

18 ADHD kids often need a bit more direction, even if you worked to help them be independent in HS. My ADHD son was independent in HS, dealt with all teachers himself and worked hard to deal with ADHD, lack of EF, anxiety, and all his social quirks, etc. He managed a 3.6 UW in HS and got into a great college. But taking things to the next level in College was challenging, and while HE did everything himself, he did need me to assist him with working thru what to do/putting a plan in place. When things go wrong in their mind, they spiral downward quickly. And yeah, I will help them determine the right pathway and what they need to do next---it's my $50K+/year and I want my kid to succeed and launch themself into being a successful adult.

Note: said kid graduated in 4 years, after a disastrous first year and major change (from what he'd dreamed of being since age 10), started work immediately at a great company living alone 2K miles from home, got excellent reviews for first 2 years of work and gotten promotions and excellent raises. Had I not helped them figure things out at 18/19 they'd have dropped out and who knows what. Instead he's an independent adult with a great job/career.