Parents- nix these behaviors in your kids before they go to college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent, I’ve been giving feedback to my kids on their emails to teachers and other adults since middle school. Fully recognize my privilege but I think OP’s post is directed to the parents of privilege on DCUM. I agree more grace and education are needed for kids without those skills and that professors should provide that where needed (it’s crucial to social mobility!). But if you’re a parent on here and able, I agree you should be helping your middle or high schooler recognize where their tone isn’t appropriate in an email, where they are putting a burden on the teacher (or future boss!) to answer something easily found elsewhere, etc. It’s an important lifelong skill. And some kids will need more help with it than others.

+1

We made our kids contact adults for themselves starting in MS via phone or email. They hated doing it, but it's important for kids to learn to 1. advocate for themselves and 2. know how to speak respectfully to another adult, and not like they are their friends (as in.. "yo".).

My DC is a freshman in college now, and I have read their emails to adults, and it is respectful. At times, I've had to help them rewrite the email to make it more clear, and explain to them why that email that they wrote was not clear.

These are learned skills, believe it or not, like budgeting. I get emails at work that are not clear, and it drives me crazy.

As for the "read the syllabus", ITA.. I get that at work, too, and sometimes, I'm guilty of it. And yea, it's laziness, or "I don't have time (or want) to read through it; can you give me the summary". This one person I used to work with was the absolute worst. He was fired because he was just lazy. That was a symptom of his laziness. When my kids would ask me something about some subject I would make them google it, and then we'd discuss. When they were younger, and they'd ask me how to spell something, I'd ask them, "How do you think it's spelled"? They'd have to first try to figure it out, and then I'd help them.

Funny story: DC was working at a tutoring place when a little kid asked DC how to spell some word. DC said, "How do you think you spell it?", and DC realized my words were coming out of their mouths and laughed.

I recently saw some article that stated that Americans are less likely than a lot of other countries to value good manners. We value hard work and independence, but not manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Prof,

I have been working on these and other skills for years with my ADHD/ASD kid.

He will mess up, despite being explicitly taught these things. He's in contact with the disability office and has already asked you for his extended time.

He had high stats and is an academic, intellectual person, which is why your place of employment accepted him. Sorry, but he's always going to be an absent-minded professor type, and his brain is somewhere in the vicinity of Pluto most of the time.

And you know who it hurts most? Not you. HIM. He is destined to go through life with ADHD and ASD and all his social quirks. You've only got to suffer him for your class. He has to suffer himself for life.

Best regards,

Mom.

Oh FFS stop using their disabilities like a crutch. The professor is right and if your poor addled ADHD kids you have probably hovered over and made excuses for and bulldozed a path for over the years can’t meet basic expectations, you failed them.

dp.. obviously, people with ADHD have a harder time, but seriously, you cannot keep using this crutch into the workplace. Your boss won't care that you miss deadlines, and your coworkers won't care if you have adhd when you smell so badly no one wants to be in the conference room with you.

I often wonder what the plan is for all these SNs college grads. Do you steer them into becoming a CPA or actuary or computer programmer, etc. where they perhaps don't have to interact much with clients/customers? I mean the descriptions seem to indicate they have real problems functioning in the world.

A lot of them become academics actually. Please stop wondering about our children since it has no impact on you.

Huh...the SNs kids that have trouble functioning in college become academics. Strange why the various parents seem to claim OP is targeting them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another professor here.

Disagree strongly with your email etiquette gripe. Not all kids have the benefit of being born into a family or attending a high school that conveys these skills. As educators, yes, even college educators with precious research agendas, it's our job to convey knowledge but also soft skills. Or at least point students in the right direction and have tolerance and empathy as they learn. It sounds like you teach Freshmen, so you especially should temper the expectation that all students arrive on campus "polished."

Honestly, it's annoying when students are rude and lacking any motivation. But unless every single student you teach is privileged, which how could you know that?, have some empathy and patience and don't assume the worst and be a positive force. Take 5 minutes to talk about these things to get everyone up to speed. THEN you can complain. But asking parents to teach this stuff so you don't have to is ignorant to the fact that not all parents can.

Rant over!

It does not require "privilege" to learn proper email etiquette. This information is now freely available on the internet. Nor does it require "privilege" to have good manners and high motivation. In fact, those without privilege should be even more highly motivated to learn manners and work hard so they can escape their un-privileged condition despite having parents who "can't" teach manners and motivation. Enough with the weaksauce excuses.

If you are not motivated, what are you even doing in college? Just checking the box?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:dear college professor,

why did you go into education if you are not willing to do the job of educating people?

you sound like the kind of professor that nobody says take their class, they are awesome.

signed most people

Dear Nitwit,

It is not the job of professors to teach kids to work hard, be respectful, write proper emails, bathe, do laundry, and show up on time. That's the job of parents, many of whom are failing.

Signed,

Not the OP

+1 That ^PP is a nitwit and probably thinks the adults (professors and admins) at the college are supposed to takeover as their kid's parent.

Dear nitwit,

It sounds like your kid is not ready to go away to college.

Signed,

Parent of college and HS aged kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Prof,

I have been working on these and other skills for years with my ADHD/ASD kid.

He will mess up, despite being explicitly taught these things. He's in contact with the disability office and has already asked you for his extended time.

He had high stats and is an academic, intellectual person, which is why your place of employment accepted him. Sorry, but he's always going to be an absent-minded professor type, and his brain is somewhere in the vicinity of Pluto most of the time.

And you know who it hurts most? Not you. HIM. He is destined to go through life with ADHD and ASD and all his social quirks. You've only got to suffer him for your class. He has to suffer himself for life.

Best regards,

Mom.

Oh FFS stop using their disabilities like a crutch. The professor is right and if your poor addled ADHD kids you have probably hovered over and made excuses for and bulldozed a path for over the years can’t meet basic expectations, you failed them.

dp.. obviously, people with ADHD have a harder time, but seriously, you cannot keep using this crutch into the workplace. Your boss won't care that you miss deadlines, and your coworkers won't care if you have adhd when you smell so badly no one wants to be in the conference room with you.

I often wonder what the plan is for all these SNs college grads. Do you steer them into becoming a CPA or actuary or computer programmer, etc. where they perhaps don't have to interact much with clients/customers? I mean the descriptions seem to indicate they have real problems functioning in the world.

A lot of them become academics actually. Please stop wondering about our children since it has no impact on you.

Huh...the SNs kids that have trouble functioning in college become academics. Strange why the various parents seem to claim OP is targeting them.

You know, because they are actually smart and a lot of the shit that OP mentioned really doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

I generally agree with the points, just not the tone.

I have a comment about the syllabus, though. Most high school kids have never seen a detailed college syllabus. They don't exist at the high school level.
My freshman called me one night to report her shock that her professors had the entire semester's content and schedule in one document. She was surprised that they don't just give out the next topic or test date in class a week or so in advance, as teachers had done at every level of her prior schooling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:dear college professor,

why did you go into education if you are not willing to do the job of educating people?

you sound like the kind of professor that nobody says take their class, they are awesome.

signed most people

Profs are subject matter experts, not etiquette or communication educators.

+1

-1

If you want a pure SME role, don’t go into education at any level. Professors often wear many hats, one of which is teaching. If it’s *that* odious, find a different use of your subject matter expertise.

This is utterly ridiculous. You're probably one of those people who think kindergarten teachers should wipe kids' butts. Sorry, no. Some things need to be taught by parents. If your children are rude and feral that's on you, not anyone else.

Nope! But I am someone with a PhD who chose a less common career path than most in my field, specifically because I knew how I did and did not want to use my degree. I have zero sympathy for professors who choose academia and then whine about teaching responsibilities.

Moreover, how are these brilliant SMEs going to communicate their precious knowledge if they can’t, you know, communicate and teach? Telepathy? I don’t disagree at all that kids to learn independence and life skills. My elementary schoolers do their own laundry. That doesn’t give a professor the right to be a glassbowl to their students.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another professor here.

Disagree strongly with your email etiquette gripe. Not all kids have the benefit of being born into a family or attending a high school that conveys these skills. As educators, yes, even college educators with precious research agendas, it's our job to convey knowledge but also soft skills. Or at least point students in the right direction and have tolerance and empathy as they learn. It sounds like you teach Freshmen, so you especially should temper the expectation that all students arrive on campus "polished."

Honestly, it's annoying when students are rude and lacking any motivation. But unless every single student you teach is privileged, which how could you know that?, have some empathy and patience and don't assume the worst and be a positive force. Take 5 minutes to talk about these things to get everyone up to speed. THEN you can complain. But asking parents to teach this stuff so you don't have to is ignorant to the fact that not all parents can.

Rant over!

It does not require "privilege" to learn proper email etiquette. This information is now freely available on the internet. Nor does it require "privilege" to have good manners and high motivation. In fact, those without privilege should be even more highly motivated to learn manners and work hard so they can escape their un-privileged condition despite having parents who "can't" teach manners and motivation. Enough with the weaksauce excuses.

If you are not motivated, what are you even doing in college? Just checking the box?

+1 my uneducated blue collar parents taught us to be respectful and have good manners. You don't need wealth to teach those things. That's ridiculous. Oh, and they immigrants who don't speak much English.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Prof,

I have been working on these and other skills for years with my ADHD/ASD kid.

He will mess up, despite being explicitly taught these things. He's in contact with the disability office and has already asked you for his extended time.

He had high stats and is an academic, intellectual person, which is why your place of employment accepted him. Sorry, but he's always going to be an absent-minded professor type, and his brain is somewhere in the vicinity of Pluto most of the time.

And you know who it hurts most? Not you. HIM. He is destined to go through life with ADHD and ASD and all his social quirks. You've only got to suffer him for your class. He has to suffer himself for life.

Best regards,

Mom.

Oh FFS stop using their disabilities like a crutch. The professor is right and if your poor addled ADHD kids you have probably hovered over and made excuses for and bulldozed a path for over the years can’t meet basic expectations, you failed them.

dp.. obviously, people with ADHD have a harder time, but seriously, you cannot keep using this crutch into the workplace. Your boss won't care that you miss deadlines, and your coworkers won't care if you have adhd when you smell so badly no one wants to be in the conference room with you.

I often wonder what the plan is for all these SNs college grads. Do you steer them into becoming a CPA or actuary or computer programmer, etc. where they perhaps don't have to interact much with clients/customers? I mean the descriptions seem to indicate they have real problems functioning in the world.

A lot of them become academics actually. Please stop wondering about our children since it has no impact on you.

Huh...the SNs kids that have trouble functioning in college become academics. Strange why the various parents seem to claim OP is targeting them.

You know, because they are actually smart and a lot of the shit that OP mentioned really doesn't matter.

Are these academics that just do research, or are they out teaching? If many become academics, and OP is an academic...just surprised he would then not have many colleagues who are essentially just like the students he seems to dislike.

[Anonymous]

OP where do you teach?

Not specifically, but a SLAC? Medium sized private? Large state school? Well-known regional? How selective?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Prof,

I have been working on these and other skills for years with my ADHD/ASD kid.

He will mess up, despite being explicitly taught these things. He's in contact with the disability office and has already asked you for his extended time.

He had high stats and is an academic, intellectual person, which is why your place of employment accepted him. Sorry, but he's always going to be an absent-minded professor type, and his brain is somewhere in the vicinity of Pluto most of the time.

And you know who it hurts most? Not you. HIM. He is destined to go through life with ADHD and ASD and all his social quirks. You've only got to suffer him for your class. He has to suffer himself for life.

Best regards,

Mom.

This. I have two SN kids - yes working with Disability Services at both schools - Professor needs to realize that not every child can measure up to his expectations. Learn some charity

If your child can’t meet basic expectations they are in the wrong place. Just because someone can score high points on tests doesn’t mean they should be at a demanding university.

[Anonymous]

The person who started the thread comes off as a douche with their tone but I do admit they struck a nerve here. When that happens it usually means there’s some element of truth in what they wrote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent, I’ve been giving feedback to my kids on their emails to teachers and other adults since middle school. Fully recognize my privilege but I think OP’s post is directed to the parents of privilege on DCUM. I agree more grace and education are needed for kids without those skills and that professors should provide that where needed (it’s crucial to social mobility!). But if you’re a parent on here and able, I agree you should be helping your middle or high schooler recognize where their tone isn’t appropriate in an email, where they are putting a burden on the teacher (or future boss!) to answer something easily found elsewhere, etc. It’s an important lifelong skill. And some kids will need more help with it than others.

+1

We made our kids contact adults for themselves starting in MS via phone or email. They hated doing it, but it's important for kids to learn to 1. advocate for themselves and 2. know how to speak respectfully to another adult, and not like they are their friends (as in.. "yo".).

My DC is a freshman in college now, and I have read their emails to adults, and it is respectful. At times, I've had to help them rewrite the email to make it more clear, and explain to them why that email that they wrote was not clear.

These are learned skills, believe it or not, like budgeting. I get emails at work that are not clear, and it drives me crazy.

As for the "read the syllabus", ITA.. I get that at work, too, and sometimes, I'm guilty of it. And yea, it's laziness, or "I don't have time (or want) to read through it; can you give me the summary". This one person I used to work with was the absolute worst. He was fired because he was just lazy. That was a symptom of his laziness. When my kids would ask me something about some subject I would make them google it, and then we'd discuss. When they were younger, and they'd ask me how to spell something, I'd ask them, "How do you think it's spelled"? They'd have to first try to figure it out, and then I'd help them.

Funny story: DC was working at a tutoring place when a little kid asked DC how to spell some word. DC said, "How do you think you spell it?", and DC realized my words were coming out of their mouths and laughed.

I recently saw some article that stated that Americans are less likely than a lot of other countries to value good manners. We value hard work and independence, but not manners.

Unfortunately, technology moves fast. My kid interned for a tech company and they communicate via slack and through some dischord channels and very little email.

If you didn't know it was a company and looked at the screen, you might think it was teenagers speaking to each other through a combination of words and emojis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Prof,

I have been working on these and other skills for years with my ADHD/ASD kid.

He will mess up, despite being explicitly taught these things. He's in contact with the disability office and has already asked you for his extended time.

He had high stats and is an academic, intellectual person, which is why your place of employment accepted him. Sorry, but he's always going to be an absent-minded professor type, and his brain is somewhere in the vicinity of Pluto most of the time.

And you know who it hurts most? Not you. HIM. He is destined to go through life with ADHD and ASD and all his social quirks. You've only got to suffer him for your class. He has to suffer himself for life.

Best regards,

Mom.

This. I have two SN kids - yes working with Disability Services at both schools - Professor needs to realize that not every child can measure up to his expectations. Learn some charity

If your child can’t meet basic expectations they are in the wrong place. Just because someone can score high points on tests doesn’t mean they should be at a demanding university.

HAHAHAHHAHA that's exactly what it means sweet cheeks. The university thought so too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Prof,

I have been working on these and other skills for years with my ADHD/ASD kid.

He will mess up, despite being explicitly taught these things. He's in contact with the disability office and has already asked you for his extended time.

He had high stats and is an academic, intellectual person, which is why your place of employment accepted him. Sorry, but he's always going to be an absent-minded professor type, and his brain is somewhere in the vicinity of Pluto most of the time.

And you know who it hurts most? Not you. HIM. He is destined to go through life with ADHD and ASD and all his social quirks. You've only got to suffer him for your class. He has to suffer himself for life.

Best regards,

Mom.

Oh FFS stop using their disabilities like a crutch. The professor is right and if your poor addled ADHD kids you have probably hovered over and made excuses for and bulldozed a path for over the years can’t meet basic expectations, you failed them.

dp.. obviously, people with ADHD have a harder time, but seriously, you cannot keep using this crutch into the workplace. Your boss won't care that you miss deadlines, and your coworkers won't care if you have adhd when you smell so badly no one wants to be in the conference room with you.

I often wonder what the plan is for all these SNs college grads. Do you steer them into becoming a CPA or actuary or computer programmer, etc. where they perhaps don't have to interact much with clients/customers? I mean the descriptions seem to indicate they have real problems functioning in the world.

A lot of them become academics actually. Please stop wondering about our children since it has no impact on you.

Huh...the SNs kids that have trouble functioning in college become academics. Strange why the various parents seem to claim OP is targeting them.

If that's true, then SN parents can definitely offer the OP the grace they deserve.