Parents- nix these behaviors in your kids before they go to college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haha, OP. I am a college professor and laugh about this stuff all the time. I love teaching and the students but their naive self-confidence astounds me. How often do they walk into my office hours a couple days before a term paper is due and exclaim, "I have NO CLUE what to write my paper on." One time, in such a situation, after I had talked to a student for an hour, she thanked me for a "great talk" and asked if I could email her the notes from our meeting! Don't they know I am in charge of grading them?!

This was an opportunity to tell her, "When you someday have a job and your supervisor calls you in to tell you something she needs you to do, bring a pad and pen so you can take notes. Not a good look to ask your supervisor to send you notes from the meeting with her."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Prof,

I have been working on these and other skills for years with my ADHD/ASD kid.

He will mess up, despite being explicitly taught these things. He's in contact with the disability office and has already asked you for his extended time.

He had high stats and is an academic, intellectual person, which is why your place of employment accepted him. Sorry, but he's always going to be an absent-minded professor type, and his brain is somewhere in the vicinity of Pluto most of the time.

And you know who it hurts most? Not you. HIM. He is destined to go through life with ADHD and ASD and all his social quirks. You've only got to suffer him for your class. He has to suffer himself for life.

Best regards,

Mom.

This. I have two SN kids - yes working with Disability Services at both schools - Professor needs to realize that not every child can measure up to his expectations. Learn some charity

If your child can’t meet basic expectations they are in the wrong place. Just because someone can score high points on tests doesn’t mean they should be at a demanding university.

HAHAHAHHAHA that's exactly what it means sweet cheeks. The university thought so too.

dp.. and what would happen if such a kid turned in assignments late, failed exams because they couldn't bother to read the instructions the prof had written down on a handout?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP where do you teach?

Not specifically, but a SLAC? Medium sized private? Large state school? Well-known regional? How selective?

+1

A certain large SLAC comes to mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:dear college professor,

why did you go into education if you are not willing to do the job of educating people?

you sound like the kind of professor that nobody says take their class, they are awesome.

signed most people

Dear Nitwit,

It is not the job of professors to teach kids to work hard, be respectful, write proper emails, bathe, do laundry, and show up on time. That's the job of parents, many of whom are failing.

Signed,

Not the OP

the nitwit- me has two in college having a great time and doing just fine. college teachers are just like government workers protected in their jobs and think they are above everyone.

i'm sure the op has some shortcomings in life and isn't so perfect.
+1 That ^PP is a nitwit and probably thinks the adults (professors and admins) at the college are supposed to takeover as their kid's parent.

Dear nitwit,

It sounds like your kid is not ready to go away to college.

Signed,

Parent of college and HS aged kids

So you think college professors think they are above everyone else, and you expect them to coddle your kids? You probably contact them if your kid gets a bad grade, don't you.

[Anonymous]

Our company has an MOU with a university which means we get a lot of interns, including short-term interns who are doing the work for credit as a experiential portion of a class. These latter often have a very wide range of behavior/soft skills. This prof is giving good advice--it's sort of astonishing how hard parents work to get their kid into a good college, but don't focus as much on relatively easier basics which will make it more likely they are successful with work and will get a good recommendation. The vast majority of interns are academically/intellectually strong enough--what differentiates them is not who is more brilliant, but who is reliable, basically self-aware and can pick up on the very basics of code-switching (i.e. you don't talk to your clients or boss the way you talk to your friends). There are some students that I can tell are likely competent and probably just need to grow up a bit, but I'm not going to put my reputation on the line recommending them for further opportunities if they lack basic work etiquette and don't seem to pick it up in the short term intern class stint. So for some students the experiential learning stint leads to further opportunities and for others it closes the doors. And this is not a SN thing, in my experience many of the students on the spectrum/ADHD tend to work a bit more at this because they are often a little more nervous and so they are more careful to dress well, pay attention to the norms, try to be organized. They are likely to ask questions to confirm they are doing good work. It's the ones who think they have nothing they need to work on, who are blasé about the work, that are the ones who are often the most problematic. And they are killing their chances to get the strongest recommendations from their profs and short-term intern supervisors (the recommendation forms typically ask about intellectual skills and academic skills, and more soft skills/dispositions around social interactions/leadership/conscientiousness). And for those who thought private/public school background is a key factor--I don't think that's accurate. In my personal experiences, some of the biggest offenders are UMC young men--many of whom come from private HS--and the university we work with is a private school that tends to skew UMC. Maybe they are just confident they will have opportunities no matter what, but it seems a waste to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WHAT IS WITH THE EARBUDS?!? I don't understand why kids wear one all the time. Are they listening to music all day? Even when they're trying to talk to someone?

Between this and another thread about how often kids are on their phones, I feel like we need to teach kids how to function without their hand on their phone.

yea, unfortunately, their earbuds seem to be permanently attached to their ears.

It's the generation of constantly needing some form of distraction or entertainment. They can't seem to handle it just being quiet without nothing to do for even 10min.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:College professor year. I've been a professor for 24 years and every year it's worse! Parents please try to nix these behaviors in your HS kids before they go to college AND teach them a few basic life skills. I promise spending some time on these will ensure your kid has a better experience in college and in life.

Behaviors to nix:
1. Asking a question instead of looking at the syllabus or, frankly, using google. I can't tell you how many times a lazy kid will ask me something in class that is on the syllabus, and/or I've said repeatedly in class, and/or has nothing to do with the class that they could easily figure out on their own. It all comes down to pure LAZINESS.

2. Give your kid consequences for bad behavior like being disrespectful, being late, talking during class, getting up and stomping out of the classroom, anything like that. These kids today are clearly being raised without consequence.

3. Have your kid practice sending you and email, with you being the professor. Make sure they know how to properly address the person. Make sure they know how to type full sentences and make their question clear.

I routinely get emails like this:

Yo, whats on the test and do I need to read the textbook please let me know right away.

Notice that they 1) don't identify what class they are referring to, they don't really have a question I can answer, and they clearly didn't spend much time thinking about or writing the email. I usually just ignore this or send a quick reply to refer to the syllabus.

4) Do NOT, and I mean do NOT, tell them that if they have an issue with a professor that they should call you (the parent) and let you (the parent) contact the professor. I don't care who you are, there's this law called FERPA which means I can't discuss your kid's academic record unless they are present and have given permission to do so. Furthermore, I like to treat your kid as an adult and you probably should too.

I could go on but I won't.

Now for essential life skills:

A. For god's sakes teach them how to do laundry and have basic pride in their personal cleanliness. I can't tell you how many times some kid walks into my office stinking to high heaven and wearing clothes that look like they haven't been washed for weeks. Now I would normally think perhaps they struggle financially but when they whip out their iphone 14 or 15 and talk to with me airpods in, it makes me think they probably can afford to do laundry. They just don't and/or they don't know how.

B. How to set an alarm clock. Every quarter some kid misses an exam because they slept in and then they get mad when I won't let them take a makeup exam.

C. Same thing with how to use a calendar and write down important dates.

D. Finally, tell them to take out their airpods and put their phone down when speaking to someone. It's really disrespectful when a kid comes to my office and won't even lift their head up from their phone.

Thank you OP for taking time to offer such practical guidance: I have already shared your list with my DC in grade 10.

I believe that DC is well on the way with developing most of these skills -/ nonetheless, it is helpful to be able to convey why such basic life and communication skills are important from a college professor’s perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our company has an MOU with a university which means we get a lot of interns, including short-term interns who are doing the work for credit as a experiential portion of a class. These latter often have a very wide range of behavior/soft skills. This prof is giving good advice--it's sort of astonishing how hard parents work to get their kid into a good college, but don't focus as much on relatively easier basics which will make it more likely they are successful with work and will get a good recommendation. The vast majority of interns are academically/intellectually strong enough--what differentiates them is not who is more brilliant, but who is reliable, basically self-aware and can pick up on the very basics of code-switching (i.e. you don't talk to your clients or boss the way you talk to your friends). There are some students that I can tell are likely competent and probably just need to grow up a bit, but I'm not going to put my reputation on the line recommending them for further opportunities if they lack basic work etiquette and don't seem to pick it up in the short term intern class stint. So for some students the experiential learning stint leads to further opportunities and for others it closes the doors. And this is not a SN thing, in my experience many of the students on the spectrum/ADHD tend to work a bit more at this because they are often a little more nervous and so they are more careful to dress well, pay attention to the norms, try to be organized. They are likely to ask questions to confirm they are doing good work. It's the ones who think they have nothing they need to work on, who are blasé about the work, that are the ones who are often the most problematic. And they are killing their chances to get the strongest recommendations from their profs and short-term intern supervisors (the recommendation forms typically ask about intellectual skills and academic skills, and more soft skills/dispositions around social interactions/leadership/conscientiousness). And for those who thought private/public school background is a key factor--I don't think that's accurate. In my personal experiences, some of the biggest offenders are UMC young men--many of whom come from private HS--and the university we work with is a private school that tends to skew UMC. Maybe they are just confident they will have opportunities no matter what, but it seems a waste to me.

+1 My public school college freshman just went to an internship fair, and the recruiters there found them to be very professional in their interactions. They chatted for a while with my DC.

DC was in a debate team in HS, and thinks this really helped with public speaking. DH is very into manners, and we both agreed that our kids needed to be taught how to speak properly to adults and authority figures.

DC said some of their friends don't seem to know how to speak to adults whom they are not familiar with.

I've told my kids that their teachers will be more inclined to be lenient with you if you are respectful to them, and that includes speaking to them without your earbuds, making eye contact, and not speaking to them like they are your friends.

When I joke around with my kids it's fine for them to talk to me like I'm their friend, but when we have a serious conversation, I tell them to not speak to me like I'm their friend. They need to have situational awareness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another professor here.

Disagree strongly with your email etiquette gripe. Not all kids have the benefit of being born into a family or attending a high school that conveys these skills. As educators, yes, even college educators with precious research agendas, it's our job to convey knowledge but also soft skills. Or at least point students in the right direction and have tolerance and empathy as they learn. It sounds like you teach Freshmen, so you especially should temper the expectation that all students arrive on campus "polished."

Honestly, it's annoying when students are rude and lacking any motivation. But unless every single student you teach is privileged, which how could you know that?, have some empathy and patience and don't assume the worst and be a positive force. Take 5 minutes to talk about these things to get everyone up to speed. THEN you can complain. But asking parents to teach this stuff so you don't have to is ignorant to the fact that not all parents can.

Rant over!

It does not require "privilege" to learn proper email etiquette. This information is now freely available on the internet. Nor does it require "privilege" to have good manners and high motivation. In fact, those without privilege should be even more highly motivated to learn manners and work hard so they can escape their un-privileged condition despite having parents who "can't" teach manners and motivation. Enough with the weaksauce excuses.

If you are not motivated, what are you even doing in college? Just checking the box?

+1 my uneducated blue collar parents taught us to be respectful and have good manners. You don't need wealth to teach those things. That's ridiculous. Oh, and they immigrants who don't speak much English.

+2 - from another who grew up on the wrong side of the tracks, with an immigrant parent

While they may not always be remembered, manners are free and often yield huge benefits. Rudeness, however, is seldom forgotten and often has a high cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Prof,

I have been working on these and other skills for years with my ADHD/ASD kid.

He will mess up, despite being explicitly taught these things. He's in contact with the disability office and has already asked you for his extended time.

He had high stats and is an academic, intellectual person, which is why your place of employment accepted him. Sorry, but he's always going to be an absent-minded professor type, and his brain is somewhere in the vicinity of Pluto most of the time.

And you know who it hurts most? Not you. HIM. He is destined to go through life with ADHD and ASD and all his social quirks. You've only got to suffer him for your class. He has to suffer himself for life.

Best regards,

Mom.

Oh FFS stop using their disabilities like a crutch. The professor is right and if your poor addled ADHD kids you have probably hovered over and made excuses for and bulldozed a path for over the years can’t meet basic expectations, you failed them.

Not PP, but you obviously do not have a neuro-divergent kid, which is probably a good thing given your attitude.

18 ADHD kids often need a bit more direction, even if you worked to help them be independent in HS. My ADHD son was independent in HS, dealt with all teachers himself and worked hard to deal with ADHD, lack of EF, anxiety, and all his social quirks, etc. He managed a 3.6 UW in HS and got into a great college. But taking things to the next level in College was challenging, and while HE did everything himself, he did need me to assist him with working thru what to do/putting a plan in place. When things go wrong in their mind, they spiral downward quickly. And yeah, I will help them determine the right pathway and what they need to do next---it's my $50K+/year and I want my kid to succeed and launch themself into being a successful adult.

Note: said kid graduated in 4 years, after a disastrous first year and major change (from what he'd dreamed of being since age 10), started work immediately at a great company living alone 2K miles from home, got excellent reviews for first 2 years of work and gotten promotions and excellent raises. Had I not helped them figure things out at 18/19 they'd have dropped out and who knows what. Instead he's an independent adult with a great job/career.

Nice reminder that youth are works in progress. Good for your son. Youth with ADHD usually have many gifts as clearly your son does.

Many Youth lost a lot of basic life and communication skills during the Pandemic, and it was even worse for many neuro divergent youth. So it is good to have practical guidance regarding what type of behaviors professors do not want to see and what to work on in advance .

Bravo mom/dad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another professor here.

Disagree strongly with your email etiquette gripe. Not all kids have the benefit of being born into a family or attending a high school that conveys these skills. As educators, yes, even college educators with precious research agendas, it's our job to convey knowledge but also soft skills. Or at least point students in the right direction and have tolerance and empathy as they learn. It sounds like you teach Freshmen, so you especially should temper the expectation that all students arrive on campus "polished."

Honestly, it's annoying when students are rude and lacking any motivation. But unless every single student you teach is privileged, which how could you know that?, have some empathy and patience and don't assume the worst and be a positive force. Take 5 minutes to talk about these things to get everyone up to speed. THEN you can complain. But asking parents to teach this stuff so you don't have to is ignorant to the fact that not all parents can.

Rant over!

It does not require "privilege" to learn proper email etiquette. This information is now freely available on the internet. Nor does it require "privilege" to have good manners and high motivation. In fact, those without privilege should be even more highly motivated to learn manners and work hard so they can escape their un-privileged condition despite having parents who "can't" teach manners and motivation. Enough with the weaksauce excuses.

If you are not motivated, what are you even doing in college? Just checking the box?

+1 my uneducated blue collar parents taught us to be respectful and have good manners. You don't need wealth to teach those things. That's ridiculous. Oh, and they immigrants who don't speak much English.

+2 - from another who grew up on the wrong side of the tracks, with an immigrant parent

While they may not always be remembered, manners are free and often yield huge benefits. Rudeness, however, is seldom forgotten and often has a high cost.

+3

Same. No excuse. None.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't this post seem like it was written by a frustrated high school teacher?

No. As someone who works at a large university, the kids are clueless when it comes to normal interactions

[Anonymous]

The post answers speak for themselves: for the parents who can sympathize with the professor--good for you. He's not complaining about your kids. For the parents who are all defensive and think that the professor is off base--take a minute. It's your kids he's talking about. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another professor here.

Disagree strongly with your email etiquette gripe. Not all kids have the benefit of being born into a family or attending a high school that conveys these skills. As educators, yes, even college educators with precious research agendas, it's our job to convey knowledge but also soft skills. Or at least point students in the right direction and have tolerance and empathy as they learn. It sounds like you teach Freshmen, so you especially should temper the expectation that all students arrive on campus "polished."

Honestly, it's annoying when students are rude and lacking any motivation. But unless every single student you teach is privileged, which how could you know that?, have some empathy and patience and don't assume the worst and be a positive force. Take 5 minutes to talk about these things to get everyone up to speed. THEN you can complain. But asking parents to teach this stuff so you don't have to is ignorant to the fact that not all parents can.

Rant over!

I agree with OP Professor's wishes but also appreciate PP Professor's realism.

Parent here who thinks their own child is lacking email communication skills and only recently discovered.

The thing is - out child has always been independent and did great in school so we didn't get involved (nor would they have let us). They are also a kid that doesn't love social media and tries to avoid computer communication...but clearly to a fault.

I wish their (very capable) HS had covered this - and if they did - they need to do it more explicitly.

I VERY MUCH hope that their professors and their advisor at their college will cover this AND will call out students personally (of course in kind way) so they can learn.

Email communication is an important skill (even if kids don't like to communicate that way) and I wish our child had been "called out on" this (and other communication skills) before now.

They certainly won't be listening to anything we (as parents) have to say about how to communicate, especially when it comes to digital communications.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:College professor year. I've been a professor for 24 years and every year it's worse! Parents please try to nix these behaviors in your HS kids before they go to college AND teach them a few basic life skills. I promise spending some time on these will ensure your kid has a better experience in college and in life.

Behaviors to nix:
1. Asking a question instead of looking at the syllabus or, frankly, using google. I can't tell you how many times a lazy kid will ask me something in class that is on the syllabus, and/or I've said repeatedly in class, and/or has nothing to do with the class that they could easily figure out on their own. It all comes down to pure LAZINESS.

2. Give your kid consequences for bad behavior like being disrespectful, being late, talking during class, getting up and stomping out of the classroom, anything like that. These kids today are clearly being raised without consequence.

3. Have your kid practice sending you and email, with you being the professor. Make sure they know how to properly address the person. Make sure they know how to type full sentences and make their question clear.

I routinely get emails like this:

Yo, whats on the test and do I need to read the textbook please let me know right away.

Notice that they 1) don't identify what class they are referring to, they don't really have a question I can answer, and they clearly didn't spend much time thinking about or writing the email. I usually just ignore this or send a quick reply to refer to the syllabus.

4) Do NOT, and I mean do NOT, tell them that if they have an issue with a professor that they should call you (the parent) and let you (the parent) contact the professor. I don't care who you are, there's this law called FERPA which means I can't discuss your kid's academic record unless they are present and have given permission to do so. Furthermore, I like to treat your kid as an adult and you probably should too.

I could go on but I won't.

Now for essential life skills:

A. For god's sakes teach them how to do laundry and have basic pride in their personal cleanliness. I can't tell you how many times some kid walks into my office stinking to high heaven and wearing clothes that look like they haven't been washed for weeks. Now I would normally think perhaps they struggle financially but when they whip out their iphone 14 or 15 and talk to with me airpods in, it makes me think they probably can afford to do laundry. They just don't and/or they don't know how.

B. How to set an alarm clock. Every quarter some kid misses an exam because they slept in and then they get mad when I won't let them take a makeup exam.

C. Same thing with how to use a calendar and write down important dates.

D. Finally, tell them to take out their airpods and put their phone down when speaking to someone. It's really disrespectful when a kid comes to my office and won't even lift their head up from their phone.

You probably shouldn't be lobbing allegations of "disrespectful" with a post like yours. While I would agree with most, if not all, of what you say, it gets lost in the smug superiority of the tone. And the implication that kids have not dealt with many (not all) of the things listed above since . . . forever.

And, furthermore, I'd look at your own practices and policies. I've had professors do unbelievable cruel things to students. I've seem them be completely and utterly incompetent, as well as disorganized. Unless you're perfect, maybe show a little bit of respect and grace for the students and parents (esp of first years) who are dealing with an overwhelming, sometimes emotional, and expensive time in their lives. Some may be disrespectful. Others are just keeping their heads above water. Maybe recognize that.

OMG. This is the problem. People think their kids are fine.

Prof, I am curious - can you tell us roughly what type of institution you’re at?