Why don’t elderly people “get” autism?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Elderly get more self centered as they get older, like toddlers.

Because it was called m3ntally r3tarded back then and for decades.

It’s like how I am organizing and scanning pictures from the 1960s, and my mother wrote on the back of one picture that we were attending an annual Christmas party for “crippled children.”

Language changes. There’s no need to over-react and beat people up about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m at a loss with my mother. She’s in her mid-70s. I was out at the grocery store with her and we were in line when she caught the eye of one of two little boys in line behind her. The first boy carried on a short conversation with her, and then she moved on to converse with the other boy, only this caused him to have a mini-meltdown, stomping, pulling his hair and loudly screaming NO! NO! NO! at my mother. The mother of the boy simply tried to calm the boy down and ignored my mother.

In the car my mother couldn’t believe how the boy had “treated her”, and chastised the mother for not correcting him or apologizing for him. “She just let him act that way and speak to me like that!” I attempted to explain that he was likely autistic, or otherwise differently-abled, but she wasn’t having it.

Why are they so clueless about these disabilities yet claim to know everything about literally anything else?

I wonder how/why you're so clueless. How much experience has your mom had with anyone with a disability? Do you know that disabled people used to be institutionalized or otherwise hidden away? I'm 53, when my disability was diagnosed my mom was told to put me in a home. While growing up, my mom knew a family who put their disabled son in a closet when anyone came over. Kids who misbehaved at school or home were physically disciplined... no matter the reason.

Your mom doesn't "get it" because it's out of her realm of experience. Some 20/30/40 year oldest better hope nothing changes as they get older.

+1
This.
Was watching an episode of Boston Legal the other night (it's streaming on Prime). That show was filmed in the early 2000s and there was a main character on it with (obvious to me) asperger's. And one of the episodes "revealed" his diagnosis. The adult character had never heard of it before and the plot line was obviously being used as a vehicle to educate viewers. I was surprised when they mentioned that it wasn't even an acknowledged diagnosis until 1995. That seems so long ago to someone like you, OP, but to your mom, that wasn't that long ago at all. And certainly it was LONG after her kids were grown.
You should ask your mom a little more about the "way things were" back in the day to get a little more perspective about why "elderly people" just don't "get it." Society is much more open about discussing disabilities and adapting.
I also agree that children who did not behave as expected were simply physically disciplined as a matter of course. I was born in the mid-70s and I had several classroom teachers in elementary school who had paddles displayed in their rooms as a warning for misbehavior. This was considered normal. There was not effort to understand the "why" about varied spectrums of behavior. There was a standard and parents/teachers/adults enforced that standard uniformly.
You can help show compassion to your mom and demonstrate compassion for that child at the same time.

[Anonymous]

I don't think that the medicalisation / diagnosis of every personality trait and the loosening of behavioral expectations has been beneficial for childrearing. Psychic distress among children, and indicators like suicide teens, are at all time highs. I think our grandparents might know some things about childrearing that have been lost.

[Anonymous]

suicide among teens.

[Anonymous]

I am team your mom here. That mother should have apologized for her kids rude behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m at a loss with my mother. She’s in her mid-70s. I was out at the grocery store with her and we were in line when she caught the eye of one of two little boys in line behind her. The first boy carried on a short conversation with her, and then she moved on to converse with the other boy, only this caused him to have a mini-meltdown, stomping, pulling his hair and loudly screaming NO! NO! NO! at my mother. The mother of the boy simply tried to calm the boy down and ignored my mother.

In the car my mother couldn’t believe how the boy had “treated her”, and chastised the mother for not correcting him or apologizing for him. “She just let him act that way and speak to me like that!” I attempted to explain that he was likely autistic, or otherwise differently-abled, but she wasn’t having it.

Why are they so clueless about these disabilities yet claim to know everything about literally anything else?

Or probably he was a little kid who was tired and hungry and just wanted to go home and didn’t want to be at the grocery store anymore. And his mom just wanted to get through the checkout and go home bc she had enough.

So tell your mom that next time and follow up with that it is no longer social acceptable to yell or hit your kids in public even when they act up. It was different in her day. And it’s not her day anymore ….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the very least, this mom should have a phrase to say to people when the boy acts this way. “I apologize. He has some challenges we we working through” or whatever. And I say this as a mom of a child with ADHD who is prone to bouts of inappropriate behavior. It’s odd to me the mother didn’t apologize for her child’s behavior and I think that is the main issue.

Honestly, I'm not in this parenting situation myself, but I think if strangers decide to chat with random children they get what they get. Calming my child would have been more important than yelling an apology over his cries.

PP here and I agree, we don’t owe anyone anything, this is true. But I often feel it appropriate, especially if I can even just mouth “I’m sorry”. Just throwing out my perspective as someone who has been there.

I know you said you have a kid with ADHD, but your posts strongly suggest you have no idea what it's like to calm down a kid with ASD who has severe tantrums.

[Anonymous]

This is why I no longer talk to anyone’s kids or other unknown adults for that matter. It’s become way way too difficult to have to know, appreciate, love everyone’s mental syndromes. God forbid you say hi and be the cause of a severe tantrum.

[Anonymous]

Because back in the day that would not be allowed. I would have got the belt for that.

Autistic or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am team your mom here. That mother should have apologized for her kids rude behavior.

Why don't younger people "get" manners when their kids have rude behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My question is: why are some people so ageist?

OP this is about your mother. Not about legions of older adults. Get a clue. Also, it's "older adults" not "elderly people."

Finally, you are just like your mom. You want her to have compassion, yet you have none for her.

This. My 83YO mother is a retired special ed teacher who has specialized in autism since the early 70s.

[Anonymous]

So many kids are just brats. I feel for the OP’s mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am team your mom here. That mother should have apologized for her kids rude behavior.

Why don't younger people "get" manners when their kids have rude behavior?

See, I disagree here. It’s rude to bother someone in a grocery store. I don’t want to talk to your dumb ass either.

I back my kid up in public places with old people. Get your own lives, and frankly you’re mostly slow and in my way, so I hope I hurt your feelings enough to STAY HOME. I don’t feel like being pleasant to strange weirdos killing time by creeping my kids out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because back in the day that would not be allowed. I would have got the belt for that.

Autistic or not.

And we have reams of research establishing that violence inflicted on young children in the guise of discipline only leads to a plethora of terrible outcomes in adulthood, mental health issues, chronic physical health issues which are the body keeping the score (read it!) and all kinds of addiction and other dysfunctional behavior.

There is no long term net positive to beating your kid, and it will definitely damage the kid's perspective of you and relationship with you, no matter what lies you tell yourself. Children don't need to be beaten to learn manners, and there are stages of development at which their brains are literally incapable of mood regulation regardless of intelligence or character.

Please, learn to do better than was done to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many kids are just brats. I feel for the OP’s mom.

I don't know any kid who is just a brat. They may be at home, but nobody behaves badly in public.