Why don’t elderly people “get” autism?

[Anonymous]

I’m at a loss with my mother. She’s in her mid-70s. I was out at the grocery store with her and we were in line when she caught the eye of one of two little boys in line behind her. The first boy carried on a short conversation with her, and then she moved on to converse with the other boy, only this caused him to have a mini-meltdown, stomping, pulling his hair and loudly screaming NO! NO! NO! at my mother. The mother of the boy simply tried to calm the boy down and ignored my mother.

In the car my mother couldn’t believe how the boy had “treated her”, and chastised the mother for not correcting him or apologizing for him. “She just let him act that way and speak to me like that!” I attempted to explain that he was likely autistic, or otherwise differently-abled, but she wasn’t having it.

Why are they so clueless about these disabilities yet claim to know everything about literally anything else?

[Anonymous]

Elderly get more self centered as they get older, like toddlers.

[Anonymous]

Because your mother is from a time when anyone different was institutionalized or otherwise not allowed to leave the house. She’s unwilling to accept the world has changed and she needs to as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Elderly get more self centered as they get older, like toddlers.

This exactly. Even if she understands autism in concept, notice that her questions were all about her.

[Anonymous]

3 options:

A. Loss of filter due to age. She was always like this but knew how to mask. Now it all comes out.

B. Dementia and cognitive/emotional decline leading to a personality change.

C. Both A and B.

[Anonymous]

There has been a significant social change since she was young. When she was having kids in the ‘80s or so, a parent would have been much more firm shutting down a child appearing to be rude to an adult. Also, as others have said, children with significant needs were less likely to be out in public. I’m not saying mom was right, but from her perspective something was happening that would not have happened earlier in her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There has been a significant social change since she was young. When she was having kids in the ‘80s or so, a parent would have been much more firm shutting down a child appearing to be rude to an adult. Also, as others have said, children with significant needs were less likely to be out in public. I’m not saying mom was right, but from her perspective something was happening that would not have happened earlier in her life.

This. They haven't really wrapped their heads around the cultural change here. And the rigidity that comes with age makes it more difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There has been a significant social change since she was young. When she was having kids in the ‘80s or so, a parent would have been much more firm shutting down a child appearing to be rude to an adult. Also, as others have said, children with significant needs were less likely to be out in public. I’m not saying mom was right, but from her perspective something was happening that would not have happened earlier in her life.

This.

[Anonymous]

My question is: why are some people so ageist?

OP this is about your mother. Not about legions of older adults. Get a clue. Also, it's "older adults" not "elderly people."

Finally, you are just like your mom. You want her to have compassion, yet you have none for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Elderly get more self centered as they get older, like toddlers.

This. Your mom was hurt and embarrassed by the scene, and is experiencing that as anger. (This is not limited to the elderly, but is very common in them.)
A good way to defuse this is to compliment your mom on how she stayed calm in a difficult situation (or whatever true-ish thing you can say) to make her the hero rather than the person who made a kid scream.

[Anonymous]

PP here back to say that you put this Special Concerns forums, rather than Family Relationships, yet you also othered the boy by saying "clueless about these disabilities."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m at a loss with my mother. She’s in her mid-70s. I was out at the grocery store with her and we were in line when she caught the eye of one of two little boys in line behind her. The first boy carried on a short conversation with her, and then she moved on to converse with the other boy, only this caused him to have a mini-meltdown, stomping, pulling his hair and loudly screaming NO! NO! NO! at my mother. The mother of the boy simply tried to calm the boy down and ignored my mother.

In the car my mother couldn’t believe how the boy had “treated her”, and chastised the mother for not correcting him or apologizing for him. “She just let him act that way and speak to me like that!” I attempted to explain that he was likely autistic, or otherwise differently-abled, but she wasn’t having it.

Why are they so clueless about these disabilities yet claim to know everything about literally anything else?

Judgmental much?

I wonder how you will feel when your kids talk about you the same way you talk about your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here back to say that you put this Special Concerns forums, rather than Family Relationships, yet you also othered the boy by saying "clueless about these disabilities."

Oh FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My question is: why are some people so ageist?

OP this is about your mother. Not about legions of older adults. Get a clue. Also, it's "older adults" not "elderly people."

Finally, you are just like your mom. You want her to have compassion, yet you have none for her.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this but his is a your mom problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Elderly get more self centered as they get older, like toddlers.

This. Your mom was hurt and embarrassed by the scene, and is experiencing that as anger. (This is not limited to the elderly, but is very common in them.)
A good way to defuse this is to compliment your mom on how she stayed calm in a difficult situation (or whatever true-ish thing you can say) to make her the hero rather than the person who made a kid scream.

This. She was embarrassed, and she probably believes that being old entitles her to extra respect. There used to be a concept of "respect your elders" just because of their age. So when she was young she had to respect her elders, now she's not getting her turn to receive it.

She might be afraid that she did the wrong thing and upset him, but she doesn't know what she did wrong. Or that her appearance was scary to him, if she's vain about aging.