From US diplomat (trailing spouse) to squatter

[GenLeRoy]

GenLeRoy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. My husband is in DSS and your post resonated with me. This sort of lifestyle requires a huge sacrifice on our part, especially as far as our careers go. I hope you find some help soon.

Thank you so much! I hope y'all are going strong and have a strong emotional connection, bc that's the only thing that can keep so much external stress managable. Thanks for posting!

Definitely and that's been lacking, so thank you! I am pushing myself!

[Anonymous]

Notice OP hasn't responded to quetions about how many jobs she's applied for lately, now that the son is off at college and she's at home with nothing to do.

Instead she complains about having to set up a kitchen 13 times. What does that take, a few hours?

[GenLeRoy]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP, for your situation but I'm not understanding what it is you want or are asking for.

I guess I don't know either. Someone suggested a women's group in DC with other women who might get our special circumstances...IDK if anyone knows of one up here, too, but I can do virtual. It's just so weird bc no one understands State but State folks and it's just hard to talk about. It also just all feels like an injustice and wondered if anyone has worked with the unions to try to take them on, bc this shouldn't be happening to women in 2023 (literally one of the first Google hits was an article from 1978 saying the same identical thing, so no change). About 1-year before I left, John Kerry shook my hand and said, "You have the hardest and most important job." Hmmm...

[GenLeRoy]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, can you explain why you are living in nyc? Is there some benefit to that? It’s an incredibly expensive area.
Maybe you should move someplace cheaper.

I do recommend you stay away from red states that have not expanded Medicaid. You need good health insurance, so if you think of relocation spots, go to healthcare.gov, enter in the zip code, and see what sort of insurance the exchange has there.

She should stay in NYC as it has a great support system for the poor. She needs to be poor on paper to use it but I think she is. I think she just can’t think straight.

100% truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you have petS, as in, multiple pets?! You can’t afford it!

I wouldn't give OP a hard time about having pets. They may be the only emotional solace she has.

This is the trap that many homeless or poor fall into and in screws them over in terms of housing. Medication solved the problem much better. I’ve seen it too many times!

And no way should she be letting some vet talk her into some six thousand dollar surgery of cancer treatment. If she's just feeding them, fine, but she needs to not spend tons on their health care. So many scammy vets out there.

[GenLeRoy]

Anonymous wrote:

GenLeRoy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child?

Do you have a support system in NY?

Yeah something doesn't add up here. OP has been together with spouse for 20 years. The child wasn't a child for all of that.

There's a lot I am leaving out, but can you be more specific with what doesn't seem to be adding up? In my eyes, it is THIS much of an abomination. We were in the foreign service for 3 years before son was born and I left when he was 13. He's 18 now. But I can't get anyone to really take this on and I can't figure it out. Please ask me questions about what makes this not add up and I will fill in gaps. It really is this bad.

So you were wtih DH and he was supporting you normally up until your son was 13. A 13 year old needs a lot less "care" than a 2 year old. You seem to blame your DH for everything and make not attempt to control your own destiny. The time you leave is the time to get a job and start figuring out your life.

Now your son is off in college. You have all the time to focus on yourself. How many jobs did you apply for yesterday and today?

Things don't happen in a vaccum, especially when there is PTSD involved and it's not that easy. I have HAD multiple jobs and apply constantly, but being ready for them is the issue. I am in an educational program and am applying for an apprenticeship for more creative jobs, as opposed to nursing. I have no aversion to working and know it will make me better. It's being scared to leave the house bc of paralyzing fear and making mistakes and generally, feeling scared most of the time and my mind being disorganized like a tornado that holds me back.

Regardng your comment about a 2-year old vs a 13-year old...you're wrong. Especially when your husband is on a yearlong tour or he's not in his son's life. When I say I was single parenting- I mean 100% in every single sense of the word, with no aunties, sisters, etc. I think I know exactly what my son needs. Funny that one of the [male] judges said the very same thing...So, clearly you're a man who doesn't understand mothering. If my son needed my attention, he needed my attention. BTW, I have worked 2 of the 5 years, but they're doing neurological testing bc something isn't right...the jobs aren't working out well for me. Do you hear me? My brain isn't right. I am NOT lazy!

[GenLeRoy]

Anonymous wrote:OP I couldn’t make much out of your post but I understand you are in distress because you have no money or a job or a place to live.
Please don’t leave NYC.
Get all the services you can.
You are already getting SNAP; why is it below the max amount? What is your other income?
Your son must file for SNAP as a college student too; or you should file for him and use his EBT card if he doesn’t need it.
You need to have a plan to get into subsidized housing. What’s your living situation now?
You need to get a cash job to not lose your benefits.
This is the very general plan you should have in place. Good luck!

Thank you. I have the max of SNAP for both of us and I get $145 from HRA and that's it...no other income. I am going to apply for SSI while they're figuring out my brain, but hoping I can just work as an artist's assistant or in a printing press or some retail place til I can get on my feet again as a nurse. The vicicous cycle w/subsidized housing is that I need an income to get into one, but my brain is scrambled. I am presently squatting in the place since June and I have to vacate by Sept. 15th. Some agency has me meeting with legal aid to see about extending for a time til disability goes through, but worried disability means it is all over and work is the only thing that really kept me grounded. I have got to work again. I am in a program that has a day-treatment program that helps with life skills and getting back out into the world, so that should help. Thanks for your help and for understanding!

[Anonymous]

OP, I didn't read all the replies, but as a trailing spouse who has had a lot of the same experiences, this resonates - a lot. Going from successful professional, to contract work, to SAHM, to secretary, and then clawing my way back to some level of success, has been as much of a journey as the rest. The mental health/emotional challenges from that should not be underestimated. And that's before you get to the reality that you've been handling all the logistics and family admin for 20 years. I am sorry your ex-husband is an SOB.

But, onto practicalities - if your divorce has been in court for 5 years it's unlikely much is going to change on that front now. I'd focus on getting that process closed as soon as possible unless your lawyers advises that there's a chance of a better financial settlement. You need to move on.

I echo the advice to contact the FLO. There's also a Foreign Service group on Facebook - Trailing Houses. You might get some decent advice there or direction to other online groups.

I'm sorry this has happened - I hope you can focus on the future and building a new life. Best of luck.

[GenLeRoy]

Anonymous wrote:

GenLeRoy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child?

Do you have a support system in NY?

Yeah something doesn't add up here. OP has been together with spouse for 20 years. The child wasn't a child for all of that.

There's a lot I am leaving out, but can you be more specific with what doesn't seem to be adding up? In my eyes, it is THIS much of an abomination. We were in the foreign service for 3 years before son was born and I left when he was 13. He's 18 now. But I can't get anyone to really take this on and I can't figure it out. Please ask me questions about what makes this not add up and I will fill in gaps. It really is this bad.

Well to start with- you weren’t actually in the foreign service, correct? You really need to stop using this terminology. When I read your op mentioning “we joined the state department” I assumed you were a tandem couple and then got really confused by the subsequent story.

Also if you left your husband when your son was 13 why on earth did your son go to 14 different schools, especially since you mentioned that at least a couple of those years your husband was on unaccompanied tours?

Oh, were you here to help (since that's what I asked for) or to vet for the truth and judge?

I say "we" bc we made the choice together to join...it's not as if I married him and he was in. That was "our baby" we did together. I had a dip passport too and I had a job to do to and was on official gov't orders. The family joins State, not just the employee. I gave up my entire life- as all spouses do- for our husbands and our country/the mission.

9- of the schools while when we were in, bc clearly, we moved a lot. He was most stable with me, bc one of his school changes was from middle to high school, which had to happen anyway. And the other change was temporary and he went back to his original highschool, so technically, he only had 3-schools with me (including the return) and then college. 14 applications. Talk to State about it instead of judging mothers.

[GenLeRoy]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to ask Jeff to make your post anonymous. And you need to consult an attorney, maybe find a pro bono or women’s rights attorney or law school clinic or something.

I used a fake name ...But I have talked to so many attorneys, but the fact that he filed in PA and not in NY or DC or VA really put me in a bind. Tons of attorneys up here want to help, but the case is down there. What I really wanted was a women's rights attorney who wanted to take up this cause and wondered if there were any in DC who work on this stuff? Not for money, but to make change so this doesn't happen to other women. It just doesn't work out well for us in the end and if they want to recruit families and keep posts together and do it ethically, I think this issue should be addressed. I want to do all that and have some Gloria Allred-type, but I am just not there yet. If you know of any resources, though, for later, I would love to talk to her! Thanks!

[GenLeRoy]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

GenLeRoy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child?

Do you have a support system in NY?

Yeah something doesn't add up here. OP has been together with spouse for 20 years. The child wasn't a child for all of that.

There's a lot I am leaving out, but can you be more specific with what doesn't seem to be adding up? In my eyes, it is THIS much of an abomination. We were in the foreign service for 3 years before son was born and I left when he was 13. He's 18 now. But I can't get anyone to really take this on and I can't figure it out. Please ask me questions about what makes this not add up and I will fill in gaps. It really is this bad.

So you were wtih DH and he was supporting you normally up until your son was 13. A 13 year old needs a lot less "care" than a 2 year old. You seem to blame your DH for everything and make not attempt to control your own destiny. The time you leave is the time to get a job and start figuring out your life.

Now your son is off in college. You have all the time to focus on yourself. How many jobs did you apply for yesterday and today?

You clearly have no clue about what being a foreign service family means.

Ditto. Thanks! Wow...This is what I dealt with in this rural-ish county in PA. What a joke...

[GenLeRoy]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I didn't read all the replies, but as a trailing spouse who has had a lot of the same experiences, this resonates - a lot. Going from successful professional, to contract work, to SAHM, to secretary, and then clawing my way back to some level of success, has been as much of a journey as the rest. The mental health/emotional challenges from that should not be underestimated. And that's before you get to the reality that you've been handling all the logistics and family admin for 20 years. I am sorry your ex-husband is an SOB.

But, onto practicalities - if your divorce has been in court for 5 years it's unlikely much is going to change on that front now. I'd focus on getting that process closed as soon as possible unless your lawyers advises that there's a chance of a better financial settlement. You need to move on.

I echo the advice to contact the FLO. There's also a Foreign Service group on Facebook - Trailing Houses. You might get some decent advice there or direction to other online groups.

I'm sorry this has happened - I hope you can focus on the future and building a new life. Best of luck.

thank you and I am sorry for any similar struggles you experienced. I think I didn't realize how bad off I was when I left. The week before, I was desperate, even planning a Marriage Encounter, but once I thought there was only one other way out, I knew that was it...I left and it was the hardest decision of my life. How I made it that long, I have no idea...I had to, I guess. I do think you're right about court bc it keeps re-traumatizing me, but there is something about him hiding money from my son that makes me so incredibly angry and wants to fight to get that to him. I don't want it, but my son is entitiled to it and how DARE he cheat our son! It's just so trashy. But I may need to switch gears and first of all, get myself better. And second, go to the top and starting fighting for change for other women. It's weird...in a way, I wanted him to pay the right amount so that my son could have a dad that paid the right amount, but reality is, I can't make his dad any better for my son. He's an SOB and there is not a damn thing I can do about it and my son loses for that. It hurts, but that's his story and his dad's and they'll need to work it out but it just hurts me for my son.

Thanks for your kind words! I have been hesitant to join trailing spouses groups bc they're probably all still in, right? I will try, though. I am now really looking ahead, I think bc my son is finally safe and an adult! THANK YOU!

[GenLeRoy]

Anonymous wrote:OP you have petS, as in, multiple pets?! You can’t afford it!

Um, IDK what to even say here, but I made a committment to them, I have had them since long before I left the a-hole and I am not giving up on my family. JC, are you human?

[GenLeRoy]

Anonymous wrote:OP you need a list of things to do. No pets! No going to court anymore!
Line up all the benefits you can get, get into housing, get a stable income that won’t jeopardize your benefits and take time to settle and heal!
Do not leave NYC!

Thanks. Agree 100% but not giving up pets...But agree with all else. Thank you.

[GenLeRoy]

Anonymous wrote:First, you are right about emotional burden of a long term nomadic lifestyle. Even though there are lots of perks, there are cons too.

Second, you knew and accepted this lifestyle but eventually got tired of it so this is not your husband's fault, no fault divorce was the right filing.

Third, you've learned a lot of skills with travel, logistics and other experiences, you'll be a great fit for travel, expat or hospitality industry, specially for international schools. Get your health sorted out and then try to find a job suited to your strengths.

I loved being in the foreign service and we would get bored if we stayed in one place too long. I wasn't tired of the lifestyle, it was the husband who emotionally isolated me that made the lifestyle impossible. When you're not tight and connected, the moves become draining instead of exciting bc you're all alone. Two doctors on one countries economy almost turned him into the embassy for emotional neglect and isolation. This is a dude who didn't even make eye contact with me. And the fact he was able to erase me so easily, I think, says it all. I think there are people who can do this job and stay emotionally connected to their partners. I think you're misunderstanding...I didn't leave bc of the job, I left bc of the abusive husband. That's NOT a "no-fault." I was very clear- he met 10/17 of the standards to file for a fault divorce (and only 3 are needed). Please don't tell me what you don't know or understand. I loved being with State and moving! My son will likely join and I have thought of it too...

Thanks, I have considered moving abroad and doing different NGO stuff, just not ready yet. I will get there. Thank you!