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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
From US diplomat (trailing spouse) to squatter
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Anonymous
I wouldn't give OP a hard time about having pets. They may be the only emotional solace she has. |
Anonymous
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First, you are right about emotional burden of a long term nomadic lifestyle. Even though there are lots of perks, there are cons too.
Second, you knew and accepted this lifestyle but eventually got tired of it so this is not your husband's fault, no fault divorce was the right filing. Third, you've learned a lot of skills with travel, logistics and other experiences, you'll be a great fit for travel, expat or hospitality industry, specially for international schools. Get your health sorted out and then try to find a job suited to your strengths. |
Anonymous
| 4th, if you stayed with him, you two could've had lot of fun with this lifestyle without young kid to care for. |
Anonymous
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OP I was in a similar situation with a spouse who moved states 5 times in 7 years expecting me to follow each time. Sometime I said no Ms waited for the next move. This was in the US so I could work, but like you could not work during COVID. I was also screwed financially w alimony & child support in divorce. My ex-spouse makes double what he did at filing, has investment properties, money abroad and deferred comp he does not declare and CS has not changed even though he could and should be paying double what he is.
What has helped me has been to let go or excuses and rage against injustices (even valid ones) stop expecting help, support, money or compassion from anyone and to plan to be alone forever. Anything else is just gravy. If my kids were done living at home I would go balls to the wall working to make money. You should too. |
GenLeRoy
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I left when he was 13. Domestic violence doesn't have to involve hitting. In fact, some of the most vicious and long-lasting emotional damage can be done without physical violence (not to underestimate serious DV, where women are even killed), but I had an attorney at herjustice.org AND my DV advocate both tell me he was the worst predator they'd ever seen. He used every card he could and he's slick and he finanically abused me, isolated me, used his power and money in court, threatened to destroy my life/relationships, used male privilege and money privilege in court- KNOWING I was broke and emotionally struggling- and even exploited those to make himself look better, he used our child as a bartering chip, threatened to have me arrested at an airport for "kidnapping" for taking our kid on a spring break (he carries guns on planes and enters in different doors- he has connections), he broke into my laptop and phone and tracked my wearabouts and deleted emails that made him look bad, and basically weilded his power and control over me, knowing I had none and no family or supports. That's not abuse? My DV advocate said most of her clients, it's simple, they get protective orders and restraining orders...she said that mine and another client of hers who is a senator are above the law and they've destablized our entire lives. That's pretty bad domestic "violence." It's not always physical...Even State Dept says that in their handbook. This is a reportable offense, which I have not [yet] reported. IDK why, but I didn't. As far as custody, while he was assigned to the Balkans, it's really a struggle to "share" custody. If he had stayed back, I could have continued to be the only parent parenting him and they could have played, bc that's all they did when he was home, but my son needed to live in one home for the school year. Dad chose to NOT ask for a "compassionate reassignment" and went abroad anyway, after his son pleaded with him to stay back. Really sad...Dad was awarded 6-weeks per year in the summer. He chose to have him only 4-weeks and then, things declined and now my son won't talk to him. Hell no, absolutely not a snowball's chance in HELL would I ever hand my son over to a man who #1, has never parented, #2, can't/isn't a good parent, #3, doesn't put his child's needs over his own & #4, doesn't understand the value of his son's mother...The last thing I want is my son to turn into a narcissist like his father. Narcissists don't put their children first. They care about one thing above all and it hurts children (and spouses, obviously) tremendously. On my worst day, I was 100% better of a parent than he on his best... The "moving all over the place for some reason" was because the man didn't pay a livable amount for me to get on my feet, wouldn't help sign even a lease for us- I had no credit- wouldn't help plan (and BTW, the "stability" in the Balkans was from ME picking the location and ME talking to the headmaster at the school and arranging, not bc my ex is stable...That was 100% me). I never had enough money- not ONE month- to pay rent. So you're saying after 20-years of marriage and a BS divorce that leaned in his favor financially, that I am unstable for that? And my son and I should be penalized for a narcissist and a patriarchial court? I don't think so... You clearly know nothing about what these men are capable of. I left bc of his antics and no way in hell is he going to profit from what he couldn't and wouldn't do in the marriage, not to mention his purposeful destabilization of me in the divorce. A decent man would have given me time to get on my feet and stabilize, after all I did for his career. |
Anonymous
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Poor child!
I hope that you can get some counseling OP, because you seem too overwhelmed to Think straight right now. |
GenLeRoy
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I am not focusing on custody, but someone else brought it up...It just was a lot, that's all. I am only focused on the money and him paying what is due to my son. But I won't get a fair trial, bc I never have. |
Anonymous
This is the trap that many homeless or poor fall into and in screws them over in terms of housing. Medication solved the problem much better. I’ve seen it too many times! |
Anonymous
+1. The no-fault determination is made by state law. The husband’s filing as much makes no difference |
GenLeRoy
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He's excelling and studying in Paris, with dozens of friends. We are getting him therapy to deal with the PTSD of surviving a narcissistic parent and the damage that can do to a child. Mothers always intuitively know what their kids need and will compensate as best they can for the parent who puts himself and his needs first.Thank you. |
Anonymous
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your lawyer should be speaking for you.
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GenLeRoy
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Thank you! Yes, I think they changed their name- maybe it's CFLO? IDK, but I have an appointment again to talk to them this week. There's a union that meets regularly with State's union to negotiate and they want me to write up my story. THANK YOU! |
GenLeRoy
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I agree and I have *never* felt like a victim and I know it's this feeling of powerlessness that's got me stuck, but to be fair, I didn't ever bounce back bc I was on fumes when I left and then the hypoxia to the brain. I am not functioning right. I think now that my son is gone, I can focus on getting the help I need. I have tried working and have an RN, but I get 100 offers a day and know I am not well enough to take them. It's that bad. Once I can gain power over this narrative, as I have in everything else in my life, I know I will be better. Nothing has ever stumped me like this...I am trying to appeal the courts and file complaints against the judges, but that will need to wait til I can get help for the PTSD. That's what this is- PTSD and until I get help for it, nothing else will work. Thanks for your words and glad you're doing well. |
GenLeRoy
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THANK YOU! I am going to start going to art openings again and some women's walking groups through Central Park. Slowly, I hope I get there...just need these vouchers to work out, etc. Looking forward to focusing on myself. 
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), so he's good for now [god-willing!]. I have no social support system at all in NYC, but I am hooked into a few agencies that are trying to help. But I am alone. It sucks. I was so social my entire life. Wow, what an about face! Who knew merely leaving him would upend my entire life!
GenLeRoy
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No one wants to be a "kept woman." I tried working at every single post. It's my mental/emotional health that precludes me working. I worked far harder than he ever did, both before we met and while we were married, he just got paid for it! I get 100 job offers a day. I am not going to work on a med/surg unit with 10 patients and risk killing someone bc my head isn't right from the PTSD. Yes, alimony for life or at least benefits for life help and then if I get on my feet, it could stop. This arrangment can and does often derail women's lives, especially if there was abuse. I held on as long as I could, especially since in my gut, I knew he'd try to take our kid. He DOES make large amounts of money w/State, bc of overseas living, so don't know what planet you're on...What in God's name gave you the impression I wanted to be a "kept woman?" I was the youngest person in my office at 30- all my peers were in their 50s and 60s and had graduate degrees and had run county offices...I ran 13 counties in Colorado. I think I understand WELL the value of WORK! I also got a second degree in nursing to WORK. If I am not working, it's bc I CAN'T! What I have learned in life is that most good people are doing their very best. |