From US diplomat (trailing spouse) to squatter

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09/02/2023 21:08

Subject: From US diplomat (trailing spouse) to squatter

GenLeRoy
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Joined: 09/02/2023 20:23
Messages: 57
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Hey. I am just reaching out to see if anyone has some gentle advice...I was married for 20-years and we joined together (I even worked while he didn't for a year before we joined State). I won't get into the details, bc we all know how this goes, but I should say that I did 100% of the emotional labor in the family, with raising our son and physical labor with home purchases, sellings, refinances and all fourteen moves (and that was fourteen schools for my son, who I just got to university, by the Grace of God!). I think I had a nervous breakdown from all the work I had to do, as he did two-unaccompanied in Iraq and Yemen, not to mention all the TDYs and trainings in DC to prep and debrief from the unaccompanied tours, and he learned two languages and was away from us during that time as well. We lived much of the time abroad and I was unable to work (although I tried) and when home, because of the nature of him being called out frequently on TDYs (he is DSS), there was no way I could work with a child. I tried a couple of times, but between how damaged I was and the stress it put on our family, it didn't last.

I finally had to leave, bc we were facing another overseas and I knew I couldn't make it bc of the extreme isolation (we were not at all emotionally connected, so I was essentially on my own on these tours and while my son was young, it was fine- bc I had him and all the mothers and entertaining, but as he got older, I became very isolated and unwell). I told him I wanted to split and he immediately locked me out of all the accounts and did very questionable things and hired a team of attorneys, while I had none. To this day (and it's been 5-years and we are still in court), I have never been able to speak in court. Of course, he beat me to filing and filed a no-fault, which it clearly was not. Also, it was in a jurisdiction that is very unfamiliar w/State dynamics and what we do and how overseas life is for us, etc. In-vain, I am sure, I am still fighting to get the money that is owed to my son, as he never once reported his increases and he makes double on his W-2s compared to when we split. He's hidden the per diem checks, free housing in DC, promotion increases, cost of living increases, locality pay changes, bonuses, cash awards, etc and he gets LEAP (25% more), which I am not sure is on his W-2s. Plus the free housing while overseas, etc. The judge took none of this into account and I never got a word in edgewise anyway, so I had no career, no money and started paying a $2700 rent, while my ex paid $0. I also somehow got stuck with all the bills bc I got the TSA. However, that was spent quickly bc we had to keep moving and COVID broke out, so we made two transcontinental moves and not being employed, that crumb of money evaporated. Going from State moving us and sort of babysitting/watching out for us for 20-years to me planning 100% on my own was very destabilizing, especially since he refused to pay me until I filed for child support myself (I sold my engagement ring) and each month was not predictable and it stayed in litigation for so long, I was not getting enough to even pay rent (and I had our child the whole time, too...This guy is a real loser). I got 2-years of alimony that wasn't even properly calculated bc of what I previously stated and I signed an agreement I didn't understand. I thought I would have lifelong insurance and I have a terminal kidney disease and life-threatening asthma (I have been hospitalized twice with this). Both my parents are dead and we got their inheritances, but both of his are alive and he will get both of those. I also thought when the alimony was finished, that he would pay the higher rate of child support for the state we lived in and I was tricked by he and his attorney into thinking this, so it stayed the same- a pathetically low amount.

Needless to say, re-entering the workforce as a displaced homemaker (while not being well, either) is hard enough, but doing it in this day and age, when there have been SO many changes and people over 40 are not taken too seriously, not to mention the pandemic and how hard it has been, I just haven't gotten on my feet yet, even though it's been 5-years. He refused to help me plan for our son in any way, and I have no living relatives and am 100% on my own, so I did my best. We moved to NYC and when I discovered the child support wouldn't increase after the alimony was done, I knew we couldn't afford NYC, so we moved back to Seattle. I was promptly hospitalized there, possibly with COVID, but it was before the breakout and as soon as the breakout happened, literally- Seattle schools CLOSED! They didn't go online. They CLOSED! That, combined with my son not yet having made any friends, after 2-months of being there, I called up NYC schools and they were already online and put him right back in his old classes and we packed our U-Haul up (gain!) and went right back to NYC where we have remained.

I am finally getting the PTSD help that I have needed (it was hard to take care of myself while taking care of my son bc of how much he's been through. He has no contact with his father by his choice) and he's struggled. I have had no health care. I recieve $145 a month from public assistance and food stamps. I am going to get some life skills and hopefully try to get back out there, but GAD is a problem and just so many compounding things are happening (like I might be homeless in two-weeks!)...Honestly, I think when he went to Iraq and the stress I was under (it was too much), I think I cracked and had a nervous breakdown and it's never been treated, with only more and more stress put on me. Court has caused me the most trauma bc my family was on-display and mischaracterized and I also had no say and he lied...I get victimzed every time I return. It's maddening. I think I need to go on SSI and take my time getting back into it all, but this will be a process.

I should note: I was at the top of my career when I met him. I was 30 and had already bought two homes by myself from my career job and a restaurant job I worked for years. I was creative and successful. And I did everything for our family. 100% of everything except actually going into work at the embasssy everyday. Outside of that, it was me.

There's a lot I am leaving out that make this even more tragic (like when he served me papers, trying to take my son away overseas with him, even though I raised him 100% alone and he didn't even make a visitation plan and told me the "nanny would replace me," I actually had an extreme panic attack and stopped breathing, went into respiratory arrest, followed by cardiac arrest bc of a lack of oxygen. My son found me immediately, called 9-1-1 and they were there in minutes administering life-saving CPR and I spent a week in the ICU)...So, lots of stories like that...

But outside of all the narcissistic and insane things he did, looking on Google, this story looks about the same as it did in the 1970s, specifically for trailing spouses. I am just shocked, bc we gave all of our time, too, we just didn't get paid and there is a hole in our résumé. I have lost a ton of confidence and I just don't know some days.

Sorry to be such a drag, but do y'all know of anything for women (and some men, maybe?) that are in our position? I just haven't bounced back and it all seems so hopeless. I want to fight back, but court really disempowered me the most. I want to complain to State officially and write all the powers-that-be, but don't even know if I have the energy...

Do you know of any women's groups about this that might be able to talk and help come up with ideas? I think I am going to have to walk away from this apartment and all of my things in it- all of my photos and all I built over the years- bc I have nothing...

Well, sorry if I brought anyone down, but I am down, so I can't lie. Thanks if you read this all the way through...And thanks in-advance if you write me back! I would SO much appreciate even some stories if you went through anything similar. I should say, the CLO (they're CLO, now, right?) has been really kind over the years, but that's all that's helped me. I have a domestic violence advocate in NYC, too, which is why I have my son. I would have lost him, as he tried desperately to just erase me. His life is 100% the same and ours has been- well- let's just say not at all like his.

Well, thanks and hope to hear back! I hope you all are faring better than I! On a positive note, I am trying this course called "Unsinkable: The Secret to Bouncing Back and hoping it helps.

All the best,
Gen

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