From US diplomat (trailing spouse) to squatter

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, for your situation but I'm not understanding what it is you want or are asking for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, can you explain why you are living in nyc? Is there some benefit to that? It’s an incredibly expensive area.
Maybe you should move someplace cheaper.

I do recommend you stay away from red states that have not expanded Medicaid. You need good health insurance, so if you think of relocation spots, go to healthcare.gov, enter in the zip code, and see what sort of insurance the exchange has there.

She should stay in NYC as it has a great support system for the poor. She needs to be poor on paper to use it but I think she is. I think she just can’t think straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child?

Do you have a support system in NY?

Yeah something doesn't add up here. OP has been together with spouse for 20 years. The child wasn't a child for all of that.

NP
Not op but we didn't have kids until 12 years of marriage

[GenLeRoy]

Anonymous wrote:Op, can you explain why you are living in nyc? Is there some benefit to that? It’s an incredibly expensive area.
Maybe you should move someplace cheaper.

I do recommend you stay away from red states that have not expanded Medicaid. You need good health insurance, so if you think of relocation spots, go to healthcare.gov, enter in the zip code, and see what sort of insurance the exchange has there.

I definintely thought about it, but the benefits I have here and services, plus how I knew it would help compensate for being a single parent (I couldn't go back to a suburban place and be two parents with soccer, clubs, school, lifestyle, etc...I knew I sort of needed the city to raise him, too. Plus, I don't need a car here.). I am considering leaving, but might be getting vouchers. It's all up in the air right now. If not, I may go live on some womanlands for a while. IDK where to go. I will literally need to start completely over in a much worse place than I was when I left home at 17, if you can believe it. But I get your point. Seeing if I can make it work, but might move. Once I leave the boroughs, all my benefits stop and I can't get any more help. I might be on the road in a couple of weeks, though! Headed yonder!

[Anonymous]

GenLeRoy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child?

Do you have a support system in NY?

Yeah something doesn't add up here. OP has been together with spouse for 20 years. The child wasn't a child for all of that.

There's a lot I am leaving out, but can you be more specific with what doesn't seem to be adding up? In my eyes, it is THIS much of an abomination. We were in the foreign service for 3 years before son was born and I left when he was 13. He's 18 now. But I can't get anyone to really take this on and I can't figure it out. Please ask me questions about what makes this not add up and I will fill in gaps. It really is this bad.

So you were wtih DH and he was supporting you normally up until your son was 13. A 13 year old needs a lot less "care" than a 2 year old. You seem to blame your DH for everything and make not attempt to control your own destiny. The time you leave is the time to get a job and start figuring out your life.

Now your son is off in college. You have all the time to focus on yourself. How many jobs did you apply for yesterday and today?

[Anonymous]

OP I couldn’t make much out of your post but I understand you are in distress because you have no money or a job or a place to live.
Please don’t leave NYC.
Get all the services you can.
You are already getting SNAP; why is it below the max amount? What is your other income?
Your son must file for SNAP as a college student too; or you should file for him and use his EBT card if he doesn’t need it.
You need to have a plan to get into subsidized housing. What’s your living situation now?
You need to get a cash job to not lose your benefits.
This is the very general plan you should have in place. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

GenLeRoy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child?

Do you have a support system in NY?

Yeah something doesn't add up here. OP has been together with spouse for 20 years. The child wasn't a child for all of that.

There's a lot I am leaving out, but can you be more specific with what doesn't seem to be adding up? In my eyes, it is THIS much of an abomination. We were in the foreign service for 3 years before son was born and I left when he was 13. He's 18 now. But I can't get anyone to really take this on and I can't figure it out. Please ask me questions about what makes this not add up and I will fill in gaps. It really is this bad.

Well to start with- you weren’t actually in the foreign service, correct? You really need to stop using this terminology. When I read your op mentioning “we joined the state department” I assumed you were a tandem couple and then got really confused by the subsequent story.

Also if you left your husband when your son was 13 why on earth did your son go to 14 different schools, especially since you mentioned that at least a couple of those years your husband was on unaccompanied tours?

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to ask Jeff to make your post anonymous. And you need to consult an attorney, maybe find a pro bono or women’s rights attorney or law school clinic or something.

[GenLeRoy]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, can you explain why you are living in nyc? Is there some benefit to that? It’s an incredibly expensive area.
Maybe you should move someplace cheaper.

I do recommend you stay away from red states that have not expanded Medicaid. You need good health insurance, so if you think of relocation spots, go to healthcare.gov, enter in the zip code, and see what sort of insurance the exchange has there.

NP. I had the same thought as this PP, but as a former NYC resident I sat with it and I think it’s a good location. NYC doesn’t require the investment of a car, transit is accessible and cheap, and healthcare is more readily available in most places I’ve lived save for Texas. Jobs are plentiful. But most importantly I think NYC has a really great system for housing lotteries for lower and middle income residents. OP, once you get a salaried job, you need to start getting yourself on every single list. Look in the NYT real estate section for stories about people who have landed affordable apartments after some time on the list. I knew more than a few people who went this route and regret not doing it when I was very stretched but not destitute in the City. This is not section 8 or public housing- it is for the apartments in already built or new buildings required to reserve a certain percentage of apartments for tenants of certain incomes.

https://housingconnect.nyc.gov/PublicWeb/search-lotteries

In the meantime you need to find a shared house or apartment in an outer borough to save money and avoid a huge deposit. By any chance did you go to a small college with supportive alumni, and do you have a college alma mater with an alumni email list? FB group? Anything? Post there. You don’t have to say you’re destitute, just that you’re restarting your life in NYC and looking for a temporary share while you decide what neighborhood is right for you. I literally saw a post like this on my alumni email list a while ago.

Next step is to apply for government and city agency jobs and executive assistant jobs. You don’t need to tell anyone the sad part of your life- you have had a hard time and maybe made a few bad decisions but you write in an engaging way that got more than a few of us to stick around with none of the usual “too long” complaints.

Please keep us updated. Many of us have come close to being in your situation or wonder if we might in the future.

Thanks for this! Yes, you highlighted a lot of why I have stayed (left and came back). This city sort of helps take care of you if you're struggling. I don't want to lose my residency. Yes, Housing Connect- I am aware. My struggle is, since I haven't had stable work, my salary constantly fluctuates and when your name comes up, it must match what you entered. It's like this vortex or gridlock I am stuck in. I posted something on Stephanie's Listing's Project and asked if someone would take me and my pets in as a roommate. I am working on a voucher program, but they only give Section 8 here now if the DA is working w/you on a DV case and this "white collar DV" isn't chargable. But I am trying and will keep doing so. Thanks for your helpful tips. I am so emotionally bankrupt is a big part of the problem. I can see what I need to do, I just feel like I have lost hope. I never thought this could happen to me and I am devasted. I gave so much and it just doesn't make sense. The thing about narcissists is that they wear masks and you don't know who they are til it's too late (I still don't know who he is...Who hides money from their son?!). Thank you for the tips! I will follow-up!

[GenLeRoy]

Anonymous wrote:You lost me after three sentences. Too long, go talk to a counselor

Thanks anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to ask Jeff to make your post anonymous. And you need to consult an attorney, maybe find a pro bono or women’s rights attorney or law school clinic or something.

I think she is using an alias

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

GenLeRoy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child?

Do you have a support system in NY?

Yeah something doesn't add up here. OP has been together with spouse for 20 years. The child wasn't a child for all of that.

There's a lot I am leaving out, but can you be more specific with what doesn't seem to be adding up? In my eyes, it is THIS much of an abomination. We were in the foreign service for 3 years before son was born and I left when he was 13. He's 18 now. But I can't get anyone to really take this on and I can't figure it out. Please ask me questions about what makes this not add up and I will fill in gaps. It really is this bad.

So you were wtih DH and he was supporting you normally up until your son was 13. A 13 year old needs a lot less "care" than a 2 year old. You seem to blame your DH for everything and make not attempt to control your own destiny. The time you leave is the time to get a job and start figuring out your life.

Now your son is off in college. You have all the time to focus on yourself. How many jobs did you apply for yesterday and today?

You clearly have no clue about what being a foreign service family means.

[Anonymous]

OP you have petS, as in, multiple pets?! You can’t afford it!

[Anonymous]

OP you need a list of things to do. No pets! No going to court anymore!
Line up all the benefits you can get, get into housing, get a stable income that won’t jeopardize your benefits and take time to settle and heal!
Do not leave NYC!

[GenLeRoy]

Anonymous wrote:Women do get screwed in divorce, unfortunately divorce isn’t in a woman’s interest. You Aton it for the long haul in a relationship like you described
From what I can tell with out having studied law is that his future inheritance is not relevant. His work benefit of housing is not an asset either

You are strong, the life of a trailing spouse is often lonely
I am surprised that you moved as often as you did
Did I understand correctly, your son changed school 14 times!

Yes, my strength and ability to carry a lot is why I stayed so long, but I have no capacity to see what's happening to me and just do what needs to be done. Next thing I knew, I was in a BAD place w/o understanding why. Doctors started telling me...Well, we got both of my parents' inheritences and he has access to his (this is a part of the 17-factors in PA that feeds into alimony decisions). Also, his free housing actually was supposed to be calculated in, legally, but the judges wouldn't let me talk and appealing, while it was in PA (w/no car) and while raising my kid who wasn't well and trying to get us settled and being depressed myself and basically knowing there was no point to appealing bc the judges LITERALLY snickered and laughed in my face about the couple things I did say...It just never worked out.

I must be strong bc I am still here and I owe it to my parents and my son to fight. OMG, we moved SO many times, both domestic and abroad, but 6 of those were post-divorce. My son started pre-K in Bosnia and now that he's at university, that was 14- different applications and transitions. That alone, not to mention setting up your kitchen 14 x, will make a woman insane. I am fried.