Reply to Post affair, husband tired of me bringing it up

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op should not even be fooling with this nonsense. The thought that she can make this marriage work is naive and stupid. [/quote]

I think they are trying to work themselves out of this mess DH created. While OP has every right to do so, what she's doing is counter-productive getting to the end goal of saving the marriage. [/quote]

I think you are right.

NP, never been cheated and never been cheated on (well, there was a woman in college who later admitted she "would have if he wanted to," and I'd had my suspicions that he scoffed at that time, but nothing happened, so I'm not counting it).

But look -- marriage can't be an indefinite penalty period. I'm not saying that he did wasn't terrible, or that anyone cheated on doesn't have a right to feel betrayed and eternally terribly changed, but then maybe the union is over. People do get to leave. They pay a price, and that is financial, in reputation, and in all kinds of ways -- but they can choose to pay the price, even if they did something terrible.

If you killed someone and served your time in prison, you pay a huge penalty -- both the imprisonment as well as the record as a felon. But if you go somewhere to start fresh, and you have paid the price, you ware never the same but you get to have a quiet life with it behind you. You aren't the same, and certainly the murder victim isn't, but you do get to look for a peaceful if constrained happiness.

Maybe it just cant be fixed sometimes. That's awful, but it's never going to be the case that someone has to stay with you if things continue to be unbearable. It just isn't. And I'm so sorry it happened to you. [/quote]

But just to extend your analogy - just because someone has served their time for committing a crime doesn't mean you are obligated to trust them again anytime soon. Legal punishment is different from earned trust.[/quote]

Sure. Agreed.

[quote]OP, for all we know, has every reason to keep doubting her husband[b]. She's not obligated to start trusting him again just because the internet jury decides he's been punished long enough. [/b]At the same time, if they can't ever repair that trust together, it's hard to see how a marriage works.[/quote]

I don't think anyone has said she is. I do think there has to be a shared goal in mind, as well as progress towards it. I like the idea a PP had of framing off the detailed questions and painful discussions to certain set times, concurrent with a commitment to spending enjoyable time together to rebuild the relationship.

But if there isn't something to save, then there isn't something to save. OP gets to decide when to trust, absolutely. And when and whether to forgive, absolutely. And both get to decide every day whether this is something still to save. I do hope both find a path to a better life ahead, and if both want it, then that the life is together. 
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