Unpopular truth: If you don't maintain your value, your successful DH will move on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend's husband just told her a few weeks ago that they're separating and divorcing. They had been in couples therapy for a few weeks but now he's done. She had been a drag the last year and the spark died. She's a "feeling" person so when her Dad passed away and she dealt with her Mom, she looked to her husband for support. I warned her that he's really successful and busy and for her lifestyle she has to figure out how to manage without burdening him. She said he had told her that he just didn't have the bandwidth for this, particularly as she has a therapist and meds plus plenty of time as a SAHM to deal with those things.

Unfortunately she didn't listen to me and he started looking around. Turns out the husband met someone else he feels is a better fit for his lifestyle, and if it proceeds would be a fun stepmom for their two boys. Now my friend is trying to grind through each day while DH has moved on. I really want to tell my friend that for her own good she shouldn't play the victim, don't go bashing him and go along with telling people that it was mutual. Take the high road. You can love your husband and love your kids, but ultimately you need to maintain your worth and not go draining people if you want to maintain your lifestyle. How do I explain that to her, give her the tough love, without just damaging her more?

WTF is wrong with you? Married people should be able to count on their spouse for emotional sport. I think she will be fine, but it's you I am worried about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is either the new woman or the DH. Or a really sh!tty friend.

The wife/friend doesn’t need any of you. She needs a really good divorce atty. Best thing you can do is find her one and then leave her alone to find better friends.

This was my first thought. Or that she is hoping to be.

100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Troll score: 1/10, not even convincing.

i can even tell by the odd writing style lol troll attempt fail

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father is a retired big law partner, and when my moms parents, who lived nearby, were dying, he was there with her, and my grandparents, who loved him, as much as he could be. Your friends husband sounds like a d*ck.

OP here. I should have known that DCUM would twist what I said into a slam on my friend. I feel for her and think he's a jerk. But that doesn't put food on the table nor does it keep her in the house.

That's the key phrase: "as much as he could be". But what if, like my friend, the wife demands more than what the DH can give. Law partners have deals to get done or need to take a case to trial; doctors have research to conduct and patients to treat.

You can't say "sorry your Honor, my wife is having trouble dealing with her Dad passing away over six months ago so I can't take the case to trial and I need a continuance". Or "sorry Stage IV Cancer patient, my wife spent the morning crying so I wasn't able to design your drug regimen yet". We like to talk in ideals, but the world is complicated. That's what I was trying to explain to my friend, because holding her husband to her standard of what her husband SHOULD be, when he brings in so much money. Why push him to the point where he wants to take away your health insurance, your time with the kids, your ability to live in your beautiful house? Why?

This is the most bizarrely unhinged post I've seen on DCUM for a long time!

Also, did you know that women are also lawyers and scientists? And also that judges will take family matters into consideration with scheduling.

[Anonymous]

The husband is a jerk. She’s a person and his life partner, not an escort paid to be pretty and entertaining and a house manger who wrangles his kids and his tee times.

You are a terrible friend and I hope you stop sharing your sad, toxic view of transactional relationships with other people . How’s that for tough love?

A real friend would have supported her friend through a tough emotional time and also agreed with her that she deserved more from her spouse.

[Anonymous]

You are a terrible friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father is a retired big law partner, and when my moms parents, who lived nearby, were dying, he was there with her, and my grandparents, who loved him, as much as he could be. Your friends husband sounds like a d*ck.

OP here. I should have known that DCUM would twist what I said into a slam on my friend. I feel for her and think he's a jerk. But that doesn't put food on the table nor does it keep her in the house.

That's the key phrase: "as much as he could be". But what if, like my friend, the wife demands more than what the DH can give. Law partners have deals to get done or need to take a case to trial; doctors have research to conduct and patients to treat.

You can't say "sorry your Honor, my wife is having trouble dealing with her Dad passing away over six months ago so I can't take the case to trial and I need a continuance". Or "sorry Stage IV Cancer patient, my wife spent the morning crying so I wasn't able to design your drug regimen yet". We like to talk in ideals, but the world is complicated. That's what I was trying to explain to my friend, because holding her husband to her standard of what her husband SHOULD be, when he brings in so much money. Why push him to the point where he wants to take away your health insurance, your time with the kids, your ability to live in your beautiful house? Why?

Way to backpedal, OP, since your post didn't go over as you'd planned.

Many people, when facing a crisis in their family, do reduce their work obligations for a period of time. When my father died last year, my husband absolutely took a couple days off work to be emotionally supportive, traveled with me to the funeral, and was willing to listen when I needed to talk. I also have a therapist and take meds, but I know of no therapists who would say that your friend should simply defer her needs and lie about them to other people because her husband has an important and/or high paying job.

Her husband sounds like a piece of sh*t and you sound like a piece of sh*t friend for basically agreeing that your friend does not have any value unless her husband thinks so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend's husband just told her a few weeks ago that they're separating and divorcing. They had been in couples therapy for a few weeks but now he's done. She had been a drag the last year and the spark died. She's a "feeling" person so when her Dad passed away and she dealt with her Mom, she looked to her husband for support. I warned her that he's really successful and busy and for her lifestyle she has to figure out how to manage without burdening him. She said he had told her that he just didn't have the bandwidth for this, particularly as she has a therapist and meds plus plenty of time as a SAHM to deal with those things.

Unfortunately she didn't listen to me and he started looking around. Turns out the husband met someone else he feels is a better fit for his lifestyle, and if it proceeds would be a fun stepmom for their two boys. Now my friend is trying to grind through each day while DH has moved on. I really want to tell my friend that for her own good she shouldn't play the victim, don't go bashing him and go along with telling people that it was mutual. Take the high road. You can love your husband and love your kids, but ultimately you need to maintain your worth and not go draining people if you want to maintain your lifestyle. How do I explain that to her, give her the tough love, without just damaging her more?

Exit her life immediately and totally. Tell her you realize you are a grade A jerk and idiot and you have bought into every stupid trope that women should SERVE men and not "burden" or bother them. You are the worst friend who ever lived. You will do her a huge favor by never speaking to her again because you speak pure poison.

[Anonymous]

So, are all these young wives going to support their older man in their old age? I guess so. Kids and ex-wives can take care of themselves while the new spouse can spend the days in the hospital.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with this statement. BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, are all these young wives going to support their older man in their old age? I guess so. Kids and ex-wives can take care of themselves while the new spouse can spend the days in the hospital.

Haha no because then the husbands have lost THEIR value so the wives will be moving on. That's how transactional relationships work! The kids will stick around to the extent their inheritances depend on it. You can't expect any of them to ask a judge to reschedule a hearing or any of them to take a day off from researching cures for cancer, though, in any case.

[Anonymous]

“A better fit for his lifestyle” 😂
Like a pair of running shoes??

Look op, you might be onto something in that maybe they were poorly matched personality wise, but that’s not a reason for her to change just for him, he married her knowing who she was.

She’ll get alimony and child support and will find some guy who will be happy to share in all that money at the price of being an emotional crutch for her.

And the new wife will want a kid soon to lock in her deal and then he’ll either decide he can’t afford anymore shiny new wives or he’ll move on again.

He stands to lose more either way. But apparently it’s worth it to him, so..

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he's using his wife's grief and loss and struggle to excuse his roving eye. His poor wife has a crappy husband and a crappy friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, are all these young wives going to support their older man in their old age? I guess so. Kids and ex-wives can take care of themselves while the new spouse can spend the days in the hospital.

Haha no because then the husbands have lost THEIR value so the wives will be moving on. That's how transactional relationships work! The kids will stick around to the extent their inheritances depend on it. You can't expect any of them to ask a judge to reschedule a hearing or any of them to take a day off from researching cures for cancer, though, in any case.

The new married life will be a woman marrying a woman and paying some guy with good genes a lot of money for their sperm since she can't count on him anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You gave shitty advice. No need to justify him being a DB.

As a spouse your spouses health and mental needs take priority over your career. When you get married or are in a committed long term relationship you make two commitments one to the person and one to the relationship.

+100 Seriously, WTF?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My husband was an absolute saint when my dad was going through his terminal illness, hospice, death. He was there for every minute, supporting my mom, taking over kid duties, visiting, clearing his schedule so I could be in the hospital, spend days at my parents' house. He went through the pain of telling my then 9 and 12-year old son's what was happening with grandpa. They were INCREDIBLY close to my dad and my dad was such a large presence--hilarious, caring, involved in their lives, at all of their sporting events, sleepovers at my parents', etc. They showed remarkable resilience and insisted on being there when my dad was dying, composing cards and letters and thanking him and that they wouldn't forget him.

My husband has a big job. He has long hours, etc.--yet he was there for all of it. He looked up to my dad since his own dad was a absent and a complete and total mess.

That experience in midlife really made me love my husband more. My mom was so thankful for his support too. She stayed with us many nights since we lived closer to the hospital when he was in ICU.

Any spouse that turns their back when a loved one's family member is sick/dying or when their own spouse is ill---is a real POS in my opinion.