Am I the jerk?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you want to limit activities because

1. You feel guilty
2. You're pissy that you struggle with planning and executing
3. You're miserable with your job and seem to want others to be miserable as well.
.

Grow up. That's why your opinon isn't being heard, because it's selfish and makes no sense. Get a new job and try to improve your own life

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you don't want them to do any activities at all, because it's too hard for you, even though they want to, and your DH is willing to do most of the work? Yes, you're the jerk. Whatever is stopping you from coping with normal life, you need therapy or medication to address it.

If you mean they should each pick just two activities, that's very reasonable. Great.

The purpose of the C A L E N D A R is to compile all the activity information into one place, see the family's schedule as a whole, and ensure that what you are commiting to is logistically feasible. I don't know why this would be objectionable to anyone.

Op is just being a brat about the calendar. Planning isn't her strong suit so she's pissy that her DH handles it easily. She also doesn't want to face the fact about how uninvolved she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

Yes, that does sound annoying. But he is treating you as an adult with a say! FFS. You yourself said that you agreed to this summer plan in March. That was your "say" and you said "Yes". I'm sorry you're unhappy with your decision. But it really was yours.

When you said they need more time at home for homework, your DH AGREED WITH YOU. But then he got out, omg, a calendar, which was unacceptable to you I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

Ok now this has to be a troll. No one is this much of an immature brat. Good job OP. Its been awhile since I've fallen this badly for a troll.

[Anonymous]

We're an inattentive ADHD, anxious family, so our summer are always low-key. We relax to make-up for the stress of the school year.

I don't quite understand what the problem is here, though. Your husband is doing the work, and he's tired. Your kids are very busy, and they're tired. You're tired from your job. In your situation, I would cut back on some activities. Boredom is GOOD. It fosters creativity. It gives one time to think and grow. Running about all the time is stupid - that's my controversial opinion

But if none of the planned activities are refundable, and/or your kids want to continue doing this, perhaps your husband does not wish to cancel. I understand that too.

I would bring up the concept of boredom being good, and discuss the logistics of that (are they old enough to stay by themselves, how much screentime, etc). But ultimately, since your husband is doing the schlepping, I would defer to him for the rest of the summer.

[Anonymous]

God I hope he divorces you. I can't imagine how miserable you are to live with. There is NO WAY you're a good parent based on how you act on here. Do better for your kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

We are not calling him a saint. Just you a jerk. Don't make this about your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

Ni, you are terrible. You've taken zero advice given to you and continue to act this way. You sound miserable and have zero self awareness. Good luck with that OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW here. I'm your husband as my job is more flexible so I'm the default parent. I set up all the logistics and do all the driving. It's HARD! And if my DH came to me and complained that HE doesn't like that the kids are in too many activities, I'd laugh and say, well, how do you plan to contribute to make it less hectic?

You don't know how lucky you are. You don't lift a finger to make things happen and you're criticizing how your H does things--that's what makes you a jerk. A giant, entitled, clueless jerk.

+1. I do all of the planning for the kids' camps and DH rarely knows what is going on until the weekend before the next camp. We don't do camps each week and I can sympathize with you on not overloading the kids because I do like them to have down time but mine are tweens so they can entertain themselves. I spend a lot time each year to get the right balance, sign them up for camps with their friends, etc and it's hard. My younger one told me last week that he doesnt want to go to the camp I signed him up for next week, with a friend. I was pissed at my son because I can't just cancel and find something else at this point. And his friend is going so that they could be together.

But here's the difference between you and DH. He totally supported me, talked to my son and we came to a compromise. He also does a good portion of the drop-offs and pick-ups because he is 100% remote and I am hybrid. You are willing to do nothing and then still complain. It doesn't work that way. I know you think are being an involved mom by being the scout mom (whatever that means) but since it sounds like you are not the troop leader and you complained about too many emails, don't pat yourself on the back too much.

Having said that, you sound depressed and you need help. I don't say that to be mean, I just think you are misplacing your emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

We are not calling him a saint. Just you a jerk. Don't make this about your spouse.

It is clear OP has some severe mental health issues and has no self awareness or accountability. I feel bad for her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm frustrated because I can see how busy we are and I am worried about getting swept up in a sea of activities once school starts. Here's a point I made, the kids need time after school to do homework for example. If we load up the schedule and the kids are running all over the place, it's going to be hard on everyone.

And I do drive our son to his music lesson on Mondays. And I am the girl scout mom, I manage all of that during the school year -- it's A LOT of email and nonsense. DH isn't involved at all beyond agreeing to occasionally pick up DD at scouts if I'm busy. So, I'm not a slug. I'm just not the details person. I don't like them, they stress me out, and yes, I'm like a lot of men, but it doesn't mean I'm a terrible mother. My opinions matter here.

DH basically said, I get it, school matters. He then said we need to organize a family meeting with the damn calendar he bought and filled up on the wall and go through all of these activities. Can't we just be the adults and shut this down? I don't want to be sitting in front of the kids with DH saying "Mom" doesn't want you to swim or dance or whatever. It's like once again, I'm the bad guy and jerk (apparently).

I'm having a hard time understanding what you want here. You want a slower pace of life, and you want everyone else to want that too, but they don't? Sorry but you have to compromise. You want to never think about details, but also have the schedule to your liking? Sorry that's not how adult life works. You want to talk about the schedule and plan time, but you don't want your DH to ever use a calendar? I don't get it.

Propose to your DH that the two of you sit down, without the kids, and decide what options you are willing to offer your kids. You don't have to do the whole thing with the kids present. But the fact of the matter here is that you ARE the parent who doesn't want them to do certain activities. You just are. Personally I agree with you-- down time and sleep and homework time are super important. But I own that as my parenting decision, I happily explain to the kids why they are only allowed two activities, and I take the blowback. I don't hide behind my DH and pretend like it's a shared opinion when really it isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

WOW! You are a piece of work. The guy is trying to keep himself sober and you are complaining about him going to AA meetings??? You are lucky he isn't out having an affair instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
We're an inattentive ADHD, anxious family, so our summer are always low-key. We relax to make-up for the stress of the school year.

I don't quite understand what the problem is here, though. Your husband is doing the work, and he's tired. Your kids are very busy, and they're tired. You're tired from your job. In your situation, I would cut back on some activities. Boredom is GOOD. It fosters creativity. It gives one time to think and grow. Running about all the time is stupid - that's my controversial opinion

But if none of the planned activities are refundable, and/or your kids want to continue doing this, perhaps your husband does not wish to cancel. I understand that too.

I would bring up the concept of boredom being good, and discuss the logistics of that (are they old enough to stay by themselves, how much screentime, etc). But ultimately, since your husband is doing the schlepping, I would defer to him for the rest of the summer.

How old are they? I assume they are at camp full time and they are driven to other activities after camp. Do they have activities on the weekends? That doesn’t sound appealing at all. It’s up to the adults to ensure they have down time, time to see family, time to just hang out with friends. Overloading kids will cause burnout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Listen, my husband isn't a saint. He's an alcoholic (yes, he's been "sober" for a few years, but he goes to meetings (it's yet another thing we are juggling every damn week) and his own struggles have made my own life hell. I was raised by a drunk dad and know how terrible it is). I forgave him when he admitted he had a drinking problem during the pandemic and got evening out patient treatment but it's unfair to be like he's a saint! No one is a saint. He's a good parent (oddly even when he was drinking he was an attentive, involved parent, he was just angry all the time. Now, he's all "I feel this" or "I hear that" or "let's keep our streets clean and be transparent" -- tons of AA speak.

So, all of you who think I'm just terrible, just be clear, I'm not. I am human. But I still deserve to be viewed as an adult with a say.

WOW! You are a piece of work. The guy is trying to keep himself sober and you are complaining about him going to AA meetings??? You are lucky he isn't out having an affair instead.

With what TIME! lol. He's running all over town with kids, cooking, and doing all of the parenting while working. He's probably exhausted.