Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

If you were his WIFE and your name was on the deed, then it would matter. But since she’s a GIRLFRIEND be it’s not her house, it doesn’t.

If she is a live-in and/or very serious girlfriend it's absolutely her right.

Nope. And OP is smart and prioritizes his kids, so it sounds like it won’t be an issue anyway, since she won’t be allowed to move into his house if she demands to control his kids. Good.

These are college kids coming to use the pool, they are not coming to have heart-to-heart bonding with Daddy. It is totally and completely reasonable for her to have a heads up that people who don't live at the house, will be at the house. As the *parent* in this situation (not the girlfriend), I would want a heads up that my child is coming, so she doesn't walk in on us doing it or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would she not get a say in who comes over to her home and when?? If she moves in, it's her home too. Of course she deserves a heads up when she will have guests!

They’re not guests. They’re OP’s kids. OP is never going to treat them like guests. Maybe a rule could be set up about a heads up if they bring a friend over. But the kids are family and likely consider their dad’s house “home” the way many young adult children do when they are first launching.

Yes and part of helping kids launch is establishing reasonable boundaries.

DP. OP said his kids are *still in college.*

When I was in college I still considered my parents’ house to be my home. There were rules over breaks about keeping the noise down past a certain hour but I 100% was using the pool and having friends over basically when I wanted. I ate what I wanted in the house. I came and went as I pleased although I’d give them a courtesy heads up about where I was headed and when I’d be home so they wouldn’t worry. But I definitely wasn’t acting like a house guest.

Of course my parents were still married and they love me and knew my friends and had a general interest in my life and having me around. OP’s GF doesn’t have that level of interest in their life so it feels like an imposition on her.

Yes still in college is part of the launch period.
It's great your parents didn't give a shit what you did or at least pretended not to.
The fact still remains it's not inappropriate to call and let someone know you are coming over or bringing friends home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

If you were his WIFE and your name was on the deed, then it would matter. But since she’s a GIRLFRIEND be it’s not her house, it doesn’t.

If she is a live-in and/or very serious girlfriend it's absolutely her right.

Nope. And OP is smart and prioritizes his kids, so it sounds like it won’t be an issue anyway, since she won’t be allowed to move into his house if she demands to control his kids. Good.

These are college kids coming to use the pool, they are not coming to have heart-to-heart bonding with Daddy. It is totally and completely reasonable for her to have a heads up that people who don't live at the house, will be at the house. As the *parent* in this situation (not the girlfriend), I would want a heads up that my child is coming, so she doesn't walk in on us doing it or something.

You can keep repeating this as many times as you like, but you’ll still be wrong. She’ll get that right when she has a ring and not before.

[Anonymous]

Break up. She wants privacy in her home and normalcy in relationships between adults and you want enduring enmeshment and prolonged adolescence. Neither is objectively wrong but you clearly want different things.

(Adult daughter who loves her still-married parents enormously but would consider it disrespectful to show up without calling or texting like their house is a hotel)

[Anonymous]

Everyone is crossing the line here and hitting one another. Why would you even ask her to live with you if your kids can come and go?

[Anonymous]

You are definitely not normal. If you want her to move in, you do absolutely need to place reasonable limits on your adult kids! Texting/calling before stopping by, and asking permission before bringing friends, is not too much to ask for. If she moves in, it is HER home too, and she should have the expectation that she could walk around in her underwear and not have a bunch of 20-somethings come sauntering thru the door! What if she invites a friend over for a quiet lunch and a swim and then all of a sudden she is playing host to a pool party? Not okay. I expect my 12yo to give me a heads up if he is bringing friends over, I may need to put a bra on!

See if you can come up with a compromise. Kids can come over whenever they want with a heads up so she isn’t barged in on, but they have to be respectful (not eating her food/making messes etc). They need permission to bring friends. Or express advance permission (ie - “We have no plans this weekend, feel free to bring the gang by whenever, just text us when you’re on the way! But next weekend Sally is hosting bridge club on Saturday, so your friends have to clear out by 3.”

It sounds like you aren’t ready to be in a partnership, and that’s okay! You are still enmeshed with your kids, even though they don’t live with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

If you were his WIFE and your name was on the deed, then it would matter. But since she’s a GIRLFRIEND be it’s not her house, it doesn’t.

If she is a live-in and/or very serious girlfriend it's absolutely her right.

Nope. And OP is smart and prioritizes his kids, so it sounds like it won’t be an issue anyway, since she won’t be allowed to move into his house if she demands to control his kids. Good.

These are college kids coming to use the pool, they are not coming to have heart-to-heart bonding with Daddy. It is totally and completely reasonable for her to have a heads up that people who don't live at the house, will be at the house. As the *parent* in this situation (not the girlfriend), I would want a heads up that my child is coming, so she doesn't walk in on us doing it or something.

Neat. Well, when the post becomes about you and not OP, that might become relevant. Shrug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

If you were his WIFE and your name was on the deed, then it would matter. But since she’s a GIRLFRIEND be it’s not her house, it doesn’t.

If she is a live-in and/or very serious girlfriend it's absolutely her right.

Nope. And OP is smart and prioritizes his kids, so it sounds like it won’t be an issue anyway, since she won’t be allowed to move into his house if she demands to control his kids. Good.

These are college kids coming to use the pool, they are not coming to have heart-to-heart bonding with Daddy. It is totally and completely reasonable for her to have a heads up that people who don't live at the house, will be at the house. As the *parent* in this situation (not the girlfriend), I would want a heads up that my child is coming, so she doesn't walk in on us doing it or something.

You can keep repeating this as many times as you like, but you’ll still be wrong. She’ll get that right when she has a ring and not before.

The PP is "wrong" to want a heads up?? You're potentially nuts. Listen, if all the parties agree that they're fine with the arrangement of 'no heads up needed', that's great. But there are lots and lots of people on here telling you that in their non-blended homes, everyone, including teen and adult children, and adult spouses, give each other the courtesy of a heads up when they bring people over. To suggest that all of those functioning, happy families are "wrong" is totally bizarre.

[Anonymous]

What a b. You sound like a great dad. Keep it up with the kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

If you were his WIFE and your name was on the deed, then it would matter. But since she’s a GIRLFRIEND be it’s not her house, it doesn’t.

If she is a live-in and/or very serious girlfriend it's absolutely her right.

Nope. And OP is smart and prioritizes his kids, so it sounds like it won’t be an issue anyway, since she won’t be allowed to move into his house if she demands to control his kids. Good.

These are college kids coming to use the pool, they are not coming to have heart-to-heart bonding with Daddy. It is totally and completely reasonable for her to have a heads up that people who don't live at the house, will be at the house. As the *parent* in this situation (not the girlfriend), I would want a heads up that my child is coming, so she doesn't walk in on us doing it or something.

You can keep repeating this as many times as you like, but you’ll still be wrong. She’ll get that right when she has a ring and not before.

The "right"? It sounds like this relationship has some kind of weird power imbalance. Like OP and his house are some prize to be won. Is she like a sugar baby something? I personally wouldn't want to date someone who was opposed to setting boundaries with their adult children as that issue will manifest itself in other future scenarios outside the pool. Also wouldn't want to move into someone else's house, especially here where the new person will clearly always be an outsider. The only reason I can imagine putting up with this nonsense is if she has nothing of her own...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

If you were his WIFE and your name was on the deed, then it would matter. But since she’s a GIRLFRIEND be it’s not her house, it doesn’t.

If she is a live-in and/or very serious girlfriend it's absolutely her right.

Nope. And OP is smart and prioritizes his kids, so it sounds like it won’t be an issue anyway, since she won’t be allowed to move into his house if she demands to control his kids. Good.

These are college kids coming to use the pool, they are not coming to have heart-to-heart bonding with Daddy. It is totally and completely reasonable for her to have a heads up that people who don't live at the house, will be at the house. As the *parent* in this situation (not the girlfriend), I would want a heads up that my child is coming, so she doesn't walk in on us doing it or something.

You can keep repeating this as many times as you like, but you’ll still be wrong. She’ll get that right when she has a ring and not before.

The PP is "wrong" to want a heads up?? You're potentially nuts. Listen, if all the parties agree that they're fine with the arrangement of 'no heads up needed', that's great. But there are lots and lots of people on here telling you that in their non-blended homes, everyone, including teen and adult children, and adult spouses, give each other the courtesy of a heads up when they bring people over. To suggest that all of those functioning, happy families are "wrong" is totally bizarre.

OP has made his decision about the rules with his own kids in his own home. If she doesn’t like them, she doesn’t need to move in. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Drain the pool for 24 months and see who actually wants a real relationship with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would she not get a say in who comes over to her home and when?? If she moves in, it's her home too. Of course she deserves a heads up when she will have guests!

They’re not guests. They’re OP’s kids. OP is never going to treat them like guests. Maybe a rule could be set up about a heads up if they bring a friend over. But the kids are family and likely consider their dad’s house “home” the way many young adult children do when they are first launching.

Yes and part of helping kids launch is establishing reasonable boundaries.

DP. OP said his kids are *still in college.*

When I was in college I still considered my parents’ house to be my home. There were rules over breaks about keeping the noise down past a certain hour but I 100% was using the pool and having friends over basically when I wanted. I ate what I wanted in the house. I came and went as I pleased although I’d give them a courtesy heads up about where I was headed and when I’d be home so they wouldn’t worry. But I definitely wasn’t acting like a house guest.

Of course my parents were still married and they love me and knew my friends and had a general interest in my life and having me around. OP’s GF doesn’t have that level of interest in their life so it feels like an imposition on her.

Yes still in college is part of the launch period.
It's great your parents didn't give a shit what you did or at least pretended not to.
The fact still remains it's not inappropriate to call and let someone know you are coming over or bringing friends home

So in between going off to college and coming home for Christmas break your kids had to start letting you know when they’d be home and have friends over? Suddenly they’re guests to you and your house is no longer home to them? I guess you just didn’t have that close of a relationship with your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also if your ex-wife’s husband is really your “best friend”, then yeah, i’m guessing you do have boundary issues.

This makes me think OP is a troll.

It’s the troll.

Long posts, illogic and ends with silly hypotheticals, followed by lots of sock puppeting to gin up clicks and responses.

[Anonymous]

Go write some lame YA books OP!