Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes in life you can’t please both sides, you need to make choices. I think this is exactly the case. You are either hurting your kids by letting another woman change their lives and eventually giving them a competitive heir, or you are hurting your gf by not giving her everything she wants. Seems like you made the right choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

If you were his WIFE and your name was on the deed, then it would matter. But since she’s a GIRLFRIEND be it’s not her house, it doesn’t.

If she is a live-in and/or very serious girlfriend it's absolutely her right.

Nope. And OP is smart and prioritizes his kids, so it sounds like it won’t be an issue anyway, since she won’t be allowed to move into his house if she demands to control his kids. Good.

These are college kids coming to use the pool, they are not coming to have heart-to-heart bonding with Daddy. It is totally and completely reasonable for her to have a heads up that people who don't live at the house, will be at the house. As the *parent* in this situation (not the girlfriend), I would want a heads up that my child is coming, so she doesn't walk in on us doing it or something.

You can keep repeating this as many times as you like, but you’ll still be wrong. She’ll get that right when she has a ring and not before.

The PP is "wrong" to want a heads up?? You're potentially nuts. Listen, if all the parties agree that they're fine with the arrangement of 'no heads up needed', that's great. But there are lots and lots of people on here telling you that in their non-blended homes, everyone, including teen and adult children, and adult spouses, give each other the courtesy of a heads up when they bring people over. To suggest that all of those functioning, happy families are "wrong" is totally bizarre.

She didn’t ask for a “heads up” that they’re bringing friends over. She wants the kids to have to be “invited” over. She wants to set limits on how often they can be there. This is totally different than “hey dad, can Larla join for dinner and swimming tonight?”

OP’s GF wants to turn his kids into house guests. Which might be ok if the kids were grown adults with families of their own. But we’re talking about college kids on summer break. A 19 year old sophomore shouldn’t need to be “invited” to their parent’s home because the parent’s girlfriend wants to live a kid free life with someone who has kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here,

I am willing to compromise but not by much. My gf wants to limit the time they spend at my house and I think that is why I reacted so strongly and put the break up option on the table.

I can tell her that the kids can text before they arrive but that is it. That is as far as I am willing to compromise. I don't think that will be enough for her though. As for her background she is divorced and concentrated on her career vs having kids and decided not to have children of her own.

I live in the house they grew up in so they do consider it their home and I want them to. I am use to a revolving door of kids and a loud house.

I am fairly certain we are going to break up but you all gave me a lot to think about.

So as far as my ex wifes husband and our friendship. We are bonded by a mutual love of sports. Our kids are friends and attended the same school. Two of our sons are athletes which meant lots of time on the road and going to games. It started as car pooling and then we started hanging out on our own. It evolved over time. The ex and I had a very amicable divorce so there were no hard feelings on either side.

[Anonymous]

S/O Tell us about how your ex wife wound up married to your best friend.

[Anonymous]

OP it makes a difference that this is the house they grew up on. This is your kids home. GF should not limit their time there. Although I can see where it would be annoying from her perspective. However she has no right to cut your kids out of their childhood home.

[Anonymous]

I doubt you’re breaking up a three-year relationship over just the pool. There seems to be bigger issues at play here, including enmeshment with your college kids, ex and her new husband (who is also your best friend?). There isn’t even room for you in that picture, let alone your significant other. Not that you ever want to get married again based on your writing, but when my sister married a divorcee with grown children, they bought a house together that was a fresh start for both of them and they set the rules for the house together. But in that case, they were actually in love and wanted to make a life together. I don’t get that vibe from your post. It seems like you are happy with the life you already have, and just want some companionship on your terms, and if someone pushes back, then you’ll move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I am willing to compromise but not by much. My gf wants to limit the time they spend at my house and I think that is why I reacted so strongly and put the break up option on the table.

I can tell her that the kids can text before they arrive but that is it. That is as far as I am willing to compromise. I don't think that will be enough for her though. As for her background she is divorced and concentrated on her career vs having kids and decided not to have children of her own.

I live in the house they grew up in so they do consider it their home and I want them to. I am use to a revolving door of kids and a loud house.

I am fairly certain we are going to break up but you all gave me a lot to think about.

So as far as my ex wifes husband and our friendship. We are bonded by a mutual love of sports. Our kids are friends and attended the same school. Two of our sons are athletes which meant lots of time on the road and going to games. It started as car pooling and then we started hanging out on our own. It evolved over time. The ex and I had a very amicable divorce so there were no hard feelings on either side.

Show your GF what you wrote here. If she has self respect she will leave for someone who wants a relationship of equals with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why parents need to stay together in nuclear families. Nobody loves your kids like you do.

I mean obviously sometimes marriages don’t work out and occasionally the step relationship is great but I think 99 % of the time you’re right-no one loves will be as generous and warm hearted to your kids as their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I am willing to compromise but not by much. My gf wants to limit the time they spend at my house and I think that is why I reacted so strongly and put the break up option on the table.

I can tell her that the kids can text before they arrive but that is it. That is as far as I am willing to compromise. I don't think that will be enough for her though. As for her background she is divorced and concentrated on her career vs having kids and decided not to have children of her own.

I live in the house they grew up in so they do consider it their home and I want them to. I am use to a revolving door of kids and a loud house.

I am fairly certain we are going to break up but you all gave me a lot to think about.

So as far as my ex wifes husband and our friendship. We are bonded by a mutual love of sports. Our kids are friends and attended the same school. Two of our sons are athletes which meant lots of time on the road and going to games. It started as car pooling and then we started hanging out on our own. It evolved over time. The ex and I had a very amicable divorce so there were no hard feelings on either side.

Show your GF what you wrote here. If she has self respect she will leave for someone who wants a relationship of equals with her.

“Relationship of equals” is just stupid pseudo intellect. The thing is they want different lifestyles and that is ok. Maybe it means they won’t be together. But there is nothing “unequal” about things.

If OP’s GF had kids of her own she would grasp the absurdity of expecting OP’s young adult kids needing an invite to their childhood home. Like many parents, OP enjoys having his kids around. He likes the lifestyle of kids and friends around. He likes the “family lifestyle.” He will probably want a houseful of grandkids visiting some day too.

Whereas GF wants a very adult only lifestyle. She doesn’t mind the kids around in a limited house guest capacity. That isn’t compatible with someone who is an engaged parent who views their parental responsibilities as going past age 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why parents need to stay together in nuclear families. Nobody loves your kids like you do.

I mean obviously sometimes marriages don’t work out and occasionally the step relationship is great but I think 99 % of the time you’re right-no one loves will be as generous and warm hearted to your kids as their parents.

At the very least you have to date another parent who gets it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have young adult children who are still in college but live on their own but my ex wife and I still support them. They have been coming over more than usual (mostly weekends) because I have a pool not necessarily to visit me. lol Sometimes they bring their friends.

My kids can come over whenever they want and don't have to call or knock. They have keys to the house. It has never occurred to me to ask them to call first. Its a very foreign concept to me to do otherwise.

I have a gf and we have been together 3 years and she stays over a lot. Maybe 4/7 days a week. We have talked about her moving in but she told me I needed to create some boundaries with my kids. She said they needed to call first or be invited. Maybe not come over quite so much and to limit how long they stayed and limit their pool time.

I told her she was being offensive and she would never ever dictate anything regarding my kids. The way I looked at it we could either break up or keep the status quo of living separately. She started crying and she told me our family dynamics were not normal. I told her since she had no children she could not make that judgment. I was talking to my ex wife husband who is also my best friend and asked him for advice. He said he is the same way with his kids and if my ex wife ever came to him with that garbage he would divorce her and is sure she would do the same.

Am I off base here? I really think I need to break up with her. This has never been an issue before.

Dad here with college kids but no pool.

Your gf is out of line. Be explicit about that. This is their home before hers. Set that B straight.

My GF would NEVER.

If yours splits over this (trust me, she won’t), consider it a blessing.

What a total twatwaffle. Jesus.

[Anonymous]

You are the man of the house. Take control and don’t take crap from anyone. Man up.

Or just grab your purse and head out to get your nails done. Your choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have young adult children who are still in college but live on their own but my ex wife and I still support them. They have been coming over more than usual (mostly weekends) because I have a pool not necessarily to visit me. lol Sometimes they bring their friends.

My kids can come over whenever they want and don't have to call or knock. They have keys to the house. It has never occurred to me to ask them to call first. Its a very foreign concept to me to do otherwise.

I have a gf and we have been together 3 years and she stays over a lot. Maybe 4/7 days a week. We have talked about her moving in but she told me I needed to create some boundaries with my kids. She said they needed to call first or be invited. Maybe not come over quite so much and to limit how long they stayed and limit their pool time.

I told her she was being offensive and she would never ever dictate anything regarding my kids. The way I looked at it we could either break up or keep the status quo of living separately. She started crying and she told me our family dynamics were not normal. I told her since she had no children she could not make that judgment. I was talking to my ex wife husband who is also my best friend and asked him for advice. He said he is the same way with his kids and if my ex wife ever came to him with that garbage he would divorce her and is sure she would do the same.

Am I off base here? I really think I need to break up with her. This has never been an issue before.

Dad here with college kids but no pool.

Your gf is out of line. Be explicit about that. This is their home before hers. Set that B straight.

My GF would NEVER.

If yours splits over this (trust me, she won’t), consider it a blessing.

What a total twatwaffle. Jesus.

I and all of my friends would split with any man who refers to other women as a "B" or a "twatwaffle". Also, I don't know of any women at or near OP's purported age who even want to move into a man's house that he raised his kids in with his ex. It's not like that would be some carrot to keep us in a relationship. If she's an adult woman who has been focusing on her career instead of having children, she probably has a nice, peaceful house or condo with her own art and furniture and no one else to clean up after? I love my husband and children, but that version of a life sound good too. No way I'd put up with my own loud, messy obnoxious children and their equally obnoxious friends if I didn't love them unconditionally because they are MY children. I don't see what's in this relationship for OP's girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Why would she not get a say in who comes over to her home and when?? If she moves in, it's her home too. Of course she deserves a heads up when she will have guests!

They’re not guests. They’re OP’s kids. OP is never going to treat them like guests. Maybe a rule could be set up about a heads up if they bring a friend over. But the kids are family and likely consider their dad’s house “home” the way many young adult children do when they are first launching.

Yes and part of helping kids launch is establishing reasonable boundaries.

DP. OP said his kids are *still in college.*

When I was in college I still considered my parents’ house to be my home. There were rules over breaks about keeping the noise down past a certain hour but I 100% was using the pool and having friends over basically when I wanted. I ate what I wanted in the house. I came and went as I pleased although I’d give them a courtesy heads up about where I was headed and when I’d be home so they wouldn’t worry. But I definitely wasn’t acting like a house guest.

Of course my parents were still married and they love me and knew my friends and had a general interest in my life and having me around. OP’s GF doesn’t have that level of interest in their life so it feels like an imposition on her.

Yes still in college is part of the launch period.
It's great your parents didn't give a shit what you did or at least pretended not to.
The fact still remains it's not inappropriate to call and let someone know you are coming over or bringing friends home

So in between going off to college and coming home for Christmas break your kids had to start letting you know when they’d be home and have friends over? Suddenly they’re guests to you and your house is no longer home to them? I guess you just didn’t have that close of a relationship with your parents.

Yes to the first part

No to the second. We see each other several times a week.

I don't know where your parents failed you that you'd hope someone had a terrible relationship with their parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have young adult children who are still in college but live on their own but my ex wife and I still support them. They have been coming over more than usual (mostly weekends) because I have a pool not necessarily to visit me. lol Sometimes they bring their friends.

My kids can come over whenever they want and don't have to call or knock. They have keys to the house. It has never occurred to me to ask them to call first. Its a very foreign concept to me to do otherwise.

I have a gf and we have been together 3 years and she stays over a lot. Maybe 4/7 days a week. We have talked about her moving in but she told me I needed to create some boundaries with my kids. She said they needed to call first or be invited. Maybe not come over quite so much and to limit how long they stayed and limit their pool time.

I told her she was being offensive and she would never ever dictate anything regarding my kids. The way I looked at it we could either break up or keep the status quo of living separately. She started crying and she told me our family dynamics were not normal. I told her since she had no children she could not make that judgment. I was talking to my ex wife husband who is also my best friend and asked him for advice. He said he is the same way with his kids and if my ex wife ever came to him with that garbage he would divorce her and is sure she would do the same.

Am I off base here? I really think I need to break up with her. This has never been an issue before.

Dad here with college kids but no pool.

Your gf is out of line. Be explicit about that. This is their home before hers. Set that B straight.

My GF would NEVER.

If yours splits over this (trust me, she won’t), consider it a blessing.

What a total twatwaffle. Jesus.

No one is dating you. Stop lying