Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?

[Anonymous]

Your relationship with your kids is probably pretty normal, including the open door policy.

That said, your GF of 3 years is totally within bounds to be annoyed by this policy. If you care about them both, you probably need to find a compromise. If you refuse any compromise and tell your GF that you're not budging, then I think your GF is within her rights to be hurt and angry by your response.

[Anonymous]

After three years she needs to move on and it’s clear why you are divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s normal for kids to ask or tell their parents before bringing friends over.

I also would typically call or text my parents before stopping by.

So even eliminating the step issue, I don’t think that’s abnormal.

Maybe you could compromise - your kids can come over whenever, but if they are bringing friends at the very least they need to give a heads up.

One tension I have with my boyfriend who I live with is he doesn’t tell me when people are coming over. Like his parents will be coming over and he won’t even tell me - they just appear. It’s bizarre. I don’t understand why he doesn’t understand that I might want a to push the dishes in the dishwasher or put on a bra before his mom stops by.

I think that's exactly what his GF had in mind when she asked for some heads up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s normal for kids to ask or tell their parents before bringing friends over.

I also would typically call or text my parents before stopping by.

So even eliminating the step issue, I don’t think that’s abnormal.

Maybe you could compromise - your kids can come over whenever, but if they are bringing friends at the very least they need to give a heads up.

One tension I have with my boyfriend who I live with is he doesn’t tell me when people are coming over. Like his parents will be coming over and he won’t even tell me - they just appear. It’s bizarre. I don’t understand why he doesn’t understand that I might want a to push the dishes in the dishwasher or put on a bra before his mom stops by.

I think that's exactly what his GF had in mind when she asked for some heads up.

Yes! I think it's totally reasonable. Heads up =/= permission. Just some notification so if she's walking around naked ro doing a conference call, she isn't inundated with random loud teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually don’t think she’s being unreasonable to want some boundaries. If she moves in, a compromise would be for your kids to give you a heads up when they’re stopping by. What if she’s not dressed or something when they walk-in unannounced? But I would never set a limit on how long my kids could stay or how frequently they could come over.

Yeah, a heads up text or call isn't unreasonable. Not a permission thing, just a "hey, I'm coming over". For the KIDS. If they want to bring friends, and eat all your/her food and take over the backyard and pool, asking permission might be more important in those circumstances.

[Anonymous]

I think you sound like a good dad and I agree with you. Your kids come first and you don't want to make them feel unwelcome. At the same time in her position I would find it annoying to have college-age kids and their friends just show up without warning. I agree with PPs that you do seem emotional and reactive about this and that there's no reason for you to jump to breaking up with her. It's understandable that she doesn't get it, since she doesn't have kids. It doesn't mean you can't work it out

[Anonymous]

You are not off base. It’s essentially your kids’ house, too. In our family even your childhood home is still considered your home forever. OP run from her. My friend married someone like her bc she changed her time long enough to get married. Well no surprise but once they were married, the welcoming attitude to his child went out the window quickly. She has completely pushed the stepson away. He used to be so close to his father but is now actually closer to his stepfather. It’s sad

[Anonymous]

This is why parents need to stay together in nuclear families. Nobody loves your kids like you do.

[Anonymous]

It’s not their house anymore. They are visitors and definitely so are the friends. It is not unreasonable at all especially if it’s not just stopping over for something small and when bringing friends. This guy probably just wants his kids to come by more and the only way he can is to have this pool they can use so he can feel like they care about him and he’s a cool dad. He probably just knows they won’t follow through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why parents need to stay together in nuclear families. Nobody loves your kids like you do.

These kids are only coming over for the pool. If he moves to a condo they wouldn’t even come over.

[Anonymous]

The kids don’t live with him even in the summer so it’s not their home. They just want a free pool and I bet they bring friends just about every time because college kids don’t usually trek all the way to dads place just for a pool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would she not get a say in who comes over to her home and when?? If she moves in, it's her home too. Of course she deserves a heads up when she will have guests!

The kids are not guests!

[Anonymous]

I would think you would want her to feel comfortable walking around naked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would she not get a say in who comes over to her home and when?? If she moves in, it's her home too. Of course she deserves a heads up when she will have guests!

The kids are not guests!

The kids are not, but the your adult friends they bring with them sure are. I wouldn't want to live in a house with a revolving door either.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are 100% right. I think you need to break up with her because she has no idea what being a parent is.