Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are people this really black and white? OP if your girlfriend is important to you and is asking you to set some boundaries, sit down and discuss what that would look like. If you’ve been dating her for three years, it is reasonable for her to want some integration into your life, which probably means interacting with your kids in some sort of structured way. If your kids are using your house as a pool club, that may or may not be comfortable for her, but there is probably a solution here that suits everybody. Dumping her would not be my first response, but if it’s yours, do her a favor and let her find someone else.

Yeah, no. You are impressively wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you weren’t very considerate of her feelings but I agree her request was wrong.

Can you go to her and say “I’m sorry - I think I overreacted to your request. It’s non-negotiable to me that limits be placed on my kids’ access to the house but if you can live with it, I would still like you to move in. But in doing so, you should know this is never going to change, so you do need to get on board with this lifestyle.”

It’s less aggressive than the way you spoke to her previously .

Honestly I think they’re doomed if this is what it takes. The GF is always going to feel put out and annoyed by them even if she pretends to “get on board” with the lifestyle. She is either going to always feel like a guest in the family (ie dad and kids’ home) or like they’re intruding on her home. She doesn’t see herself and the kids as part of a unit in that home. What happens down the line when OP becomes a grandparent and his kids are popping by with a toddler.

I really don’t think I could ever date a non-parent because they truly don’t get how much your kids will always come first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband of 20 years... still gives me a heads up if someone is coming over. Or if he's going out, or when he expects to be home. Isn't this what normal people do? In what world is it ever okay for your kids to come and go without any communication, and even worse, to bring other people over without any heads up? That's just rude.

OP if you can't put this minimal level of polite behavior on your kids, you're a jerk.

Thank you!. I'm glad someone here can be honest and objective.

I was rolling my eyes at some of these responses that are clearly people projecting their issues with their stepmom new wife on the situation.

I was expecting to read that the girlfriend was saying he shouldn't have visitation with his kids or that he should only see them once a month or something else ridiculous.
But her view is more than reasonable.

Exactly. They are thinking of moving in together and he just expects her to put up with whatever he throws her way. He has no consideration that it will be her home too and she might need some peace and quiet occasionally from all of the extra adults in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would she not get a say in who comes over to her home and when?? If she moves in, it's her home too. Of course she deserves a heads up when she will have guests!

They’re not guests. They’re OP’s kids. OP is never going to treat them like guests. Maybe a rule could be set up about a heads up if they bring a friend over. But the kids are family and likely consider their dad’s house “home” the way many young adult children do when they are first launching.

Yes and part of helping kids launch is establishing reasonable boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband of 20 years... still gives me a heads up if someone is coming over. Or if he's going out, or when he expects to be home. Isn't this what normal people do? In what world is it ever okay for your kids to come and go without any communication, and even worse, to bring other people over without any heads up? That's just rude.

OP if you can't put this minimal level of polite behavior on your kids, you're a jerk.

Thank you!. I'm glad someone here can be honest and objective.

I was rolling my eyes at some of these responses that are clearly people projecting their issues with their stepmom new wife on the situation.

I was expecting to read that the girlfriend was saying he shouldn't have visitation with his kids or that he should only see them once a month or something else ridiculous.
But her view is more than reasonable.

Exactly. They are thinking of moving in together and he just expects her to put up with whatever he throws her way. He has no consideration that it will be her home too and she might need some peace and quiet occasionally from all of the extra adults in the house.

Exactly. They are thinking of moving in together and he just expects her to put up with whatever he throws her way. He has no consideration that it will be her home too and she might need some peace and quiet occasionally from all of the extra adults in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

If you were his WIFE and your name was on the deed, then it would matter. But since she’s a GIRLFRIEND be it’s not her house, it doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would she not get a say in who comes over to her home and when?? If she moves in, it's her home too. Of course she deserves a heads up when she will have guests!

It’s
Not
Her
Home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

If you were his WIFE and your name was on the deed, then it would matter. But since she’s a GIRLFRIEND be it’s not her house, it doesn’t.

If she is a live-in and/or very serious girlfriend it's absolutely her right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are 100% right. I think you need to break up with her because she has no idea what being a parent is.

And apparently, he has no idea what being a partner is.

Bingo! The whole "I'm a dad and my kids come first" is nothing but a strawman.

Op is at least 50 has a woman he's been seeing for 3 years and is only now getting serious and only thinking about moving in.
He's not serious . He's purposefully being obtuse about this and overactive he was itching for a reason to end things and not have to get serious with the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband of 20 years... still gives me a heads up if someone is coming over. Or if he's going out, or when he expects to be home. Isn't this what normal people do? In what world is it ever okay for your kids to come and go without any communication, and even worse, to bring other people over without any heads up? That's just rude.

OP if you can't put this minimal level of polite behavior on your kids, you're a jerk.

So the GF would be totally cool with just a text saying they’re on their way over, right? No. She wants control and power of veto. Not happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would she not get a say in who comes over to her home and when?? If she moves in, it's her home too. Of course she deserves a heads up when she will have guests!

They’re not guests. They’re OP’s kids. OP is never going to treat them like guests. Maybe a rule could be set up about a heads up if they bring a friend over. But the kids are family and likely consider their dad’s house “home” the way many young adult children do when they are first launching.

Yes and part of helping kids launch is establishing reasonable boundaries.

DP. OP said his kids are *still in college.*

When I was in college I still considered my parents’ house to be my home. There were rules over breaks about keeping the noise down past a certain hour but I 100% was using the pool and having friends over basically when I wanted. I ate what I wanted in the house. I came and went as I pleased although I’d give them a courtesy heads up about where I was headed and when I’d be home so they wouldn’t worry. But I definitely wasn’t acting like a house guest.

Of course my parents were still married and they love me and knew my friends and had a general interest in my life and having me around. OP’s GF doesn’t have that level of interest in their life so it feels like an imposition on her.

[Anonymous]

The people saying it was "wrong" of OP's girlfriend to make this request and that OP is "absolutely right" to place zero restrictions on his kids.... this is bonkers. Do you grown adults really strive to have zero limits or expectations on your kids? This is so bizarre to me. How hard is it, what kind of inconvenience is it, to ask adult children to shoot a text twenty minutes before showing up at home with 4 friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

If you were his WIFE and your name was on the deed, then it would matter. But since she’s a GIRLFRIEND be it’s not her house, it doesn’t.

If she is a live-in and/or very serious girlfriend it's absolutely her right.

Nope. And OP is smart and prioritizes his kids, so it sounds like it won’t be an issue anyway, since she won’t be allowed to move into his house if she demands to control his kids. Good.

[Anonymous]

My dad was married to a woman who had issues with my stopping by his house (which was my childhood home). She was jealous of the relationship my dad and I have and would compare stuff he did for me with what he did for her. Like on their wedding day she said over and over again when the three of us were together “hes mine, all mine”. It was gross. She didnt have kids of her own and a bad relationship w her parents so I chalked it up to her not understanding parental love. Turns out she was cray. They divorced.

[Anonymous]

How old is your girlfriend? Does she want kids of her own or has that ship sailed? Anyways, you aren't in the wrong; however, your personal situation sounds like a bad deal for her - sounds like she'll always be a third wheel at "your" house. I think breaking up with her would be kind as it'd give her a chance to find someone to enter into a relationship on more equal footing with someone.