Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?

[Anonymous]

I think this post accurately demonstrates why people with some standards and boundaries don't do well with people who have none.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now it's about time spent, soon it will be about inheritances spent.

Good point. Someone without kids will never truly understand that the kids will always come first. Another parent would get this. And tbh I’d be turned off by a guy who didn’t prioritize his kids.

There seems to be a critical mass here who thinks OP should date a woman with kids who will understand, maybe even praise him for prioritizing his kids. But would OP actually date a woman his own age with the same number of kids who is on great terms with her ex and best friends with his new wife and who lets her adult kids and all their friends come and go as they please at her house where they spend most of their time together, in her terms? Doubt it. He’s been with a childless woman for the last three years for a reason, right OP?

College kids. Coming home. To their bedroom in Dad's house. Could you imagine, "Dad, is it OK for me to come home and sleep in my pwn bed today, or does your girlfriend need my bedroom to practice mediation today?"

Well said - sounds like you have kids of your own? So OP should date you or someone like you. OP and his GF, however, are not compatible. His expectations of a woman who he stated is childless by choice are completely out of line. I still can't figure out what she sees in OP. Why would she want to give up her life for the chaos of his? I love and tolerate my children and their friends because I chose to have them and they're mine.

[Anonymous]

My kids father and I are married. We expect our kids to let us know when they’re coming home with people. Just like I let my husband know if I’m having friends over and he does the same. Common courtesy to the people you share a home with.

And for what it’s worth, my kids know, and I mean really know that they are always my top priority. For my spouse, over my job, over my friends, over everything. And at the same time, they know that they are expected to behave in a civil, respectable way. In our case, that includes all of us, letting each other know if we are having guests to the house, and if my kid who doesn’t live at home anymore is coming by, at least to text ahead. This is really not a big deal. It’s the basic civility we have for the people who share a home.

Honestly, I would think that your kids would want you to be in a solid, happy relationship in which your partner feels comfortable. I would feel completely weirded out by showing up unannounced to our house, where someone lived two wasn’t my parent or sibling, it would just seem super rude and weird, even if it was the house I grew up in.

Having read your various responses, I actually think your girlfriend will be far better off without you. Have you even thought to ask your kids what they think? God I would hate to think of either of my parents losing a girlfriend or a boyfriend and potential partner because they didn’t want me to call ahead before coming home. Honestly, I would just think my parent was looking for an excuse to break up our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids father and I are married. We expect our kids to let us know when they’re coming home with people. Just like I let my husband know if I’m having friends over and he does the same. Common courtesy to the people you share a home with.

And for what it’s worth, my kids know, and I mean really know that they are always my top priority. For my spouse, over my job, over my friends, over everything. And at the same time, they know that they are expected to behave in a civil, respectable way. In our case, that includes all of us, letting each other know if we are having guests to the house, and if my kid who doesn’t live at home anymore is coming by, at least to text ahead. This is really not a big deal. It’s the basic civility we have for the people who share a home.

Honestly, I would think that your kids would want you to be in a solid, happy relationship in which your partner feels comfortable. I would feel completely weirded out by showing up unannounced to our house, where someone lived two wasn’t my parent or sibling, it would just seem super rude and weird, even if it was the house I grew up in.

Having read your various responses, I actually think your girlfriend will be far better off without you. Have you even thought to ask your kids what they think? God I would hate to think of either of my parents losing a girlfriend or a boyfriend and potential partner because they didn’t want me to call ahead before coming home. Honestly, I would just think my parent was looking for an excuse to break up our relationship.

+1 to all of this.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t move into the kids childhood house if I was your GF. I would only live in my own /joint house with my partner where I am a true lady of the house with equal rights and decision making who visits and when. People sell houses and move into new ones with new partners all the time.

She’s right in a sense what she wants but wrong even considering to move into the house where kids grew up. It’s the cornerstone of the conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids father and I are married. We expect our kids to let us know when they’re coming home with people. Just like I let my husband know if I’m having friends over and he does the same. Common courtesy to the people you share a home with.

And for what it’s worth, my kids know, and I mean really know that they are always my top priority. For my spouse, over my job, over my friends, over everything. And at the same time, they know that they are expected to behave in a civil, respectable way. In our case, that includes all of us, letting each other know if we are having guests to the house, and if my kid who doesn’t live at home anymore is coming by, at least to text ahead. This is really not a big deal. It’s the basic civility we have for the people who share a home.

Honestly, I would think that your kids would want you to be in a solid, happy relationship in which your partner feels comfortable. I would feel completely weirded out by showing up unannounced to our house, where someone lived two wasn’t my parent or sibling, it would just seem super rude and weird, even if it was the house I grew up in.

Having read your various responses, I actually think your girlfriend will be far better off without you. Have you even thought to ask your kids what they think? God I would hate to think of either of my parents losing a girlfriend or a boyfriend and potential partner because they didn’t want me to call ahead before coming home. Honestly, I would just think my parent was looking for an excuse to break up our relationship.

DP, and FWIW I am not divorced but I am the child of one and had/have good relationships with my stepparents (one is deceased).

1) The dynamic when the parents are divorced and the person requesting the change is the new partner makes this situation different

2) The situation is different because a lifelong norm has been established. Breaking a lifelong norm is different from continuing a lifelong norm. My mom would look at me like I had 10 heads if I knocked on her door. There isn't anything wrong with a family for whom this is not the norm, but you cannot act like changing the way this family has operated for most of its existence would not have an impact

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids father and I are married. We expect our kids to let us know when they’re coming home with people. Just like I let my husband know if I’m having friends over and he does the same. Common courtesy to the people you share a home with.

And for what it’s worth, my kids know, and I mean really know that they are always my top priority. For my spouse, over my job, over my friends, over everything. And at the same time, they know that they are expected to behave in a civil, respectable way. In our case, that includes all of us, letting each other know if we are having guests to the house, and if my kid who doesn’t live at home anymore is coming by, at least to text ahead. This is really not a big deal. It’s the basic civility we have for the people who share a home.

Honestly, I would think that your kids would want you to be in a solid, happy relationship in which your partner feels comfortable. I would feel completely weirded out by showing up unannounced to our house, where someone lived two wasn’t my parent or sibling, it would just seem super rude and weird, even if it was the house I grew up in.

Having read your various responses, I actually think your girlfriend will be far better off without you. Have you even thought to ask your kids what they think? God I would hate to think of either of my parents losing a girlfriend or a boyfriend and potential partner because they didn’t want me to call ahead before coming home. Honestly, I would just think my parent was looking for an excuse to break up our relationship.

DP, and FWIW I am not divorced but I am the child of one and had/have good relationships with my stepparents (one is deceased).

1) The dynamic when the parents are divorced and the person requesting the change is the new partner makes this situation different

2) The situation is different because a lifelong norm has been established. Breaking a lifelong norm is different from continuing a lifelong norm. My mom would look at me like I had 10 heads if I knocked on her door. There isn't anything wrong with a family for whom this is not the norm, but you cannot act like changing the way this family has operated for most of its existence would not have an impact

I have college age kids too and this is exactly it! I could never imagine my kids having to knock on my door. I live in the home they grew up in which is still their home. Their college houses are their temporary residences when they are at school. I’m divorced and the kids split their time between houses when they’re back but come and go as they please. That’s just what we do in my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids father and I are married. We expect our kids to let us know when they’re coming home with people. Just like I let my husband know if I’m having friends over and he does the same. Common courtesy to the people you share a home with.

And for what it’s worth, my kids know, and I mean really know that they are always my top priority. For my spouse, over my job, over my friends, over everything. And at the same time, they know that they are expected to behave in a civil, respectable way. In our case, that includes all of us, letting each other know if we are having guests to the house, and if my kid who doesn’t live at home anymore is coming by, at least to text ahead. This is really not a big deal. It’s the basic civility we have for the people who share a home.

Honestly, I would think that your kids would want you to be in a solid, happy relationship in which your partner feels comfortable. I would feel completely weirded out by showing up unannounced to our house, where someone lived two wasn’t my parent or sibling, it would just seem super rude and weird, even if it was the house I grew up in.

Having read your various responses, I actually think your girlfriend will be far better off without you. Have you even thought to ask your kids what they think? God I would hate to think of either of my parents losing a girlfriend or a boyfriend and potential partner because they didn’t want me to call ahead before coming home. Honestly, I would just think my parent was looking for an excuse to break up our relationship.

DP, and FWIW I am not divorced but I am the child of one and had/have good relationships with my stepparents (one is deceased).

1) The dynamic when the parents are divorced and the person requesting the change is the new partner makes this situation different

2) The situation is different because a lifelong norm has been established. Breaking a lifelong norm is different from continuing a lifelong norm. My mom would look at me like I had 10 heads if I knocked on her door. There isn't anything wrong with a family for whom this is not the norm, but you cannot act like changing the way this family has operated for most of its existence would not have an impact

I have college age kids too and this is exactly it! I could never imagine my kids having to knock on my door. I live in the home they grew up in which is still their home. Their college houses are their temporary residences when they are at school. I’m divorced and the kids split their time between houses when they’re back but come and go as they please. That’s just what we do in my family.

But your situation is totally different from OPs who wants to live with a new partner. It’s better done at a separate territory/their own new house , not the family house where kids grew up.

[Anonymous]

JEFF HATH SPOKEN. OP IS A TROLL.

Jeff writes: "This thread is at least the second by this poster to be included among the most active. In this thread, the poster, who appears to be male, is divorced but has had a girlfriend for about three years. Based on other threads, since the beginning of this year the poster has also been married for six months, has been unmarried with a boyfriend, and had a girlfriend for about six months. While this poster may not be consistent in his relationship situation, he does appear to have established a pattern when posting. His posts are lengthy, generally laden with an abundance of background information, and focused on a problem which is actually fairly minor but has caused him to consider somewhat drastic action (in this case breaking up with his girlfriend of three years because she wants his kids to stop unannounced visits). In a previous thread, he broke up with his girlfriend of six months because she asked him to help with home repairs."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:JEFF HATH SPOKEN. OP IS A TROLL.

Jeff writes: "This thread is at least the second by this poster to be included among the most active. In this thread, the poster, who appears to be male, is divorced but has had a girlfriend for about three years. Based on other threads, since the beginning of this year the poster has also been married for six months, has been unmarried with a boyfriend, and had a girlfriend for about six months. While this poster may not be consistent in his relationship situation, he does appear to have established a pattern when posting. His posts are lengthy, generally laden with an abundance of background information, and focused on a problem which is actually fairly minor but has caused him to consider somewhat drastic action (in this case breaking up with his girlfriend of three years because she wants his kids to stop unannounced visits). In a previous thread, he broke up with his girlfriend of six months because she asked him to help with home repairs."

Welp. I hope we have all learned something here - regardless of fictitious post. It did make for interesting conversation. At the very least it was entertaining.

[Anonymous]

Speaking of trolls, I've noticed that one flag is that the OP disappears after the initial post. There is no further discussion between OP and responders. That is why the OP needs to post something that pushes DCUMers buttons enough to cause posters to take sides and generate pages of threads with the back-and-forth.

[Anonymous]

Dang. I’m always sucked in.

[Anonymous]

The other thing that shows is asking for forgiveness and validation for something that has already been done. Rather than asking a question about the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I am willing to compromise but not by much. My gf wants to limit the time they spend at my house and I think that is why I reacted so strongly and put the break up option on the table.

I can tell her that the kids can text before they arrive but that is it. That is as far as I am willing to compromise. I don't think that will be enough for her though. As for her background she is divorced and concentrated on her career vs having kids and decided not to have children of her own.

I live in the house they grew up in so they do consider it their home and I want them to. I am use to a revolving door of kids and a loud house.

I am fairly certain we are going to break up but you all gave me a lot to think about.

So as far as my ex wifes husband and our friendship. We are bonded by a mutual love of sports. Our kids are friends and attended the same school. Two of our sons are athletes which meant lots of time on the road and going to games. It started as car pooling and then we started hanging out on our own. It evolved over time. The ex and I had a very amicable divorce so there were no hard feelings on either side.

Show your GF what you wrote here. If she has self respect she will leave for someone who wants a relationship of equals with her.

“Relationship of equals” is just stupid pseudo intellect. The thing is they want different lifestyles and that is ok. Maybe it means they won’t be together. But there is nothing “unequal” about things.

If OP’s GF had kids of her own she would grasp the absurdity of expecting OP’s young adult kids needing an invite to their childhood home. Like many parents, OP enjoys having his kids around. He likes the lifestyle of kids and friends around. He likes the “family lifestyle.” He will probably want a houseful of grandkids visiting some day too.

Whereas GF wants a very adult only lifestyle. She doesn’t mind the kids around in a limited house guest capacity. That isn’t compatible with someone who is an engaged parent who views their parental responsibilities as going past age 18.

Relationship of equals means having a say over whether a bunch of college students comes into her home to throw a pool party when she had a headache.

It means expecting to be consulted over whether they’re hosting the night before she had a big work presentation.

I am extremely close to my parents and I don’t just walk into their home, nor do they just walk into mine. If my husband and I want to have sex on the couch or I want to walk topless after showering I deserve that freedom in my home and— get this— so do my parents. OP wants to dictate the level of privacy to which his girlfriend is entitled and that is not a relationship of equals.

She should leave.

Did you miss the part where it’s not her home?

Did you miss the part where he wanted her to move in? If she moves in, it’s her home. She should leave.

Did you miss the part where he says he is not willing to compromise to a degree that gives her what she wants, and if she’s not OK with that, she’s welcome not to move in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean what’s your end game OP? Find someone to date who wants to live in a frat house? Go for it, that’s obviously not your current gf.

I am sure watching you fail in yet another adult relationship will not surprise your children whom you have raised without manners. I don’t suspect they’re going to be very interested in you in a few years. Nor will many women. Keep writing checks for your kids and having no standards for behavior though!

You are impressively wrong, but I admire your total commitment to your wrongness.

not OP (feel free to ask Jeff before you embarrass yourself)