How long after giving birth did you get back to ... ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tried at 6 weeks after my first and it was horribly painful. Tried again at 8 weeks and same thing. 10, 12, 14 weeks same. Finally at 5 months PP I went to get a second opinion at a different OB and turns out I was stitched up incorrectly and essentially had a flap of skin/scar tissue partially covering the opening of my ya know so it was getting micro tears every time we tried which felt like paper cuts over and over. I had to get an episiotomy and restitched! All was fine 6 weeks after that.

Second kid I was ok by 8 weeks.

Exact same thing happened to me. Worst was the gaslighting by my first OB who implied it was made up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, medical is six weeks. When you’re actually up for it and feels fun/good is a different and highly individual matter.

The "medical clearance" is generally a massive disservice to new moms whose husbands then expect it. They should give guidance based on when women can potentially be ok with it, not just when the risk of them being ripped open subsides.

+100 the “clearance” should be a provider+new mom decision. That’s how my midwife approached it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did it after the 6 week checkup. I was nervous and I made my husband promise to be gentle. It was fine, we resumed regular sex but I didn’t particularly enjoy it for a few months. It didn’t hurt, but I felt uncomfortable.

I wish women wouldn't sat "We resumed regular sex" when it's really DH insisting and DW reluctantly complying.

I wish people didn’t assume their experience is universal and anyone who says otherwise is lying. I wanted and initiated sex before 6 weeks with my first. With our second, we ended up waiting because we were exhausted, but nothing was wrong with my vagina. Two vaginal births, 0 stitches or complications.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did it after the 6 week checkup. I was nervous and I made my husband promise to be gentle. It was fine, we resumed regular sex but I didn’t particularly enjoy it for a few months. It didn’t hurt, but I felt uncomfortable.

I wish women wouldn't sat "We resumed regular sex" when it's really DH insisting and DW reluctantly complying.

I wish people didn’t assume their experience is universal and anyone who says otherwise is lying. I wanted and initiated sex before 6 weeks with my first. With our second, we ended up waiting because we were exhausted, but nothing was wrong with my vagina. Two vaginal births, 0 stitches or complications.

You are so, so lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did it after the 6 week checkup. I was nervous and I made my husband promise to be gentle. It was fine, we resumed regular sex but I didn’t particularly enjoy it for a few months. It didn’t hurt, but I felt uncomfortable.

I wish women wouldn't sat "We resumed regular sex" when it's really DH insisting and DW reluctantly complying.

I wish people didn’t assume their experience is universal and anyone who says otherwise is lying. I wanted and initiated sex before 6 weeks with my first. With our second, we ended up waiting because we were exhausted, but nothing was wrong with my vagina. Two vaginal births, 0 stitches or complications.

+1. I had stitches with my first but was back to desiring other activities before six weeks and then around seven weeks or so felt back to normal and ready (and eager!) for sex.

I have all the sympathy in the world for women with difficult recoveries and/or jackass spouses, but I do think important not to silence those who aren’t suffering in early parenthood. Women are often told to, basically, project misery and stress in order to be a “good” mom. I’ll never forget the nasty comments—“you should be at home, don’t you care about your baby”—I got from people who overheard me chatting with a friend over a freaking glass of wine at 4ish weeks postpartum after our first.

That is NOT to take away from those struggling—those experiences need to be heard too, of course! And the medical field/society treats new moms like crap.

But women who are doing well shouldn’t be assumed liars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did it after the 6 week checkup. I was nervous and I made my husband promise to be gentle. It was fine, we resumed regular sex but I didn’t particularly enjoy it for a few months. It didn’t hurt, but I felt uncomfortable.

I wish women wouldn't sat "We resumed regular sex" when it's really DH insisting and DW reluctantly complying.

I wish people didn’t assume their experience is universal and anyone who says otherwise is lying. I wanted and initiated sex before 6 weeks with my first. With our second, we ended up waiting because we were exhausted, but nothing was wrong with my vagina. Two vaginal births, 0 stitches or complications.

+1. I had stitches with my first but was back to desiring other activities before six weeks and then around seven weeks or so felt back to normal and ready (and eager!) for sex.

I have all the sympathy in the world for women with difficult recoveries and/or jackass spouses, but I do think important not to silence those who aren’t suffering in early parenthood. Women are often told to, basically, project misery and stress in order to be a “good” mom. I’ll never forget the nasty comments—“you should be at home, don’t you care about your baby”—I got from people who overheard me chatting with a friend over a freaking glass of wine at 4ish weeks postpartum after our first.

That is NOT to take away from those struggling—those experiences need to be heard too, of course! And the medical field/society treats new moms like crap.

But women who are doing well shouldn’t be assumed liars.

No one assumes you’re a liar. But do realize that people will see your easy recovery and then assume all other women should be like you. Personally I was still bleeding at 4 weeks postpartum and incontinent and in a lot of pain and in no shape to leave the house, let alone meet a friend for anything. Couching your experience to indicate that you were fortunate to have an easy recovery creates some space for others who do not.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot more women will have the “ready for (and wanting) sex at six weeks/out with friends for a glass of wine at four weeks/not miserable” experience when we do something drastic about postpartum care in this country.

Normalize night nurses/have postpartum doulas covered by health plans. Have insurance companies required to cover pelvic floor PT. Make maternity leave mandatory. Subsidize childcare.

I know women who didn’t even get a grudging referral for pelvic PT until they’d been incontinent for a full year!! A year peeing my pants I wouldn’t feel like having sex either! Waiting so long also means a woman isn’t on maternity leave and gets to schedule her appointments around all her other commitments.

We do this by having a stingy and unsupportive system and then wonder at the outcomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot more women will have the “ready for (and wanting) sex at six weeks/out with friends for a glass of wine at four weeks/not miserable” experience when we do something drastic about postpartum care in this country.

Normalize night nurses/have postpartum doulas covered by health plans. Have insurance companies required to cover pelvic floor PT. Make maternity leave mandatory. Subsidize childcare.

I know women who didn’t even get a grudging referral for pelvic PT until they’d been incontinent for a full year!! A year peeing my pants I wouldn’t feel like having sex either! Waiting so long also means a woman isn’t on maternity leave and gets to schedule her appointments around all her other commitments.

We do this by having a stingy and unsupportive system and then wonder at the outcomes.

+1, although I do think a lot of it has to do with trends like living far from family and having kids at later ages. Both of those factors diminish the likelihood of a helpful grandmother who will step in. My mom helped postpartum and was basically my doula but she was relatively young and was willing/able to travel to us.

Also we need to have a more holistic view of birth methods that incorporates pelvic floor health and impacts on women's intimate lives. No one should be having a vacuum/forceps birth in 2023. C-sections aren't ideal but OBs (and midwives) need to stop pushing vaginal birth at all costs- not everyone is suited to a vaginal delivery and I'd so much rather have a slightly risky surgery than be incontinent or unable to make love with my spouse without pain for the rest of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot more women will have the “ready for (and wanting) sex at six weeks/out with friends for a glass of wine at four weeks/not miserable” experience when we do something drastic about postpartum care in this country.

Normalize night nurses/have postpartum doulas covered by health plans. Have insurance companies required to cover pelvic floor PT. Make maternity leave mandatory. Subsidize childcare.

I know women who didn’t even get a grudging referral for pelvic PT until they’d been incontinent for a full year!! A year peeing my pants I wouldn’t feel like having sex either! Waiting so long also means a woman isn’t on maternity leave and gets to schedule her appointments around all her other commitments.

We do this by having a stingy and unsupportive system and then wonder at the outcomes.

Your points are well taken BUT you are refusing to acknowledge that physically healing from birth takes a long time. A uterus is still bleeding for 6 weeks post birth and there’s a massive dinner plate sized wound that is slowly healing and shrinking down. Abs are still separated. Hormones are in flux. Milk supply is being established. Nerves, muscles, and tissues are all still
Recovering, to whatever extent they can - which varies hugely by person and the injuries they sustained giving birth or did not. No doula, child care subsidy, or night nurse can speed up the physical time of healing and recovery from birth. Studies show it is 1-2 years for most women which is why more advanced countries give women that long for maternity leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot more women will have the “ready for (and wanting) sex at six weeks/out with friends for a glass of wine at four weeks/not miserable” experience when we do something drastic about postpartum care in this country.

Normalize night nurses/have postpartum doulas covered by health plans. Have insurance companies required to cover pelvic floor PT. Make maternity leave mandatory. Subsidize childcare.

I know women who didn’t even get a grudging referral for pelvic PT until they’d been incontinent for a full year!! A year peeing my pants I wouldn’t feel like having sex either! Waiting so long also means a woman isn’t on maternity leave and gets to schedule her appointments around all her other commitments.

We do this by having a stingy and unsupportive system and then wonder at the outcomes.

+1, although I do think a lot of it has to do with trends like living far from family and having kids at later ages. Both of those factors diminish the likelihood of a helpful grandmother who will step in. My mom helped postpartum and was basically my doula but she was relatively young and was willing/able to travel to us.

Also we need to have a more holistic view of birth methods that incorporates pelvic floor health and impacts on women's intimate lives. No one should be having a vacuum/forceps birth in 2023. C-sections aren't ideal but OBs (and midwives) need to stop pushing vaginal birth at all costs- not everyone is suited to a vaginal delivery and I'd so much rather have a slightly risky surgery than be incontinent or unable to make love with my spouse without pain for the rest of my life.

Vacuum mom here. Most of us facing this decision had little choice. Deliveries that need vacuum or forceps often need it right away to get the baby out to prevent oxygen Deprivation. I mean, sure, I could have chosen the C section but when a doctor is telling you the baby’s heart rate is unstable and he has to come out, no mother is going to wait 30 more minutes for a C section to protect her pelvic floor when the doctor is saying we can get him born in 30 seconds if you let me use this. We become casualties to ensure our children arrive safely, and it’s not this easy choice like you are saying. I don’t feel I had one, I did what I had to do and paid a price to keep my son earthside and without brain damage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did it after the 6 week checkup. I was nervous and I made my husband promise to be gentle. It was fine, we resumed regular sex but I didn’t particularly enjoy it for a few months. It didn’t hurt, but I felt uncomfortable.

I wish women wouldn't sat "We resumed regular sex" when it's really DH insisting and DW reluctantly complying.

I wish people didn’t assume their experience is universal and anyone who says otherwise is lying. I wanted and initiated sex before 6 weeks with my first. With our second, we ended up waiting because we were exhausted, but nothing was wrong with my vagina. Two vaginal births, 0 stitches or complications.

+1. I had stitches with my first but was back to desiring other activities before six weeks and then around seven weeks or so felt back to normal and ready (and eager!) for sex.

I have all the sympathy in the world for women with difficult recoveries and/or jackass spouses, but I do think important not to silence those who aren’t suffering in early parenthood. Women are often told to, basically, project misery and stress in order to be a “good” mom. I’ll never forget the nasty comments—“you should be at home, don’t you care about your baby”—I got from people who overheard me chatting with a friend over a freaking glass of wine at 4ish weeks postpartum after our first.

That is NOT to take away from those struggling—those experiences need to be heard too, of course! And the medical field/society treats new moms like crap.

But women who are doing well shouldn’t be assumed liars.

No one assumes you’re a liar. But do realize that people will see your easy recovery and then assume all other women should be like you. Personally I was still bleeding at 4 weeks postpartum and incontinent and in a lot of pain and in no shape to leave the house, let alone meet a friend for anything. Couching your experience to indicate that you were fortunate to have an easy recovery creates some space for others who do not.

I assure you, I have been called a liar to my face when people have asked me how I am doing and I answered that I was thankful to be doing great, baby sleeping well, etc. A common response is, "stop putting on a front." I have also have had acquaintances comment that I should put my "real life" on my Instagram, because my house looks "too clean" to be "real" when the truth is that my house is super tidy because having a clean house, even with little ones, is a priority for me and my mental health. All this has taught me is there is little winning no matter WHAT a new mom does.

That said, I hope my post--indicating both sympathy and the need for those struggling to be heard--shows I do not have any desire to dismiss the experiences of others. And to elaborate on my comment that the medical field and society treats mothers like crap, it is critical that we improve postpartum care and benefits while just having more damn compassion for others.

I appreciate that you think I should present my experience in a certain way (lucky, fortunate, etc.) and that is, of course, language I often invoke. But I am also aware that those who want to pass judgment on other women/assume all should have an easy time postpartum would do so no matter that the reality is or what any one individual says or does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot more women will have the “ready for (and wanting) sex at six weeks/out with friends for a glass of wine at four weeks/not miserable” experience when we do something drastic about postpartum care in this country.

Normalize night nurses/have postpartum doulas covered by health plans. Have insurance companies required to cover pelvic floor PT. Make maternity leave mandatory. Subsidize childcare.

I know women who didn’t even get a grudging referral for pelvic PT until they’d been incontinent for a full year!! A year peeing my pants I wouldn’t feel like having sex either! Waiting so long also means a woman isn’t on maternity leave and gets to schedule her appointments around all her other commitments.

We do this by having a stingy and unsupportive system and then wonder at the outcomes.

Your points are well taken BUT you are refusing to acknowledge that physically healing from birth takes a long time. A uterus is still bleeding for 6 weeks post birth and there’s a massive dinner plate sized wound that is slowly healing and shrinking down. Abs are still separated. Hormones are in flux. Milk supply is being established. Nerves, muscles, and tissues are all still
Recovering, to whatever extent they can - which varies hugely by person and the injuries they sustained giving birth or did not. No doula, child care subsidy, or night nurse can speed up the physical time of healing and recovery from birth. Studies show it is 1-2 years for most women which is why more advanced countries give women that long for maternity leave.

I don’t think I discounted the physical recovery. Most people will tell you that the body heals better when the person is getting good sleep, good nutrition, and is not lifting and carrying. That’s what we don’t support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot more women will have the “ready for (and wanting) sex at six weeks/out with friends for a glass of wine at four weeks/not miserable” experience when we do something drastic about postpartum care in this country.

Normalize night nurses/have postpartum doulas covered by health plans. Have insurance companies required to cover pelvic floor PT. Make maternity leave mandatory. Subsidize childcare.

I know women who didn’t even get a grudging referral for pelvic PT until they’d been incontinent for a full year!! A year peeing my pants I wouldn’t feel like having sex either! Waiting so long also means a woman isn’t on maternity leave and gets to schedule her appointments around all her other commitments.

We do this by having a stingy and unsupportive system and then wonder at the outcomes.

+1, although I do think a lot of it has to do with trends like living far from family and having kids at later ages. Both of those factors diminish the likelihood of a helpful grandmother who will step in. My mom helped postpartum and was basically my doula but she was relatively young and was willing/able to travel to us.

Also we need to have a more holistic view of birth methods that incorporates pelvic floor health and impacts on women's intimate lives. No one should be having a vacuum/forceps birth in 2023. C-sections aren't ideal but OBs (and midwives) need to stop pushing vaginal birth at all costs- not everyone is suited to a vaginal delivery and I'd so much rather have a slightly risky surgery than be incontinent or unable to make love with my spouse without pain for the rest of my life.

Vacuum mom here. Most of us facing this decision had little choice. Deliveries that need vacuum or forceps often need it right away to get the baby out to prevent oxygen Deprivation. I mean, sure, I could have chosen the C section but when a doctor is telling you the baby’s heart rate is unstable and he has to come out, no mother is going to wait 30 more minutes for a C section to protect her pelvic floor when the doctor is saying we can get him born in 30 seconds if you let me use this. We become casualties to ensure our children arrive safely, and it’s not this easy choice like you are saying. I don’t feel I had one, I did what I had to do and paid a price to keep my son earthside and without brain damage.

Yes, totally understand, I just think docs should call it a bit earlier and opt for C-section if labor isn't progressing. Sometimes IMO the default is to make the woman white knuckle it in the pursuit of vaginal delivery. I pushed for over 4 hours and that just shouldn't be a thing

(and pelvic floor wise, I turned out ok but I had extensive PT and my baby was small/early)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did it after the 6 week checkup. I was nervous and I made my husband promise to be gentle. It was fine, we resumed regular sex but I didn’t particularly enjoy it for a few months. It didn’t hurt, but I felt uncomfortable.

This is really sad and makes me angry at your husband.

My husband wasn’t pushing for it, lots of assumptions here. I really wanted to do it, but I was anxious. I disliked having sex while pregnant and I found that I quickly felt more like myself after giving birth. I didn’t tell my husband that I didn’t enjoy it because I felt like it was psychological, not physical. He knew that it was different than before childbirth and was really slow and careful, like I asked. I had a difficult time relaxing for some time, which makes my muscles tense up. I wanted to continue doing it because having a healthy sex life is important to me, and I didn’t think anything other than “getting back on the horse” would help. I had a relatively easy birth with very minimal pushing, no forceps or vacuum, and a small second degree tear, so I was lucky. I didn’t feel like there were physical reasons not to keep trying. For what it’s worth, our sex life is just as active as it was before our daughter was born and I do enjoy it just as much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did it after the 6 week checkup. I was nervous and I made my husband promise to be gentle. It was fine, we resumed regular sex but I didn’t particularly enjoy it for a few months. It didn’t hurt, but I felt uncomfortable.

I wish women wouldn't sat "We resumed regular sex" when it's really DH insisting and DW reluctantly complying.

I wish people didn’t assume their experience is universal and anyone who says otherwise is lying. I wanted and initiated sex before 6 weeks with my first. With our second, we ended up waiting because we were exhausted, but nothing was wrong with my vagina. Two vaginal births, 0 stitches or complications.

+1. I really enjoy sex and resumed sex six weeks postpartum after all three of my children. I drank a glass of wine beforehand with each, but was excited to have sex. Isn't it a little misogynistic to assume that women only try having sex six weeks postpartum because their husbands want sex? Also, of course the decision to have sex should be determined by both medical clearance and personal preference. Shouldn't this go without saying? I very much doubt the majority of women on DCUM are in relationships with they have no or little agency over their own bodies and have to have sex when their husbands want to...