How long after giving birth did you get back to ... ?

[Anonymous]

Pp here…due to nursing and some delivery ptsd I worried whether it would be the same or I’d ever be into it. We’re a few years out from our second and have a good sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We did it after the 6 week checkup. I was nervous and I made my husband promise to be gentle. It was fine, we resumed regular sex but I didn’t particularly enjoy it for a few months. It didn’t hurt, but I felt uncomfortable.

I wish women wouldn't sat "We resumed regular sex" when it's really DH insisting and DW reluctantly complying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Near 4th degree tear here with pelvic floor muscle trauma. We did not try until 7 months and it was agony. I’ve done years of pelvic PT, estrogen cream, etc. and weaned and it never got back to “normal.” I have a huge ridge of scar tissue in my vagina from where it tore and it’s just never gotten to the point where I’m pain free. Sex irritates it and then I pay the price of discomfort and soreness for days and it can be uncomfortable to sit and walk. DH was understanding for a while that I didn’t want to have sex but after multiple years and pelvic floor therapists and not much improvement he stopped caring. I basically force myself to have sex once a week or so now mostly so I don’t end up divorced, but honestly, if it were my choice I probably would be 100 percent fine with never having PIV sec again. And yes, I’ve seen specialists and done all the things. I am sad and envious of women who had easy births and could have normal sex afterwards. I am ruined for life from mine.

Very very sorry to hear this. All we can hope is there are advancements in medicine to treat this in the future.

This kind of story should be openly discussed when OBs and midwives push for vaginal delivery at all costs, just to keep their hospital's C-section rate down for good ratings or whatever. I am SO sorry you're going through that, PP. If I were you, personally, I would call every urogynecology surgeon I could find and beg them to do a consult.

Honestly I find the husband who “doesn’t care” and makes her feel like she has to have painful sex once a week to avoid divorce the actual villain in this story…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Near 4th degree tear here with pelvic floor muscle trauma. We did not try until 7 months and it was agony. I’ve done years of pelvic PT, estrogen cream, etc. and weaned and it never got back to “normal.” I have a huge ridge of scar tissue in my vagina from where it tore and it’s just never gotten to the point where I’m pain free. Sex irritates it and then I pay the price of discomfort and soreness for days and it can be uncomfortable to sit and walk. DH was understanding for a while that I didn’t want to have sex but after multiple years and pelvic floor therapists and not much improvement he stopped caring. I basically force myself to have sex once a week or so now mostly so I don’t end up divorced, but honestly, if it were my choice I probably would be 100 percent fine with never having PIV sec again. And yes, I’ve seen specialists and done all the things. I am sad and envious of women who had easy births and could have normal sex afterwards. I am ruined for life from mine.

Very very sorry to hear this. All we can hope is there are advancements in medicine to treat this in the future.

This kind of story should be openly discussed when OBs and midwives push for vaginal delivery at all costs, just to keep their hospital's C-section rate down for good ratings or whatever. I am SO sorry you're going through that, PP. If I were you, personally, I would call every urogynecology surgeon I could find and beg them to do a consult.

Honestly I find the husband who “doesn’t care” and makes her feel like she has to have painful sex once a week to avoid divorce the actual villain in this story…

It's pretty typical. And will painful sex be enough for him? Or will he eventually come at her with "If we're not sexually compatible, then maybe we should go our separate ways."

[Anonymous]

Tried at 6 weeks after my first and it was horribly painful. Tried again at 8 weeks and same thing. 10, 12, 14 weeks same. Finally at 5 months PP I went to get a second opinion at a different OB and turns out I was stitched up incorrectly and essentially had a flap of skin/scar tissue partially covering the opening of my ya know so it was getting micro tears every time we tried which felt like paper cuts over and over. I had to get an episiotomy and restitched! All was fine 6 weeks after that.

Second kid I was ok by 8 weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did it after the 6 week checkup. I was nervous and I made my husband promise to be gentle. It was fine, we resumed regular sex but I didn’t particularly enjoy it for a few months. It didn’t hurt, but I felt uncomfortable.

This is really sad and makes me angry at your husband.

Same. My DH may not see clothes on the floor or the dishwasher to be unloaded but he saw what I went through during delivery and postpartum and let me set the pace, even if it meant reduced or non-existent intimacy. I refused to have uncomfortable/unenjoyable sex before pregnancy and I sure wasnt going to placate afterwards when dealing with PF trauma and PPA a colicky baby and no sleep. It took me almost 2 years to desire PIV sex again. 5 years post partum and we are having more frequent sex than ever and better sex (multiple O's or back to back sessions).

Unfortunately, many women experience the quiet coercion of "if he doesnt get what he needs, he will get it from someone else". I 100% told him that if his sexual needs- specifically PIV- were more important than my mental/physical/emotional safety then the choice was already made. I was doing everything I could to heal and we were doing non-PIV activities but I cant make it go faster and I refuse to "grin and bear it". How can sex be enjoyable for someone when the other person is in pain/has no interest/feels worse afterward? That's gross and is too close to sexual assault IMO.

And the fact is that for some women its 3 weeks post delivery all the way through years after delivery. We dont have enough research or support in this area and women 100% bear the burden of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did it after the 6 week checkup. I was nervous and I made my husband promise to be gentle. It was fine, we resumed regular sex but I didn’t particularly enjoy it for a few months. It didn’t hurt, but I felt uncomfortable.

This is really sad and makes me angry at your husband.

Same. My DH may not see clothes on the floor or the dishwasher to be unloaded but he saw what I went through during delivery and postpartum and let me set the pace, even if it meant reduced or non-existent intimacy. I refused to have uncomfortable/unenjoyable sex before pregnancy and I sure wasnt going to placate afterwards when dealing with PF trauma and PPA a colicky baby and no sleep. It took me almost 2 years to desire PIV sex again. 5 years post partum and we are having more frequent sex than ever and better sex (multiple O's or back to back sessions).

Unfortunately, many women experience the quiet coercion of "if he doesnt get what he needs, he will get it from someone else". I 100% told him that if his sexual needs- specifically PIV- were more important than my mental/physical/emotional safety then the choice was already made. I was doing everything I could to heal and we were doing non-PIV activities but I cant make it go faster and I refuse to "grin and bear it". How can sex be enjoyable for someone when the other person is in pain/has no interest/feels worse afterward? That's gross and is too close to sexual assault IMO.

And the fact is that for some women its 3 weeks post delivery all the way through years after delivery. We dont have enough research or support in this area and women 100% bear the burden of it.

Bravo. I HATE the 1950s narrative that men are basically entitled to leave if they don’t get sex immediately after pregnancy and birth damage a woman’s body. Grow up and take some responsibility, men. Permanently altering our bodies is our part of the bargain. Having to jerk off for a year or two is yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did it after the 6 week checkup. I was nervous and I made my husband promise to be gentle. It was fine, we resumed regular sex but I didn’t particularly enjoy it for a few months. It didn’t hurt, but I felt uncomfortable.

This is really sad and makes me angry at your husband.

Same. My DH may not see clothes on the floor or the dishwasher to be unloaded but he saw what I went through during delivery and postpartum and let me set the pace, even if it meant reduced or non-existent intimacy. I refused to have uncomfortable/unenjoyable sex before pregnancy and I sure wasnt going to placate afterwards when dealing with PF trauma and PPA a colicky baby and no sleep. It took me almost 2 years to desire PIV sex again. 5 years post partum and we are having more frequent sex than ever and better sex (multiple O's or back to back sessions).

Unfortunately, many women experience the quiet coercion of "if he doesnt get what he needs, he will get it from someone else". I 100% told him that if his sexual needs- specifically PIV- were more important than my mental/physical/emotional safety then the choice was already made. I was doing everything I could to heal and we were doing non-PIV activities but I cant make it go faster and I refuse to "grin and bear it". How can sex be enjoyable for someone when the other person is in pain/has no interest/feels worse afterward? That's gross and is too close to sexual assault IMO.

And the fact is that for some women its 3 weeks post delivery all the way through years after delivery. We dont have enough research or support in this area and women 100% bear the burden of it.

Bravo. I HATE the 1950s narrative that men are basically entitled to leave if they don’t get sex immediately after pregnancy and birth damage a woman’s body. Grow up and take some responsibility, men. Permanently altering our bodies is our part of the bargain. Having to jerk off for a year or two is yours.

PP here. My husband is not a jerk, though it’s easy to paint it that way. But the reality is that for some people the birth impacts to your sex life are forever. I know this is the exception but it happens and no one talks about it. Ever. And that pisses me off because I had no idea that birth injuries could do this. I had no idea a vaginal
Birth could ruin my orgasms. They’ve gone from fireworks to basically like blowing out a birthday candle. They suck. And it’s because of muscle and nerve damage from
Childbirth. And yes, I have done literally every treatment you can think of - dry needling, estrogen, e-stim vaginally, kegel and core rehab, manual therapy, visceral manipulation, red laser therapy, Mona Lisa touch, etc. I have seen 5 urogynecologists! 5! There is unfortunately no magic bullet for scar tissue or pelvic floor muscles that got ripped to shreds. Surgeons operate and that creates more scar tissue which can make these issues worse! Pelvic floor Surgery is not a cure for pain.

I am unfortunately going to have this issue for the rest of my life. I’m now over 5 years past the delivery that injured me. I could barely tolerate penetration or thrusting for the first 2 years. Before birth we were a 3x a week couple as a compromise, because DH wanted it every day and I wanted it once a week. After years of basically no sex, me forcing myself to have sex once a week is what I am doing to keep my marriage. And it’s still not enough for my husband. He wants it daily so it’s a compromise for both of us. And sure, I guess we could have a sexless marriage (my preference) but that leads to my husband feeling rejected and needy and eventually that turns into boiling rage so it’s not a solution, and believe me, I tried. So yeah, is it awful that diminished pain but the ability to actually have intercourse is progress for me? Sure. Is it awful that I find sex a forced chore to stay married? Of course. Would it be nice to live in a world where my vagina can be
Magically fixed and my orgasms restored? Sure. But we don’t live in that world. We live in a world of hard choices and difficult truths, and postpartum realities for some
Women that mean we never get to go back to anything close to what we once were before. So please, show some empathy for those of us traveling this road that you will never be on, and making choices you never
Had to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did it after the 6 week checkup. I was nervous and I made my husband promise to be gentle. It was fine, we resumed regular sex but I didn’t particularly enjoy it for a few months. It didn’t hurt, but I felt uncomfortable.

This is really sad and makes me angry at your husband.

Same. My DH may not see clothes on the floor or the dishwasher to be unloaded but he saw what I went through during delivery and postpartum and let me set the pace, even if it meant reduced or non-existent intimacy. I refused to have uncomfortable/unenjoyable sex before pregnancy and I sure wasnt going to placate afterwards when dealing with PF trauma and PPA a colicky baby and no sleep. It took me almost 2 years to desire PIV sex again. 5 years post partum and we are having more frequent sex than ever and better sex (multiple O's or back to back sessions).

Unfortunately, many women experience the quiet coercion of "if he doesnt get what he needs, he will get it from someone else". I 100% told him that if his sexual needs- specifically PIV- were more important than my mental/physical/emotional safety then the choice was already made. I was doing everything I could to heal and we were doing non-PIV activities but I cant make it go faster and I refuse to "grin and bear it". How can sex be enjoyable for someone when the other person is in pain/has no interest/feels worse afterward? That's gross and is too close to sexual assault IMO.

And the fact is that for some women its 3 weeks post delivery all the way through years after delivery. We dont have enough research or support in this area and women 100% bear the burden of it.

Bravo. I HATE the 1950s narrative that men are basically entitled to leave if they don’t get sex immediately after pregnancy and birth damage a woman’s body. Grow up and take some responsibility, men. Permanently altering our bodies is our part of the bargain. Having to jerk off for a year or two is yours.

PP here. My husband is not a jerk, though it’s easy to paint it that way. But the reality is that for some people the birth impacts to your sex life are forever. I know this is the exception but it happens and no one talks about it. Ever. And that pisses me off because I had no idea that birth injuries could do this. I had no idea a vaginal
Birth could ruin my orgasms. They’ve gone from fireworks to basically like blowing out a birthday candle. They suck. And it’s because of muscle and nerve damage from
Childbirth. And yes, I have done literally every treatment you can think of - dry needling, estrogen, e-stim vaginally, kegel and core rehab, manual therapy, visceral manipulation, red laser therapy, Mona Lisa touch, etc. I have seen 5 urogynecologists! 5! There is unfortunately no magic bullet for scar tissue or pelvic floor muscles that got ripped to shreds. Surgeons operate and that creates more scar tissue which can make these issues worse! Pelvic floor Surgery is not a cure for pain.

I am unfortunately going to have this issue for the rest of my life. I’m now over 5 years past the delivery that injured me. I could barely tolerate penetration or thrusting for the first 2 years. Before birth we were a 3x a week couple as a compromise, because DH wanted it every day and I wanted it once a week. After years of basically no sex, me forcing myself to have sex once a week is what I am doing to keep my marriage. And it’s still not enough for my husband. He wants it daily so it’s a compromise for both of us. And sure, I guess we could have a sexless marriage (my preference) but that leads to my husband feeling rejected and needy and eventually that turns into boiling rage so it’s not a solution, and believe me, I tried. So yeah, is it awful that diminished pain but the ability to actually have intercourse is progress for me? Sure. Is it awful that I find sex a forced chore to stay married? Of course. Would it be nice to live in a world where my vagina can be
Magically fixed and my orgasms restored? Sure. But we don’t live in that world. We live in a world of hard choices and difficult truths, and postpartum realities for some
Women that mean we never get to go back to anything close to what we once were before. So please, show some empathy for those of us traveling this road that you will never be on, and making choices you never
Had to.

I’m the pp you responded to, and all I have is empathy for you. Your situation is terrible and you are right, I did not know that could happen. It’s very hard to assess and appreciate risk. Humans are notoriously bad at it.

As for your husband, what I can understand And agree with is that a sexless marriage is unreasonable. But feeling rejected when you KNOW your wife is not rejecting you and has a physical reason for not wanting sex is irrational and not really understandable. Boiling rage is even less understandable.

In your position I’d probably do what you’re doing but others might advise an open marriage for sex only.

I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did it after the 6 week checkup. I was nervous and I made my husband promise to be gentle. It was fine, we resumed regular sex but I didn’t particularly enjoy it for a few months. It didn’t hurt, but I felt uncomfortable.

This is really sad and makes me angry at your husband.

Same. My DH may not see clothes on the floor or the dishwasher to be unloaded but he saw what I went through during delivery and postpartum and let me set the pace, even if it meant reduced or non-existent intimacy. I refused to have uncomfortable/unenjoyable sex before pregnancy and I sure wasnt going to placate afterwards when dealing with PF trauma and PPA a colicky baby and no sleep. It took me almost 2 years to desire PIV sex again. 5 years post partum and we are having more frequent sex than ever and better sex (multiple O's or back to back sessions).

Unfortunately, many women experience the quiet coercion of "if he doesnt get what he needs, he will get it from someone else". I 100% told him that if his sexual needs- specifically PIV- were more important than my mental/physical/emotional safety then the choice was already made. I was doing everything I could to heal and we were doing non-PIV activities but I cant make it go faster and I refuse to "grin and bear it". How can sex be enjoyable for someone when the other person is in pain/has no interest/feels worse afterward? That's gross and is too close to sexual assault IMO.

And the fact is that for some women its 3 weeks post delivery all the way through years after delivery. We dont have enough research or support in this area and women 100% bear the burden of it.

Bravo. I HATE the 1950s narrative that men are basically entitled to leave if they don’t get sex immediately after pregnancy and birth damage a woman’s body. Grow up and take some responsibility, men. Permanently altering our bodies is our part of the bargain. Having to jerk off for a year or two is yours.

PP here. My husband is not a jerk, though it’s easy to paint it that way. But the reality is that for some people the birth impacts to your sex life are forever. I know this is the exception but it happens and no one talks about it. Ever. And that pisses me off because I had no idea that birth injuries could do this. I had no idea a vaginal
Birth could ruin my orgasms. They’ve gone from fireworks to basically like blowing out a birthday candle. They suck. And it’s because of muscle and nerve damage from
Childbirth. And yes, I have done literally every treatment you can think of - dry needling, estrogen, e-stim vaginally, kegel and core rehab, manual therapy, visceral manipulation, red laser therapy, Mona Lisa touch, etc. I have seen 5 urogynecologists! 5! There is unfortunately no magic bullet for scar tissue or pelvic floor muscles that got ripped to shreds. Surgeons operate and that creates more scar tissue which can make these issues worse! Pelvic floor Surgery is not a cure for pain.

I am unfortunately going to have this issue for the rest of my life. I’m now over 5 years past the delivery that injured me. I could barely tolerate penetration or thrusting for the first 2 years. Before birth we were a 3x a week couple as a compromise, because DH wanted it every day and I wanted it once a week. After years of basically no sex, me forcing myself to have sex once a week is what I am doing to keep my marriage. And it’s still not enough for my husband. He wants it daily so it’s a compromise for both of us. And sure, I guess we could have a sexless marriage (my preference) but that leads to my husband feeling rejected and needy and eventually that turns into boiling rage so it’s not a solution, and believe me, I tried. So yeah, is it awful that diminished pain but the ability to actually have intercourse is progress for me? Sure. Is it awful that I find sex a forced chore to stay married? Of course. Would it be nice to live in a world where my vagina can be
Magically fixed and my orgasms restored? Sure. But we don’t live in that world. We live in a world of hard choices and difficult truths, and postpartum realities for some
Women that mean we never get to go back to anything close to what we once were before. So please, show some empathy for those of us traveling this road that you will never be on, and making choices you never
Had to.

I need some clarification here. You can't clitorally orgasm?
Also is penetration is painful/not pleasurable OR it's just you don't orgasm from penetration anymore?

[Anonymous]

“Pelvic floor muscles play an important role in orgasms. Healthy pelvic floor muscles allow for stronger, longer-lasting orgasms, and weakened pelvic floor muscles may impair an individual’s ability to achieve orgasm or experience the same quality of orgasm as they did previously. Research has shown an association between pelvic floor disorders and infrequent or less frequent orgasms.”

https://www.issm.info/sexual-health-qa/how-do-pelvic-floor-disorders-affect-sexual-health#:~:text=Pelvic%20floor%20muscles%20play%20an,orgasm%20as%20they%20did%20previously.

I can still orgasm but it’s weak, and not satisfying like it was before childbirth. Far less powerful, far less pleasurable. Penetration hurts because I have a large ridge of internal scar tissue where my vagina split open inside during birth. It’s called a sulcal tear, not one of the ones most people are aware of.

[Anonymous]

And I also have scarring on the back wall of my vagina from the near 4th degree tear, too. So penetration means rubbing two painful scars. It’s gotten less painful than immediately postpartum but the pain has never gone away fully and friction and anything touching it (speculums, toys, tampons, cups) irritates the area and causes more discomfort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Near 4th degree tear here with pelvic floor muscle trauma. We did not try until 7 months and it was agony. I’ve done years of pelvic PT, estrogen cream, etc. and weaned and it never got back to “normal.” I have a huge ridge of scar tissue in my vagina from where it tore and it’s just never gotten to the point where I’m pain free. Sex irritates it and then I pay the price of discomfort and soreness for days and it can be uncomfortable to sit and walk. DH was understanding for a while that I didn’t want to have sex but after multiple years and pelvic floor therapists and not much improvement he stopped caring. I basically force myself to have sex once a week or so now mostly so I don’t end up divorced, but honestly, if it were my choice I probably would be 100 percent fine with never having PIV sec again. And yes, I’ve seen specialists and done all the things. I am sad and envious of women who had easy births and could have normal sex afterwards. I am ruined for life from mine.

Just wanted to say-thank you for sharing your experience. Moms always sacrifice alot but this is much more and I am very sorry for your experience. I hope there is still room for improvement. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, medical is six weeks. When you’re actually up for it and feels fun/good is a different and highly individual matter.

The "medical clearance" is generally a massive disservice to new moms whose husbands then expect it. They should give guidance based on when women can potentially be ok with it, not just when the risk of them being ripped open subsides.