Dad needs a nightly phone call. Sometimes not doable...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a tiny ask.

Every single night and while trying to put kids to bed? Nah, it’s a big ask.

[Anonymous]

OP, just call. Make a build-a-bear with a recorded message of love/tuck in from you all for nights you aren't able to call.

It's better than him not missing you and instead seeking out online relationships with with strangers he throws money to and declares his love immediately. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand all of you telling the OP that this nightly “tuck in” call is some thing that must be done even though the OP has made it clear that this is a burden and leads to resentment and bad feelings.

OP, is your father a rational adult? He has to take some responsibility for his own loneliness at night. It’s not your responsibility to solve every one of his problems. You don’t have to agree to be guilted into whatever random thing he’s decided he “needs” you to do.

There is *no* way I would agree to a nightly call under these conditions. I would just speak to him frankly. He needs a dog/cat and a therapist. Maybe he should start dating. He has options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please help me not become resentful or annoyed. He says he needs a nightly phone call from our kids and me to "tuck him in" since my mother died two years ago.
I'm a mom with two young children. Nighttime is usually getting in from sports, scrambling for dinner, showers, book, and then some wind down time - my kids both love to lie on my bed and chat about their days. Sometimes, I'm just frazzled and done - and focused on my kids - and if we don't call, the phone will ring at 9pm with my dad wondering where we were and wanting to chat. My kids want to do speaker, he can't hear them, the calls go on, and then it's 15 minutes later.
Part of me feels like a HUGE meanie. Who can't take time out for a call? But it just feels perfunctory and not like an organic, easy chat when we can actually talk about the day. Everyone is tired and preoccupied.
I have tried to subtly set a boundary by not calling each night. But when we miss a night, he texts me by 11pm with a sad emoji asking where we were.
I really don't know what to do. We barely talked on the phone before; when my mom was alive, maybe I'd call them three or four times a week.
He also lives nearby, so we see him 4-5 times a week. He is involved in our lives and sees the kids.
My DH is baffled - he talks to his (widowed) mom maybe twice a month!! She never asks him to call.
What do I do? I feel terrible. I get he's lonely. But I also feel like it's less about the interaction and more about checking a box, and it's a box that is sometimes disruptive. Help. I am consumed by guilt even feeling this way.

so sad. maybe he was a terrible parent and deserves this? i cannot imagine that as a daughter you cannot do this for him. it is not as if he is asking you to change his diaper ffs!

The issue with groups like this is the scolding and shaming. Perhaps you've never had an elderly parent or do not have children. Do you know what the end-of-the-day routine is like? Most people on this thread seem to get it. If you don't understand because you've never lived it, that's fine, but please don't shame people. "I cannot imagine that as a daughter you cannot do this" - this seems so antiquated and scolding.

A lot of us live it and more. A lot of us drive to our widowed mother’s home at the end of the day to take her grocery shopping. We rearrange our schedules to take her to her doctor appointments. We arrange routine things like landscapers and cleaners. We take the child to see her as often as possible and they don’t complain unlike their cousins. Some of us even have our elderly mom or dad move in with us.

I see a whiny woman who is complaining about adding a short phone call at the end of the day to her lonely elderly father. I hope her children don’t hear her going on about this almost unbearable burden she has.

And please with the antiquated accusation. Men and women need to step up and be there for their families. I hope she feels shame, she should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just call. Make a build-a-bear with a recorded message of love/tuck in from you all for nights you aren't able to call.

It's better than him not missing you and instead seeking out online relationships with with strangers he throws money to and declares his love immediately. Ask me how I know.

How do you know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please help me not become resentful or annoyed. He says he needs a nightly phone call from our kids and me to "tuck him in" since my mother died two years ago.
I'm a mom with two young children. Nighttime is usually getting in from sports, scrambling for dinner, showers, book, and then some wind down time - my kids both love to lie on my bed and chat about their days. Sometimes, I'm just frazzled and done - and focused on my kids - and if we don't call, the phone will ring at 9pm with my dad wondering where we were and wanting to chat. My kids want to do speaker, he can't hear them, the calls go on, and then it's 15 minutes later.
Part of me feels like a HUGE meanie. Who can't take time out for a call? But it just feels perfunctory and not like an organic, easy chat when we can actually talk about the day. Everyone is tired and preoccupied.
I have tried to subtly set a boundary by not calling each night. But when we miss a night, he texts me by 11pm with a sad emoji asking where we were.
I really don't know what to do. We barely talked on the phone before; when my mom was alive, maybe I'd call them three or four times a week.
He also lives nearby, so we see him 4-5 times a week. He is involved in our lives and sees the kids.
My DH is baffled - he talks to his (widowed) mom maybe twice a month!! She never asks him to call.
What do I do? I feel terrible. I get he's lonely. But I also feel like it's less about the interaction and more about checking a box, and it's a box that is sometimes disruptive. Help. I am consumed by guilt even feeling this way.

so sad. maybe he was a terrible parent and deserves this? i cannot imagine that as a daughter you cannot do this for him. it is not as if he is asking you to change his diaper ffs!

The issue with groups like this is the scolding and shaming. Perhaps you've never had an elderly parent or do not have children. Do you know what the end-of-the-day routine is like? Most people on this thread seem to get it. If you don't understand because you've never lived it, that's fine, but please don't shame people. "I cannot imagine that as a daughter you cannot do this" - this seems so antiquated and scolding.

A lot of us live it and more. A lot of us drive to our widowed mother’s home at the end of the day to take her grocery shopping. We rearrange our schedules to take her to her doctor appointments. We arrange routine things like landscapers and cleaners. We take the child to see her as often as possible and they don’t complain unlike their cousins. Some of us even have our elderly mom or dad move in with us.

I see a whiny woman who is complaining about adding a short phone call at the end of the day to her lonely elderly father. I hope her children don’t hear her going on about this almost unbearable burden she has.

And please with the antiquated accusation. Men and women need to step up and be there for their families. I hope she feels shame, she should.

There are many ways to be there for someone, in a manner that works for everyone.

[Anonymous]

He sounds quite self centered or unable to read the room. Or his ego gets a kick out of keeping his young kids up late playing on the phone and “chatting.”

Is he like that all the time, like weekends at home or when he’s not traveling? Everything out of his mouth or on his mind is about him him him?

[Anonymous]

I talk to my parents every single day for extended periods. All the kids check in, and one spends a lot of time talking to them. Yes, it's a chore (and a substantial one at that), but they don't have much to enjoy in life anymore due to health issues (and friends having died off). Think of it as a good deed and precedent. How would you want to be treated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds quite self centered or unable to read the room. Or his ego gets a kick out of keeping his young kids up late playing on the phone and “chatting.”

Is he like that all the time, like weekends at home or when he’s not traveling? Everything out of his mouth or on his mind is about him him him?

This comment sent ice through my veins. Feeling attached to family is self-centered egocentrism?

[Anonymous]

For the people saying, “how would you want to be treated when you are old,” I would want my child to be able to speak honestly with me about their feelings rather than cringing every time I call.

I thought DCUM was all in favor of setting boundaries? This OP is not ignoring the father. The father is involved with the family and sees them multiple times a week. It’s not “just” a nightly phone call. Maybe you guys would be OK with a phone call, but the OP is not. That doesn’t make the OP evil or neglectful.

Caring and loving your elderly parents does not mean you have to do every single thing they want you to do. A call every night is not a need, like medication management or safe movement in the home. Also, I don’t think that loving your parents means treating them like very little children. They are adults, they have lived a long life. They are resilient. They can handle the news that somebody doesn’t want to speak with them every single night. Maybe having to deal with this loneliness on his own would get the father to take some action like going on a dating service or moving into assisted living or who knows what.

[Anonymous]

Since my dad died my mom calls daily, she also calls my other siblings and her own siblings, cousins and whoever picks up her call often. Everyone empathized for a couple of years but now is tired of that. Its not that she is lonely, its that she has lots of free time and no hobbies or friends. We are trying to help her find things she enjoys. All she ever did was her job and take care of family.

[Anonymous]

*not lonely in sense that lives with my sister, BIL and their kid who all are very loving.

[Anonymous]

*and rarely called when she had a busy life herself

[Anonymous]

The title of this post is dad *needs* a nightly call.
No, he *wants* it. Huge difference.

[Anonymous]

Does it need to be at night?

Can you get you and your Dad an Echo show? Set it up on your kitchen table and have the kids call when they are eating breakfast. You can hop in while you are doing other things, like packing lunches or whatever.

We did this when my parents were elderly and could no longer manage Skype (they didn't have a cell phone). Sometimes they would just sit in silence while the kids ate but that's ok. They just liked being able to see us.