Dad needs a nightly phone call. Sometimes not doable...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please help me not become resentful or annoyed. He says he needs a nightly phone call from our kids and me to "tuck him in" since my mother died two years ago.
I'm a mom with two young children. Nighttime is usually getting in from sports, scrambling for dinner, showers, book, and then some wind down time - my kids both love to lie on my bed and chat about their days. Sometimes, I'm just frazzled and done - and focused on my kids - and if we don't call, the phone will ring at 9pm with my dad wondering where we were and wanting to chat. My kids want to do speaker, he can't hear them, the calls go on, and then it's 15 minutes later.
Part of me feels like a HUGE meanie. Who can't take time out for a call? But it just feels perfunctory and not like an organic, easy chat when we can actually talk about the day. Everyone is tired and preoccupied.
I have tried to subtly set a boundary by not calling each night. But when we miss a night, he texts me by 11pm with a sad emoji asking where we were.
I really don't know what to do. We barely talked on the phone before; when my mom was alive, maybe I'd call them three or four times a week.
He also lives nearby, so we see him 4-5 times a week. He is involved in our lives and sees the kids.
My DH is baffled - he talks to his (widowed) mom maybe twice a month!! She never asks him to call.
What do I do? I feel terrible. I get he's lonely. But I also feel like it's less about the interaction and more about checking a box, and it's a box that is sometimes disruptive. Help. I am consumed by guilt even feeling this way.

so sad. maybe he was a terrible parent and deserves this? i cannot imagine that as a daughter you cannot do this for him. it is not as if he is asking you to change his diaper ffs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please help me not become resentful or annoyed. He says he needs a nightly phone call from our kids and me to "tuck him in" since my mother died two years ago.
I'm a mom with two young children. Nighttime is usually getting in from sports, scrambling for dinner, showers, book, and then some wind down time - my kids both love to lie on my bed and chat about their days. Sometimes, I'm just frazzled and done - and focused on my kids - and if we don't call, the phone will ring at 9pm with my dad wondering where we were and wanting to chat. My kids want to do speaker, he can't hear them, the calls go on, and then it's 15 minutes later.
Part of me feels like a HUGE meanie. Who can't take time out for a call? But it just feels perfunctory and not like an organic, easy chat when we can actually talk about the day. Everyone is tired and preoccupied.
I have tried to subtly set a boundary by not calling each night. But when we miss a night, he texts me by 11pm with a sad emoji asking where we were.
I really don't know what to do. We barely talked on the phone before; when my mom was alive, maybe I'd call them three or four times a week.
He also lives nearby, so we see him 4-5 times a week. He is involved in our lives and sees the kids.
My DH is baffled - he talks to his (widowed) mom maybe twice a month!! She never asks him to call.
What do I do? I feel terrible. I get he's lonely. But I also feel like it's less about the interaction and more about checking a box, and it's a box that is sometimes disruptive. Help. I am consumed by guilt even feeling this way.

so sad. maybe he was a terrible parent and deserves this? i cannot imagine that as a daughter you cannot do this for him. it is not as if he is asking you to change his diaper ffs!

The issue with groups like this is the scolding and shaming. Perhaps you've never had an elderly parent or do not have children. Do you know what the end-of-the-day routine is like? Most people on this thread seem to get it. If you don't understand because you've never lived it, that's fine, but please don't shame people. "I cannot imagine that as a daughter you cannot do this" - this seems so antiquated and scolding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please help me not become resentful or annoyed. He says he needs a nightly phone call from our kids and me to "tuck him in" since my mother died two years ago.
I'm a mom with two young children. Nighttime is usually getting in from sports, scrambling for dinner, showers, book, and then some wind down time - my kids both love to lie on my bed and chat about their days. Sometimes, I'm just frazzled and done - and focused on my kids - and if we don't call, the phone will ring at 9pm with my dad wondering where we were and wanting to chat. My kids want to do speaker, he can't hear them, the calls go on, and then it's 15 minutes later.
Part of me feels like a HUGE meanie. Who can't take time out for a call? But it just feels perfunctory and not like an organic, easy chat when we can actually talk about the day. Everyone is tired and preoccupied.
I have tried to subtly set a boundary by not calling each night. But when we miss a night, he texts me by 11pm with a sad emoji asking where we were.
I really don't know what to do. We barely talked on the phone before; when my mom was alive, maybe I'd call them three or four times a week.
He also lives nearby, so we see him 4-5 times a week. He is involved in our lives and sees the kids.
My DH is baffled - he talks to his (widowed) mom maybe twice a month!! She never asks him to call.
What do I do? I feel terrible. I get he's lonely. But I also feel like it's less about the interaction and more about checking a box, and it's a box that is sometimes disruptive. Help. I am consumed by guilt even feeling this way.

Ok, there's no "subtly set a boundary". Tell him what your boundary is, in words. "Dad, I can talk with you between 9:30 and 10, after I get the kids to bed." "Dad, I can call you on the days we don't see you in person." Or whatever.

Agreed. If you want to set a boundary you need to tell him. And you cannot control what his reaction is going to be. He may still send you a sad emoji.

[Anonymous]

Op, you posted this already before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please help me not become resentful or annoyed. He says he needs a nightly phone call from our kids and me to "tuck him in" since my mother died two years ago.
I'm a mom with two young children. Nighttime is usually getting in from sports, scrambling for dinner, showers, book, and then some wind down time - my kids both love to lie on my bed and chat about their days. Sometimes, I'm just frazzled and done - and focused on my kids - and if we don't call, the phone will ring at 9pm with my dad wondering where we were and wanting to chat. My kids want to do speaker, he can't hear them, the calls go on, and then it's 15 minutes later.
Part of me feels like a HUGE meanie. Who can't take time out for a call? But it just feels perfunctory and not like an organic, easy chat when we can actually talk about the day. Everyone is tired and preoccupied.
I have tried to subtly set a boundary by not calling each night. But when we miss a night, he texts me by 11pm with a sad emoji asking where we were.
I really don't know what to do. We barely talked on the phone before; when my mom was alive, maybe I'd call them three or four times a week.
He also lives nearby, so we see him 4-5 times a week. He is involved in our lives and sees the kids.
My DH is baffled - he talks to his (widowed) mom maybe twice a month!! She never asks him to call.
What do I do? I feel terrible. I get he's lonely. But I also feel like it's less about the interaction and more about checking a box, and it's a box that is sometimes disruptive. Help. I am consumed by guilt even feeling this way.

Can you call him at another time of the day? This is not a nuisance, it is your father asking for a call after loosing his spouse.
Please note also that your children are watching and they will role model your behavior when they are adult. Boundaries are perfectly fine, yet put them in with kindness, love, understanding.

[Anonymous]

Set a timer for when you’re doing a regular part of your day - like commute, kids are in an activity etc. Call then and there’s an end time when you are done your activity. He may not talk with everyone each day and he has to deal with that.

So, try to call each day. But don’t apologize when you can’t or get guilt tripped - just “oh, yeah, last night was so hectic! We will call you soon.).

And at the same time, talk to him about what his days look like now. There are so many activities and groups for older folks. They can really have a rich social life, which also means he won’t be as dependent on you.

[Anonymous]

You mentioned he wants to hear your voices. Some msging apps allow you to drop a short recorded msg into the chat. You might be able to use that instead of text msg. Get the kids to each share one thing about their day a hour before bedtime, and after he responds, they can say good night or something. Then he can play the recordings over and over again. I forget which apps do this though - WhatsApp?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should suck it up and call. Put a time limit on it. Just think…how many more years do you have with him?

+1

[Anonymous]

What about a text instead of a call?

[Anonymous]

My parents have done so much for me and my family we were like one unit. That would be a small thing for me to do to make my father happy.

If the children like to sit on your bed and talk about their day maybe get the large iPad and face time with him while they’re doing it. It’s easier to understand someone when you can see their face.

Make it as important as getting your kids to “sports” classes and getting regular for bed. You’ll be glad you did this small request from your father when he’s gone.

[Anonymous]

Kind and blunt. Dad, I need to be there for my young children to get them settled into bed. I can't be doing your nightly 'tuck in' as well at the same time. Explain you have been on the go all day and bedtime is time is time to slow down, curl up, simplify and quiet things down in your home. Between work, being a wife, mom, friend etc. you can't be his wife & mom as well. Seeing him 4-5 times a week already puts you in the awesome daughter category.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about a text instead of a call?

Already answered.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for suggestions all - regarding texting and video - it's not enough. He wants to hear our voices.

[Anonymous]

My dad died years ago, OP, and my mom wants daily phone calls because she’s lonely. That’s fair. But her loneliness isn’t my responsibility or something I can fix, and I will add that the idea that she was the only one affected by the loss of my dad and that the new lives in our family- my children- should come second to her needs? That really started to grate on me. I eventually stopped the daily calls because I was shortchanging helpless children to comfort an adult who was grieving the same person I was. In my case my mom wasn’t a very good mom and is not a helpful or involved grandparent, so it might be harder for someone with a different situation.

But OP, I hear you. It is actually really hard to give someone 20-30 minutes every. single. night. when you only have 3 hours after school with your kids. I think that’s really a really demanding ask and doesn’t show any perspective for others’ needs.

[Anonymous]

This thread reminds me that there is an epidemic of loneliness, especially among the elderly, and that all those people who warned me I had better have kids or I would grow old and die alone were full of BS - having kids is no guarantee that you won’t be lonely and sad in your golden years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for suggestions all - regarding texting and video - it's not enough. He wants to hear our voices.

What he “wants” is not reasonable, especially when you see him 4-5x a week. You have kids and they’re your priority in the evenings. He’s going to need to Adult Up.