Dad needs a nightly phone call. Sometimes not doable...

[Anonymous]

I would be so tempted to turn this into nagging: So how was the seniors coffee today? What do you mean, you didn't go? I sent you that information a week ago! You need to get out of the house -- what did you do instead? What do you mean, nothing? Well, there's an invasive weed pulling on Saturday, maybe you could go to that. I'll send you the information. You need to get out more, Dad.

If I were feeling nicer, I might have the kids call him right before dinner. It would keep them occupied while I'm busy, and there'd be a built-in endpoint. And if that doesn't work for him, I'd say I was just calling to check in and we'd call the next day.

[Anonymous]

You and the kids take turns calling him, a different on of you each night.

[Anonymous]

When my mom started needing more and more of my time I started exploring age restricted independent living communities. It took a few years to convince her but when she finally moved she wished she’d moved years earlier. The elderly need to be around their peers and often will just substitute in a child when there are no peers around. Independent living communities aren’t nursing homes- they offer meals and activities and trips.

[Anonymous]

I used to call my mom every day on my drive to work and on my way home. I miss her.

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written this.

I finally had to drop the rope. I felt SO guilty. I’d also get the guilt trip about “where were you” and it was hard not to feel bad. One day I just stopped. I didn’t answer the text. When I called the next day, I just explained that things got hectic and when they settled, I was too tired to talk. I didn’t this every other day for a while. It DID take time for it to become the “new normal”, but now it’s not even a thing. You kind of have to just rip off the bandage, realize you’re going to feel bad and they are going to nag, understand it’ll feel this way a while, and accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written this.

I finally had to drop the rope. I felt SO guilty. I’d also get the guilt trip about “where were you” and it was hard not to feel bad. One day I just stopped. I didn’t answer the text. When I called the next day, I just explained that things got hectic and when they settled, I was too tired to talk. I didn’t this every other day for a while. It DID take time for it to become the “new normal”, but now it’s not even a thing. You kind of have to just rip off the bandage, realize you’re going to feel bad and they are going to nag, understand it’ll feel this way a while, and accept it.

I posted before, but this is how it often goes. My experience and the experience of several of my friends is you want to please and you feel too much compassion and empathy so you give in. Then the neediness just keeps increasing and the guilt trips and the sadness. So you do more and then finally you cannot take anymore so you drop the rope or set some boundaries and they are so upset. It either turns into a massive pity party or rage and then it dawns on you....You were an enabler not a helper. Helping is calling to check on his on a schedule that works for you and giving him your time completely when you call. Enabling is calling daily and letting his feeling dictate everything. Enabling is fulfilling his every emotional need so he doesn't need to have or build a support network beyond family.

It really is like when you have a toddler in some ways. Your tot wants to be with you all.the.time and will cry and cry when you have the nerve to send them off the preschool or daycare. They will try to figure out what button to push they can win you and just you to meet their needs. There are bumps along the way, but when you keep your boundaries and insist your tot enter the social world with peers and make friends, the tot blossoms and you see all types of brain bursts. I found it to be very much like that with elderly parents. They tantrum and plead to have you be their life, but when you push them day programs or independent living or assisted living over time you see the mood lift. It's easier to be around them because you are not their whole world and you see brain connections you thought had faded. Your dad need needs friends and a social life. Maybe a support group with other widows would help.

[Anonymous]

Since he doesn't like talking to all of you on speakerphone (I don't like this either) can you have one kid talk to him at a time and split up the days? First kid on M/Th, 2nd kid T/F, and then you only need to do 3 days a week. Obviously schedule can vary depending on how busy everyone is. I'm sure both he and the kids would get a lot out of the 1:1 connection.

[Anonymous]

Make a video recording (or few). Send the link via text on nights you are busy.

Appreciate that you don't have to change his Depends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:then some wind down time - my kids both love to lie on my bed and chat about their days.

Can this be turned into a video call with grandpa, at least every so often?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and the kids take turns calling him, a different on of you each night.

This.

Sorry, but I think you have to find five minutes in the evening routine to call him. You can set boundaries around that - 5 minutes, rotates from kid to kid to you. But I'm in the camp of you figure it out and do it.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get why the kids can’t just call. One thing we can’t get back is time.

[Anonymous]

Consider changing the call time. Explain to your dad that night time + young children is too chaotic. The PP who spoke to her parent on her commute gave good advice. Pick a time that isn’t too crazy for you. The routine 8s obviously important to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he needs a dog.

OMG—yes! This is your answer.

[Anonymous]

My husband’s parents complain about never talking to his sister, but her kids are 1 and 3 and I try to remind them how hard it was for us when our kids were that age. They forget because my kids are 6 and 9 and they FaceTime and text grandparents on their own from their iPads. Also my kids are capable of sitting still and having a 3-5 min conversation about their day!

Here’s a few ideas -
1. Get him one of those picture frames that gets new photo’s automatically over WiFi so he gets new photos a few times a week from you.
2. Get MarcoPolo or get in the habit of recording a short video with the kids and texting it at a time that is convenient for you.
3. Go through all the stuff the kids bring home from school or daycare and “pick some things for Grandpa” and mail them once a week. My husband made us a stack of envelopes with stamps already addressed to family members and we send them kid art.
4. If your kids are a bit older, they can read a book to him or they can read the same book and talk about it. Get Grandpa to read Harry Potter or something.
5. Call your Dad while you are at sports. Put him on FaceTime and point the camera at the kid who is playing while you chat for 5-10 min.
6. Have the kids call him from the back seat while you drive home.
7. Get the kids and Grandpa on Facebook Messenger for kids. But here’s the key part - have Grandpa download the kids version of Messenger too. That way they can play games and do silly Snapchat type filters together.
8. FaceTime from the dinner table. We put our iPad on a tripod / stand and all sit on the same side of the table while we eat and talk to relatives. It’s great because the kids are captive.

Finally it takes a lot of coaching to build phone manners and relationship skills in kids. We try to model it, but we also explicitly prep them for calls. We ask them before the call “what’s a story we can tell grandma? What’s a question we can ask Grandma about her day/week/etc.” We also make sure we keep calls short but frequent. Kids are more willing to call grandparents a few times a week when they know it’s usually 5 min, 10 min max.

[Anonymous]

This is such a tiny ask.