Dad needs a nightly phone call. Sometimes not doable...

[Anonymous]

Please help me not become resentful or annoyed. He says he needs a nightly phone call from our kids and me to "tuck him in" since my mother died two years ago.
I'm a mom with two young children. Nighttime is usually getting in from sports, scrambling for dinner, showers, book, and then some wind down time - my kids both love to lie on my bed and chat about their days. Sometimes, I'm just frazzled and done - and focused on my kids - and if we don't call, the phone will ring at 9pm with my dad wondering where we were and wanting to chat. My kids want to do speaker, he can't hear them, the calls go on, and then it's 15 minutes later.
Part of me feels like a HUGE meanie. Who can't take time out for a call? But it just feels perfunctory and not like an organic, easy chat when we can actually talk about the day. Everyone is tired and preoccupied.
I have tried to subtly set a boundary by not calling each night. But when we miss a night, he texts me by 11pm with a sad emoji asking where we were.
I really don't know what to do. We barely talked on the phone before; when my mom was alive, maybe I'd call them three or four times a week.
He also lives nearby, so we see him 4-5 times a week. He is involved in our lives and sees the kids.
My DH is baffled - he talks to his (widowed) mom maybe twice a month!! She never asks him to call.
What do I do? I feel terrible. I get he's lonely. But I also feel like it's less about the interaction and more about checking a box, and it's a box that is sometimes disruptive. Help. I am consumed by guilt even feeling this way.

[Anonymous]

I think you have to just tell him straight out. Nightly calls do not work for us, dad. We will be happy to call you on days X, Y, and Z.

I would question whether he has an anxiety disorder.

[Anonymous]

OP I understand your frustration. I would try to leave the kids out of these nightly calls. Tell him it's just too hectic at bedtime to rope the kids in and also wind them down for bed. You can call him after the kids are in bed.

[Anonymous]

I saw your thread title and wondered if my sister wrote this. But she doesn't have kids.

She feels the same way you do. Adding to her burden is that of the 3 of us, she is the favorite. He doesn't want to hear from the other 2. My brother and I have long gotten past that

She sucks it up and does it. Our dad is looking for the connection to our mother. She most resembles her and her mannerisms. My dad lives in my basement and checking on him at night is not good enough. My dad also is scared of dying and wants to know that someone will notice if he dies.

I wish I had better advise for you. She draws a boundary when she's on vacation and tells him she won't be calling. She has told me that she tries to do it when she's walking the dog in the evening. She mentioned that she says a lot of uh huh, hmmm, that's good---in other words she's not really listening. Because lets be honest, in 24 hours nothing notable has occurred. I handle all of the dr appts so if there is something medically wrong I let my siblings know.

Can you call him and not involve the kids? Sorry to phrase it like this but can it be just one more thing that has to get done as part of the kids bedtime routine. Get the kids settled down and then make the call? Let him know that the kids have gone to bed. And as horrible as this sounds she does say it can't go on for more than a few more years.....

[Anonymous]

I think you have to draw a boundary that nightly calls are difficult with active kids- he must remember that?

But maybe you could send him a nightly text with a photo? Yes, it's perfunctory, but if it eases his mind.

I wonder if he feels so alone in the house that he feels like he needs a check in. Like anxiety could make him spiral - if no one calls me at night I could die alone and no one would know - sort of thoughts like that? In which case a perfunctory check the box - that isn't a disruptive phone call - might be just what you need to do.

[Anonymous]

I think you should suck it up and call. Put a time limit on it. Just think…how many more years do you have with him?

[Anonymous]

A relative of mine used to stop by and visit his widowed mom every day after work. His son called his mother ever day after work on his way home. Maybe you can find a better time? I really like this tradition and because it's short it tends to be something that both people know needs to end within a certain time frame.

[Anonymous]

I think it's totally reasonable to say no to something that doesn't work, but I also think that it's reasonable for you to have a different relationship with your Dad than your DH has with his mom.

Can you say "Dad, now that they're in sports, our evenings are really rushed, can we find another time to talk?" and then think about another way to connect each day that might work? If you drive them to school, maybe they call him or text him from the car? Or maybe you call on the way back from soccer, or whatever? Or maybe on the weekdays the kids send an emoji, and then a longer call every Saturday?

[Anonymous]

Can you call earlier in the day? Limit the time to less than 3 minutes. Just say I have to go.

[Anonymous]

That's asking a lot. I would just say how hard it is at that time and set up however many times a week feels appropriate for you.

However, for me, seeing him 4-5x a week would check that box without any additional phone calls. I have no clue how you have time for that. I am lucky to see my parents and ILs monthly. There's quite literally not time for 4-5x a week between work and activities.

[Anonymous]

Does he have an alert bracelet? I think for a senior who lives alone, it's reasonable to want a check-in just so someone would notice if you were in trouble. My grandma and her best friend used to call each other 2x a day, with the understanding to call their adult children if the other didn't pick up. The best friend had a stroke after their morning call and would have lain on the floor all night if my grandma hadn't intervened when she didn't pick up in the evening.

[Anonymous]

Can you explain to him that while the kids love him and enjoy talking to him, requiring them to do anything on a daily basis is the fastest way to turn even a favorite activity into a dreaded chore? Tell him that it’s not their job (or yours) to tuck him into bed ever night, and you’d much prefer to be able to call him just because you want to chat. Then, at least at first, try to have some nice long calls or even extra visits during the day when you can fit them in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please help me not become resentful or annoyed. He says he needs a nightly phone call from our kids and me to "tuck him in" since my mother died two years ago.
I'm a mom with two young children. Nighttime is usually getting in from sports, scrambling for dinner, showers, book, and then some wind down time - my kids both love to lie on my bed and chat about their days. Sometimes, I'm just frazzled and done - and focused on my kids - and if we don't call, the phone will ring at 9pm with my dad wondering where we were and wanting to chat. My kids want to do speaker, he can't hear them, the calls go on, and then it's 15 minutes later.
Part of me feels like a HUGE meanie. Who can't take time out for a call? But it just feels perfunctory and not like an organic, easy chat when we can actually talk about the day. Everyone is tired and preoccupied.
I have tried to subtly set a boundary by not calling each night. But when we miss a night, he texts me by 11pm with a sad emoji asking where we were.
I really don't know what to do. We barely talked on the phone before; when my mom was alive, maybe I'd call them three or four times a week.
He also lives nearby, so we see him 4-5 times a week. He is involved in our lives and sees the kids.
My DH is baffled - he talks to his (widowed) mom maybe twice a month!! She never asks him to call.
What do I do? I feel terrible. I get he's lonely. But I also feel like it's less about the interaction and more about checking a box, and it's a box that is sometimes disruptive. Help. I am consumed by guilt even feeling this way.

Ok, there's no "subtly set a boundary". Tell him what your boundary is, in words. "Dad, I can talk with you between 9:30 and 10, after I get the kids to bed." "Dad, I can call you on the days we don't see you in person." Or whatever.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. I called my dad every night for years after my mom died, and I remember being annoyed a LOT of the time. At first it was because he was lonely and later it became a way to keep tabs on him from a distance after he developed Alzheimers. I remember for a while I'd do it while the kids were in the tub - they could shout hello etc on speaker phone - and it was a successful way to multitask. And after a while it became somewhat routinized - the calls were brief and not terribly informative, just a way to check in.

You're not going to want to hear this, but when he became too ill to talk on the phone and then after he died, I missed those calls a lot. In retrospect they were an anchor for me too. I'm not trying to guilt trip you because I know how hard the whole sandwich years are. I missed plenty of nights and complained plenty! But I'm also glad that I had that time with my dad.

[Anonymous]

What about calls when you can and a nightly text? Could you manage that? If you are also seeing him 4-5 times a week, this is a lot to ask. I would be frazzled too OP.

I do think night time is hard for older folks. Do you have a sibling to share this load with?