Why don’t more parents understand that adult kids have leverage nowadays to cut off contact, and

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t totally cut my parents out but I keep my distance for all the reasons stated in this thread. I call them once every couple of weeks just to let them know I’m alive and let them talk to their grandkid. My parents can’t help themselves but to criticize so I keep my distance.

I’m hoping when my kid grows up we have a closer relationship.

Nah! These are learned patterns. Your kids will hate you as much as you hate your parents. You all are dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This must be the same parent that allows her teen child to ignore the elderly women living in the home because she watches different tv channels.

Willfully consuming hate and racism has its consequences. Choices have consequences. Is what it is.

+ 1
I have great relationship with ILs and parents. My parents and ILs have great relationship with my kids. Loving each other and accepting each other is a learned behavior.

Having a functional and happy household, being able to socialize with everyone, being educated, not having bad habits, having good manners, making good choices, being civic minded - all of this is in our hands. Hate begets hate. Love begets love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol, deuces kid.

Enjoy “leveraging” yourself in a studio apartment with no family support. Fact that you took to DCUM to make this pronouncement tells me you’re super mature and things are going really well for you.

The most toxic and controlling parents I know made sure their child lived alone without roommates and often living in an apartment or condo the parents owned.

The most useless, underperforming, entitled brats I know were relying on their parents to fund their housing in their mid 20s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol, deuces kid.

Enjoy “leveraging” yourself in a studio apartment with no family support. Fact that you took to DCUM to make this pronouncement tells me you’re super mature and things are going really well for you.

The most toxic and controlling parents I know made sure their child lived alone without roommates and often living in an apartment or condo the parents owned.

The most useless, underperforming, entitled brats I know were relying on their parents to fund their housing in their mid 20s.

It’s almost like controlling parents tend to have entitled adult children. It’s interesting, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

As a teen I wasn’t allowed to make my own friends. If I made my own friend, my mom would find something wrong with the friend and not allow us to spend time together. She would describe someone normal who went to parties as a “druggie”. Everything was very black or white.

I was only allowed to have a car my senior year of HS so they could control my whereabouts. My mom referred to cars as “killing machines”. I finally took my car to college my sophomore year so I could drive to work. It took a lot to get my parents to allow this. My parents then introduced “checks” on the car. I wasn’t allowed to drive the car at night so they would take trips to my college town to make sure the car was indeed in the parking lot of my dorm at night.

My interests and likes/dislikes were completely disregarded. I didn’t like playing an instrument. Too bad. You’ll play it. I disliked church. Too bad. You’ll go every Sunday and also go on youth group trips during the summer.

I wasn’t allowed to find my own PT job. My mom found it for me and I was forced to work there under threats. I wanted to work somewhere else but it wasn’t allowed.

I loved summer camp. Too much for my parents. My mom said “we will nip this independence on the bud” and I was not allowed to ever go again. One of the biggest disappointments of my childhood. Being able to make my own friends and sign up for activities I enjoyed was amazing. I could see the light.

I wasn’t allowed to go to college out of state despite my parents having plenty of money. I wanted to apply anyway and get loans but didn’t have access to a checking account to pay for applications. The college advisor at my school told my parents and I was then punished for pursuing anything out of state.

During college I wasn’t allowed to study abroad. Parents refused to pay for it and because of their controlling ways, I didn’t have the ability to take out loans. Instead I was told I’d spend summer abroad with my parents. As a 20 year old I spent the summer touring Europe with my parents.

Other disrespectful things my mom did included reading my notes, listening to phone conversations and saying things like “you can’t trust teenagers.” if I ever talked to a boy in HS my mom would say things like “you need to get on birth control so you don’t have to murder your child.” Except I wasn’t sexually active. They said I was and didn’t believe me.

After college my parents used their financial means to try to control me. They paid for a condo in Manhattan. I eventually figured them out, moved out and went on my way.

I am now only allowed to pretend I had a wonderful childhood and my parents were perfect parents. They act like I’m crazy and ungrateful if I bring anything up. So I don’t. I instead stay away from them. I have a harder time now with the relationship since I’m a parent and can’t imagine treating my kids in the authoritative manner in which I was raised. They had 0 respect for me as an individual and made it clear that as a child I was a second class citizen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

As a teen I wasn’t allowed to make my own friends. If I made my own friend, my mom would find something wrong with the friend and not allow us to spend time together. She would describe someone normal who went to parties as a “druggie”. Everything was very black or white.

I was only allowed to have a car my senior year of HS so they could control my whereabouts. My mom referred to cars as “killing machines”. I finally took my car to college my sophomore year so I could drive to work. It took a lot to get my parents to allow this. My parents then introduced “checks” on the car. I wasn’t allowed to drive the car at night so they would take trips to my college town to make sure the car was indeed in the parking lot of my dorm at night.

My interests and likes/dislikes were completely disregarded. I didn’t like playing an instrument. Too bad. You’ll play it. I disliked church. Too bad. You’ll go every Sunday and also go on youth group trips during the summer.

I wasn’t allowed to find my own PT job. My mom found it for me and I was forced to work there under threats. I wanted to work somewhere else but it wasn’t allowed.

I loved summer camp. Too much for my parents. My mom said “we will nip this independence on the bud” and I was not allowed to ever go again. One of the biggest disappointments of my childhood. Being able to make my own friends and sign up for activities I enjoyed was amazing. I could see the light.

I wasn’t allowed to go to college out of state despite my parents having plenty of money. I wanted to apply anyway and get loans but didn’t have access to a checking account to pay for applications. The college advisor at my school told my parents and I was then punished for pursuing anything out of state.

During college I wasn’t allowed to study abroad. Parents refused to pay for it and because of their controlling ways, I didn’t have the ability to take out loans. Instead I was told I’d spend summer abroad with my parents. As a 20 year old I spent the summer touring Europe with my parents.

Other disrespectful things my mom did included reading my notes, listening to phone conversations and saying things like “you can’t trust teenagers.” if I ever talked to a boy in HS my mom would say things like “you need to get on birth control so you don’t have to murder your child.” Except I wasn’t sexually active. They said I was and didn’t believe me.

After college my parents used their financial means to try to control me. They paid for a condo in Manhattan. I eventually figured them out, moved out and went on my way.

I am now only allowed to pretend I had a wonderful childhood and my parents were perfect parents. They act like I’m crazy and ungrateful if I bring anything up. So I don’t. I instead stay away from them. I have a harder time now with the relationship since I’m a parent and can’t imagine treating my kids in the authoritative manner in which I was raised. They had 0 respect for me as an individual and made it clear that as a child I was a second class citizen.

That there is a lot of baggage. Like a team of guys hoisting trunks on to the Titanic amount of baggage.

However, you sure seem to want/need their money. Otherwise you could have avoided the last 3-4 paragraphs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

As a teen I wasn’t allowed to make my own friends. If I made my own friend, my mom would find something wrong with the friend and not allow us to spend time together. She would describe someone normal who went to parties as a “druggie”. Everything was very black or white.

I was only allowed to have a car my senior year of HS so they could control my whereabouts. My mom referred to cars as “killing machines”. I finally took my car to college my sophomore year so I could drive to work. It took a lot to get my parents to allow this. My parents then introduced “checks” on the car. I wasn’t allowed to drive the car at night so they would take trips to my college town to make sure the car was indeed in the parking lot of my dorm at night.

My interests and likes/dislikes were completely disregarded. I didn’t like playing an instrument. Too bad. You’ll play it. I disliked church. Too bad. You’ll go every Sunday and also go on youth group trips during the summer.

I wasn’t allowed to find my own PT job. My mom found it for me and I was forced to work there under threats. I wanted to work somewhere else but it wasn’t allowed.

I loved summer camp. Too much for my parents. My mom said “we will nip this independence on the bud” and I was not allowed to ever go again. One of the biggest disappointments of my childhood. Being able to make my own friends and sign up for activities I enjoyed was amazing. I could see the light.

I wasn’t allowed to go to college out of state despite my parents having plenty of money. I wanted to apply anyway and get loans but didn’t have access to a checking account to pay for applications. The college advisor at my school told my parents and I was then punished for pursuing anything out of state.

During college I wasn’t allowed to study abroad. Parents refused to pay for it and because of their controlling ways, I didn’t have the ability to take out loans. Instead I was told I’d spend summer abroad with my parents. As a 20 year old I spent the summer touring Europe with my parents.

Other disrespectful things my mom did included reading my notes, listening to phone conversations and saying things like “you can’t trust teenagers.” if I ever talked to a boy in HS my mom would say things like “you need to get on birth control so you don’t have to murder your child.” Except I wasn’t sexually active. They said I was and didn’t believe me.

After college my parents used their financial means to try to control me. They paid for a condo in Manhattan. I eventually figured them out, moved out and went on my way.

I am now only allowed to pretend I had a wonderful childhood and my parents were perfect parents. They act like I’m crazy and ungrateful if I bring anything up. So I don’t. I instead stay away from them. I have a harder time now with the relationship since I’m a parent and can’t imagine treating my kids in the authoritative manner in which I was raised. They had 0 respect for me as an individual and made it clear that as a child I was a second class citizen.

That there is a lot of baggage. Like a team of guys hoisting trunks on to the Titanic amount of baggage.

However, you sure seem to want/need their money. Otherwise you could have avoided the last 3-4 paragraphs.

What do you mean? I’ve been financially independent for a long, long time. My DH and I both have successful careers and don’t take any money from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

As a teen I wasn’t allowed to make my own friends. If I made my own friend, my mom would find something wrong with the friend and not allow us to spend time together. She would describe someone normal who went to parties as a “druggie”. Everything was very black or white.

I was only allowed to have a car my senior year of HS so they could control my whereabouts. My mom referred to cars as “killing machines”. I finally took my car to college my sophomore year so I could drive to work. It took a lot to get my parents to allow this. My parents then introduced “checks” on the car. I wasn’t allowed to drive the car at night so they would take trips to my college town to make sure the car was indeed in the parking lot of my dorm at night.

My interests and likes/dislikes were completely disregarded. I didn’t like playing an instrument. Too bad. You’ll play it. I disliked church. Too bad. You’ll go every Sunday and also go on youth group trips during the summer.

I wasn’t allowed to find my own PT job. My mom found it for me and I was forced to work there under threats. I wanted to work somewhere else but it wasn’t allowed.

I loved summer camp. Too much for my parents. My mom said “we will nip this independence on the bud” and I was not allowed to ever go again. One of the biggest disappointments of my childhood. Being able to make my own friends and sign up for activities I enjoyed was amazing. I could see the light.

I wasn’t allowed to go to college out of state despite my parents having plenty of money. I wanted to apply anyway and get loans but didn’t have access to a checking account to pay for applications. The college advisor at my school told my parents and I was then punished for pursuing anything out of state.

During college I wasn’t allowed to study abroad. Parents refused to pay for it and because of their controlling ways, I didn’t have the ability to take out loans. Instead I was told I’d spend summer abroad with my parents. As a 20 year old I spent the summer touring Europe with my parents.

Other disrespectful things my mom did included reading my notes, listening to phone conversations and saying things like “you can’t trust teenagers.” if I ever talked to a boy in HS my mom would say things like “you need to get on birth control so you don’t have to murder your child.” Except I wasn’t sexually active. They said I was and didn’t believe me.

After college my parents used their financial means to try to control me. They paid for a condo in Manhattan. I eventually figured them out, moved out and went on my way.

I am now only allowed to pretend I had a wonderful childhood and my parents were perfect parents. They act like I’m crazy and ungrateful if I bring anything up. So I don’t. I instead stay away from them. I have a harder time now with the relationship since I’m a parent and can’t imagine treating my kids in the authoritative manner in which I was raised. They had 0 respect for me as an individual and made it clear that as a child I was a second class citizen.

That there is a lot of baggage. Like a team of guys hoisting trunks on to the Titanic amount of baggage.

However, you sure seem to want/need their money. Otherwise you could have avoided the last 3-4 paragraphs.

+1 poor little rich girl

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Huh? Who are we talking about? Can we not generalize for the rest of the population when we are talking about the angry White people?

and there it is - never takes long, sadly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

As a teen I wasn’t allowed to make my own friends. If I made my own friend, my mom would find something wrong with the friend and not allow us to spend time together. She would describe someone normal who went to parties as a “druggie”. Everything was very black or white.

I was only allowed to have a car my senior year of HS so they could control my whereabouts. My mom referred to cars as “killing machines”. I finally took my car to college my sophomore year so I could drive to work. It took a lot to get my parents to allow this. My parents then introduced “checks” on the car. I wasn’t allowed to drive the car at night so they would take trips to my college town to make sure the car was indeed in the parking lot of my dorm at night.

My interests and likes/dislikes were completely disregarded. I didn’t like playing an instrument. Too bad. You’ll play it. I disliked church. Too bad. You’ll go every Sunday and also go on youth group trips during the summer.

I wasn’t allowed to find my own PT job. My mom found it for me and I was forced to work there under threats. I wanted to work somewhere else but it wasn’t allowed.

I loved summer camp. Too much for my parents. My mom said “we will nip this independence on the bud” and I was not allowed to ever go again. One of the biggest disappointments of my childhood. Being able to make my own friends and sign up for activities I enjoyed was amazing. I could see the light.

I wasn’t allowed to go to college out of state despite my parents having plenty of money. I wanted to apply anyway and get loans but didn’t have access to a checking account to pay for applications. The college advisor at my school told my parents and I was then punished for pursuing anything out of state.

During college I wasn’t allowed to study abroad. Parents refused to pay for it and because of their controlling ways, I didn’t have the ability to take out loans. Instead I was told I’d spend summer abroad with my parents. As a 20 year old I spent the summer touring Europe with my parents.

Other disrespectful things my mom did included reading my notes, listening to phone conversations and saying things like “you can’t trust teenagers.” if I ever talked to a boy in HS my mom would say things like “you need to get on birth control so you don’t have to murder your child.” Except I wasn’t sexually active. They said I was and didn’t believe me.

After college my parents used their financial means to try to control me. They paid for a condo in Manhattan. I eventually figured them out, moved out and went on my way.

I am now only allowed to pretend I had a wonderful childhood and my parents were perfect parents. They act like I’m crazy and ungrateful if I bring anything up. So I don’t. I instead stay away from them. I have a harder time now with the relationship since I’m a parent and can’t imagine treating my kids in the authoritative manner in which I was raised. They had 0 respect for me as an individual and made it clear that as a child I was a second class citizen.

That sounds remarkably like my mother. We have a good relationship now because I “escaped” and moved to the US with my now husband at 21. It came as a huge shock to their system and my father didn’t speak to me for 3 months before I left. It was the only way they were able to see me as a individual. Now my husband and I are better off than they are, and they see how I’m raising my kids and how I trust them and give them freedom… I think they're realizing there are other ways to parent than what they did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:that they need to be REALLY careful in their interactions with their late teens & early 20s kids? Seriously.

Careful behavior goes way beyond early 20's and as they have relationships or marry it also extends to their partners. I've gotten in trouble for requests at our house. Leverage now has visiting dog with access to all rooms, all furniture, plus counter surfing and jumping on in any household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that they need to be REALLY careful in their interactions with their late teens & early 20s kids? Seriously.

Careful behavior goes way beyond early 20's and as they have relationships or marry it also extends to their partners. I've gotten in trouble for requests at our house. Leverage now has visiting dog with access to all rooms, all furniture, plus counter surfing and jumping on in any household.

I have no idea what any of this means. Want to try it again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s some truth to this. My parents were terrible to me as a teenager and didn’t seem to understand I’d one day be an adult. I’m ridiculed if I ever bring up anything from the past. When I was a teenager I tried to let them know things that bothered or hurt me, but they completely ignored me. Now they seem shocked I keep my distance from them.

They are probably shocked because they put up with so much if your bs, and we’re probably hopeful that you’d some say come to your senses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t totally cut my parents out but I keep my distance for all the reasons stated in this thread. I call them once every couple of weeks just to let them know I’m alive and let them talk to their grandkid. My parents can’t help themselves but to criticize so I keep my distance.

I’m hoping when my kid grows up we have a closer relationship.

Kid will mirror his our behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t totally cut my parents out but I keep my distance for all the reasons stated in this thread. I call them once every couple of weeks just to let them know I’m alive and let them talk to their grandkid. My parents can’t help themselves but to criticize so I keep my distance.

I’m hoping when my kid grows up we have a closer relationship.

Kid will mirror his our behavior.

NP. Hopefully! I certainly am raising my kids to set boundaries, to listen, to respect other people’s autonomy, and to distance themselves from toxic people. Like anyone in my life, I know that if I treat my kids with kindness and respect, they’ll want to spend time with me. I know that if I am critical, overbearing, and selfish, they will want to keep some distance. See how that works?