Why doesn't my wife like me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, perhaps you answered this question but are you non-neurotypical? Are you on the autism spectrum?

I'm questioning why this is relevant, only because I've seen many other threads get thrown off because of ADHD and Autism generalizations and assumptions and biases by posters, where you are assuming that I (assuming that I have Autism or ADHD or Aspergers) is the reason behind a host of issues that have not been mentioned in the thread but will be assumed to be the underlying issues going on because "aha".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, perhaps you answered this question but are you non-neurotypical? Are you on the autism spectrum?

I'm questioning why this is relevant, only because I've seen many other threads get thrown off because of ADHD and Autism generalizations and assumptions and biases by posters, where you are assuming that I (assuming that I have Autism or ADHD or Aspergers) is the reason behind a host of issues that have not been mentioned in the thread but will be assumed to be the underlying issues going on because "aha".

That's a lot of words for "yes."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a real question and I don't want an answer. But I am a socially awkward guy who is successful. By no means do I think I'm perfect, but I would love to come in from work one day and hear that I did something well. Does that ever happen to men?

I come home and try to spend time with her but she always tells me she doesn't want to hear about our direct care about my interests whether that be books or TV shows or games, parenting whatever. No-go.

Instead, she'll point out things I do wrong that I guess embarrass her and focus on that, telling me how to improve. But then I improve and create another dependency and the cycle repeats.

It's frustrating because I feel like she married this nerdy dude and she knew he was nerdy. Now she's trying to change me for social acceptance, and meanwhile nerdy me feels isolated.

What does this mean?

She says "you bring your Rubik's cube too often to parties"
I'll get a notebook and bring it to the party. I'm social but at dull moments I'll write in it, just thoughts, maybe a question, maybe song lyrics
So later I'll see her and she criticizes the notepad.
Fast forward and I have something else. But these fidget things help with social anxiety and she seems to be against them. Maybe more some than others, but why does she get to be the social police for me.

Parties are to socialize with other human beings. How can you do that if you are alone writing in your notebook or playing with your Rubik's cube those acts mean you don't want to be bothered and single to others you want to stay to yourself?

The problem is I'm awkward. I'm always going to be awkward. There's no button to press that will magically give me the right joke to say or the right inspirational speech to give. No I ask weird questions and tell weird stories, I embarrass myself quite often. I enjoy sitting and reading books. I have no problem talking about those books but sometimes I dive too deep into the fictional world that people get mad at my questions.

I went to a social gathering last week where we heard a few stories. In my head I had about a dozen questions a minute go through my head that sometimes jokes, sometimes legit questions but maybe offensive, and sometimes legit questions but questions that I can ask. The other thing. I can't disguise my face. So when I have a question that I don't want to ask, I may say "no" to myself or frown or shake my head. But that's not socially appropriate. So I sat there and fidgeted with my phone and played it off, but this is not socially appropriate either.

I don't stay to myself. I go to be by myself to re-group. Its like taking a pit stop on a run, except for me a bottle of water is a Rubik's cube. Going back to that conversation after solving the puzzle, my mind is a lot calmer. Its not throwing out as many questions, as it is partially thinking about the solution to the cube. As a result I'm normally able to participate in these conversations easier and make less of a fool of myself.

[edited] The problem is I'm awkward. I'm always going to be awkward. There's no button to press that will magically give me the right joke to say or the right inspirational speech to give. No, I ask weird questions and tell weird stories. I embarrass myself quite often. I enjoy sitting and reading books. I have no problem talking about those books, but sometimes, I dive too deep into the fictional world, that people get mad at my questions.

I went to a social gathering last week where we heard a few stories [from other people]. In my head I had about a dozen questions a minute go through my head that sometimes [were] jokes, sometimes [were] legit questions but maybe offensive, and sometimes [were] legit questions but questions that I can ask. The other thing [is] I can't disguise my face. So when I have a question that I don't want to ask, I may say "no" to myself or frown or shake my head. But that's not socially appropriate. So I sat there and fidgeted with my phone and played it off, but this is not socially appropriate either.

[So] I don't stay to myself. I go to be by myself to re-group. Its like taking a pit stop on a run, except for me a bottle of water is a Rubik's cube. Going back to that conversation after solving the puzzle, my mind is a lot calmer. Its not throwing out as many questions, as it is partially thinking about the solution to the cube. As a result I'm normally able to participate in these conversations easier and make less of a fool of myself.

It sounds to me like you really expect her to understand you on a very deep level, but you don’t really reciprocate. You want her to understand your anxiety and your crutches and why you use them. But all you can really tell us about your wife is that she means well, wants the best for her kids, likes to play word games, and likes the Bible.
Marriage is supposed to be give and take. It might be your turn to do a little more of the giving here. You know, play Scrabble and don’t look distracted. Stop playing the word game you invented that you know she hates.
If you show her that you love her more in your day to day interactions, it will be easier for her to forgive your social quirks.

[Anonymous]

What percentage of the housework do you do?

[Anonymous]

OP, perhaps you answered this question but are you non-neurotypical? Are you on the autism spectrum?

I'm questioning why this is relevant, only because I've seen many other threads get thrown off because of ADHD and Autism generalizations and assumptions and biases by posters, where you are assuming that I (assuming that I have Autism or ADHD or Aspergers) is the reason behind a host of issues that have not been mentioned in the thread but will be assumed to be the underlying issues going on because "aha".

That's a lot of words for "yes."

On DCUM, and in many other places, women blame men who have even very low symptom ADHD for imperfections when they problem is the woman herself. So, the answer could be "Yes, she is witch."

OP - Your wife sounds horrible. If she enjoys hurting you, she will have to do so in greater degrees prospectively to obtain the same benefit.

Stop this while you can.

[Anonymous]

So what is it you are doing that annoys her so much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What percentage of the housework do you do?

Trash, Toilets (every night), Showers (not every night), floors (most nights), dishes (if she doesn't do them first), putting kids to bed (every night),

She does most but I have been trying to do more. This is going on 6 months now of I think of me doing well. But I'll have to ask her about that and I don't like asking her about that because either she says I'm "seeking approval" or she comes back and quickly criticizes my job, but I think 6 months is a good time to see a review.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're my twin brother. I am somewhat nerdy, but also built up and play sports. But no matter what, everything I do is wrong according to my wife. I speak too softly, too loudly. I am too boring, too unwilling to take risks, too immature, too serious. You get the picture. And then I think about a nerdy girl in business school who was interested in me and wonder why I didn't do something about it instead of wind up in the mess that is my current life. I have stayed much too long more so due to insecurities - e.g. , I will wind up alone, nobody else is out there for me, dating sucks and I don't want to do it, etc.

DO NOT END UP BEING ME.

[Anonymous]

Team wife. You sound super weird. That might have been cute and quirky when you were in your 20s pre kids. But as a grown adult she is likely seeking other adults to have as friends, so she has someone besides you to be friends with, and you embarrass her. So stop. Would it really be that hard to hold some light conversation when out with others for a couple hours? Without your journal, Rubix cube, or muttering to yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a real question and I don't want an answer. But I am a socially awkward guy who is successful. By no means do I think I'm perfect, but I would love to come in from work one day and hear that I did something well. Does that ever happen to men?

I come home and try to spend time with her but she always tells me she doesn't want to hear about our direct care about my interests whether that be books or TV shows or games, parenting whatever. No-go.

Instead, she'll point out things I do wrong that I guess embarrass her and focus on that, telling me how to improve. But then I improve and create another dependency and the cycle repeats.

It's frustrating because I feel like she married this nerdy dude and she knew he was nerdy. Now she's trying to change me for social acceptance, and meanwhile nerdy me feels isolated.

What does this mean?

She says "you bring your Rubik's cube too often to parties"
I'll get a notebook and bring it to the party. I'm social but at dull moments I'll write in it, just thoughts, maybe a question, maybe song lyrics
So later I'll see her and she criticizes the notepad.
Fast forward and I have something else. But these fidget things help with social anxiety and she seems to be against them. Maybe more some than others, but why does she get to be the social police for me.

Parties are to socialize with other human beings. How can you do that if you are alone writing in your notebook or playing with your Rubik's cube those acts mean you don't want to be bothered and single to others you want to stay to yourself?

The problem is I'm awkward. I'm always going to be awkward. There's no button to press that will magically give me the right joke to say or the right inspirational speech to give. No I ask weird questions and tell weird stories, I embarrass myself quite often. I enjoy sitting and reading books. I have no problem talking about those books but sometimes I dive too deep into the fictional world that people get mad at my questions.

I went to a social gathering last week where we heard a few stories. In my head I had about a dozen questions a minute go through my head that sometimes jokes, sometimes legit questions but maybe offensive, and sometimes legit questions but questions that I can ask. The other thing. I can't disguise my face. So when I have a question that I don't want to ask, I may say "no" to myself or frown or shake my head. But that's not socially appropriate. So I sat there and fidgeted with my phone and played it off, but this is not socially appropriate either.

I don't stay to myself. I go to be by myself to re-group. Its like taking a pit stop on a run, except for me a bottle of water is a Rubik's cube. Going back to that conversation after solving the puzzle, my mind is a lot calmer. Its not throwing out as many questions, as it is partially thinking about the solution to the cube. As a result I'm normally able to participate in these conversations easier and make less of a fool of myself.

[edited] The problem is I'm awkward. I'm always going to be awkward. There's no button to press that will magically give me the right joke to say or the right inspirational speech to give. No, I ask weird questions and tell weird stories. I embarrass myself quite often. I enjoy sitting and reading books. I have no problem talking about those books, but sometimes, I dive too deep into the fictional world, that people get mad at my questions.

I went to a social gathering last week where we heard a few stories [from other people]. In my head I had about a dozen questions a minute go through my head that sometimes [were] jokes, sometimes [were] legit questions but maybe offensive, and sometimes [were] legit questions but questions that I can ask. The other thing [is] I can't disguise my face. So when I have a question that I don't want to ask, I may say "no" to myself or frown or shake my head. But that's not socially appropriate. So I sat there and fidgeted with my phone and played it off, but this is not socially appropriate either.

[So] I don't stay to myself. I go to be by myself to re-group. Its like taking a pit stop on a run, except for me a bottle of water is a Rubik's cube. Going back to that conversation after solving the puzzle, my mind is a lot calmer. Its not throwing out as many questions, as it is partially thinking about the solution to the cube. As a result I'm normally able to participate in these conversations easier and make less of a fool of myself.

It sounds to me like you really expect her to understand you on a very deep level, but you don’t really reciprocate. You want her to understand your anxiety and your crutches and why you use them. But all you can really tell us about your wife is that she means well, wants the best for her kids, likes to play word games, and likes the Bible.
Marriage is supposed to be give and take. It might be your turn to do a little more of the giving here. You know, play Scrabble and don’t look distracted. Stop playing the word game you invented that you know she hates.
If you show her that you love her more in your day to day interactions, it will be easier for her to forgive your social quirks.

Maybe this is it, but I'd counter with the fact that when I try to ask questions and ask for stories about her life I'm met with silence. I can tell you some of her favorites (not here). I could sing her favorite songs. but does that help you get to know a person? When we dated she said she liked board games and card games but we've never played. I have scrabble, chess, cards, uno, but nothing. I promised to teach her to play chess and was excited when she asked but that was before this drama.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I’m PP who asked about ASD. It’s relevant, because it reflects your experience in the world, and your social interactions. Some of the behaviors you describe are in sync with ASD. It would NOT excuse your wife - her behavior sounds disrespectful and demeaning. It sounds like she is self-conscious and really focused on fitting in and “social capital”, which would make daily life with her very unpleasant.

You might be happier on your own.

[Anonymous]

The party habits are SO weird. I can’t really blame your spouse for being upset about Rubix cubes etc to social events. And I say that as an ASD and ADHD person myself. It’s just disrespectful behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What percentage of the housework do you do?

Trash, Toilets (every night), Showers (not every night), floors (most nights), dishes (if she doesn't do them first), putting kids to bed (every night),

She does most but I have been trying to do more. This is going on 6 months now of I think of me doing well. But I'll have to ask her about that and I don't like asking her about that because either she says I'm "seeking approval" or she comes back and quickly criticizes my job, but I think 6 months is a good time to see a review.

This is weird. Don’t ask her for a 6 month review. This is your house, and these are your kids too. If you feel like it’s clean enough or bedtime is going well, then do it your way. If she criticizes it, stand up for yourself. You are a competent human being who can figure out a good way to put the children to bed. Standing up for yourself might cause a small argument short term, but she will feel a lot less resentful and distant from you in the long term. No one wants to feel like they are the only adult in the house. When women get married, they want the man they married into to be a life partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What percentage of the housework do you do?

46.8%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The party habits are SO weird. I can’t really blame your spouse for being upset about Rubix cubes etc to social events. And I say that as an ASD and ADHD person myself. It’s just disrespectful behavior.

This is why I stopped them. I developed others. But I needed something. The problem is she acts like I can just go in, but there's a reason that fidget devices are hot right now especially in the ADHD community. So even if it's not a Rubik's cube or a novel or a notepad it can be something. I told her that if I have to I'll resort to just saying a few lines of a song to myself or looking for a word in the room and thinking of sub-words of that word. Those are games at played at the airport to pass time. They're not ideal and I hate word games but I'd rather do word games than let my mind rumble through thousands of questions.