Why doesn't my wife like me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds horrible. I'd get a divorce. What give her the right to criticize you, is she a 10 or a tremendous achiever?

I don't want a divorce. I want the woman I married back. I feel like a child typing that.

The woman you married wasn't real, she was either an actress or a con-woman, and you were the mark. As women age they find it harder and harder to suppress their actual personality. You are now seeing who she truly is.

[Anonymous]

How long did you date before marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m coming in with a different perspective. Because my DH could easily have written your post.

When I complain about something, it gets magnified 10x in DHs mind, and when I compliment something or show appreciation, he barely notices. It starts a cycle where I feel like I have to SHOUT my complaints just to feel heard, and I stop complimenting because the compliments don’t register.

We’ve had a lot of therapy and things are improving. DH has learned that if I complain about XYZ, I’m not rejecting who he is as a person. And I’ve learned to be direct and clear about my complaints and then move on.

I recommend a book called “This is how your marriage ends”.

You can break this cycle and get back to where you were OP. It just takes some work.

This sounds like my wife. Compliments don't register at all. But say anything slightly critical and hoo-boy.

[Anonymous]

Is she an over-achiever? Is she great and amazing? If not start telling HER what she can improve after she gives you tips on yourself. Critique HER. Pretty sure that will shut her up or at least let her see exactly what she is doing to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is deeply insecure and has extreme anxiety found someone who will tolerate her BS. The more she focuses on your shortcomings the less she has to acknowledge hers.

That’s it. Nothing more nothing less.

+1000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Develop a new hobby that's somewhat masculine, like woodworking. Also, begin volunteering at a soup kitchen. You want respect, not neediness

I have a lot of masculine hobbies that I don't have time for because of kids - I play sports and do ligh home repair. But those are not what I do for fun, more things that I do for necessity, if the boys are doing it or if sheet rock needs repair. What I do for fun is sudokus. But wifey doesn't like that.

What does she like to do? And what do you like about her?

Read the Bible (but she doesn't like to discuss it with me)
Listen to music
Watch TV sometimes (when she has time)
Cook
She had other hobbies too like books and education but she keeps that stuff distant from me.

I hate word games. She loves them. She loves Scrabble. So I thought I'd create a word game that she'd love. I created it and started playing with the kids, and she refused to participate. Like it was against her religion.

So we play the game and it keeps the kids from acting up. She gives me no credit for it, but blames me for being distracted while playing the game though.

What do you mean she keeps things from you like about reading the bible and books and education like she won't talk to you about it? You created a word game for her and she won't even play not once? Have you keep trying to ask her to play?

Is she even your friend OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really think she means well. But she places much higher value on social capital. She says for the kids and for their own rise in the social standings, which I get. But I still lean more toward teaching them to lean on a crutch like simply writing down the lyrics to a song to help calm down like I did in JHS.

There is a balance where these crutches are rude and socially awkward and that can be the problem. I counter with you have to measure that with the environment and the expectation and outcome. If solving a Rubik's cube helps me before a family function, then what's the harm? And its a novelty. If he's going to just sit in the corner and solve and not be social then that's a problem.

I try and be social, but I make dumb mistakes and instead of cursing or getting angry or wanting to leave, I'll try to get something to help me relax my anxiety, but she thinks these things are rude.

I think the balance is that I'm saying that any pulling out of my phone is not allowed (by her) and she's saying that all I'm going to do is is sit in the corner on my phone / doing puzzles / writing / whatever.

I am not observant of my own behavior, I only know my emotions and how nervous I am in these settings. So when she points out that I was rude it stings because I'm reminded of how nervous I was and she ignores that and I try to remind her but she ignores that because its irrelevant. Or maybe not, we'll see.

It sounds like you want/need her to give you feedback on your social interactions, but are extremely upset by any negative feedback or advice. You need a solo therapist to deal with the social anxiety and not to make it her job. I agree with upthread PP that none of this sounds like she doesn't like you, it sounds like you're ruminating on what you perceive as criticism and making it personal. Which makes perfect sense given the extreme social anxiety you're describing, but it's not her fault.

It’s just as possible that the quirks she found adorable in the early days of their relationship have become embarrassing for her as a social adult with perhaps her own social hangups. It’s also possible that her innate negativity or cynicism has gotten worse with older age. There can be many different things going on at the same time, and perhaps both have some work to do on themselves.

OP, kindly, have you considered an assessment for anxiety and ADHD, or perhaps another type of neurodiversity? Some of what you describe sounds like a combination of nerves and ADHD which can be greatly alleviated with medication. It might be worth exploring. If you suspect your wife’s negative comments stem from sadness, perhaps encourage her to pursue individual therapy and perhaps a screening for depression as well, if there is a way to express that to her so she understands it’s a caring suggestion and not a negative comment…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really think she means well. But she places much higher value on social capital. She says for the kids and for their own rise in the social standings, which I get. But I still lean more toward teaching them to lean on a crutch like simply writing down the lyrics to a song to help calm down like I did in JHS.

There is a balance where these crutches are rude and socially awkward and that can be the problem. I counter with you have to measure that with the environment and the expectation and outcome. If solving a Rubik's cube helps me before a family function, then what's the harm? And its a novelty. If he's going to just sit in the corner and solve and not be social then that's a problem.

I try and be social, but I make dumb mistakes and instead of cursing or getting angry or wanting to leave, I'll try to get something to help me relax my anxiety, but she thinks these things are rude.

I think the balance is that I'm saying that any pulling out of my phone is not allowed (by her) and she's saying that all I'm going to do is is sit in the corner on my phone / doing puzzles / writing / whatever.

I am not observant of my own behavior, I only know my emotions and how nervous I am in these settings. So when she points out that I was rude it stings because I'm reminded of how nervous I was and she ignores that and I try to remind her but she ignores that because its irrelevant. Or maybe not, we'll see.

It sounds like you want/need her to give you feedback on your social interactions, but are extremely upset by any negative feedback or advice. You need a solo therapist to deal with the social anxiety and not to make it her job. I agree with upthread PP that none of this sounds like she doesn't like you, it sounds like you're ruminating on what you perceive as criticism and making it personal. Which makes perfect sense given the extreme social anxiety you're describing, but it's not her fault.

It’s just as possible that the quirks she found adorable in the early days of their relationship have become embarrassing for her as a social adult with perhaps her own social hangups. It’s also possible that her innate negativity or cynicism has gotten worse with older age. There can be many different things going on at the same time, and perhaps both have some work to do on themselves.

OP, kindly, have you considered an assessment for anxiety and ADHD, or perhaps another type of neurodiversity? Some of what you describe sounds like a combination of nerves and ADHD which can be greatly alleviated with medication. It might be worth exploring. If you suspect your wife’s negative comments stem from sadness, perhaps encourage her to pursue individual therapy and perhaps a screening for depression as well, if there is a way to express that to her so she understands it’s a caring suggestion and not a negative comment…

He's the one who said she's well-intentioned, not innately negative or cynical. Or perhaps the quirks were fine until he started coaching the kids to sit in a corner and write down song lyrics ("use a crutch" as he calls it), instead of learning how to navigate social situations. This guy trickle truthed the situation to make everyone hate his wife, but what he's describing doesn't sound remotely typical or like his wife dislikes him. It sounds like she's trying to help him, and likely also help their kids with his same possibly undiagnosed struggles, and he's taking it as an attack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a real question and I don't want an answer. But I am a socially awkward guy who is successful. By no means do I think I'm perfect, but I would love to come in from work one day and hear that I did something well. Does that ever happen to men?

I come home and try to spend time with her but she always tells me she doesn't want to hear about our direct care about my interests whether that be books or TV shows or games, parenting whatever. No-go.

Instead, she'll point out things I do wrong that I guess embarrass her and focus on that, telling me how to improve. But then I improve and create another dependency and the cycle repeats.

It's frustrating because I feel like she married this nerdy dude and she knew he was nerdy. Now she's trying to change me for social acceptance, and meanwhile nerdy me feels isolated.

What does this mean?

She says "you bring your Rubik's cube too often to parties"
I'll get a notebook and bring it to the party. I'm social but at dull moments I'll write in it, just thoughts, maybe a question, maybe song lyrics
So later I'll see her and she criticizes the notepad.
Fast forward and I have something else. But these fidget things help with social anxiety and she seems to be against them. Maybe more some than others, but why does she get to be the social police for me.

Parties are to socialize with other human beings. How can you do that if you are alone writing in your notebook or playing with your Rubik's cube those acts mean you don't want to be bothered and single to others you want to stay to yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a real question and I don't want an answer. But I am a socially awkward guy who is successful. By no means do I think I'm perfect, but I would love to come in from work one day and hear that I did something well. Does that ever happen to men?

I come home and try to spend time with her but she always tells me she doesn't want to hear about our direct care about my interests whether that be books or TV shows or games, parenting whatever. No-go.

Instead, she'll point out things I do wrong that I guess embarrass her and focus on that, telling me how to improve. But then I improve and create another dependency and the cycle repeats.

It's frustrating because I feel like she married this nerdy dude and she knew he was nerdy. Now she's trying to change me for social acceptance, and meanwhile nerdy me feels isolated.

What does this mean?

She says "you bring your Rubik's cube too often to parties"
I'll get a notebook and bring it to the party. I'm social but at dull moments I'll write in it, just thoughts, maybe a question, maybe song lyrics
So later I'll see her and she criticizes the notepad.
Fast forward and I have something else. But these fidget things help with social anxiety and she seems to be against them. Maybe more some than others, but why does she get to be the social police for me.

Parties are to socialize with other human beings. How can you do that if you are alone writing in your notebook or playing with your Rubik's cube those acts mean you don't want to be bothered and single to others you want to stay to yourself?

The problem is I'm awkward. I'm always going to be awkward. There's no button to press that will magically give me the right joke to say or the right inspirational speech to give. No I ask weird questions and tell weird stories, I embarrass myself quite often. I enjoy sitting and reading books. I have no problem talking about those books but sometimes I dive too deep into the fictional world that people get mad at my questions.

I went to a social gathering last week where we heard a few stories. In my head I had about a dozen questions a minute go through my head that sometimes jokes, sometimes legit questions but maybe offensive, and sometimes legit questions but questions that I can ask. The other thing. I can't disguise my face. So when I have a question that I don't want to ask, I may say "no" to myself or frown or shake my head. But that's not socially appropriate. So I sat there and fidgeted with my phone and played it off, but this is not socially appropriate either.

I don't stay to myself. I go to be by myself to re-group. Its like taking a pit stop on a run, except for me a bottle of water is a Rubik's cube. Going back to that conversation after solving the puzzle, my mind is a lot calmer. Its not throwing out as many questions, as it is partially thinking about the solution to the cube. As a result I'm normally able to participate in these conversations easier and make less of a fool of myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a real question and I don't want an answer. But I am a socially awkward guy who is successful. By no means do I think I'm perfect, but I would love to come in from work one day and hear that I did something well. Does that ever happen to men?

I come home and try to spend time with her but she always tells me she doesn't want to hear about our direct care about my interests whether that be books or TV shows or games, parenting whatever. No-go.

Instead, she'll point out things I do wrong that I guess embarrass her and focus on that, telling me how to improve. But then I improve and create another dependency and the cycle repeats.

It's frustrating because I feel like she married this nerdy dude and she knew he was nerdy. Now she's trying to change me for social acceptance, and meanwhile nerdy me feels isolated.

What does this mean?

She says "you bring your Rubik's cube too often to parties"
I'll get a notebook and bring it to the party. I'm social but at dull moments I'll write in it, just thoughts, maybe a question, maybe song lyrics
So later I'll see her and she criticizes the notepad.
Fast forward and I have something else. But these fidget things help with social anxiety and she seems to be against them. Maybe more some than others, but why does she get to be the social police for me.

Parties are to socialize with other human beings. How can you do that if you are alone writing in your notebook or playing with your Rubik's cube those acts mean you don't want to be bothered and single to others you want to stay to yourself?

The problem is I'm awkward. I'm always going to be awkward. There's no button to press that will magically give me the right joke to say or the right inspirational speech to give. No I ask weird questions and tell weird stories, I embarrass myself quite often. I enjoy sitting and reading books. I have no problem talking about those books but sometimes I dive too deep into the fictional world that people get mad at my questions.

I went to a social gathering last week where we heard a few stories. In my head I had about a dozen questions a minute go through my head that sometimes jokes, sometimes legit questions but maybe offensive, and sometimes legit questions but questions that I can ask. The other thing. I can't disguise my face. So when I have a question that I don't want to ask, I may say "no" to myself or frown or shake my head. But that's not socially appropriate. So I sat there and fidgeted with my phone and played it off, but this is not socially appropriate either.

I don't stay to myself. I go to be by myself to re-group. Its like taking a pit stop on a run, except for me a bottle of water is a Rubik's cube. Going back to that conversation after solving the puzzle, my mind is a lot calmer. Its not throwing out as many questions, as it is partially thinking about the solution to the cube. As a result I'm normally able to participate in these conversations easier and make less of a fool of myself.

[edited] The problem is I'm awkward. I'm always going to be awkward. There's no button to press that will magically give me the right joke to say or the right inspirational speech to give. No, I ask weird questions and tell weird stories. I embarrass myself quite often. I enjoy sitting and reading books. I have no problem talking about those books, but sometimes, I dive too deep into the fictional world, that people get mad at my questions.

I went to a social gathering last week where we heard a few stories [from other people]. In my head I had about a dozen questions a minute go through my head that sometimes [were] jokes, sometimes [were] legit questions but maybe offensive, and sometimes [were] legit questions but questions that I can ask. The other thing [is] I can't disguise my face. So when I have a question that I don't want to ask, I may say "no" to myself or frown or shake my head. But that's not socially appropriate. So I sat there and fidgeted with my phone and played it off, but this is not socially appropriate either.

[So] I don't stay to myself. I go to be by myself to re-group. Its like taking a pit stop on a run, except for me a bottle of water is a Rubik's cube. Going back to that conversation after solving the puzzle, my mind is a lot calmer. Its not throwing out as many questions, as it is partially thinking about the solution to the cube. As a result I'm normally able to participate in these conversations easier and make less of a fool of myself.

[Anonymous]

Does she work? How old are the kids?

Frankly, she sounds kind of burnt out to me. Like she just doesn’t have the bandwidth to deal with whatever is going on with you. I don’t know if she’s always like that or if it’s just the time of day that you interact with her.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried the normal stuff, OP?

Do more housework and childcare (or hire it out). Take her out on dates. Write her a love poem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds horrible. I'd get a divorce. What give her the right to criticize you, is she a 10 or a tremendous achiever?

I don't want a divorce. I want the woman I married back. I feel like a child typing that.

Sometimes women who feel they have settled become mean. Marriage means long years of misery for many women, but everyone has that one friend who truly loves and is satisfied with her partner. The desire to be that fortunate friend, rather than just envy her, diminishes very slowly.

[Anonymous]

OP, perhaps you answered this question but are you non-neurotypical? Are you on the autism spectrum?