Why doesn't my wife like me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You deserve better. Lots of nerdy girls out there. Or just kind ones.

One does wonder why he didn’t marry one in the first place. Maybe for “social acceptance”?

+1.

How did you choose this woman, OP?

It's important to start there so that you don't judge her too harshly. Then you can build from there and figure out how both of you can grow together.

Yes, this includes you changing some to meet her in the middle.

[Anonymous]

This is the crux of many an unhappy marriage.

Both partners need to accept each other . . . this wonderful, yet imperfect, person is the one I chose to marry. I can focus on their foibles and shortcomings all day, but that just makes me miserable. You need to focus on each other's strengths and successes. Occasionally you will need to bring up things that you really wish you could change/compromise on, but that should be done in a spirit of "I know you're doing your best and probably don't notice this like I do, but it really bothers me so I'd love to come up with a better system for it."

Resentment kills marriages. It's fair to ask your wife, "Do you even LIKE me?" or say, "Of course there are things we all wish were different, but I'm the guy you married and I'm doing my best. If you're going to treat me like some burden or incompetent idiot, why would either of us want to stay in this marriage?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time for a heart-to-heart. Have you told her how you feel?

We are having the discussions and this is where it gets tricky. I bring up an issue but instead of dealing with issue 1, she brings up issue 2 and now the entire meeting is about issue 2.

So let's say it's about her ignoring me. I bring it up, then she brings up me going on Facebook. And before I can respond she's got like 6 different instances of when this has occurred and I'm trying to remember instance 2. So the conversations never go like I want them to. And they never get back to my points.

I feel isolated though. I don't know if she realizes what she's doing is cutting at my self conscious to so call build my social confidence. Like I was really having thoughts this morning of "quitting" the kind of work that I do. I don't know what that means though because would I really quit, or would I stop doing research, would I look for an admin or financial job?

So much of who I am is based on this personality and the fact that I was thinking of quitting is what made me write this today. I needed somebody to talk with and like I said my wife is good at turning it around and making me the villain (not saying I'm not) but I just wanted to vent today

Ah yeah, this is off limits. My husband used to do this too. He's conflict-avoidant, so he would store up all his resentments until I brought up my thing, and suddenly he'd unleash his list of 10 things instead of talking about my one thing. I just pointed out that that's what he was doing and told him he needed to learn to bring up his things when they bothered him. Dumping them all on me in a torrent of, "Oh you're upset with me? Well here are a million things I'm upset about!" is never going to make a marriage better. He's been in individual therapy for many years now and has learned to have better insight into himself, communication skills, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a real question and I don't want an answer. But I am a socially awkward guy who is successful. By no means do I think I'm perfect, but I would love to come in from work one day and hear that I did something well. Does that ever happen to men?

I come home and try to spend time with her but she always tells me she doesn't want to hear about our direct care about my interests whether that be books or TV shows or games, parenting whatever. No-go.

Instead, she'll point out things I do wrong that I guess embarrass her and focus on that, telling me how to improve. But then I improve and create another dependency and the cycle repeats.

It's frustrating because I feel like she married this nerdy dude and she knew he was nerdy. Now she's trying to change me for social acceptance, and meanwhile nerdy me feels isolated.

What does this mean?

She says "you bring your Rubik's cube too often to parties"
I'll get a notebook and bring it to the party. I'm social but at dull moments I'll write in it, just thoughts, maybe a question, maybe song lyrics
So later I'll see her and she criticizes the notepad.
Fast forward and I have something else. But these fidget things help with social anxiety and she seems to be against them. Maybe more some than others, but why does she get to be the social police for me.

This does not sound like she doesn't like you.
She nags too much.

Talk to her and tell her to please let some of your quirkiness go. Tell her you understand how she feels and you will continue trying to meet her in the middle. But tell her to lay off a little because it seems like too much criticism and it brings you down.

I have some issues with my husband on regards to him being too introverted. But I love the man more than I could ever express. He loves me too so he sees a therapist every week for some of the anxiety. I don't criticize and he stays home a lot. When I cannot compromise, I let him know: " I really need you to be at such and such" event and he shows up. I don't abuse it.

You and your wife have communication issues. You need to really listen to each other. Only then can both of you compromise. Counseling might help.

[Anonymous]

I’m coming in with a different perspective. Because my DH could easily have written your post.

When I complain about something, it gets magnified 10x in DHs mind, and when I compliment something or show appreciation, he barely notices. It starts a cycle where I feel like I have to SHOUT my complaints just to feel heard, and I stop complimenting because the compliments don’t register.

We’ve had a lot of therapy and things are improving. DH has learned that if I complain about XYZ, I’m not rejecting who he is as a person. And I’ve learned to be direct and clear about my complaints and then move on.

I recommend a book called “This is how your marriage ends”.

You can break this cycle and get back to where you were OP. It just takes some work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds horrible. I'd get a divorce. What give her the right to criticize you, is she a 10 or a tremendous achiever?

I don't want a divorce. I want the woman I married back. I feel like a child typing that.

But she's not that woman anymore. I get it; my ex was not the man I married. It took me a long time to get over our split. But once I realized, he was no longer that person, I was able to approach things with a different perspective. I was able to begin the process of healing and growth.

Good luck. Have you tried counseling yet?

[Anonymous]

She is deeply insecure and has extreme anxiety found someone who will tolerate her BS. The more she focuses on your shortcomings the less she has to acknowledge hers.

That’s it. Nothing more nothing less.

[Anonymous]

Has Bible reading always been a big thing for her? If so, then it's probably not a clue to anything about your relationship. But, if it is a hobby she developed sometime after you got married, you might look to see if there were any major life changes for her individually or you two as a couple when she started that.

Like did she fall into a group of other people who are big Bible readers at that point in time? She could be adopting their values. Maybe she picked up when your kid hit the age she was when she experienced some sort of trauma -- that could create a need for a coping mechanism such as religion.

I'm obviously just spitballing here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a real question and I don't want an answer. But I am a socially awkward guy who is successful. By no means do I think I'm perfect, but I would love to come in from work one day and hear that I did something well. Does that ever happen to men?

I come home and try to spend time with her but she always tells me she doesn't want to hear about our direct care about my interests whether that be books or TV shows or games, parenting whatever. No-go.

Instead, she'll point out things I do wrong that I guess embarrass her and focus on that, telling me how to improve. But then I improve and create another dependency and the cycle repeats.

It's frustrating because I feel like she married this nerdy dude and she knew he was nerdy. Now she's trying to change me for social acceptance, and meanwhile nerdy me feels isolated.

You come home from work and want her to tell you that you did something well. Are you coming home with dinner? Did you run to the store for her during your lunch break?
I mean, typically when you get home from work, she hasn’t actually seen you do anything yet, so it’s not surprising that she isn’t telling you what you did well.
Also, that 5:30 time that you get home from work is usually a super busy, stressful time. She’s getting dinner on the table, wrangling hungry kids, etc. It’s not a time to discuss the novel you are reading.

Today, when you get home from work, jump in and engage in real, practical help with whatever she is doing. If she is cooking and there is an onion waiting to be chopped, then chop the onion. If the kids are upset about something, see what’s going on with them. Then, later, during dinner or when the kids are winding down or in bed, you talk about your day or the book you are reading.

[Anonymous]

Your post sounds really sad OP. Have you tried writing notes to each other to better express how you feel? Maybe try with a game of writing one thing you like about each other and take it from there. It sounds like you might be an introvert and she is an extrovert and you do not speak the same language. Good luck.

How old are you?

[Anonymous]

As my mother got older, she got more religious, and not in a good way. She became less and less of the person she used to be and a much more unpleasant fanatic, more judgmental, all the fun things about her went away. Could this be happening with your wife op?

[Anonymous]

I really think she means well. But she places much higher value on social capital. She says for the kids and for their own rise in the social standings, which I get. But I still lean more toward teaching them to lean on a crutch like simply writing down the lyrics to a song to help calm down like I did in JHS.

There is a balance where these crutches are rude and socially awkward and that can be the problem. I counter with you have to measure that with the environment and the expectation and outcome. If solving a Rubik's cube helps me before a family function, then what's the harm? And its a novelty. If he's going to just sit in the corner and solve and not be social then that's a problem.

I try and be social, but I make dumb mistakes and instead of cursing or getting angry or wanting to leave, I'll try to get something to help me relax my anxiety, but she thinks these things are rude.

I think the balance is that I'm saying that any pulling out of my phone is not allowed (by her) and she's saying that all I'm going to do is is sit in the corner on my phone / doing puzzles / writing / whatever.

I am not observant of my own behavior, I only know my emotions and how nervous I am in these settings. So when she points out that I was rude it stings because I'm reminded of how nervous I was and she ignores that and I try to remind her but she ignores that because its irrelevant. Or maybe not, we'll see.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you’re just really not understanding each other on a very fundamental level right now. It sounds like you need marriage counseling to get to the bottom of why that is.

Have you ever done therapy for your social anxiety? I also suffer from social anxiety and get how stressful it can be. I’m fairly good at masking it, but there are definitely some types of situations where I still stumble. There have been times when DH has pointed out something awkward or “off” that I did as a result of being anxious. I’ve let him know that it really hurts my feelings when he points those out, especially flippantly, because I’m trying as hard as I can. But I also feel that it’s on me to deal with that issue and minimize its effects.

[Anonymous]

Marriage counseling. Do it. If nothing improves, get a divorce. It’s not worth it to stay married if you’re both unhappy.

FWIW, I would find it very rude if someone brought things out at a party to entertain themselves and I am a nerd. All of my friends are nerds. We recognize a social setting means you have to socialize. She’s probably got a lot of built up resentment. It sounds like you just may be too different for each other, which is not a bad thing. Just be honest about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really think she means well. But she places much higher value on social capital. She says for the kids and for their own rise in the social standings, which I get. But I still lean more toward teaching them to lean on a crutch like simply writing down the lyrics to a song to help calm down like I did in JHS.

There is a balance where these crutches are rude and socially awkward and that can be the problem. I counter with you have to measure that with the environment and the expectation and outcome. If solving a Rubik's cube helps me before a family function, then what's the harm? And its a novelty. If he's going to just sit in the corner and solve and not be social then that's a problem.

I try and be social, but I make dumb mistakes and instead of cursing or getting angry or wanting to leave, I'll try to get something to help me relax my anxiety, but she thinks these things are rude.

I think the balance is that I'm saying that any pulling out of my phone is not allowed (by her) and she's saying that all I'm going to do is is sit in the corner on my phone / doing puzzles / writing / whatever.

I am not observant of my own behavior, I only know my emotions and how nervous I am in these settings. So when she points out that I was rude it stings because I'm reminded of how nervous I was and she ignores that and I try to remind her but she ignores that because its irrelevant. Or maybe not, we'll see.

It sounds like you want/need her to give you feedback on your social interactions, but are extremely upset by any negative feedback or advice. You need a solo therapist to deal with the social anxiety and not to make it her job. I agree with upthread PP that none of this sounds like she doesn't like you, it sounds like you're ruminating on what you perceive as criticism and making it personal. Which makes perfect sense given the extreme social anxiety you're describing, but it's not her fault.