Why doesn't my wife like me?

[Anonymous]

^ As much as she is responsible for marrying you with your quirks, you are also responsible for marrying a typical person dreaming that they will be intrigued by your quirks. You should have married an equally quirky person if you wanted that level of understanding.

She should have too.

Now both of you have to compromise l: you go way less often than you do now, but when you get there, no toys. If you need help to get there, get help, see a therapist.

Or get a divorce...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get any of this. Where are you that a married couple with kids whose hobbies include sudoku and reading the Bible are going to all of these parties? I think my husband and I are a pretty normal couple, and we go to like five parties a year.
Also, what is it that your wife is mad about? Why doesn’t she want to talk to you? Or is this all projection, and really you are mad at her for taking away your toys at a party six months ago? That would kind of jive with you making up and playing this word game in front of her when you know she doesn’t like it.
Or did something else happen that she is mad at you about, and you aren’t sharing what it is?

Also, why aren’t you doing normal things to woo her? Like taking her on dates or buying her flowers or telling her that she’s beautiful? Why are you doing odd things like reading the Old Testament? I mean, maybe that might work for 1 in 10,000 women. Instead of hoping your wife is the outlier, why not try the stuff that works for 90% of women?

This made me laugh harder than it should have.

Gee, we throw at least 5-10 parties a year. It was lifesaving to some parts of our social circles during the pandemic (when we’d throw them in our very large back yard so people could social distance and what not). People need to throw more parties. Even smaller ones.

You are the outlier. Lol.

We are indeed. 😂 and some years it gets exhausting. But we find it’s almost like a community service. It’s benefited so many. 🤷‍♀️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get any of this. Where are you that a married couple with kids whose hobbies include sudoku and reading the Bible are going to all of these parties? I think my husband and I are a pretty normal couple, and we go to like five parties a year.
Also, what is it that your wife is mad about? Why doesn’t she want to talk to you? Or is this all projection, and really you are mad at her for taking away your toys at a party six months ago? That would kind of jive with you making up and playing this word game in front of her when you know she doesn’t like it.
Or did something else happen that she is mad at you about, and you aren’t sharing what it is?

Also, why aren’t you doing normal things to woo her? Like taking her on dates or buying her flowers or telling her that she’s beautiful? Why are you doing odd things like reading the Old Testament? I mean, maybe that might work for 1 in 10,000 women. Instead of hoping your wife is the outlier, why not try the stuff that works for 90% of women?

This made me laugh harder than it should have.

Gee, we throw at least 5-10 parties a year. It was lifesaving to some parts of our social circles during the pandemic (when we’d throw them in our very large back yard so people could social distance and what not). People need to throw more parties. Even smaller ones.

You are the outlier. Lol.

We are indeed. 😂 and some years it gets exhausting. But we find it’s almost like a community service. It’s benefited so many. 🤷‍♀️

It is a community service, my dear!

My you ger sister and one of my aunts perform this service in our family.

They are very much appreciated!

[Anonymous]

Dirty little secret: once you get into your late 40s, nobody’s wife likes them anymore. Some are just better at concealing this reality than others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dirty little secret: once you get into your late 40s, nobody’s wife likes them anymore. Some are just better at concealing this reality than others.

Oh! SO not true! I love my DH just as much as ever. Dad bod and all. I’m no raving beauty anymore myself and have my own issues. I got the jackpot in the marriage department.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get any of this. Where are you that a married couple with kids whose hobbies include sudoku and reading the Bible are going to all of these parties? I think my husband and I are a pretty normal couple, and we go to like five parties a year.
Also, what is it that your wife is mad about? Why doesn’t she want to talk to you? Or is this all projection, and really you are mad at her for taking away your toys at a party six months ago? That would kind of jive with you making up and playing this word game in front of her when you know she doesn’t like it.
Or did something else happen that she is mad at you about, and you aren’t sharing what it is?

Also, why aren’t you doing normal things to woo her? Like taking her on dates or buying her flowers or telling her that she’s beautiful? Why are you doing odd things like reading the Old Testament? I mean, maybe that might work for 1 in 10,000 women. Instead of hoping your wife is the outlier, why not try the stuff that works for 90% of women?

This made me laugh harder than it should have.

Gee, we throw at least 5-10 parties a year. It was lifesaving to some parts of our social circles during the pandemic (when we’d throw them in our very large back yard so people could social distance and what not). People need to throw more parties. Even smaller ones.

You are the outlier. Lol.

We are indeed. 😂 and some years it gets exhausting. But we find it’s almost like a community service. It’s benefited so many. 🤷‍♀️

It is a community service, my dear!

My you ger sister and one of my aunts perform this service in our family.

They are very much appreciated!

Thanks! You can come to our parties any time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get any of this. Where are you that a married couple with kids whose hobbies include sudoku and reading the Bible are going to all of these parties? I think my husband and I are a pretty normal couple, and we go to like five parties a year.
Also, what is it that your wife is mad about? Why doesn’t she want to talk to you? Or is this all projection, and really you are mad at her for taking away your toys at a party six months ago? That would kind of jive with you making up and playing this word game in front of her when you know she doesn’t like it.
Or did something else happen that she is mad at you about, and you aren’t sharing what it is?

Also, why aren’t you doing normal things to woo her? Like taking her on dates or buying her flowers or telling her that she’s beautiful? Why are you doing odd things like reading the Old Testament? I mean, maybe that might work for 1 in 10,000 women. Instead of hoping your wife is the outlier, why not try the stuff that works for 90% of women?

This made me laugh harder than it should have.

Gee, we throw at least 5-10 parties a year. It was lifesaving to some parts of our social circles during the pandemic (when we’d throw them in our very large back yard so people could social distance and what not). People need to throw more parties. Even smaller ones.

You are the outlier. Lol.

We are indeed. 😂 and some years it gets exhausting. But we find it’s almost like a community service. It’s benefited so many. 🤷‍♀️

It is a community service, my dear!

My you ger sister and one of my aunts perform this service in our family.

They are very much appreciated!

Thanks! You can come to our parties any time!

Merci!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really think she means well. But she places much higher value on social capital. She says for the kids and for their own rise in the social standings, which I get. But I still lean more toward teaching them to lean on a crutch like simply writing down the lyrics to a song to help calm down like I did in JHS.

There is a balance where these crutches are rude and socially awkward and that can be the problem. I counter with you have to measure that with the environment and the expectation and outcome. If solving a Rubik's cube helps me before a family function, then what's the harm? And its a novelty. If he's going to just sit in the corner and solve and not be social then that's a problem.

I try and be social, but I make dumb mistakes and instead of cursing or getting angry or wanting to leave, I'll try to get something to help me relax my anxiety, but she thinks these things are rude.

I think the balance is that I'm saying that any pulling out of my phone is not allowed (by her) and she's saying that all I'm going to do is is sit in the corner on my phone / doing puzzles / writing / whatever.

I am not observant of my own behavior, I only know my emotions and how nervous I am in these settings. So when she points out that I was rude it stings because I'm reminded of how nervous I was and she ignores that and I try to remind her but she ignores that because its irrelevant. Or maybe not, we'll see.

It sounds like you want/need her to give you feedback on your social interactions, but are extremely upset by any negative feedback or advice. You need a solo therapist to deal with the social anxiety and not to make it her job. I agree with upthread PP that none of this sounds like she doesn't like you, it sounds like you're ruminating on what you perceive as criticism and making it personal. Which makes perfect sense given the extreme social anxiety you're describing, but it's not her fault.

It’s just as possible that the quirks she found adorable in the early days of their relationship have become embarrassing for her as a social adult with perhaps her own social hangups. It’s also possible that her innate negativity or cynicism has gotten worse with older age. There can be many different things going on at the same time, and perhaps both have some work to do on themselves.

OP, kindly, have you considered an assessment for anxiety and ADHD, or perhaps another type of neurodiversity? Some of what you describe sounds like a combination of nerves and ADHD which can be greatly alleviated with medication. It might be worth exploring. If you suspect your wife’s negative comments stem from sadness, perhaps encourage her to pursue individual therapy and perhaps a screening for depression as well, if there is a way to express that to her so she understands it’s a caring suggestion and not a negative comment…

Came here to say exactly this. I feel like this about DH (different issues than OP). I knew about some of it going into our relationship but what's cute or funny in your 20s with a group of friends is different as 40yo adults meeting neighbors, colleagues, parents of kid's friends etc. Just being sort of appealing and mainstream feels more important even if that's a narrow-minded way of looking at things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing I’ve personally noticed is that neurodivergent people tend to learn to mask very well when they’re young and especially when they’re in school. As they age, they are simply less interested in masking. Social acceptance is less important to them, and personal comfort is more important. Also, they often just become more comfortable with themselves/more accepting of themselves. I think that is all very good for their mental health! But probably very hard for the spouses who married someone who was behaving very, very differently before.

This is such a great point. I think being very busy and tired with kids and work etc also makes people have less energy and interest in masking. Which is fine. But also something a spouse needs to come to terms with -- their spouse is changing (as all do).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I’ve personally noticed is that neurodivergent people tend to learn to mask very well when they’re young and especially when they’re in school. As they age, they are simply less interested in masking. Social acceptance is less important to them, and personal comfort is more important. Also, they often just become more comfortable with themselves/more accepting of themselves. I think that is all very good for their mental health! But probably very hard for the spouses who married someone who was behaving very, very differently before.

This is such a great point. I think being very busy and tired with kids and work etc also makes people have less energy and interest in masking. Which is fine. But also something a spouse needs to come to terms with -- their spouse is changing (as all do).

The difference is a married “adult” with a house, children, dual income parents, two+ sets of elderly parents has way more responsibilities and executive functioning demands than a teen in school or a bachelor working.

Thus UNTREATED adhd and/or asd can be devastating in actual adulthood, even if one made it through high school and college. One cannot just shut down and watch Netflix or ignore the kids or let the house and yard go into to disrepair, or dump everything on the other spouse.

Get therapy to improve habits, get meds to improve focus (often these types are self-medicating via tons of coffee and Coca cola all day), get an executive functioning coach to guide new adult systems and processes given said work and family demands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I’ve personally noticed is that neurodivergent people tend to learn to mask very well when they’re young and especially when they’re in school. As they age, they are simply less interested in masking. Social acceptance is less important to them, and personal comfort is more important. Also, they often just become more comfortable with themselves/more accepting of themselves. I think that is all very good for their mental health! But probably very hard for the spouses who married someone who was behaving very, very differently before.

This is such a great point. I think being very busy and tired with kids and work etc also makes people have less energy and interest in masking. Which is fine. But also something a spouse needs to come to terms with -- their spouse is changing (as all do).

Which spouse is changing? Where’s the line in what to come to terms with in a life partner?

Sounds like one spouse cannot adapt and grow into life with kids to raise.

Raising kids is 24/7 even with a nanny and grandparents around. It’s not a Sunday only thing. Don’t have kids if that’s all you can handle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ As much as she is responsible for marrying you with your quirks, you are also responsible for marrying a typical person dreaming that they will be intrigued by your quirks. You should have married an equally quirky person if you wanted that level of understanding.

She should have too.

Now both of you have to compromise l: you go way less often than you do now, but when you get there, no toys. If you need help to get there, get help, see a therapist.

Or get a divorce...

Agree w all of the above.

If you’ve ended up in an NT/AS relationship do the work to both meet in the middle. It will be work for you Op. get help.

Alternatively be alone or do AS/AS where both sides don’t care about most things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I’ve personally noticed is that neurodivergent people tend to learn to mask very well when they’re young and especially when they’re in school. As they age, they are simply less interested in masking. Social acceptance is less important to them, and personal comfort is more important. Also, they often just become more comfortable with themselves/more accepting of themselves. I think that is all very good for their mental health! But probably very hard for the spouses who married someone who was behaving very, very differently before.

This is such a great point. I think being very busy and tired with kids and work etc also makes people have less energy and interest in masking. Which is fine. But also something a spouse needs to come to terms with -- their spouse is changing (as all do).

Keeping your Normal Caring Dude mask up for outsiders and dropping it like a hot potato for your spouse and kids is definitely not fine. It damages relationships beyond repair.

[Anonymous]

I think my husband feels this way...that I don't like him. But, he doesn't listen and he's often guessing. I like him but relationships require work, and he's not willing to communicate well. So I go around with low boil resentment a lot, because I don't want to rock the boat. If I were you, I'd sit down and say you want to work on things, and know you aren't perfect. That she doesn't need an answer right that second, but that you want to listen to her concerns. Then actually listen.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why it's a guy thing to always seek a pat on the back and being told how awesome they are.

Women never ask for such things.