Why doesn't my wife like me?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is not a real question and I don't want an answer. But I am a socially awkward guy who is successful. By no means do I think I'm perfect, but I would love to come in from work one day and hear that I did something well. Does that ever happen to men?

I come home and try to spend time with her but she always tells me she doesn't want to hear about our direct care about my interests whether that be books or TV shows or games, parenting whatever. No-go.

Instead, she'll point out things I do wrong that I guess embarrass her and focus on that, telling me how to improve. But then I improve and create another dependency and the cycle repeats.

It's frustrating because I feel like she married this nerdy dude and she knew he was nerdy. Now she's trying to change me for social acceptance, and meanwhile nerdy me feels isolated.

What does this mean?

She says "you bring your Rubik's cube too often to parties"
I'll get a notebook and bring it to the party. I'm social but at dull moments I'll write in it, just thoughts, maybe a question, maybe song lyrics
So later I'll see her and she criticizes the notepad.
Fast forward and I have something else. But these fidget things help with social anxiety and she seems to be against them. Maybe more some than others, but why does she get to be the social police for me.

Parties are to socialize with other human beings. How can you do that if you are alone writing in your notebook or playing with your Rubik's cube those acts mean you don't want to be bothered and single to others you want to stay to yourself?

The problem is I'm awkward. I'm always going to be awkward. There's no button to press that will magically give me the right joke to say or the right inspirational speech to give. No I ask weird questions and tell weird stories, I embarrass myself quite often. I enjoy sitting and reading books. I have no problem talking about those books but sometimes I dive too deep into the fictional world that people get mad at my questions.

I went to a social gathering last week where we heard a few stories. In my head I had about a dozen questions a minute go through my head that sometimes jokes, sometimes legit questions but maybe offensive, and sometimes legit questions but questions that I can ask. The other thing. I can't disguise my face. So when I have a question that I don't want to ask, I may say "no" to myself or frown or shake my head. But that's not socially appropriate. So I sat there and fidgeted with my phone and played it off, but this is not socially appropriate either.

I don't stay to myself. I go to be by myself to re-group. Its like taking a pit stop on a run, except for me a bottle of water is a Rubik's cube. Going back to that conversation after solving the puzzle, my mind is a lot calmer. Its not throwing out as many questions, as it is partially thinking about the solution to the cube. As a result I'm normally able to participate in these conversations easier and make less of a fool of myself.

[edited] The problem is I'm awkward. I'm always going to be awkward. There's no button to press that will magically give me the right joke to say or the right inspirational speech to give. No, I ask weird questions and tell weird stories. I embarrass myself quite often. I enjoy sitting and reading books. I have no problem talking about those books, but sometimes, I dive too deep into the fictional world, that people get mad at my questions.

I went to a social gathering last week where we heard a few stories [from other people]. In my head I had about a dozen questions a minute go through my head that sometimes [were] jokes, sometimes [were] legit questions but maybe offensive, and sometimes [were] legit questions but questions that I can ask. The other thing [is] I can't disguise my face. So when I have a question that I don't want to ask, I may say "no" to myself or frown or shake my head. But that's not socially appropriate. So I sat there and fidgeted with my phone and played it off, but this is not socially appropriate either.

[So] I don't stay to myself. I go to be by myself to re-group. Its like taking a pit stop on a run, except for me a bottle of water is a Rubik's cube. Going back to that conversation after solving the puzzle, my mind is a lot calmer. Its not throwing out as many questions, as it is partially thinking about the solution to the cube. As a result I'm normally able to participate in these conversations easier and make less of a fool of myself.

It sounds to me like you really expect her to understand you on a very deep level, but you don’t really reciprocate. You want her to understand your anxiety and your crutches and why you use them. But all you can really tell us about your wife is that she means well, wants the best for her kids, likes to play word games, and likes the Bible.
Marriage is supposed to be give and take. It might be your turn to do a little more of the giving here. You know, play Scrabble and don’t look distracted. Stop playing the word game you invented that you know she hates.
If you show her that you love her more in your day to day interactions, it will be easier for her to forgive your social quirks.

Maybe this is it, but I'd counter with the fact that when I try to ask questions and ask for stories about her life I'm met with silence. I can tell you some of her favorites (not here). I could sing her favorite songs. but does that help you get to know a person? When we dated she said she liked board games and card games but we've never played. I have scrabble, chess, cards, uno, but nothing. I promised to teach her to play chess and was excited when she asked but that was before this drama.

If you’re met with silence, ask why she doesn’t want to talk about it.
Also, if you have been married long enough to have multiple children, and she has never played board games or card games with you, then she doesn’t like to play. What do you actually observe her doing for fun when she has free time?

[Anonymous]

Can't tell if OP is a troll or just seriously immature. Either way, grow up. You don't bring a Rubik's cube to a party like an 8 year old who's bored with the adult conversation. And if you can't take the initiative to figure out what needs to be done around the house without asking your wife for instructions, I can see why your relationship is failing. I want my husband to be my equal, not my child or my household help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I’m PP who asked about ASD. It’s relevant, because it reflects your experience in the world, and your social interactions. Some of the behaviors you describe are in sync with ASD. It would NOT excuse your wife - her behavior sounds disrespectful and demeaning. It sounds like she is self-conscious and really focused on fitting in and “social capital”, which would make daily life with her very unpleasant.

You might be happier on your own.

He described it as social capital in the beginning, but every example he's given it's boiled down to "you might not realize how rude this looks to other people" which is not in any way a focus on social climbing on her part. Starting to write in a notebook as soon as your bored by the conversation at someone else's house is rude, not quirky. She's trying to teach her kids how to behave in the world and he's actively coaching them in a different direction (one that isn't even working for him, based on how anxious and unhappy he continues to be in social situations), which sounds pretty unpleasant itself.

[Anonymous]

Team wife. You sound super weird. That might have been cute and quirky when you were in your 20s pre kids. But as a grown adult she is likely seeking other adults to have as friends, so she has someone besides you to be friends with, and you embarrass her. So stop. Would it really be that hard to hold some light conversation when out with others for a couple hours? Without your journal, Rubix cube, or muttering to yourself?

PP - you appear dense. How is he stopping her from making friends outside of them as a couple? If the does not have the social skill to pull off making friends on her own, you cannot blame him for her problems.

Does he embarrass her when she is spending the money he earns? It is a question you missed asking. She knew who he was when they got married ("cute and quirky") and neither she nor you can blame him now for who he is.

Yes, it might be hard from him to have some light conversation for a couple of hours without a coping strategy. Your lack of empathic awareness makes you sound super weird

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I’m PP who asked about ASD. It’s relevant, because it reflects your experience in the world, and your social interactions. Some of the behaviors you describe are in sync with ASD. It would NOT excuse your wife - her behavior sounds disrespectful and demeaning. It sounds like she is self-conscious and really focused on fitting in and “social capital”, which would make daily life with her very unpleasant.

You might be happier on your own.

He described it as social capital in the beginning, but every example he's given it's boiled down to "you might not realize how rude this looks to other people" which is not in any way a focus on social climbing on her part. Starting to write in a notebook as soon as your bored by the conversation at someone else's house is rude, not quirky. She's trying to teach her kids how to behave in the world and he's actively coaching them in a different direction (one that isn't even working for him, based on how anxious and unhappy he continues to be in social situations), which sounds pretty unpleasant itself.

This is how you see it. Others go to a bar and grab some "liquid courage" before overcoming their social anxiety. Oh, that's not rude like doing a Rubik's cube or sudoku right? That's socially acceptable right? We allow for drunks but not mathematicians. That's the society we have prepared for our children. We want to tell our children that its better to go take a shot than to a puzzle.

No, I'm having the talk with my wife and I'm seeing the balancing act and the frustration of what you mention, but I'm also trying to walk a delicate balance because I see alcohol all around me. And weed and other drugs. And that's the city we're raising our kids in. I'm trying not to depend on this crutch as much and be more social, but the thing I need my wife to realize is that she can't take away the crutch from me. She can't magically walk to me like Jesus and say "you're healed". I have this anxiety. And until God takes it away from me I have to deal with it however God equips me.

Whether I step away from the table and go to my car for a moment next time, or run to the bathroom, or just step outside for a second, I'll deal with it in a better way than at the table. At the table is rude but dealing with my anxiety is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I’m PP who asked about ASD. It’s relevant, because it reflects your experience in the world, and your social interactions. Some of the behaviors you describe are in sync with ASD. It would NOT excuse your wife - her behavior sounds disrespectful and demeaning. It sounds like she is self-conscious and really focused on fitting in and “social capital”, which would make daily life with her very unpleasant.

You might be happier on your own.

He described it as social capital in the beginning, but every example he's given it's boiled down to "you might not realize how rude this looks to other people" which is not in any way a focus on social climbing on her part. Starting to write in a notebook as soon as your bored by the conversation at someone else's house is rude, not quirky. She's trying to teach her kids how to behave in the world and he's actively coaching them in a different direction (one that isn't even working for him, based on how anxious and unhappy he continues to be in social situations), which sounds pretty unpleasant itself.

This is how you see it. Others go to a bar and grab some "liquid courage" before overcoming their social anxiety. Oh, that's not rude like doing a Rubik's cube or sudoku right? That's socially acceptable right? We allow for drunks but not mathematicians. That's the society we have prepared for our children. We want to tell our children that its better to go take a shot than to a puzzle.

No, I'm having the talk with my wife and I'm seeing the balancing act and the frustration of what you mention, but I'm also trying to walk a delicate balance because I see alcohol all around me. And weed and other drugs. And that's the city we're raising our kids in. I'm trying not to depend on this crutch as much and be more social, but the thing I need my wife to realize is that she can't take away the crutch from me. She can't magically walk to me like Jesus and say "you're healed". I have this anxiety. And until God takes it away from me I have to deal with it however God equips me.

Whether I step away from the table and go to my car for a moment next time, or run to the bathroom, or just step outside for a second, I'll deal with it in a better way than at the table. At the table is rude but dealing with my anxiety is not.

Okay. Just don’t take your frustration about reality/your challenges out on your wife. It’s not her fault that society is what it is, and that you are how you are. (DP)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I’m PP who asked about ASD. It’s relevant, because it reflects your experience in the world, and your social interactions. Some of the behaviors you describe are in sync with ASD. It would NOT excuse your wife - her behavior sounds disrespectful and demeaning. It sounds like she is self-conscious and really focused on fitting in and “social capital”, which would make daily life with her very unpleasant.

You might be happier on your own.

He described it as social capital in the beginning, but every example he's given it's boiled down to "you might not realize how rude this looks to other people" which is not in any way a focus on social climbing on her part. Starting to write in a notebook as soon as your bored by the conversation at someone else's house is rude, not quirky. She's trying to teach her kids how to behave in the world and he's actively coaching them in a different direction (one that isn't even working for him, based on how anxious and unhappy he continues to be in social situations), which sounds pretty unpleasant itself.

This is how you see it. Others go to a bar and grab some "liquid courage" before overcoming their social anxiety. Oh, that's not rude like doing a Rubik's cube or sudoku right? That's socially acceptable right? We allow for drunks but not mathematicians. That's the society we have prepared for our children. We want to tell our children that its better to go take a shot than to a puzzle.

No, I'm having the talk with my wife and I'm seeing the balancing act and the frustration of what you mention, but I'm also trying to walk a delicate balance because I see alcohol all around me. And weed and other drugs. And that's the city we're raising our kids in. I'm trying not to depend on this crutch as much and be more social, but the thing I need my wife to realize is that she can't take away the crutch from me. She can't magically walk to me like Jesus and say "you're healed". I have this anxiety. And until God takes it away from me I have to deal with it however God equips me.

Whether I step away from the table and go to my car for a moment next time, or run to the bathroom, or just step outside for a second, I'll deal with it in a better way than at the table. At the table is rude but dealing with my anxiety is not.

How often are you two going to parties that this is really a big issue in your marriage? I seriously doubt that this is why your wife is angry with you. She is angry with you about something else, and it’s making this behavior more irritating.

[Anonymous]

One thing I’ve personally noticed is that neurodivergent people tend to learn to mask very well when they’re young and especially when they’re in school. As they age, they are simply less interested in masking. Social acceptance is less important to them, and personal comfort is more important. Also, they often just become more comfortable with themselves/more accepting of themselves. I think that is all very good for their mental health! But probably very hard for the spouses who married someone who was behaving very, very differently before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, perhaps you answered this question but are you non-neurotypical? Are you on the autism spectrum?

I'm questioning why this is relevant, only because I've seen many other threads get thrown off because of ADHD and Autism generalizations and assumptions and biases by posters, where you are assuming that I (assuming that I have Autism or ADHD or Aspergers) is the reason behind a host of issues that have not been mentioned in the thread but will be assumed to be the underlying issues going on because "aha".

Because there are treatments available for some of these diagnoses, that’s all. Which could make things easier for YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, perhaps you answered this question but are you non-neurotypical? Are you on the autism spectrum?

I'm questioning why this is relevant, only because I've seen many other threads get thrown off because of ADHD and Autism generalizations and assumptions and biases by posters, where you are assuming that I (assuming that I have Autism or ADHD or Aspergers) is the reason behind a host of issues that have not been mentioned in the thread but will be assumed to be the underlying issues going on because "aha".

Because there are treatments available for some of these diagnoses, that’s all. Which could make things easier for YOU.

I'm getting treatments and they're irreiivent to the conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The party habits are SO weird. I can’t really blame your spouse for being upset about Rubix cubes etc to social events. And I say that as an ASD and ADHD person myself. It’s just disrespectful behavior.

I think the answer is just to really know your limits. It’s ok if you don’t attend parties because that’s just too far outside your comfort zone and your behavior would only embarrass or make your wife irritated. But you should engage more with your wife at home, and she should do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, perhaps you answered this question but are you non-neurotypical? Are you on the autism spectrum?

I'm questioning why this is relevant, only because I've seen many other threads get thrown off because of ADHD and Autism generalizations and assumptions and biases by posters, where you are assuming that I (assuming that I have Autism or ADHD or Aspergers) is the reason behind a host of issues that have not been mentioned in the thread but will be assumed to be the underlying issues going on because "aha".

Because there are treatments available for some of these diagnoses, that’s all. Which could make things easier for YOU.

I'm getting treatments and they're irreiivent to the conversation.

Frankly, if you have been diagnosed and are being treated (and cooperative and diligent about), then I think your wife’s behavior is much less sympathetic and you should reevaluate what you are getting out of this marriage. And I say that as someone very serious about the commitments of marriage. But making someone feel bad about things they can’t control isn’t ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I’m PP who asked about ASD. It’s relevant, because it reflects your experience in the world, and your social interactions. Some of the behaviors you describe are in sync with ASD. It would NOT excuse your wife - her behavior sounds disrespectful and demeaning. It sounds like she is self-conscious and really focused on fitting in and “social capital”, which would make daily life with her very unpleasant.

You might be happier on your own.

He described it as social capital in the beginning, but every example he's given it's boiled down to "you might not realize how rude this looks to other people" which is not in any way a focus on social climbing on her part. Starting to write in a notebook as soon as your bored by the conversation at someone else's house is rude, not quirky. She's trying to teach her kids how to behave in the world and he's actively coaching them in a different direction (one that isn't even working for him, based on how anxious and unhappy he continues to be in social situations), which sounds pretty unpleasant itself.

This is how you see it. Others go to a bar and grab some "liquid courage" before overcoming their social anxiety. Oh, that's not rude like doing a Rubik's cube or sudoku right? That's socially acceptable right? We allow for drunks but not mathematicians. That's the society we have prepared for our children. We want to tell our children that its better to go take a shot than to a puzzle.

No, I'm having the talk with my wife and I'm seeing the balancing act and the frustration of what you mention, but I'm also trying to walk a delicate balance because I see alcohol all around me. And weed and other drugs. And that's the city we're raising our kids in. I'm trying not to depend on this crutch as much and be more social, but the thing I need my wife to realize is that she can't take away the crutch from me. She can't magically walk to me like Jesus and say "you're healed". I have this anxiety. And until God takes it away from me I have to deal with it however God equips me.

Whether I step away from the table and go to my car for a moment next time, or run to the bathroom, or just step outside for a second, I'll deal with it in a better way than at the table. At the table is rude but dealing with my anxiety is not.

No, self-medicating with shots is not socially acceptable.

Anti-anxiety medication is socially acceptable and it seems like you and your marriage would benefit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds horrible. I'd get a divorce. What give her the right to criticize you, is she a 10 or a tremendous achiever?

I don't want a divorce. I want the woman I married back. I feel like a child typing that.

Op you and your wife are proof of the old adage- men marry women hoping they’ll never change. Women marry men hoping they will change. Both must learn to live with the disappointment

Therapy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Develop a new hobby that's somewhat masculine, like woodworking. Also, begin volunteering at a soup kitchen. You want respect, not neediness

I have a lot of masculine hobbies that I don't have time for because of kids - I play sports and do ligh home repair. But those are not what I do for fun, more things that I do for necessity, if the boys are doing it or if sheet rock needs repair. What I do for fun is sudokus. But wifey doesn't like that.

What does she like to do? And what do you like about her?

Well for starters…

What have you initiated lately to get her out of the house and show you are interested in getting to know her again. Not the imagined woman you married, but the woman who is in front of you know.

Have you listened to her complaints and attempted to see thing from her perspective?

Those things are huge. HUGE.