Why do so many parents still make their daughters do all the chores?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 53 and this was definitely the model in my house.

My brother never did a thing his whole life until he joined the Navy and they taught him to make a bed etc.

I was making my bed with hospital corners since middle school, and I vacuumed and dusted for my mom and cleaned bathrooms too by the time I was in high school. I think my brother might have taken the garbage out now and again but typically in my family model men and boys sat on their rears watching sports while women and girls cleaned, shopped, cooked, etc.

I know plenty of marriages in my age group where women are doing 80-90% of the domestic labor. This is the primary cause of conflicts along with money and childrearing styles.

Whatever chores you might make your kids do in childhood, what will still with them most is the model they watch of how domestic labor is split in your marriage.

I am in your age group. The women you know - like the poster whose mother finally died - choose to do what they do.

Choose differently.

[Anonymous]

The girls are better at it. Just like the boys are better at math, medicine, etc. It's no crime for people to do what they're good at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the oldest and only daughter in my family. The brunt of household chores and taking care of the baby were dumped on me. My brothers ran free and played outside while I stayed inside and scrubbed floors, washed dishes, changed diapers, etc. Around 40 some years later, when our mother became unable to take care of herself, I'll let you guess who had to quit her job and take on the chore by herself.

Cool story. You revived a year old thread for this? Get a hobby.

I did even better than that! I landed a high paying job after my mother finally died, I'm sure making more than you do! Finally, I don't have to look after any family members any longer.

No words. Clearly you have issues.

Yep, I sure do. I had the issues from very early in my life. You claim to have "no words," but apparently you find it difficult to contend with the fact that my life of indentured servitude finally came to an end. I'm sure you had a spectacular childhood, you probably weren't asked to lift a finger around your house. I'm very thankful that I managed to land a high paying job after Mom died, because taking care of her for years, UNPAID, left me in a very bad way, financially. That was almost 20 years ago and I'm doing very well now. I'm sure you don't want to hear that, though. It appears I'M not the one with issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the oldest and only daughter in my family. The brunt of household chores and taking care of the baby were dumped on me. My brothers ran free and played outside while I stayed inside and scrubbed floors, washed dishes, changed diapers, etc. Around 40 some years later, when our mother became unable to take care of herself, I'll let you guess who had to quit her job and take on the chore by herself.

Cool story. You revived a year old thread for this? Get a hobby.

I did even better than that! I landed a high paying job after my mother finally died, I'm sure making more than you do! Finally, I don't have to look after any family members any longer.

No words. Clearly you have issues.

Yep, I sure do. I had the issues from very early in my life. You claim to have "no words," but apparently you find it difficult to contend with the fact that my life of indentured servitude finally came to an end. I'm sure you had a spectacular childhood, you probably weren't asked to lift a finger around your house. I'm very thankful that I managed to land a high paying job after Mom died, because taking care of her for years, UNPAID, left me in a very bad way, financially. That was almost 20 years ago and I'm doing very well now. I'm sure you don't want to hear that, though. It appears I'M not the one with issues.

Why did you choose to quit your job and take care of your mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Observing cultural norms is not bigotry. I'm from an Italian family--it's just true.

It’s not. Not in my Italian family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the oldest and only daughter in my family. The brunt of household chores and taking care of the baby were dumped on me. My brothers ran free and played outside while I stayed inside and scrubbed floors, washed dishes, changed diapers, etc. Around 40 some years later, when our mother became unable to take care of herself, I'll let you guess who had to quit her job and take on the chore by herself.

Cool story. You revived a year old thread for this? Get a hobby.

I did even better than that! I landed a high paying job after my mother finally died, I'm sure making more than you do! Finally, I don't have to look after any family members any longer.

No words. Clearly you have issues.

Yep, I sure do. I had the issues from very early in my life. You claim to have "no words," but apparently you find it difficult to contend with the fact that my life of indentured servitude finally came to an end. I'm sure you had a spectacular childhood, you probably weren't asked to lift a finger around your house. I'm very thankful that I managed to land a high paying job after Mom died, because taking care of her for years, UNPAID, left me in a very bad way, financially. That was almost 20 years ago and I'm doing very well now. I'm sure you don't want to hear that, though. It appears I'M not the one with issues.

Why did you choose to quit your job and take care of your mother?

I didn't have a choice. None of my brothers were going to step up to the plate - *I* was the one asked to take care of her. I couldn't hold down a full time job and be her 24/7/365 nurse/maid, also. I ended up having to quit work, sold my car to help pay some of the medical bills, and did what I had to do. It went on longer than I expected and every penny I once had was gone by the time she finally died. Yes, I had a LOT of issues. Thankfully, I had a master's degree in my field and a job came open shortly after Mom died. I've managed to set up a comfortable nest egg now, and I'm about to retire in a couple of years. I have no idea why somebody on this forum is so incensed over this situation. We didn't have millions of dollars and couldn't afford to dump Mom off on some paid caretakers like the 1% of the world do. Somebody had to take care of her. Should I have just tossed her into the street?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll choke you but I ain’t no killer

What's that supposed to mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesen't happen among my friend group. And I only have boys so they get to do all the chores.

Same. I was the only girl, but we all did chores. I only have boys, so they do all the kid chores.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any brothers or sons, so the chore-gender thing hasn't been something I've dealt with, but the bigger issue that I see is parents not making their kids do any chores at all.

So many people have cleaners and lawn service and the parents just do the rest. Kids (even older kids) not doing their own laundry, loading the dishwasher, or packing their own lunch. My kids act like we have them labor camp or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have boys and know a lot of other families of boys. Our kids make beds, help unload the dishwasher, take out the trash, fold laundry, scrub toilets, etc. same as I would expect a daughter.

I don’t doubt the studies, but I think they’re old and imagine don’t apply to more highly educated households aware of gendered stereotypes. Also, in my house DH and I both work. So my boys are growing up to see a mom who has important meetings to get ready for in the mornings and a dad who handles kid sick days and grocery shopping. There is no gender divide here except for when physically necessary (my DH can lift heavier things than me).

You know that's not true, right? I mean, unless you have a back or neck injury that limits you medically, you are capable of being strong enough to lift as much as your husband does. Google female bodybuilders and weight lifters.

I just want us to stay with the science and not the societally imposed gender norms that people get stuck in their minds.

~ longtime single woman by choice who routinely carries big heavy things all by herself despite being an average sized, non body building female of the species

[Anonymous]

I only have one kid, but I can see this happening unconsciously if you don’t deliberately do it differently.
My brother and I didn’t really have chores as my mom was a sahm but I was definitely expected to do more than he was. My mom ironed his clothes for him until he moved out because “ he works hard”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 53 and this was definitely the model in my house.

My brother never did a thing his whole life until he joined the Navy and they taught him to make a bed etc.

I was making my bed with hospital corners since middle school, and I vacuumed and dusted for my mom and cleaned bathrooms too by the time I was in high school. I think my brother might have taken the garbage out now and again but typically in my family model men and boys sat on their rears watching sports while women and girls cleaned, shopped, cooked, etc.

I know plenty of marriages in my age group where women are doing 80-90% of the domestic labor. This is the primary cause of conflicts along with money and childrearing styles.

Whatever chores you might make your kids do in childhood, what will still with them most is the model they watch of how domestic labor is split in your marriage.

I am in your age group. The women you know - like the poster whose mother finally died - choose to do what they do.

Choose differently.

Oh, I did choose differently. I've cohabitated with a few men in my life, but never longer than a year. I've been single by choice for the vast majority of my adult life. There is a time not long into a committed relationship where most men let the mask start slipping and you see what their expectations are for you - to be mommy, to be chief cook and bottle washer, to be life manager, to be willing to defer to his preferences for how to spend mutual time, to be ready at the drop of a hat to be porn star girlfriend/wife even in the face of dwindling emotional connection and/or consideration of your needs and desires.

I watched my mother be a domestic slave to a man who treated her like shite. There was no way I was going to live my own life like that. I might have overcorrected, but looking at the situations of most of my married friends and family same age group, I don't think so. I am grateful my revulsion for my mother's life drove me to eschew a lifetime of domestic servitude rewarded largely with ingratitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 53 and this was definitely the model in my house.

My brother never did a thing his whole life until he joined the Navy and they taught him to make a bed etc.

I was making my bed with hospital corners since middle school, and I vacuumed and dusted for my mom and cleaned bathrooms too by the time I was in high school. I think my brother might have taken the garbage out now and again but typically in my family model men and boys sat on their rears watching sports while women and girls cleaned, shopped, cooked, etc.

I know plenty of marriages in my age group where women are doing 80-90% of the domestic labor. This is the primary cause of conflicts along with money and childrearing styles.

Whatever chores you might make your kids do in childhood, what will still with them most is the model they watch of how domestic labor is split in your marriage.

I am in your age group. The women you know - like the poster whose mother finally died - choose to do what they do.

Choose differently.

Oh, I did choose differently. I've cohabitated with a few men in my life, but never longer than a year. I've been single by choice for the vast majority of my adult life. There is a time not long into a committed relationship where most men let the mask start slipping and you see what their expectations are for you - to be mommy, to be chief cook and bottle washer, to be life manager, to be willing to defer to his preferences for how to spend mutual time, to be ready at the drop of a hat to be porn star girlfriend/wife even in the face of dwindling emotional connection and/or consideration of your needs and desires.

I watched my mother be a domestic slave to a man who treated her like shite. There was no way I was going to live my own life like that. I might have overcorrected, but looking at the situations of most of my married friends and family same age group, I don't think so. I am grateful my revulsion for my mother's life drove me to eschew a lifetime of domestic servitude rewarded largely with ingratitude.

That’s great. But this is about what parents are expecting their kids to do now. Not what your parents expected of you back when or what men expected from women then or expect now.

Parents, kids, chores.

[Anonymous]

I’m a woman who grew up in the 80s. I always had to do way more chores than my brother. My feminist, only when it came to herself, physician grandma would even say crap like “but you’re a girl and this is what women have to do,” when I raised objections. Immigrant family. I thought “Americans” were better than that. Still do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman who grew up in the 80s. I always had to do way more chores than my brother. My feminist, only when it came to herself, physician grandma would even say crap like “but you’re a girl and this is what women have to do,” when I raised objections. Immigrant family. I thought “Americans” were better than that. Still do.

Only up to a point.