Thoughts on this? Am I right to be weirded out/upset?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. I’m just really feeling resentful of the trip. It’s not coming at a good time logistically and I’m already stressed about it. Now I’m just irked to think it’s partially a “fun” trip for DH and I’ll be here running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I’ll try and look at it differently. And you’re right, he’s done either way so what does it matter if he’s having fun, I guess.

He's going to spend all day working and then when he wants to collapse on his hotel bed to decompress before grabbing some mediocre dinner and calling you, he's going to have to go hang out with his mom. He won't be having fun.

Speak for yourself. Some people like seeing their moms!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. I’m just really feeling resentful of the trip. It’s not coming at a good time logistically and I’m already stressed about it. Now I’m just irked to think it’s partially a “fun” trip for DH and I’ll be here running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I’ll try and look at it differently. And you’re right, he’s done either way so what does it matter if he’s having fun, I guess.

He's going to spend all day working and then when he wants to collapse on his hotel bed to decompress before grabbing some mediocre dinner and calling you, he's going to have to go hang out with his mom. He won't be having fun.

Speak for yourself. Some people like seeing their moms!

+1

If MIL made the effort to do this, DH would be ecstatic - but it's all about MIL and her doppelganger (NOT in a good way) daughter (SIL). Narcissism at at "finest".

[Anonymous]

Yes calm down. You’d be holding doesn’t he fort no matter what. He’s going to be gone. At least he’s not out at bars with women in his “downtime”.

[Anonymous]

I can completely relate to feeling resentful of time away from the house and the kids, even if it’s a work trip. You’re not being unreasonable. It’s hard to feel like you never get “adult time” to relax without worrying about the kids. I’d ask him to talk to her about staying at your house to help him for a few days while you do something with friends or by yourself.

[Anonymous]

Epidemic of narcs. If you are not with me, you can’t be with anyone else, and you are never to like or have a good time bcs that betrays ME!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a great wakeup call for you to figure out how to make your life more fun, more pleasant, and less stressful when your DH is out of town. Do you currently have a regular babysitter? It seems like the default should be that, when your DH is out on business, you get at least 2 hours of evening babysitting every day he's gone so you aren't always at wit's end.

Yes, this seems pretty straightforward. A good friend was a SAHM - every Friday she had an all-day sitter so she could do her girl stuff as well as enjoy her older kids' sports activities w/o chasing the little one. At first I didn't get it - possibly b/c I was working P/T - but then realized it was brilliant. She always had Friday as a break and then was refreshed when her DH came home from his very demanding job at the end of the week. She didn't feel the need to "hand them off" to get a break as she had already gotten one. Then they would divide and conquer for the rest of the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can completely relate to feeling resentful of time away from the house and the kids, even if it’s a work trip. You’re not being unreasonable. It’s hard to feel like you never get “adult time” to relax without worrying about the kids. I’d ask him to talk to her about staying at your house to help him for a few days while you do something with friends or by yourself.

Ummm, for this upcoming trip, he and MiL should continue with their plans and she should arrange for care coverage for certain days/times while he is gone.

When my twins were 3 and under and DH had to be gone over the weekend, I would hire a mother's helper - there were about three young teens in the neighborhood who wanted to put their Red Cross sitter credentials to work. I never left them alone (leave the house) with the helper, but she would entertain them while I put food together, took a shower, etc. Sometimes I would hire an older sitter for Saturday night and meet friends, go shopping, etc.

Maybe ask MiL in the future, but be prepared that she may say no unless she craves a chance to spend more time with her grandkids.

[Anonymous]

You'd rather he hung out in the hotel bar after hours and get up into all kinds of monkey business-out of boredom? Then sure, be upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You'd rather he hung out in the hotel bar after hours and get up into all kinds of monkey business-out of boredom? Then sure, be upset.

I'm a PP, and I bet he's going to do that as well. He has the greatest excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a great wakeup call for you to figure out how to make your life more fun, more pleasant, and less stressful when your DH is out of town. Do you currently have a regular babysitter? It seems like the default should be that, when your DH is out on business, you get at least 2 hours of evening babysitting every day he's gone so you aren't always at wit's end.

Yes, this seems pretty straightforward. A good friend was a SAHM - every Friday she had an all-day sitter so she could do her girl stuff as well as enjoy her older kids' sports activities w/o chasing the little one. At first I didn't get it - possibly b/c I was working P/T - but then realized it was brilliant. She always had Friday as a break and then was refreshed when her DH came home from his very demanding job at the end of the week. She didn't feel the need to "hand them off" to get a break as she had already gotten one. Then they would divide and conquer for the rest of the weekend.

Very smart. There is no prize for burning yourself out with martyrdom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can completely relate to feeling resentful of time away from the house and the kids, even if it’s a work trip. You’re not being unreasonable. It’s hard to feel like you never get “adult time” to relax without worrying about the kids. I’d ask him to talk to her about staying at your house to help him for a few days while you do something with friends or by yourself.

Ummm, for this upcoming trip, he and MiL should continue with their plans and she should arrange for care coverage for certain days/times while he is gone.

When my twins were 3 and under and DH had to be gone over the weekend, I would hire a mother's helper - there were about three young teens in the neighborhood who wanted to put their Red Cross sitter credentials to work. I never left them alone (leave the house) with the helper, but she would entertain them while I put food together, took a shower, etc. Sometimes I would hire an older sitter for Saturday night and meet friends, go shopping, etc.

Maybe ask MiL in the future, but be prepared that she may say no unless she craves a chance to spend more time with her grandkids.

I didn’t say she should tell him to cancel the trip or ask him mom not to come. If she doesn’t want to come help her son for a few days, she can say no and he can manage alone, like she does. Simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can completely relate to feeling resentful of time away from the house and the kids, even if it’s a work trip. You’re not being unreasonable. It’s hard to feel like you never get “adult time” to relax without worrying about the kids. I’d ask him to talk to her about staying at your house to help him for a few days while you do something with friends or by yourself.

Ummm, for this upcoming trip, he and MiL should continue with their plans and she should arrange for care coverage for certain days/times while he is gone.

When my twins were 3 and under and DH had to be gone over the weekend, I would hire a mother's helper - there were about three young teens in the neighborhood who wanted to put their Red Cross sitter credentials to work. I never left them alone (leave the house) with the helper, but she would entertain them while I put food together, took a shower, etc. Sometimes I would hire an older sitter for Saturday night and meet friends, go shopping, etc.

Maybe ask MiL in the future, but be prepared that she may say no unless she craves a chance to spend more time with her grandkids.

I didn’t say she should tell him to cancel the trip or ask him mom not to come. If she doesn’t want to come help her son for a few days, she can say no and he can manage alone, like she does. Simple.

My bad. Thought you were saying she should ask for the MiL to come for this upcoming trip.

If the MiL can come in the future and help out when the wife takes some alone time, that's great. But I agree that he can also manage alone as his wife does. Never really had this issue with DH. When our kids were little, he worked FT and I worked PT, but he pretty much understood that we both needed breaks/alone time.

[Anonymous]

He's going to be away anyway. Downtime with mom seems like a good plan!

I used to travel a lot for work to some great cities and only had to work a couple of hours a day. I thoroughly enjoyed my downtime.

It's his mom - not an ex or something shady. I understand being jealous that he can get "away" but this has nothing to do with his mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not understand why one week of travel has impacted your life to this degree. Take a look around at the people that handle their own children everyday without assistance. For example, single parents, parents of deployed spouses and spouses that travel much more frequently than this apparent one off week.

It’s actually far from the norm for a single adult to care for small children. There’s a reason why single motherhood is considered very difficult and often leads to a severe economic impact due in large part to reduced earning capacity. It’s a very high stress situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH gets mom time without taking any extra time from you/kids. TAKE THE WIN.

This. But *do something* with the win! Do you usually travel to in laws for Thanksgiving/Christmas? Tell DH since he got a lot of quality time with his mom you’d like to plan a family resort vacation (something with childcare) for that holiday. Are you one of the posters here with annual beach house drama? Tell him you’d rather not do the beach house this year since he got time with his mom already and instead go on a family vacation of your own choosing.

The worst case is you resent it AND you don’t make it part of the math for your in-laws interactions in the year ahead. Make this good for yourself and for him.