SO's fam doesn't care about baby/there is no village

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand the $40/hour babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the $40/hour babysitter.

My take is that babysitting requests are either coming in at the very last minute, or OP is presenting as extremely high maintenance so someone is either saying no or charging that high to make it worth their while. I had a NICU baby also, and when I interviewed experienced people for a PT nanny position, they were all in the $20-25/hr range.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? I would not (and did not) expect my family to travel to come to my kids' first birthday party. That seems like an odd ask, especially for much younger siblings.

That being said, it is important to have people you can talk babies with! Start going to the playground at the same time every week. That's the most consistent way I've found to meet other moms with kids about the same age as mine. Also say hi to people you see out in the world. Everyone in my condo building recognizing my kids and asks after them if they see me without them, which helps me with the "joy in the baby" mood. I'm also in a position where I don't have a lot of family help and my friends are largely childfree. You just have to find more new mom friends to build out space for that type of support.

I invited them in person or Zoom which is 40 minutes total, and I was going to send them goodie bags by mail. Even bribing them to spend 40 minutes did nothing lol...siiigh. But hopefully I'll try the playground. Will be awhile since the nearest playground's for 5yo/up :/

Find a different playground. Where do you live? We will tell you which playgrounds are good for a 1yr/old.

DP - most playgrounds are going to be far more appropriate for five year olds than one year olds. That’s just the nature of playgrounds.

Yeah but at 1 all you really need is 2 baby swings and you’ll meet another parent with a baby. And there are often younger toddlers - not 12 months, but maybe 15/16 months - exploring at the playgrounds while older siblings play.

I met one of my best friends at a playground when our now teens were toddlers playing. But I agree with others, OP, that you need to actively try to befriend other families with babies. Not for your baby’s sake— baby has you & his dad & is fine— but for your own sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SO's mom has a contentious relationship with her much younger half-siblings but said half-siblings attended our wedding and baby shower before. I sent out 1st birthday invites (show up in person or virtual Zoom) and none of them are coming and none of them feel like meeting baby. Baby is so happy and cheerful and defied all the odds (covid in utero while triple vaxxed leading to NICU stay for 1st week of life). They literally don't care he's alive. And my god, it hurts so, so much. Plus I'm an only so no siblings. SO asked his mom if she wanted to help out with baby, she laughed and said no. Five sitters backed out and one finally said yes after offering close to $40/hr. All of our nearby friends are vehemently childfree which is their choice, but there's nobody to share in the joy of our baby outside of daycare and it really sucks. Luckily we're afloat financially *knock on wood* but it's such a joyless existence for our baby and I feel so sad for our little. Going out, I almost feel like I have to apologize I have a baby. It was so different when I was a student abroad, people loved babies and everyone truly cherished kids. I would've stayed abroad but getting a visa and job were impossible. What do you do when there is no village in sight?

This was sort of me 4 years ago. Only child, SO had one local sibling who was a space cadet/not someone i'd trust with my baby, and an elderly mom who was not ever going to be a hands on grandma. Join as many mom groups as you can. Become a regular at storytimes and activity classes etc. You have to think of it like dating- be uncomfortable and bold in connecting with people and following up.
And you aren't wrong- other cultures really are set up to put families and children first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO's mom has a contentious relationship with her much younger half-siblings but said half-siblings attended our wedding and baby shower before. I sent out 1st birthday invites (show up in person or virtual Zoom) and none of them are coming and none of them feel like meeting baby. Baby is so happy and cheerful and defied all the odds (covid in utero while triple vaxxed leading to NICU stay for 1st week of life). They literally don't care he's alive. And my god, it hurts so, so much. Plus I'm an only so no siblings. SO asked his mom if she wanted to help out with baby, she laughed and said no. Five sitters backed out and one finally said yes after offering close to $40/hr. All of our nearby friends are vehemently childfree which is their choice, but there's nobody to share in the joy of our baby outside of daycare and it really sucks. Luckily we're afloat financially *knock on wood* but it's such a joyless existence for our baby and I feel so sad for our little. Going out, I almost feel like I have to apologize I have a baby. It was so different when I was a student abroad, people loved babies and everyone truly cherished kids. I would've stayed abroad but getting a visa and job were impossible. What do you do when there is no village in sight?

This was sort of me 4 years ago. Only child, SO had one local sibling who was a space cadet/not someone i'd trust with my baby, and an elderly mom who was not ever going to be a hands on grandma. Join as many mom groups as you can. Become a regular at storytimes and activity classes etc. You have to think of it like dating- be uncomfortable and bold in connecting with people and following up.
And you aren't wrong- other cultures really are set up to put families and children first.

Attending your great-niece or great-nephew's first birthday party out of town is really not a normal expectation in any culture. My husband and I are actually very close to all of our aunts and uncles but none of them live locally. They did not attend our children's birthday parties, nor did we expect them to . We see them about once a year at big family gatherines and they are all very interested and loving towards our kids. OP has very unrealistic expectations here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't have a village either. Still don't. The hardest part is not letting resentment towards the people who didn't show up take over. It's okay to feel frustrated with family, in particular, who don't come through. I was really disappointed in my parents and my older sister, especially since I'd shown up for her when she became a mom. But you have to find a way to carry on for your kid.

I think I still kept thinking the village would show up for a few years. But then I got through those tough toddler years without it for the most part. I did develop some friendships with other parents, but it was mostly just to create community for my kid -- it's not like they were helping with childcare or something. Other people have their own problems, just like you. I've also encountered plenty of people who have lots of help from family and don't really get that I don't, which is fine but isolating.

Anyway, I feel like in the last year or so (my child is 5) I've just come to a place of acceptance. I value everyone who plays a role in my child's life -- teachers, coaches, babysitters, parents of classmates and friends. I appreciate my neighbors for just saying hello to my kid, making conversation, providing a sense of place and belonging. Is it the same as having close relationships with grandparents or aunts and uncles, having people who will provide real tangible support to help make your life work with childcare and all that? No but that doesn't mean it's not valuable. I take what I can get.

And then I just try to be the best parent I can. I hope to be able to be there for my kid if they start a family one day in the way that neither my family nor my ILs were. That's all I can do -- look forward, control the things I can control. Try to let go of the rest.

You implicitly equate "village" with childcare. A village is a community. Mutual assistance is part of that, but not the whole of it.

[Anonymous]

Start Music Together classes or something similar aimed at the 1-3 set. You'll meet other parents. Go from there. It actually gets much easier once your kids are in preschool to make other parent friends, from my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. My in-laws were the same. DD has an aunt nearby she literally only met like two or three times before DD was a teen and now the aunt is more interested in her. Some people just really aren't into babies and young kids. They don't find them cute and they don't know how to interact with them. If I were you I would really try to find new friends with an oldest baby your baby's age. I say oldest because I find that parents are usually more connected to other parents when their oldest kids are the same age. Maybe that's because they're going through all the first stages of their kids lives at the same time. Is your family involved?

I am this person. I really don’t care about babies. I’m a great aunt once the get to the tween age (let my nieces ride my horse/teach them to ride, cook with them, am laid back and fun). But I don’t do babies, I don’t like them or whining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just move to a family friendly neighborhood and make new friends.

I would warn against getting too close with your neighbors, especially if their kids are the same age. These friend groups don’t last forever, and there is usually an unpleasant end.

What?! I have lifelong friends that I grew up with, and we’ve stayed very close for decades. Sometimes friend groups DO last forever, even through multiple life transitions. Is this really that unusual?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? I would not (and did not) expect my family to travel to come to my kids' first birthday party. That seems like an odd ask, especially for much younger siblings.

That being said, it is important to have people you can talk babies with! Start going to the playground at the same time every week. That's the most consistent way I've found to meet other moms with kids about the same age as mine. Also say hi to people you see out in the world. Everyone in my condo building recognizing my kids and asks after them if they see me without them, which helps me with the "joy in the baby" mood. I'm also in a position where I don't have a lot of family help and my friends are largely childfree. You just have to find more new mom friends to build out space for that type of support.

I invited them in person or Zoom which is 40 minutes total, and I was going to send them goodie bags by mail. Even bribing them to spend 40 minutes did nothing lol...siiigh. But hopefully I'll try the playground. Will be awhile since the nearest playground's for 5yo/up :/

You were going to send them goodie bags — but you apparently didn’t, so that doesn’t count as a “bribe”. It “did nothing” but it seems as though you “did nothing “ either, except something that might have been perceived as a gift grab. Do these relatives live nearby? Are they people that you were close to before you had your child? I’m asking, because while your expectations seem reasonable, they might not be if your only connection with them is that you invited them to two occasions that required them to bring gifts — and this would have been a third.

OP, your baby sounds delightful! Do you have access to story time programs at a local library, or “mommy and me “ classes, or other activities that might be fun for you both?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. My in-laws were the same. DD has an aunt nearby she literally only met like two or three times before DD was a teen and now the aunt is more interested in her. Some people just really aren't into babies and young kids. They don't find them cute and they don't know how to interact with them. If I were you I would really try to find new friends with an oldest baby your baby's age. I say oldest because I find that parents are usually more connected to other parents when their oldest kids are the same age. Maybe that's because they're going through all the first stages of their kids lives at the same time. Is your family involved?

I am this person. I really don’t care about babies. I’m a great aunt once the get to the tween age (let my nieces ride my horse/teach them to ride, cook with them, am laid back and fun). But I don’t do babies, I don’t like them or whining.

I’m the poster you’re responding to. I was also this person before I had a kid, so I totally get it. Not everyone is into babies and I hope OP doesn’t take it too personally. It does not at all mean the baby isn’t wonderful, and even the most wonderful and cute baby in the world isn’t going to interest some people.

[Anonymous]

Having a NICU baby is hard and people who didn’t have a NICU baby don’t understand the fear and lingering anxiety, especially when it is your first. (I had two NICU babies - the second one was easier). We’ve never had a village. It was always the two of us. I agree with the recommendations to put yourself out there and go to playtime and that stuff. It’s a lot like dating - you have to be ok being kind of vulnerable. With a lot of work we did build our own village but since they had their own kids they were more for companionship and emergencies than actual help - until the kids got bigger and then magically 2 five year olds is easier than just your one. Hang in there and take solace that at least you don’t have to deal with the meddling mother in law.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're facing a family situation that hurts and I can see how that is creating a a negative cloud, but shake yourself out of it a bit. I moved to an entirely new city with a 1 and 3yo during peak covid with no family in sight (so no community, not even a friend closer than a 4 hour flight away and no easy way to make them since people weren't easily socializing). Its tough but not at all a unique situation and you chip away at it building one friend at a time.

Put yourself in the mindset of you came to the city and need to start building a community instead of your old community failed you and its impossible. Chat up people at the play ground, find a hobby (mine is jogging), and join a group for that, aggressively invite day care families over for playdates even if 75% decline, talk to neighbors, shamelessly give out casual invites to easy things (meet at the park, join for a walk, come share takeout for dinner with the babies, go to a library storytime on the weekend, come kill an hour at your house playing before dinner) and you'll turn up the other people also looking to build community.

I'm about 2 years in now and would say I now have ~10 families we get together with regularly and ~4 of those have before fairly close friends.

Your situation sucks but isn't at all unique (i don't mean that meanly, just to give you perspective almost everybody faces this situation) so just get moving on building what you want