SO's fam doesn't care about baby/there is no village

[Anonymous]

Are your parents in the picture? Do they live in the same area as you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SO's mom has a contentious relationship with her much younger half-siblings but said half-siblings attended our wedding and baby shower before. I sent out 1st birthday invites (show up in person or virtual Zoom) and none of them are coming and none of them feel like meeting baby. Baby is so happy and cheerful and defied all the odds (covid in utero while triple vaxxed leading to NICU stay for 1st week of life). They literally don't care he's alive. And my god, it hurts so, so much. Plus I'm an only so no siblings. SO asked his mom if she wanted to help out with baby, she laughed and said no. Five sitters backed out and one finally said yes after offering close to $40/hr. All of our nearby friends are vehemently childfree which is their choice, but there's nobody to share in the joy of our baby outside of daycare and it really sucks. Luckily we're afloat financially *knock on wood* but it's such a joyless existence for our baby and I feel so sad for our little. Going out, I almost feel like I have to apologize I have a baby. It was so different when I was a student abroad, people loved babies and everyone truly cherished kids. I would've stayed abroad but getting a visa and job were impossible. What do you do when there is no village in sight?

OP, this is an odd thing to say. Babies love their parents and other people who take care of them. Your baby has no idea if they are having a party or not. You even said that the baby was happy.

It sounds like you are projecting your feelings onto the baby. Get screened for post partum depression. And find some "mommy and me" type groups where you can go be with your baby and meet other parents.

I understand if you feel hurt because your family is not engaged with the new member, but there is a difference between them loving the baby and doing things for the baby. If what you are asking for are is childcare and coming to a baby b-day party, some people just aren't baby people and they will decline. If you want a closer relationship with your family in general, maybe you could invite them for an event that is not baby focused, like dinner or a potluck. They can meet the baby there without the pressure that they will be expected to care for or fawn over the baby. My sister and mom loved my kids as babies and were great with them. My dad and brother loved them, too, but had no idea what to do with them. Sis and mom could hold the baby for hours, but dad and brother were done after 5 minutes. It's just how some people are.

[Anonymous]

Join a religious organization that's family oriented. That's a good way to meet friends and people who are into being parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? I would not (and did not) expect my family to travel to come to my kids' first birthday party. That seems like an odd ask, especially for much younger siblings.

That being said, it is important to have people you can talk babies with! Start going to the playground at the same time every week. That's the most consistent way I've found to meet other moms with kids about the same age as mine. Also say hi to people you see out in the world. Everyone in my condo building recognizing my kids and asks after them if they see me without them, which helps me with the "joy in the baby" mood. I'm also in a position where I don't have a lot of family help and my friends are largely childfree. You just have to find more new mom friends to build out space for that type of support.

I invited them in person or Zoom which is 40 minutes total, and I was going to send them goodie bags by mail. Even bribing them to spend 40 minutes did nothing lol...siiigh. But hopefully I'll try the playground. Will be awhile since the nearest playground's for 5yo/up :/

I'm sorry. Maybe they didn't get how important it is to you, if they are younger and childless. I've had people say "haha, who cares about a 1 year old's party, they won't remember anything!" It's for the parents, dummy! Sometimes young adult siblings still see the world through the lens of the kid, not the adult sibling parent.

We haven't had luck making friends at the playground in the DMV, even though that worked when we lived in Boston. Day care parents have been better but it takes a while since you're just passing by day to day. Church and new parent groups can be good too.

[Anonymous]

OP- find a toddler playground, join a parent and me swim class or gym class or something. That’s how you start a village if you don’t have one. Otherwise you sound dramatic.

[Anonymous]

I think there's a lot more going on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there's a lot more going on here.

Yes. Babies find joy in crinkled up pieces of paper, yogurt, and their parents. I think it’s OP who is suffering and depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there's a lot more going on here.

Yes. Babies find joy in crinkled up pieces of paper, yogurt, and their parents. I think it’s OP who is suffering and depressed.

Agree. Having a baby did not make her whole like she thought it would.

I also noticed she does not mention her own family, nor is she married to the baby's father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly? I would not (and did not) expect my family to travel to come to my kids' first birthday party. That seems like an odd ask, especially for much younger siblings.

That being said, it is important to have people you can talk babies with! Start going to the playground at the same time every week. That's the most consistent way I've found to meet other moms with kids about the same age as mine. Also say hi to people you see out in the world. Everyone in my condo building recognizing my kids and asks after them if they see me without them, which helps me with the "joy in the baby" mood. I'm also in a position where I don't have a lot of family help and my friends are largely childfree. You just have to find more new mom friends to build out space for that type of support.

I invited them in person or Zoom which is 40 minutes total, and I was going to send them goodie bags by mail. Even bribing them to spend 40 minutes did nothing lol...siiigh. But hopefully I'll try the playground. Will be awhile since the nearest playground's for 5yo/up :/

Find a different playground. Where do you live? We will tell you which playgrounds are good for a 1yr/old.

DP - most playgrounds are going to be far more appropriate for five year olds than one year olds. That’s just the nature of playgrounds.

DP- my 1.5 year old LOVES playgrounds. There are always slides that say 2-5 years old and those are perfect still for 12 m+ kids. As soon as they start walking, playgrounds rock! Even before then, at about 6m, swings are great too. Babies love to people watch, particularly other kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there's a lot more going on here.

Yes. Babies find joy in crinkled up pieces of paper, yogurt, and their parents. I think it’s OP who is suffering and depressed.

Agree. Having a baby did not make her whole like she thought it would.

I also noticed she does not mention her own family, nor is she married to the baby's father.

I agree with this too. Find joy in yourself and you'll enjoy your own little family. Other people are never, ever going to make you happy.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you and your SO very young? Were your families surprised by your pregnancy?

If so, it could be that they are still processing and maybe having difficulty with the fact that their own child has a child.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you want to be center of attention now that you have a baby and you’re disappointed that you just need to live life. Lots of us have no village. Our kids still have a lot of joy in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Join mom groups. That said, you sound a bit depressed so may be worth screening for PPD. I mild PPD so it went untreated for over a year. Finally I went on some meds and I couldn't get over how much better my life became with proper treatment. Weaned off meds and therapy, but I really wish I hadnt waited so long to get help

[Anonymous]

You already had a baby shower (SUPER tacky, especially when you throw it yourself which it sounds like you probably did) and then you also expect a first birthday party? Via zoom?? Your baby has no idea who those people are - especially through a computer screen - and it’s clearly just a gift grab when they’ve already given you a gift for your baby.

[Anonymous]

Is SO’s mother unhappy because you aren’t married?